New here---- I am at cross-road.

[bluesea]

I have met my husband for 27 years and married for 21 years. We were the first love to each other when I were 17. We have a very good teenage son. We love each other and have shared all the happiness and sadness in our lives together. I think he is my best friend and soul mate and so does he.

At the beginning of our relationship, I fell in love with him very quickly. He is a charming, warm and positive in front of others. I knew he could be wield. He would dismiss himself quickly if we had arguments. He was extremely angry sometimes if I argued with him. He started to criticise me in the second year. I am the person to apologise and seek return. After we married, he looked after our son and loved him deeply as well. He is always good at argument and tries to let others think all the faults are mine.

Since we have moved to a new country more than ten years ago, our lives have been challenged a lot. I was busy with study and work. He refused to go back to labor work. He wanted to study a degree and chose the area which needs more advance language skills. I knew it would be too hard for him at mid age. But he insisted to do it, I spent a long time to agree on it to myself because I loved him madly and wanted him to be happy. Since he studied, he has not worked much, I have been the single income in our family for ten years. He failed the first degree and studied the second one . Language is the most challenging thing in his study. He became more criticising me and depressed at home. I tried my best to lift his mood up and tolerate his rage and temper so difficulty. I became anxious and depressed about his study and mood. Since last year his study had been not smoothly, he has become more furious and violent only towards me. I can't defend myself if he criticise me and pushed the faults to me because he can't stand my argument at all. He said he can't control himself at that time and wants to punch me and destroy me and the family. Last night he pushed me down to the floor and choked me on my neck because he hurt me verbally after dinner and I couldn't stand it and said back. This was his first time to do it to me. Two years ago, he punched me on my face so that I had a bruise eye for two weeks ever thought I had worked and lied to my colleagues.

Last night he looked like a monster and his mouth was murmuring, he threatened me he will go back to our home country today and leave me. I feel shamed and hopeless and cried behind my son. I researched the whole night and I diagnosed him myself. I knew he has a criticising father with BPD as well. His father has swinging mood and criticises and hurts his mum for 50 years. He father is a strict and no- friends person.  He has big conflicts with his father all the time if they stay together. My husband has become more alike his father's personality since mid age. This illness can be traced in the few generations in their family.

I didn't call police, otherwise it would influence his career. I didn't tell my son, because he is in year 12 and facing the examinations. I didn't tell my friends or family, I feel shamed and I still love him. I want my son has a family as well.

I recently realise his rage has been bigger and out of control. He feels afraid of his mad destroy feeling as well. He went to see psychologist for depression with my accompanying. I prayed to God many times . I know he won't go to see therapist and deny it.

I have been thinking  that 'he has a job and everything will be fine' many years . I understand he has psychological problems which would destroy our family. I feel desperate and understand the previous nicer and loved he might not come back forever.

I feel lonely as well in this country though my job is ok and my son is caring. I have been trying to understand his difficult situation, comfort  and support him every minute. I feel nervous and being pulled down and refused all the time in front of him. I still feel sorry and guilt because it was my decision to com to this country and he had given up his job, friends and family in our home country. I think he is pity as well in this situation and try to help him everyday. But I can't accept he wants to kill me last night. In my memory, I automatically blocked the bad memories he bullied and intimidated me. I tried to give him unconditional love, but I always failed because he hurt me so much and I cant go foreword. I am not perfect and can't hold my pains and still support him.


I want to communicate with him and let him see therapist. Frankly, I don't hold hopes for the treatments. Medications may be more useful and he would not take them. He aggressively said recently after my son' examinations, he will separately live from me. I don't know what I want to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bluesea]

All right, if there's no reply, I want to record my feelings here. I still feel pain physically and emotionally today since last night ' s fight. Lucky, it's my day off. At mid day, he came back and opened my door which the door lock has been damaged by him last night. He told me he bought some food for lunch. I looked at him and he totally didn't see me. I didn't respond. This is the first time he talked to me after fight since many years. I didn't talk at all today and read the relevant information. I still cried sometimes. I can't ignore or forget or forgive at this moment. I want to see a counsellor or psychologist tomorrow.

[Kwamina]

Hi bluesea

What you experienced is horrible. I am very sorry this happened to you and can definitely understand why this would hurt you so much. Being abused isn't pleasant at all and when it's your partner only makes it more difficult and hurtful. Your husband's behavior is very concerning, his rage and violence unfortunately are escalating. To help you assess your current safety situation and assist you in your safety planning, I strongly encourage you to take a look at this resource we have: Safety First

What you are dealing with isn't easy at all and that's why I'm very glad you've taken the step to reach out for support and advice here.

