First Post -- Background and Looking Forward

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello!

Thank you so much for this site, and for everyone’s kind participation!

This is my first post.

I’m not so sure that SO with BPD is the right board, but I didn’t see anything more accurate. I also apologize if my first post is not as brief as would otherwise be preferred.

Out of a desire to fully understand my (now, possibly ex-) acquaintance’s, friend’s, romantic-partner’s, lover’s behaviors (it is extremely difficult to accurately define the relationship), I began researching the experiences she said she had in her life. She told me that she had been raped at the age of eight, which she kept to herself until she was in her teens, when she told her therapist, who (since she was a minor at the time) revealed it to her parents, who in turn denied it and accused her of lying about it. She also alluded to the possibility of neglectful and possibly abusive parenting. She told me her father (a police officer) is very narcissistic, and alluded to the possibility of both of her parents being alcoholics. She told me that when her father found out about her being raped, he told her (after calling her a liar) that he wished she had never been born. She also told me that her last romantic partner, also a police officer, (as she describes it, her first experience with romance and love) inflicted extreme mental, emotional, and physical abuse on her, including repeated rape, assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault, kidnapping, imprisonment (locked her in his house against her will), other physical abuses, and other things, some of which are extremely bizarre. She also implied that he knocked her unconscious, at least once, as an implied cause of her stated hypothalamus dysfunction.

As a result of her last/first romantic relationship (partially described above) she told me she had been diagnosed with PTSD, and extreme anxiety, and that she has extreme nightmares so bad that she does everything she can not to sleep, including overloading her schedule with commitments such as six or more part-time jobs, etc., in addition to attending school full-time. She says she only gets three to four hours of sleep a day, and usually not all at the same time.

As our relationship began to move from amicable acquaintances toward a fuller friendship, I began researching the effects of the experiences she says she had. I wanted to understand her, and the things with which she was dealing. However, it wasn’t until (what I now think was) the denouement of our relationship that I began researching BPD as an ancillary effect of her experiences. The more I learned about BPD, the more our whole, confusing relationship started to make sense to me, from the beginning to what now may be the end. In fact, all of her behavior was more fully indicative of BPD than the other things with which she said she had been diagnosed. Nonetheless, I am not trained in these things, and I am only trying to find my way in the dark. I really can’t say that I “know” anything.

She never alluded to having been diagnosed with BPD. Although, after I learned more about it, I recall things she said that were terms and language associated with BPD. Also her descriptions of her past behavior, compared to her behavior now, and things I have seen her do (what are apparently coping behaviors) suggests that she is at least aware of BPD, and that she may have been in therapy for it for quite a while.

As our relationship became closer, I began to experience the push/pull cycle. Although she never raged at me, she would become very hostile and spiteful at times, usually after a period of her distancing herself from me and pulling away. After the periods of hostility and spitefulness, and sometimes her “ending” the relationship, she would begin to swing the other way and do things to reconcile and pull us back together. We would eventually hit a new high in intimacy and closeness, after which the cycle would start all over again, only worse. Although we were lovers for a short time toward the end, it was when we were the most caring and loving with each other – not necessarily in a sexual way, but certainly an emotionally intimate way – (usually culminating in me holding her close for a long while, until she slept) that she had the hardest time internalizing.

The relationship has been a short, but intense one, only having lasted for seven months, the last four being the most intense.

Based on the research I’ve done on BPD, and the effort I saw her make in the relationship, I do believe she did make a very significant effort to try to make things work between us. But in the end, she “ended” it very kindly, compassionately, and lovingly, telling me that she so very much wanted the kind of relationship we had both talked about aspiring toward, but that she didn’t know how to be close to me. She also said that she could not be successful in an intimate relationship right now, that she could not be in a committed relationship right now, that our intimacy made her very afraid and that being on the defense all the time exhausted her. She told me that she owned all of her bad behavior 110%, and that she was so very sorry for it, but that she could not keep hurting me anymore, and that it would be better for her to leave me now, and cause one big hurt, than for her to stay and continue hurting me for the foreseeable future. She said she was so exhausted that she didn’t even have the strength to fight for her own well-being right now, and that she didn’t know if she would want to be intimate with anyone ever again. After I was certain that she was absolutely sure about her decision, I let her go and did not try to dissuade her, or try to make contact with her. There was no anger, or (as far as I know) any unresolved issues. It was the kindest, most loving, most perfect breakup of which I have ever been a part.

