Unanswered Questions

[Answers]

Like the majority of others on this board I came across this site in the midst of tremendous chaos as I watched a relationship I was in disintegrate in ways that I could not make sense of. I had never heard of BPD much less did I have an understanding of the behaviors. After reading everything I could find online and at reputable sites, as well as several books, I came down to a strikingly conclusion in understanding the "why" behind it all:

When a child is subject to significant, ongoing abuse during their formative years they do not have the ability to remove themselves from the situation. As a result they develop coping skills to simply survive. Unfortunately the same techniques that they used to get them through unimaginable pain when young are completely destructive to normal, healthy relationships later in life.

That said, I will be the first to admit that it does not make the behaviors any less hurtful or difficult to deal with. Reminding myself of the origins of it all when times are tough helps me in understanding that I am not the cause (regardless of what is said).

My own story started over year and a half ago. For the first year (to the exact day!) we had a completely normal function relationship. We traveled together, pretty much lived together for the later half of it and never had much of any drama. A combination of challenging events from job loss, death of close mutual friend to a signifiant move all came about and once and it was in the midst of this that everything literally changed in a moment. She abruptly left and I became the enemy. Over the next 5 months I rode the same rollercoaster from hell that has been described by so many here. There was; lying, deceit, push/pull, reconciliation, ghosting, vilification, splitting and abuse. My mind struggled to make sense of any it, how did this person I love turn into someone I did not even recognize. In the midst of all of the things that had happened in life I could not even handle it at first and simply shut down. Though her anger and outbursts though I did began recognizing that there was a great deal more from the past affecting her than I had ever known. Slowly I began to seek answers trying to just begin to make sense of it and that is when I learned about BPD. As I mentioned above I read everything I could find. Thankfully there are a lot of good resources such as this forum and books like "Walking on Eggshells" and "I hate you, please do not leave me."

About three months ago, during one of the reconciliation periods, my pwBPD began talking to me earnestly about her own frustrating in understanding her behavior. At this point I shared everything I had read and learned and when she looked into it herself she said she finally had answers. Since then she has but an unbelievable amount of effort into getting help. She sought out and found a specialized center, attends regular therapy. The reality though is that she has a long road ahead of her and while parts of her behavior are already starting to show signs of improvement, things are far from smooth.

Which brings me to two questions I would welcome input on:

1.)  "Honeymoon phase" - Has anyone else had an experience where the honeymoon phase lasted for such a long time (in this case a year). Even in looking back now I struggle to see any real indications of any of these issues and it is hard to imagine someone being able to hide it for that long.

2.)  Has anyone seen long term success with pwBPD who are not denying anything and are actually seeking out therapy and who want to get better? Most of the perspective  I have been able to find seem to involve a pwBPD who are either in complete denial or seek help reluctantly?

One last, hard-learned lesson I would like to offer to everyone else seeking help. Be VERY careful of some of the information online that focuses on portraying people with BPD fairly derogatory and is even aggressive towards them. I've come to realize that in initially learning about BPD I was influenced by few of these more than I realized, it is an easy trap to fall into. As someone who is struggling to make sense of the incompressible behavior which is the trademark of BPD you finally come across a description that exactly describes what you are dealing and can actually put a name to it. The problem then becomes that rather than putting forth real solutions their answers are centered on vilification and hate. I do not believe that anyone should put up with being treated poorly but bringing anger to an already charged situation only has negative consequences. As has been said in so many posts here, people with BPD are ill... .hating them for it does not help us or them!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

1) My honeymoon period was purely idealization, the red flags were there but not knowing about them i didn't read them. It was not 'normal' it simply appeased me

2) my wife accepts the diagnosis and seeks help, but is stuck in victim mode and can't apply herself to change, still wants someone to fix her than do it herself. targeted help is hard to come by and mosts therapists (in my mind) are picking out specific issues/symptoms and addressing them, rather than the bigger picture. This leads to little overall improvement just band aiding the issue of the day.

3) many nons become aware of the disorder after it has done too much damage and so can't turn it around, which leaves the bitter after taste. ie too late to work on it from the inside, or more importantly on themselves. This is why those that fail but have had a chance to work through the improving approach first dont end up as resentful as those who leave before fully coming to terms with it.

[wanttoknowmore]

My answers to both your questions are: Yes and Yes.  Many people might have different opinion.

Honeymoon phase can and do last anywhere from a few days to 1 to 2 years... .depending on severity and type of BPD, Characteristics of Non and his behavior, degree of

availability  of Non, resources and ability to provide distractions and  material benefits (such as exotic vacations, expensive gifts and money etc.) and future benefits from Non and so on.

But, push-pull is inevitable and hater phase is certain eventually... .though it may be behaviorally different depending on individual with BPD.

About recovery from BPD:  Its a good sign that she has insight and very willing to make efforts to get better... .its a long process and recovery will not be 100% . Her behaviors are

likely to get milder and tempered with self monitoring of emotions and awareness of triggers and early recognition of  dysregulation episodes.

Partner has a crucial role too in her recovery. He has to stay consistent and reassuring that he is with her... no matter what... .walking away with loving message when she feels

fear of engulfment... .validation of her feelings and providing support... .consistently.

As time  goes by and relationship continues with pwBPD in continuous therapy ... .the behaviors diminish and becomes tolerable to partner ... .and pwBPD.

Agree that some online info paints all pwBPD with total balck and bleak picture.  There is nothing more untrue than this... .BPD has many shades as it is a spectrum

disorder... .some very mild, some moderate and some have very severe condition... .there are non violent versions( acting in type) and there are witch type (once who kill

boyfriends or their children) Fortunately, witch type is rare (less than 1/2 % of all ) , BPD is mild to moderate severity in more than 80% of the total. And thats the group likely to

recover significantly.