You didn't call the police this time, yet for your own safety it does seem advisable to take certain steps to protect yourself. The support of a counselor or psychologist can also be very helpful so I hope you are indeed able to see one tomorrow.

This isn't the first time he's been violent, two years ago he punched you in your face. Did you tell anyone (friends or family) about that incident back then and what really led to your bruised eye? Does anyone in your family or any other people know about the changes in your husband's behavior these last few years?

Take care and please keep us updated on how things are going with you

[bluesea]

Thank you so much! Kwamina. I couldn't help crying silently in bed when I read your reply. I felt I am walking in the dark without his understanding and everything is turning bad in our relationship.

I have fear caused by his violent behaviours. He hit my chest with his arm once in car when he screamed to me and let me shut up. Since then, I always feel scared when the situation is similar in the car with him. I feel more often I would be attacked at home sometimes without any reason. I didn't tell anyone about his attack on my face and his escalating rage except his sister-- my sister in-law. But she couldn't help us.

I don't know if I can find a suitable family therapist or psychologist. If they just want me to express my feelings without constructive suggestions, I don't know how to do.

Thanks again, I would like to read Safety first again.

[Kwamina]

You're welcome!

Your fear is understandable and quite a normal reaction I think when you have faced this kind of violent outbursts.

You told his sister about when he punched you in the face two years ago but you say she couldn't help you. What did she say about her brother's behavior? Does she live in the same country or perhaps in another country?

Do you perhaps have certain family-members on your own side of the family that you feel you can trust and talk to about these things?

Finding a good therapist or counselor can sometimes take time but I do hope you find someone to support you.

[livednlearned]

Hi bluesea,

Welcome and hello 

I'm so glad you found the site, and sorry for the pain and suffering that brings you here. It must have been very scary to have him choke you like that. Many here have experienced the same behaviors you describe, and I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

You have a lot of insight and wisdom about your husband's condition, and it's good that you are reading and learning more about BPD to help you understand this challenging mental illness. He is capable of being violent with you, and like Kwamina mentioned, it's important to have a safety plan.

We can help you learn some skills to help prevent the conflict from getting worse. Even with those skills, though, it's imperative that you have a safety plan in case he does escalate to violence again. Hiding these behaviors in the shadows solves a short term problem. In the long term, hiding only makes the behaviors gain strength and grow. As difficult as it is, it's important to protect yourself even if doing so means that others will confront difficult consequences.

What would your son say or do if he knew what happened to you last night?

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome here, bluesea,

You have found a safe place online here. With people who understand because we've been through it ourselves, or something similar.

Do you have any friends or coworkers in the country you are in who you really trust, if your husband is violent again? Feeling isolated makes it that much harder.

The escalating pattern of violence is scary. It has been getting worse for years. It could continue getting worse. Please put your safety and your son's safety first.

If you aren't sure how to work out a safety plan or how to handle the next escalating situation when he gets angry with you, let us help you work on it here.

[bluesea]

Hi, Kwamina, livednlearned, and Grey Kitty. Thanks a lot for your prompt replys and listening to the voice from my heart. They mean a lot of things to my shaking soul.

His sister is in my home country. She grew up in that family and is one victim of BPD father as well, like my husband. She tolerates the father and rebels him sometimes. Regarding his brother's behaviours, she understands he can be violent and unreasoning when he feels angry and loses control because he was like that at teenage at home against his father. She is worried about him as well. I contacted her recently regarding his rage. They had a light conversation without this topic because it is too heavy. I don't think she can change his violent behaviour and let him calm down, me either.

My husband is controlled by this rage monster. That is why I feel heart broken for him. He must be very distressed and painful for his behaviour. I feel he has a solid and firm shell and I am never allowed to walk into his most interal world. I feel very painful about this and I know he might have hidden something behind me. I always had got trust about him, but since he became more agressive and restless, I think he is not as reasonable as before.

I don't have family member in this country. My parents have been neglecting and they have been out of my life for many years. They are old as well. I have not shared any feelings with then for many years.

His rage and dangerous behaviours cant be eliminated, can them? In the rage, he was hating me so much and thought I am the worst person in his life. But I have loved him so deeply and have done any thing he needs for him. That really let me so painful and I couldn't understand. After I read BPD diagnosis, I know he hates me and even wants to kill me at that moment because of this illness. I know he will regret after the rude behaviour. But he rarely said sorry to me or explained these ridiculous behaviours to me.