However, I’ve put quotation marks around the word ended, because, even after she “ended” it, she continued to e-mail me. At first, she seemed to want to assuage any guilt she had about ending it, but then she seemed more interested to know if I was well. The last time she initiated contact (to respect her space, I will not initiate contact with her), she used what I think was a ruse of wanting to know if I had driven by her house and waved. We e-mailed back a forth a bit, but I think my last e-mail was too much for her. Over three-fourths of it was supportive of her, but I did let her know that it seemed that she wanted to cram me into the smallest crevice of her life, and build a wall around me, to keep me as completely and thoroughly controlled as possible, and I asked her (not angrily) about her continued contact and what she wanted or needed from me. For over three weeks now, she has not replied. It may indeed be over, and that would probably be best, but she may at some point contact me again. Those who know her, and our situation, think that she probably will contact me again.

Nonetheless, her continued silence has been a good thing for me because it has allowed me to do the research and to better understand what happened, which, in turn, has allowed me to become more objective about things, and to put my feelings of love and caring for her in a more realistic perspective. It has also given me time to work on getting over the hurt and the sadness.

I have to say, though, that I so very much wish I had known about the validating communication techniques before things “ended.” I always felt that I was failing to read between the lines of her messages, and that no matter how I replied to her, or expressed myself, or tried to be supportive, I was failing to give her what she needed. I see now how I could have done so much better with her, and I do look at it as a failure on my part. On the other hand, I’ve been trying to find my way in the dark through all of this, and I think I did the best that I could, and I probably did far better than anyone else in her life has done to try to understand her behavior and to try to be supportive of her. But still, I wish I had known earlier, and I hate that I failed her.

So here I am, doing all this research, trying to understand someone who may be gone from my life forever. I do find BPD to be fascinating on an intellectual level, and extremely compelling on a human compassion level, so even though she may never contact me again, I will continue trying to understand things until I see no more point in doing so. If she does contact me again, I will be in a far better place to be the best friend I can be to her.

But I am still unsure (if she does contact me) if continuing communication is the best thing for me. I already know that any kind of a romantic relationship between us would not be beneficial, or even functionally possible right now, and that it may never be. So that’s off of the table. I do still love her, though, and care for her so very, very much. Since there is a significant age difference between us, I’ve cared for and loved her on a broader spectrum than I ever thought myself capable. Romantic love was part of it, but no more: it causes her tremendous fear, and (now that I know what I do) I don’t think it is beneficial for either one of us, or even possible. So the best I could hope for is to be the best friend I can be to her, to be supportive but not enabling, and to foster what long-term positivity I can in her life, without it being a negative thing for me, and hopefully it being a positive thing for me.

Reading this forum has been tremendously helpful to me, and, again, I appreciate the site so much, and everyone’s participation.

Any guidance or suggestions anyone may have would be very much appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I hope it wasn’t beyond the pale.

[OneUnprepared]

Hello!

Thank you so much for this site, and for everyone’s kind participation!

This is my first post.

I’m not so sure that SO with BPD is the right board, but I didn’t see anything more accurate. I also apologize if my first post is not as brief as would otherwise be preferred.

