Accepting that I fell in love with her words not her self.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

"You're my best friend," "you saved my life," "I'll love you forever," "there will never be anyone but you," "you're the best man I've ever known," "you're always right," "I will follow you anywhere," "All I have is yours."

These are the words I fell in love with.  But these words were nothing but empty manipulations fashioned specifically to attach my life to hers.  

I feel conned, I feel foolish.  How could I fall for this deception?  

[Wize]

"You're my best friend," "you saved my life," "I'll love you forever," "there will never be anyone but you," "you're the best man I've ever known," "you're always right," "I will follow you anywhere," "All I have is yours."

These are the words I fell in love with.  But these words were nothing but empty manipulations fashioned specifically to attach my life to hers.  

I feel conned, I feel foolish.  How could I fall for this deception?  

[steelwork]

Wize--I think it's good to review things and remember that words != actions, but please don't be so hard on yourself. You did not fall in love only with words. If a random stranger came up to you and said those things, you would not fall in love with her. The words may have been over-the-top and impossible to live up to, but I'm sure they were reinforced in a million little ways. A gesture, a caress, a glance, tears, smiles, she baked you a pie, she held you when you were sad. Life.

And you were vulnerable (we all were) through no fault of your own. So the question becomes: why do you think you were vulnerable?

Some vulnerability is just being human (we want to feel great about ourselves). When do you tip over into excess vulnerability? I don't know.

[Wize]

Some vulnerability is just being human (we want to feel great about ourselves). When do you tip over into excess vulnerability? I don't know.

Well, according to schema pschology, I'm the "lonely child."  So when I met my stbx wife I was desperately lonely, as is normal for me.  She could have been anyone,  I didn't care.  I just needed someone to cure my horrible loneliness and make me feel special and loved.  She did that in spades.  She said all the right things to make me love her but I knew there was a certain emptiness to her claims.  And that lack of substance behind the words is what brought our relationship to an end.  I left once I realized that all she has are her words... .and they mean nothing.

[steelwork]

I feel conned, I feel foolish.  How could I fall for this deception?  

You see, not conned. Not foolish.

It hurts, man. But try to respond to every self-criticism with self-compassion.

[steelwork]

Well, according to schema pschology, I'm the "lonely child."  So when I met my stbx wife I was desperately lonely, as is normal for me.  She could have been anyone,  I didn't care.  

Also, by the way, I still doubt she could have been anyone. Do you really think that, or is it just a figure of speech? There were genuine pathways of connection, I'm sure. Right?

[StayStrongNow]

Me too! I heard or read these exact words on cards. A few months after she filed for divorce I remember packing my stuff out of our rental house after she was gone and burning all those cards with that stuff written on it. All that forever crap. I also sat down and on my first take sang a song that repeated it wasn't my fault.

You are not alone the first stage of this type of Trojan Horse type of relationship gets you locked in and locked in good.

The therapist I was seeing then she barged in to see said only "she may have some Borderline / Disociative Disorder on her". So I did not go much further in educating myself. I tried 2 times reconciling then she beat on me number 2 then number 3 times, both times I tried to reconciled both times beat upon.

I still did not research BPD until she started boasting to the kids she is marrying a new guy (new rescuer from me) and keep in mind the divorce is not ended.

I then revisited what I just broad brushed BPD before... .and wow!
There are many sites that gave me more insight in addition to this one and then this one was found actually searching for a support group that actually met somewhere but found in all these places answers to ALL my questions and get more info with every visit.

I feel the same as you but try considering your highly valuable knowledge to enable you to actually heal yourself. It's all about you now, your life, your future, you now know what you did not know before. After you beat yourself up, I did and still do too, you may hear what I hear in my ear softly, "is this person what you want?"

I am not there quite yet but I am starting to feel compassion, I really am starting to feel sorry for a person with BPD. I am glad for one I do not have this disorder, it's so stealth like. I am so glad I am healing and that I am physically healthy and strong and trying for my emotional health StayStrongNow.

The next step after that is forgiveness, not for her, all for me finally!

[Icanteven]

... .I knew there was a certain emptiness to her claims.  And that lack of substance behind the words is what brought our relationship to an end.  I left once I realized that all she has are her words... .and they mean nothing.

