Getting over relation with BPD male

[Alison1980]

I've been in a relationship with a boarder line personality male with a lot of narcissism traits for 2 and half years. When I met him the first 6 weeks was the best time I'd ever had. He made me feel like I was the best thing in the world & he put me on a pedestal. He would say things like "you're too good to be true; I can't believe I've met someone like you" then there were the early warning signs I didn't notice with comments like "I'm scared you'll get bored of me" and "I don't feel worthy & fear being rejected"

After a 6 week honey moon period things went on a downward spiral, he became withdrawn, depressed & isolated himself from me. The adoration texts stopped & it was like he couldn't be bothered. We would argue over stupid things about my ex partner of my child and he would quickly loose his temper and become very aggressive; sometimes to the point I would cower away think he was going to lash out. There was always a drama whether it was with me or someone else. I realised he had extensive problems when I witnessed an argument he had with his mother; he was verbally abusive to her, blaming her for his dysfunctional childhood, said he hated her and then would cry like a child and hit himself in the head.

I witnessed him being verbally aggressive to his work colleagues and if I didn't support him, again he'd loose his temple with me.

If I didn't be affectionate and loving right when he wanted it, he'd say I was rejecting him, he needed that physical act. He'd punish me by sulking, ignoring me and sleeping on the edge of the bed if I didn't succumb to his physical needs.

6 months into the relationship he accused me completely irrationally of infidelity, I had to go to a GUM clinic to prove my innocence & he said if I was clean he'd "kiss my arse". Of course I should have left at this point & cut my losses, but I believed I could fix him, prove he was worthy if I showed him enough love & attention.

We quickly lived together, I would stay at his place every night & then he moved into my house. He didn't want to live in my area & his expectation was that I should relocate to his home town 80 miles away, change my job & be near his family & his daughter. I always had such doubts about the relationship, I was scared to make such a move & he became bitter that I would not accommodate what he needed. He would accuse me of "sucking him in under false pretences". Over time the arguments became more vile & he would spit his poison at me, criticize, accuse & always the infidelity trust issues would rear it's ugly head. I once went on a night away to visit my friend as he was doing the same; because I hadn't responded right away to his texts, he would send me verbally abusive texts, calling me a liar, a cheat and then ignore me for days then dump me. I never did cheat on him or was unfaithful in anyway, I would sometimes keep him in the dark regarding issues with my ex partner in order to keep the peace & would be forever walking on egg shells, trying to say the right thing. If I was open with the truth on what difficulties I was facing, he was no support and would get angry with me, or speak to me like a critical parent of a naughty child. I was dammed if I did and dammed if I didn't. If I went against doing things his way then he'd say I never listened and I just defied him. I lost my mum 4 years ago and on each anniversary, Mother's Day, Christmas etc I struggled. He had no empathy for me and any kind words were short lived. I'd even do special Mother's Day cards for his mother and say that he had done them. That took a lot to do, but was worse with no recognition for anything I did right. He he would focus on was the negatives and throw up my past in my face at every opportunity.

There have been countless break ups & reconciliations, and the impending threat that if things didn't go his way he would leave. When I have left him and he's come back he would be full of remorse, empty promises, but then be relentless about how I had rejected him and before long I would be trapped in the same madness. Things things would soon go on a downward spiral yet again and be feeling disheartened. I'd be left thinking why have I let myself go back again into this craziness yet again being subjected to the mind games and verbal abuse. The expectation in the relationship was that I should continue to be a mother figure to him, pander to his every need, but always with crumbs of affection in return. If I didn't succumb to meet his every needs, it was seen as rejection and that I didn't obviously love him. The expectation was that I needed to change to go back to the way I was, but I been hung out to dry and felt like I'd nothing more to give. I'd lost patience and this would cause constant bickering between us. My 4 year daughter would even tell him "be kind to mummy, stop arguing".

With each abusive outbreak I would be left with emotional scars, which would find more difficult to come back from. It left me feeling more bitter and resentful towards him each time and I could no longer be his emotional, caring slave. He couldn't understand why I wasn't like I used to be, giving him the unconditional love with no boundaries and accepting his verbal abusive behaviour. I'd tolerated behaviour that was way beyond acceptable and would blame myself. At one point in the relationship I asked him to go and see a counsellor and he did under duress, but he told me he'd lied to the counsellor because he didn't want the counsellor to think bad of him. He felt he was becoming attached to the counsellor, as he was like a father figure and when he felt like the counsellor rejected him he refused to go again. He had been rejected by his father as a child and for all his life, which probably has most likely caused his constant fear of rejection. He also has not had the closet relationship with his mother. I thought I could fill his empty voids, make him feel loved; but with all the hurt back from him, distrust, anger, he took it all away from me. I'd still go back for more thinking, it might get better this time, but it just got worse and I became more resentful and bitter. I wanted to feel loved and cared for unconditionally from him, feel supported and respected, but he was not capable to provide me with what I needed. I'd tried and explain that and he'd listen but then do the opposite, it was all about him, how he needed to feel loved and wanted, I had to just accept that he was ill and not normal and as a result sacrifice my own happiness.

I thought getting engaged might make him feel more secure, so I even paid half of the ring to make it happen. The last time he left, he stole my engagement ring and has refused to give it back or pay me what I paid for it. It was not the money that hurt so much, but the fact he went through all my things to find it and stole from me something that was sentimental and ultimately an act just to hurt me for rejecting him again.

I went for counselling myself during the relationship, due to feeling such low self esteem and feeling trapped. It was during this time that I realised I was in a very toxic, codependent relationship. There was the vicious circle of the karpams drama triangle going on. With work on myself, I have changed as a person. I learnt what behaviour is acceptable and not acceptable and there should be boundaries in a relationship. I was being a victim in this relationship and not a survivor; only negativity could stem from that.

My counsellor informed me that if only one person in the relationship does work on themselves, they will ultimately out grow the other person. This is what has led to the break down of the relationship; I realised that I don't deserve to be treated so badly any more, I no longer want to endure the dysfunctional dramas of this man, I have more self respect and when I come out the other side, I know I will have a more relaxed peaceful, happy life with my 4 year old daughter.  I will still have the painful road of enduring the grief cycle but I know it will be worth it. I realise that life is too short to waste it on someone who is always a victim, a tormented soul, who hates their own life and doesn't know what it is to be happy. He will never change and now refuses to seek professional help so I've had to walk away yet again, which was so hard because I was only clutching at straws and feared the loneliness of being on my own.

I just hope I feel better soon, but right now I'm emotionally wounded and struggling.

[cherryblossom]

Your story in many ways echos mine. These boards are very insightful and comforting. There will be good days and bad. Im pleased you made steps to break away. It is toughbut you'll get through it with support, and you'll develop a greater understanding of urself. Sorry cant say more today - not good day for me but just wanted to show some support     - u should get some other replies soon as well xx