Out of a desire to fully understand my (now, possibly ex-) acquaintance’s, friend’s, romantic-partner’s, lover’s behaviors (it is extremely difficult to accurately define the relationship), I began researching the experiences she said she had in her life. She told me that she had been raped at the age of eight, which she kept to herself until she was in her teens, when she told her therapist, who (since she was a minor at the time) revealed it to her parents, who in turn denied it and accused her of lying about it. She also alluded to the possibility of neglectful and possibly abusive parenting. She told me her father (a police officer) is very narcissistic, and alluded to the possibility of both of her parents being alcoholics. She told me that when her father found out about her being raped, he told her (after calling her a liar) that he wished she had never been born. She also told me that her last romantic partner, also a police officer, (as she describes it, her first experience with romance and love) inflicted extreme mental, emotional, and physical abuse on her, including repeated rape, assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault, kidnapping, imprisonment (locked her in his house against her will), other physical abuses, and other things, some of which are extremely bizarre. She also implied that he knocked her unconscious, at least once, as an implied cause of her stated hypothalamus dysfunction.

As a result of her last/first romantic relationship (partially described above) she told me she had been diagnosed with PTSD, and extreme anxiety, and that she has extreme nightmares so bad that she does everything she can not to sleep, including overloading her schedule with commitments such as six or more part-time jobs, etc., in addition to attending school full-time. She says she only gets three to four hours of sleep a day, and usually not all at the same time.

As our relationship began to move from amicable acquaintances toward a fuller friendship, I began researching the effects of the experiences she says she had. I wanted to understand her, and the things with which she was dealing. However, it wasn’t until (what I now think was) the denouement of our relationship that I began researching BPD as an ancillary effect of her experiences. The more I learned about BPD, the more our whole, confusing relationship started to make sense to me, from the beginning to what now may be the end. In fact, all of her behavior was more fully indicative of BPD than the other things with which she said she had been diagnosed. Nonetheless, I am not trained in these things, and I am only trying to find my way in the dark. I really can’t say that I “know” anything.

She never alluded to having been diagnosed with BPD. Although, after I learned more about it, I recall things she said that were terms and language associated with BPD. Also her descriptions of her past behavior, compared to her behavior now, and things I have seen her do (what are apparently coping behaviors) suggests that she is at least aware of BPD, and that she may have been in therapy for it for quite a while.

As our relationship became closer, I began to experience the push/pull cycle. Although she never raged at me, she would become very hostile and spiteful at times, usually after a period of her distancing herself from me and pulling away. After the periods of hostility and spitefulness, and sometimes her “ending” the relationship, she would begin to swing the other way and do things to reconcile and pull us back together. We would eventually hit a new high in intimacy and closeness, after which the cycle would start all over again, only worse. Although we were lovers for a short time toward the end, it was when we were the most caring and loving with each other – not necessarily in a sexual way, but certainly an emotionally intimate way – (usually culminating in me holding her close for a long while, until she slept) that she had the hardest time internalizing.

The relationship has been a short, but intense one, only having lasted for seven months, the last four being the most intense.

Based on the research I’ve done on BPD, and the effort I saw her make in the relationship, I do believe she did make a very significant effort to try to make things work between us. But in the end, she “ended” it very kindly, compassionately, and lovingly, telling me that she so very much wanted the kind of relationship we had both talked about aspiring toward, but that she didn’t know how to be close to me. She also said that she could not be successful in an intimate relationship right now, that she could not be in a committed relationship right now, that our intimacy made her very afraid and that being on the defense all the time exhausted her. She told me that she owned all of her bad behavior 110%, and that she was so very sorry for it, but that she could not keep hurting me anymore, and that it would be better for her to leave me now, and cause one big hurt, than for her to stay and continue hurting me for the foreseeable future. She said she was so exhausted that she didn’t even have the strength to fight for her own well-being right now, and that she didn’t know if she would want to be intimate with anyone ever again. After I was certain that she was absolutely sure about her decision, I let her go and did not try to dissuade her, or try to make contact with her. There was no anger, or (as far as I know) any unresolved issues. It was the kindest, most loving, most perfect breakup of which I have ever been a part.