Maybe now, but surely they meant something in the past?  It's incredibly difficult to square the words now with the lack of actions.  I should post my the last love note my wife wrote me; I'm not kidding when I say every single phrase from your first post is in said letter with the exception of "you're always right."  Yet, when I asked her to name the last time she had shown me she loved me she blanked.  I came to the rescue with an example, but it was frankly a very slight gesture on top of the fact that it had happened two months prior and neither of us could come up with another example.

OTOH, years ago she was the epitome of showing and expressing her love via words AND actions. 

Just not any more.  And, like you, my insistence that saying it wasn't enough led to our demise.

[pjstock42]

"You're my best friend," "you saved my life," "I'll love you forever," "there will never be anyone but you," "you're the best man I've ever known," "you're always right," "I will follow you anywhere," "All I have is yours."

These are the words I fell in love with.  But these words were nothing but empty manipulations fashioned specifically to attach my life to hers.  

I feel conned, I feel foolish.  How could I fall for this deception?  

Wize,

I feel literally exactly like this right now and all of those same words were said to me and made me feel so good about myself. The struggle of accepting that these things were real to us at one time but now we know that they were simply manipulations is incredibly difficult for my brain to digest. As steelwork said, I was vulnerable as I'm sure you were too. Part of what you and I thought to be healthy in a relationship was to expose our vulnerabilities and open up to our partner as we believed that they would protect us from them, so when the reality hits that this is as far from the truth as possible, the pain is immense and I really don't know how to work through it.

I don't know of your exact story but for me, all of those loving and reassuring statements were being made up until literally right when the discard happened out of nowhere, which made things even more difficult and confusing.

I made this analogy with me friend and he thought it made sense. Basically, this guy has been my best friend since I was 13 years old, I trust him with everything and vice-versa, we both know that neither of us would ever do anything to take advantage of the other person or in essence "screw them over". Metaphorically, I've given him a loaded gun pointed at my head and trusted him to not pull the trigger, and our friendship is so tight because we both know that he never would. With my ex, I did the same thing - I gave her that metaphorical gun pointed at my head and exposed all of my insecurities and vulnerabilities as the ammunition, then I trusted her to not pull the trigger. Obviously the difference here is that she did pull the trigger, and because I never had a plan in place to deal with what that would do to me, I feel completely lost right now and as if my life is in shambles.

Sorry if I'm rambling here but just know that I, along with others, understand the pain you're in. I feel very lucky to have found this place and it truly seems as though everyone is here for each other.

[Wize]

I always questioned my stbx wife's love.  I would think "you say you love me but I just don't see it."  I come from a very close, very loving family.  I know what love looks like and I simply didn't see it in her.  I barely saw it between she and her children.  So I always questioned it and I knew if I pinned her down and said "what does love mean to you" she would draw a blank.  I told her several times that love is not words, it's actions.  She never seemed to understand that statement.  I think she was only really concerned with saying or doing whatever she needed to to survive.  Survival techniques.  She was in survival mode with me... .especially when I got close.  

And now, she has new set of friends and shiny, new boyfriend.  She always has to find new people because once they get close, they need to be replaced.  What a horrible disorder.  It's unreal.

[Wize]

Wize,

I feel literally exactly like this right now and all of those same words were said to me and made me feel so good about myself. The struggle of accepting that these things were real to us at one time but now we know that they were simply manipulations is incredibly difficult for my brain to digest. As steelwork said, I was vulnerable as I'm sure you were too. Part of what you and I thought to be healthy in a relationship was to expose our vulnerabilities and open up to our partner as we believed that they would protect us from them, so when the reality hits that this is as far from the truth as possible, the pain is immense and I really don't know how to work through it.

I don't know of your exact story but for me, all of those loving and reassuring statements were being made up until literally right when the discard happened out of nowhere, which made things even more difficult and confusing.

I made this analogy with me friend and he thought it made sense. Basically, this guy has been my best friend since I was 13 years old, I trust him with everything and vice-versa, we both know that neither of us would ever do anything to take advantage of the other person or in essence "screw them over". Metaphorically, I've given him a loaded gun pointed at my head and trusted him to not pull the trigger, and our friendship is so tight because we both know that he never would. With my ex, I did the same thing - I gave her that metaphorical gun pointed at my head and exposed all of my insecurities and vulnerabilities as the ammunition, then I trusted her to not pull the trigger. Obviously the difference here is that she did pull the trigger, and because I never had a plan in place to deal with what that would do to me, I feel completely lost right now and as if my life is in shambles.

