Mother's Day Tough this Year

[Amelia]

I just read an article on the Huffington Post about how everyone who has a mother should reach out on Mother's Day to let her know how special she is. One of the "instructions" in this article reads,

"Reach out for reconciliation if you are estranged.

Reach out in compromise if you are indifferent... .

please don't let another day slip by without connecting with yours."

It was all I could do not to comment on the article to try to explain that it's not that simple for everyone.

I wish we could just skip Mother's Day this year. I am NC with my mother right now but I know I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't reach out to her on Mother's Day.

[Bright Day Mom]

You are definitely in  a tough situation, but when given lemons, make lemonade.  Make the best of it, maybe send your mom a well wish; gourmet basket of goodies, luxurious bath products or just a simple card in the mail letting her know you are wishing her well on the day. 

My mom and I have never seen eye to eye (neither of us are BPD), but we just never have gotten along well. I often bite my tongue and do my best for I know one day she will not be on this side with me.

You should make plans for the day with some friends/significant other to keep yourself busy and occupied.

[unicorn2014]

I actually think that's a good idea however that can't be done unless you've done work.

[Amelia]

You are definitely in  a tough situation, but when given lemons, make lemonade.  Make the best of it, maybe send your mom a well wish; gourmet basket of goodies, luxurious bath products or just a simple card in the mail letting her know you are wishing her well on the day. 

My mom and I have never seen eye to eye (neither of us are BPD), but we just never have gotten along well. I often bite my tongue and do my best for I know one day she will not be on this side with me.

You should make plans for the day with some friends/significant other to keep yourself busy and occupied.

Thanks, I do have plans for the day with some other people.

The thought of sending my mother a gift basket seems ludicrous to me. We have been NC for several months and our estrangement is fairly new. None of those things would be deemed appropriate or good enough for her in the best of situations. I appreciate your comment but that's just not happening. Therapy scheduled for the day after Mother's Day.

[Forever to Roam]

Mothers day is indeed tough in this situation.

In my humble opinion, when it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, stick with what will be best for you (and your son). What is best for your mental health? For me, also NC with my uBPD mother, I do not contact her at all anymore. Ever. I hate all holidays because of her, but since I've gone NC with her, it's gotten better. I can, if not look forward to, at least not dread any holiday for the ramped up guilt trips, obligatory gratitude, and inadequacy.

May I ask, how clear to your mother is the NC rule? Is this part of your new boundaries, or a side effect of your semi-recent estrangement? I was thinking that may affect how you choose to handle the day, but on second thought, it shouldn't make a difference - either way you should not feel guilt at either enforcing your boundaries or at taking her at her word if she says she doesn't want to hear from you.

[Amelia]

May I ask, how clear to your mother is the NC rule? Is this part of your new boundaries, or a side effect of your semi-recent estrangement?

I asked her to respect my space while I work on figuring out how to have a relationship with her that is good for both of us. In the same message I showed her several ways she could engage in a healthy relationship with our son and said I would not be the go-between for the two of them via FB messaging (he is six years old).

Her response was to tell me she is not interested in being associated with someone who could be so cruel, given the life she has led and told me not to call her mom anymore. Then she blocked me on FB.

So I'm sticking with what is best for me, like you said. Going to take my son and hopefully my hubby if he doesn't have to work overtime and be with them and do something fun to celebrate being the mom of the best kid there is.

[Forever to Roam]

So I'm sticking with what is best for me, like you said. Going to take my son and hopefully my hubby if he doesn't have to work overtime and be with them and do something fun to celebrate being the mom of the best kid there is.

Good for you! I hope you all have a great day of it. 

And, I just want to reaffirm with you, setting boundaries with her as you did is not cruel. It is her treatment of you that is cruel, and you and your son do not deserve it.

[Amelia]

Thank you so much for saying that. I pride myself on being a kind and loving person so those words do sting.

I was rejected by her again today as my business e-mail went out to a subscriber list automatically that she was on. Rather than simply click the "unsubscribe" button she replied saying only, "Please remove me from all of your e-mail lists."

Done.

[isilme]

For me, also NC with my uBPD mother, I do not contact her at all anymore. Ever. I hate all holidays because of her, but since I've gone NC with her, it's gotten better.

Same here.  I have had to be NC for several years now with both parents (they have been divorced for years, but both diagnosed bi polar, both absusive).  The thought of contact actually has given me panic attacks when I've seriously considered it.  I am about to get married.  I am upset I don't feel safe even sending her photos of my dress until it's done.  My friends have been awesome, FIs mom has been awesome, but sometimes a girl wants her mother.

Mother's Day is hard, Father's Day is the anniversary of me stopping dad from murdering her and then us leaving, all other holidays are hard, even after all this time.

[BlessnotStress]

We also had a difficult one, I work with my mother with nBPD at our family business, we have minimum contact after hours but to be honest, I could do with NC.  We used to have a joint lunch with the in laws, but as with BPD's her relationship with my in laws are not good, and she told me that she will not attend get togethers with them.  So we decided to visit each mom separately.

We arrived at mothers house with flowers and chocolates, she was locked up in her room, came out briefly all crying.  She went back in and didn't even bother greeting my brother when they arrived nor say bye, and she's ignoring us still today at work.  Which is great, we're used to getting the silent treatment for days or weeks, it's peaceful.  We just think why do we even bother?  Thank God I have a lovely mother in law, fate was on my side with this one since I couldn't cope with having a monster in law coupled with mother as well.

My mother is 54 and seems to be getting worse as she ages, didn't think it's possible but it is.    And more immature, her whatsapp status at the moment is "i'm a b___ and i like it". Highly embarrassing.

[Starting_Over]

Society promotes an obligation to Family which allows toxic family members to assert control over weaker family members. In reality a healthy family gets together because they enjoy being around one another. I read an interesting blog that said you will experience  very adverse reactions from people in toxic relationships when they find out that you are no contact, because your choices change the cultural obligation.