not sure what's next, but at least i'm free again

[voltclimb]

I finally mostly got out of the fog and I feel more like myself again... she's basically dead to me (figuratively speaking).  I realized that 90% of my attraction for her was feeling like I could make her calm and happy, and feeling appreciated.  Anyway, that spell is gone.

Now I sorta feel wary of all relationships and dating and I just want to find a way to be content for a while, if I can, and just forget about it for a bit... .it's hard, though.  I still have some loneliness/sadness to process I think.

[WoundedBibi]

I finally mostly got out of the fog and I feel more like myself again... she's basically dead to me (figuratively speaking).  I realized that 90% of my attraction for her was feeling like I could make her calm and happy, and feeling appreciated.  Anyway, that spell is gone.

Now I sorta feel wary of all relationships and dating and I just want to find a way to be content for a while, if I can, and just forget about it for a bit... .it's hard, though.  I still have some loneliness/sadness to process I think.

And what about your need to make her calm and happy in the first place? Sounds as if you were trying to rescue her. If you do have a thing about rescuing others and don't look at it now it will come back and bite you in the behind again somewhere down the road.

[sunflowerpanda]

Voltclimb, first of all *hugs*

I can understand the feeling of the spell falling off. Feeling wary of getting into new relationships/dating is normal. Maybe it is even healthy. Here is a chance for you to direct all your energy towards yourself. It is a process. You will get there one step at a time.

[voltclimb]

I don't think my original intention was to rescue, but my desire to be strongly valuable was what hooked me.  Yes, I'm a caretaker type.  I need to do some serious examination and figure that out... .  I think my ex wife had some at least mild 'helpless' tendencies, maybe even some cluster B traits.

Fortunately, I do weekly therapy for trauma (EMDR) and my counselor is pretty good with these issues, and I'm 100% convinced rationally, now, that they are real, and I know emotionally how much pain they cause me, so I will take them seriously.

[voltclimb]

I think I need to work on self respect and self acceptance.  I'm so ready to believe terrible things people tell me about myself.

But at the same time--not so much that I dove back in with this woman.  I cut her off after one cycle despite temptations.  I prevailed.  Maybe I can keep developing myself and eventually get to a better place.

I know that doing intensive trauma therapy for... .oh... let's say 50 or so sessions total (mostly EMDR)?... has taken me EXTREMELY far and has massively transformed me.   It may not come across much in my forum posts, but I really have come very far.  My therapist says that I am extremely motivated and that I seem to benefit from EMDR more than most people, so that speaks to the magnitude of what I've overcome so far.

[WoundedBibi]

I think I need to work on self respect and self acceptance.  I'm so ready to believe terrible things people tell me about myself.

But at the same time--not so much that I dove back in with this woman.  I cut her off after one cycle despite temptations.  I prevailed.  Maybe I can keep developing myself and eventually get to a better place.

I know that doing intensive trauma therapy for... .oh... let's say 50 or so sessions total (mostly EMDR)?... has taken me EXTREMELY far and has massively transformed me.   It may not come across much in my forum posts, but I really have come very far.  My therapist says that I am extremely motivated and that I seem to benefit from EMDR more than most people, so that speaks to the magnitude of what I've overcome so far.

I know what you mean...

That's so good to hear!