However, I’ve put quotation marks around the word ended, because, even after she “ended” it, she continued to e-mail me. At first, she seemed to want to assuage any guilt she had about ending it, but then she seemed more interested to know if I was well. The last time she initiated contact (to respect her space, I will not initiate contact with her), she used what I think was a ruse of wanting to know if I had driven by her house and waved. We e-mailed back a forth a bit, but I think my last e-mail was too much for her. Over three-fourths of it was supportive of her, but I did let her know that it seemed that she wanted to cram me into the smallest crevice of her life, and build a wall around me, to keep me as completely and thoroughly controlled as possible, and I asked her (not angrily) about her continued contact and what she wanted or needed from me. For over three weeks now, she has not replied. It may indeed be over, and that would probably be best, but she may at some point contact me again. Those who know her, and our situation, think that she probably will contact me again.

Nonetheless, her continued silence has been a good thing for me because it has allowed me to do the research and to better understand what happened, which, in turn, has allowed me to become more objective about things, and to put my feelings of love and caring for her in a more realistic perspective. It has also given me time to work on getting over the hurt and the sadness.

I have to say, though, that I so very much wish I had known about the validating communication techniques before things “ended.” I always felt that I was failing to read between the lines of her messages, and that no matter how I replied to her, or expressed myself, or tried to be supportive, I was failing to give her what she needed. I see now how I could have done so much better with her, and I do look at it as a failure on my part. On the other hand, I’ve been trying to find my way in the dark through all of this, and I think I did the best that I could, and I probably did far better than anyone else in her life has done to try to understand her behavior and to try to be supportive of her. But still, I wish I had known earlier, and I hate that I failed her.

So here I am, doing all this research, trying to understand someone who may be gone from my life forever. I do find BPD to be fascinating on an intellectual level, and extremely compelling on a human compassion level, so even though she may never contact me again, I will continue trying to understand things until I see no more point in doing so. If she does contact me again, I will be in a far better place to be the best friend I can be to her.

But I am still unsure (if she does contact me) if continuing communication is the best thing for me. I already know that any kind of a romantic relationship between us would not be beneficial, or even functionally possible right now, and that it may never be. So that’s off of the table. I do still love her, though, and care for her so very, very much. Since there is a significant age difference between us, I’ve cared for and loved her on a broader spectrum than I ever thought myself capable. Romantic love was part of it, but no more: it causes her tremendous fear, and (now that I know what I do) I don’t think it is beneficial for either one of us, or even possible. So the best I could hope for is to be the best friend I can be to her, to be supportive but not enabling, and to foster what long-term positivity I can in her life, without it being a negative thing for me, and hopefully it being a positive thing for me.

Reading this forum has been tremendously helpful to me, and, again, I appreciate the site so much, and everyone’s participation.

Any guidance or suggestions anyone may have would be very much appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I hope it wasn’t beyond the pale.

[Turkish]

Hello OneUnprepard,

It's hard to say how much of what she told you about her past is true. Choldhood sexual abuse can be lied about, but it's rare. I wouldn't say either way anout her r/s with the Father avatar. I'd believe the PTSD.

From your readings, you probably know that BPD is a disorder where the sufferers feel intense shame. Often times it's projected on others because they are unable to cope with the intense self-loathing.

Regarding learning about the validation techniques, many of us here feel the way you do, including me: if only I had known. Even so, if you had grown closer, it's uncertain what would have happened. After my Ex was gone, my T said, "I sense that a lot of your anger stems from you expecting her to be someone she is not." You don't seem angry, but perhaps frustrated.

I think that you asserted a good boundary in your last email. You defined the terms of friendship based upon your core values. Often, we sacrifice our needs to "save" someone who should be saving themselves. She commenting about you driving by her house seems dissociative. Or it could be her telling you what she wanted.

Do you desire contact with her, or are you going to let this go and not reach out? If she reaches out, how will you respond?

Turkish

[OneUnprepared]

Hello, Turkish.

Thank you for your kind reply.

Although it is hard for me to disregard what she has said about her past experiences, I agree with you that it is also very hard to know what to believe. From what I have read, it is not uncommon for a pwBPD (or traits) to exaggerate his/her experiences, even though the report of those experiences may contain a kernel of truth. I am certainly skeptical, but I don’t feel comfortable totally disregarding the possibility of what she reported – not that I think you are suggesting such a thing.