I know he still loves me and he is struggling with BPD. Can anyone help him and me?

[livednlearned]

Hi bluesea,

A thought occurred to me after responding and reading GK's post.

You are probably very numb to the abuse in some ways. This fresh incident of violence has reminded you how bad it can get. Even so, there is sometimes a part of our brain that says we just survived it, therefore we can survive more of it.

People here have lived with and loved someone with BPD and understand the patterns and tendencies of BPD, so the advice to develop a safety plan (with us or on your own) comes with a lot of experience, both with BPD loved ones and with our own reactions and responses to the abuse.

I remember when people told me to protect myself and have a safety plan, I felt so tired, and didn't think anyone understood how hard my situation was.

We do understand. We've been there. Be gentle with yourself, and know that putting together a plan is a sign that you are gaining the strength it takes to be in a BPD relationship. People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, so it is our job to provide them. When we let our boundaries be so severely ignored, the relationship starts to deteriorate even more.

Having boundaries, including a safety plan to protect yourself, is necessary for marriages involving someone with BPD.

We are here for you.  

LnL

[Grey Kitty]

  Yes, this is incredibly tough. Both for you and for him. What I found for myself when I was up against abuse escalating to physical abuse (Not as bad as yours; I was never afraid for my life or physical safety) was that I could try to deal with the "smaller" or more immediate problem instead of the "bigger" one.

His rage and dangerous behaviours cant be eliminated, can them? In the rage, he was hating me so much and thought I am the worst person in his life. But I have loved him so deeply and have done any thing he needs for him. That really let me so painful and I couldn't understand. After I read BPD diagnosis, I know he hates me and even wants to kill me at that moment because of this illness. I know he will regret after the rude behaviour. But he rarely said sorry to me or explained these ridiculous behaviours to me.

I know he still loves me and he is struggling with BPD. Can anyone help him and me?

The key is that this is how he is feeling AT THAT MOMENT.

You can't change those feelings at that moment. You know that the moment will pass, and eventually the feelings will as well. You know that if he acts on those feelings, he will later regret them.

The best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. You are protecting yourself, him, and your relationship by doing so. I don't mean leave him forever, or even move out of the house, although it may come to to that. I mean just get some space. As quickly as you can. Try to be kind, but don't let being kind or polite keep you there as things are ramping up.

How to take a time out

That he is that upset at that moment is the small problem, and that is a solvable problem.

Can the anger and rage and everything change? Yes, there is some hope that it can change. It won't be fast, and it won't be easy. For him or for you. And taking those smaller steps of protecting yourself from it is the best possible thing you can do to give him room to make the larger changes.

 Hang in there!

[bluesea]

Thanks a lot for your concerns about my situation, Kwamina, livednlearned, and Grey Kitty.

His every physical attack happened towards me only when two of us presented. Last night my son went to gym. Then the rage happened and when he came back home, I was crying in bed. My son knew we always fight and he became silent and tries not to be involved too much sometimes. My husband said something about me to him and let him feel I am not reasonable sometimes. At the beginning, I was angry and protested against the manipulation. I feel guilty I can't give my son a harmonious environment at home. Because of the pressure and stress of survival in tn his country, we were stressed and outbursted. We still try to talk about happy topics and not fighting too much verbally in front of my son. I don't want give my son any hurts or negative impact in his life. I knew parents ' marriage would influence kid's future life a lot. But I feel I failed in this aspect. I can't reverse and win in this situation by myself.

I want to tell my son to read my post after his examination. I wish he can know more about me , but I wish it may not scare him. I hope it is not after a tragedy happens then he reads these posts.

With my bruise eyes, I didn't explain to him when he asked me. He let it passed quickly, so did I. Last night he walked into my room, he gave me his hand to me and I held it, nearly cried. He said 'why I came in is not letting you cry more, I want you to calm down'. I stopped sobbing, because it was near mid night. He said his father always has a bad temper and told me not to argue when he is argry. And he will be fine later. That is from his experience with his father. Recently I told him that his father is really mad sometimes towards me. He said I need to treat his father like a patient. I didn't want to tell what his father had done to me. I still feel it's painful to tell him his father may have BPD and nearly killed his mum!


Regarding safety, I know if I don't argue with my husband, he might be fine and the rage would not happen. But the problem is I can't help myself to dispute, when he blames me or hurts me. Then I would sacrifice my life for the dispute. He said he cannot stand my voice in the dispute. He tried to control his anger in the rage. Finally he physically attacked me because I argued with him too much in his reasons. His rage can escalate from one to one hundred in ten seconds.