Sorry if I'm rambling here but just know that I, along with others, understand the pain you're in. I feel very lucky to have found this place and it truly seems as though everyone is here for each other.

Just my first impression but, I think you're giving your ex a bit too much credit.  Her treatment of your openness and vulnerable state was a result of her pathological/BPD behaviors and not really about her consciously trying to hurt you.  I don't think my ex is a mean person, I think she's a sick person. I don't think she's malicious, I think she's unwittingly abusive.  I think she's desperate, and desperate people act irrationally. But her mirroring and overwhelming praise was most certainly a potent drug for me.  I think it would be for anyone. 

[woundedPhoenix]

Well, according to schema pschology, I'm the "lonely child." 

Yes, and then you meet an abandonned child, which isn't just anyone, but a wounded child too with very similar wounds and needs.

So you connect up really fast in a relationship that looks like the healing experience you thought you waited for your whole life.

Little did you know that even by sharing similar wounds, your view of life is totally different.

You may have come into this relationship totally innocent and just looking to get rid of that lonelyness.

The abandonned child came into this relationship half convinced that you would abandon him/her,
went to great lengths to secure your love, and with the slightest sign of independance from your side,
that abandonment fear turned into vengeance... .Cause everybody in their life left or disappointed them, why wouldn't you.

[woundedPhoenix]

"You're my best friend," "you saved my life," "I'll love you forever," "there will never be anyone but you," "you're the best man I've ever known," "you're always right," "I will follow you anywhere," "All I have is yours."

These are the words I fell in love with.  But these words were nothing but empty manipulations fashioned specifically to attach my life to hers.  

I feel conned, I feel foolish.  How could I fall for this deception?  

I still hear her voice repeating those angel whisperings... .Some more : "You are the only one who truely gets me", "I wanna grow old with you", "I love you more then life itself", " you define me", "you are my everything".

Ofcourse this hardly matches with how the relationship unfolded and finally crashlanded, and the cruel rants and hatefull catch-phrases that came with that: "You destroyed my life", "You made me flirt with other guys", "I wish i have never met you", "I gave you everything yet you broke me down", "You are just as evil as all my previous men", "you are the reason I __Fill in random BPD behaviour__", "you are up to no good".

If for every nice thing she said to me there was most definately a cruel thing she said as well... .Why do i keep believing the nice ones where really her, and the bad things just the disease?

[Wize]

It's just so frustrating that she doesn't see it.  She's so intelligent.  She has a doctorate.  Why can't she see that new people aren't the answer?  Why can't she understand that building her current relationships is more sustainable than disposing of them and finding new ones?  Why can't she see that what she's doing is not going to lead her to happiness?  

My last conversation with her she said "I'm doing great.  I've got new friends, I've got a new committed relationship and I'm feeling better on my meds for anxiety." Doesn't she understand that this new circle of people in her life aren't more valuable than me and my family who welcomed her and loved her?  Why did she throw us away for these new people?  This is tearing me apart.

[woundedPhoenix]

It's just so frustrating that she doesn't see it.  She's so intelligent.  She has a doctorate.  Why can't she see that new people aren't the answer?  Why can't she understand that building her current relationships is more sustainable than disposing of them and finding new ones?  Why can't she see that what she's doing is not going to lead her to happiness? 

My last conversation with her she said "I'm doing great.  I've got new friends, I've got a new committed relationship and I'm feeling better on my meds for anxiety." Doesn't she understand that this new circle of people in her life aren't more valuable than me and my family who welcomed her and loved her?  Why did she throw us away for these new people?  This is tearing me apart.

I often pain myself with the same sort of logic. yet... .

The key is an attachement issue. People with BPD have huge abandonment fears, project and blame their inner most uncomfortable feelings and actions onto others... .
And they have a huge self hate. As a long term partner they will start to associate all those things with you. You are the trashcan where they dump all their negative emotions into and after a while you get smelly... .

It's the things within themselves they try to shed off by regularly trying to reinvent their persona and/or switch to a completely different circle of friends and partners.

They may be much less running from you then from themselves in a way... .