In fact, I am somewhat concerned about what she may be telling others about me, not that there is anything I wouldn’t feel comfortable for everyone to know (although I would think it to be a bit intrusive). One thing I have in my defense, if it comes down to it, is that I have a copy of all texts, e-mails, and voice mail messages that would quickly dispel any B.S. about her role in our relationship. I kept those things out of a desire to recall what we had endured. I had no idea that they might actually be able to “report me aright.” So far, though, I have had no need to defend myself publicly. I feel strongly that she has painted me as a terrible person – probably while splitting – to her best “friend” and house-mate, who has, in turn, done what she could to defame my character to others in her circle of friends. Luckily, her housemate and best friend does not have a very good reputation in the community, nor does she have much overall gravitas as a person. Most people do not like her at all. But it is still a concern though.

I, too, am inclined to believe her claim of PTSD.

Regarding projection, she did tell me once that she was trying not to project her negative feelings onto me. Both the term “projection” and the fact that she was trying not to project her negative feelings onto me suggests that she is aware of what projection is, and that she may have been in therapy at least for a while.

Regarding expecting her to be what she is not, I would agree that, prior to my better acquaintanceship with BPD, I did think of things in terms of hope, but not expectation. I hoped that she would respond or behave in a certain way, but I did not expect it.

I’ve felt very little anger toward her, except once – before I had a good understanding of what was going on – when she kept behaving hostilely and spitefully, even after I had repeatedly asked her to stop, and I finally took her to task. The abrupt change from defiant hostility to deep, hurt, and wounded sadness is something I never want to see in her eyes again, or indeed in anyone’s eyes. I didn’t relent until I had said everything that needed to be said, but damn it was tough.

Yes, “frustrated” is a good way to put it. But the more I learn, the more I understand, and the less frustrated I am.

The assertion of boundaries, and the benefits that such assertions can have for both of us, is something about which I need to learn more. However, the primary things in which I would like to be given greater respect, as a co-participant in our relationship, are: truthfulness (or more to the point her “hiding” as she puts it – the intentional exclusion of communication about even the most common of daily occurrences, etc., not to mention other things), and timeliness of communication (or her extreme control over our communication) where she has no problem ignoring my communications up to several days, but expects me to be on-tap, as it were, for any of her communications. I’m not sure how I can assert any boundaries over those things without coming across as being intentionally retaliatory. 

I’ve wondered about her comment about me driving by. Initially it seemed like a ruse to communicate, but, as you mentioned, it also seemed like she was alluding to what she wanted me to do. In that she had “ended” our relationship, however, and that she seemed to want me completely out of her life (or at least completely controlled) I discarded that idea. Even if it is what she wanted (using pwBPD logic), I am not inclined to play that game.

Regarding your question about whether I want contact with her: I have to say that I am ambivalent. One part of me very much wants contact with her. It wants the chance to use the validating techniques to see how they may ameliorate our communication abilities for the long-term benefit of our friendship and the long-term positivity she may get from it. On the other hand, part of me says that it has done its time, that it is not my problem, and that I should “git while the gittin’ is good.” But I am not one who lets go of caring easily.

Nonetheless, I will respect her space and I will not initiate contact with her, except for, perhaps, her birthday, which is several months away (I’m still not sure about the best course of action there).

If she reaches out to me, I am also not sure what is best. I am inclined to think that I will use the validating techniques to see how they are received, and if they are received well, to use them to try to build a long-lasting, supportive friendship with her. But maybe I am just a chump.

Thank you again, Turkish. And, by the way, I am cognizant of the fact that, so far, I am getting of extremely easy in my experience with BPD. I can only imagine how you, and those who have experienced much, much more, must feel, and what you have endured. Again, thank you for your kind sharing and participation on this forum so that others can better understand and cope with the effects of BPD, and in turn facilitate a positive change in their lives.

OneUnprepared