I am glad to learn safety plan and skills though I am very tired. I didn't feel as scared as I thought last night. I was numb and blind.

[bluesea]

Thanks a lot for your advice, grey kitty. I will remove myself from the escalating rage quickly because it is life threatening. My husband is trying to avoid the situation. It seems that we have been cursed in the circle.

I saw lights when you told me the rage can be changed. How to talk to him about BPD? How to let him see professionals? How to set up the boundaries with him without another rages?

I am sorry I am quite eager for having the improvements in our relationship. That is my problem. I feel the whole world collapsed when we can't live happily together. So does him.

[Grey Kitty]

Quickly... .don't talk to him about BPD. At least not right now, and not hoping it will suddenly "fix" anything.

I've been here long enough to hear a lot of stories where a partner discussed BPD with a person who at least appeared to have it. (I say appeared, as it takes a professional to diagnose it, and that didn't happen in most cases for various reasons)

Probably 95% of the time the outcome was negative--nothing good came out of it.

Getting him to seek professional help for mental health is also difficult, and I'd suggest putting that off for a while as well, or at least not pushing hard for it.

Talking about specific behavior (physical violence, shouting, verbal attacks, etc.) is much more productive.

Your last question is a good place to start: How to enforce boundaries.

I recommend that the first boundary you enforce is that you will not be raged at, verbally or physically.

This is helpful, because if you try to enforce other boundaries to stop other bad behavior, most likely he will get angry and start raging. So start by working out how to protect yourself (and your son) from that.

Did you see the article about how to take a time out I posted earlier?

[waverider]

A safety plan is essential as it reduces the trapped and helpless feeling. Without this it is hard to start enforcing boundaries as you have no fall back position.

Over the years you have become the submissive partner in this marriage. Your husband can only be dominant as long as you let him, hence you ultimately have control. The problem with these dysfunctional relationships is that you become "conditioned' to believe you have no such power.

The purpose of this forum is to help you rediscover this power of self determination. The relationship may survive, or it may not, but you can regain control of your life again. At the moment you have a faulty tool box, and it seems no matter what you try it never works so you give up. We have some tried and tested new tools for you to employ

We can help you move from survive to thrive, it wont be easy and it wont be quick as you are going to have to effectively change your personality, and that takes an evolution.

Start by working your way through these links, and treat them as a curriculum if you like

THE LESSONS

You are not alone.

Waverider

[bluesea]

Thanks for your suggestions, grey kitty and waverider. Today I have bee reading the articles your supportive people provided. I need to read them again because my concentration is poor now and I lack of energy.

I haven't talked  to him yet after the attack even thought he tried to contact me by asking me irelevant questions, moving himself to my bed at midnight. He didn't apologise or talk about the incident at all and is waiting for me to forgive. This is first time in many years. Every time in the past I firstly approached to him in this situation. But this time, I can't do it. I am still hating him and feeling so painful in my heart. I am still licking the wounds in my heart and soul silently.

Forgive me I can't move on right now.

I try to think this is caused by the illness. But when I saw him in the morning, he looks so natural and looks nothing happened to us. I can't forgive him without any his apologies or self awareness after he nearly took my life. He thought it happened because of my faults-- I had being argued with him about the original topic I can't remember now for 2 minutes. I am so angry and hate him to hurt me so badly! And the abuser is him who I have being loved for so many years with my life's love and time.

I am crying again and feel so sad in my heart. I cry loudly and I know I need the release and recovery. This is another tragic day coming back.

I won't argue or fight with him today because I feel unsafe to do now. This is the change you guys gave to me. Many times in this situation, I felt desperate and angry and I defended when he blamed me or abused me.

[bluesea]

He said just now he will buy ticket to go back to our home country if I feel ok. I didn't look at him or reply to him. I know if I said you stay, he is still going back and nothing can change his ideas.


The days are coming back. I will feel sad, abandoned and lonely, but quiet. I will be painful and lonely every time I wake up. But in this situation, nobody can win. We might fight again and cause more serious things happened.


I have to be independent emotionally right now.

Any suggestions for me, please? I don't know how to do.

[waverider]

After a crisis often physical space and time apart is necessary as you have a lot to clear in your mind and close proximity clutters your thinking and you can set things right. It also Highlight that time as an important moment, otherwise it is swept under the carpet and no lessons are learned.

Your major focus now is to make sure history doesn't repeat.

[livednlearned]

Hi bluesea,

Are you doing ok? It's tough to walk this road alone.

We're here for you, listening and caring.

Let us know if you need support.



LnL