What was your breaking point?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We have come to the point where we feel we can tolerate no more of the whirlwind, and are realizing we do not need, or deserve to be, part of a rollercoaster bprelationship.  can i ask you, my friends, if it was a compilation of events that brought you to this crossroad?  Or was there a "final event" that brought you to the end of your "i will fix you" rope?   my final event was when my insurance company called to ask me about the facts of our burglarized garage, so they could pay out the $3500.00 to cover what was stolen.  you guessed it, we were never burglarized.  bphusband just thought it would be a great way to make some extra cash.    !  HELLO!  Jail is not the place i want to spend my summer.  that was on top of lies and disrespect and accusations.  it was all getting worse, as he could not keep his bp tendencies at bay.  at the end, he was not the man i fell in love with or married.  the man i married is the man i mourn for.  now that he has a replacement for me, there can be no more recycling.  otherwise i probably would have tried again to make it work... .   

[londons]

We have come to the point where we feel we can tolerate no more of the whirlwind, and are realizing we do not need, or deserve to be, part of a rollercoaster bprelationship.  can i ask you, my friends, if it was a compilation of events that brought you to this crossroad?  Or was there a "final event" that brought you to the end of your "i will fix you" rope?   my final event was when my insurance company called to ask me about the facts of our burglarized garage, so they could pay out the $3500.00 to cover what was stolen.  you guessed it, we were never burglarized.  bphusband just thought it would be a great way to make some extra cash.    !  HELLO!  Jail is not the place i want to spend my summer.  that was on top of lies and disrespect and accusations.  it was all getting worse, as he could not keep his bp tendencies at bay.  at the end, he was not the man i fell in love with or married.  the man i married is the man i mourn for.  now that he has a replacement for me, there can be no more recycling.  otherwise i probably would have tried again to make it work... .   

[JerryRG]

Hello londons

I cannot point to one event that brought me to the breaking point but I drew lines in the sand and backed away so many times I found myself alone in a desert of despair. Many times I welcomed death rather than put up with my exgf.

I just got out of an AA meeting and spoke to my main sponser, he's been away for a month. Told him about my exgf telling people I raped her, he said "so what, did you expect anything different?"

Then he said ":)o you now see how sick you were to be with her? You can either feel bad or just be extremely grateful you are out of that relationship"

I smiled as if touched by God, I could be in jail, prison, alone, or dead. Yes I'm grateful to be away from her.

Thank you for this post

[Makersmarksman]

Now that my children are old enough to understand that they are being lied to,  manipulated and abused.  That was  my breaking point.

[sweet tooth]

I never reached it. I desparately miss my ex who discarded me. I guess I'm just sick in the head... .

[Jazzy]

 At the insistence of my BPD ex ,I continued to remain friends with him for about 2 months after I got to know I had been replaced.It was very traumatic and painful, but I loved him deeply and was not ready to cut off from him completely.I wanted him in my life in any way possible.

The breaking point came when  I called to wish him for his birthday 2 months later .He said he was celebrating with my replacement and that I could only talk for 2 minutes. He abruptly hung up after a couple of minutes even though I was mid sentence.That hurt really bad.

It was at that point that I realized I did not want any kind of association with a person who not only  saw nothing wrong in cheating on me and discarding  me but who continued to humiliate and disrespect me as a "friend". Up till then I had been bearing all the name calling and raging,because somewhere in my heart I felt he would come back, but at that moment I realized he did not have any feelings for me at all. I have been NC since then. It is over 6 months and he has not called either. This has been the worst time in my life, but by distancing myself from him I can now clearly see the person for what he really is. The mask is  off.

[strongerthanU]

Hello londons,

I don't believe I have even posted in a year and the reason being a year ago I was at break point after 27 years of marriage and 4 children later. I reached out to this site and sought answers for what was realistic to expect or not. I wasn't quite ready for whatever reason to be completely done. I had such high hopes that we could conquer BPD/ptsd together. But here I am one year later now 28 years in with three grandchildren and in the midst of filing for divorce. I have been in some form of counseling or support for the better part of our marriage including one separation and going through codependency treatment. My h has never once agreed to participate willingly in caring for his own mental health or that of our marriage. He has simply wanted me to buck up and make things work. I decided at this new year that it wouldn't be like every other year, I was emotionally burned out and over being anxious over every special occasion and having lost all hope for a relaxed time in life. My h was becoming more and more sullen and angry even fatalistic, he is only 55 but acts like he's 90. The angry silences were getting more and more frequent until finally he was silent two to three weeks out of every month. And then presto wanting life to be sexy and fun and engaging after weeks of silence even moving out of our room for a week to ten days at a time. The last silence was in March, when he tried to move back into our room I simply let him know that I was done and would be filing for divorce, he seemed shocked and begged me for about a week to change my mind. I am heartsick and torn depending on the day but sticking to my resolve, I will not recycle again. He leased an apartment and I am helping him move his stuff in the upcoming weeks. Sorry for the length of my reply I agree with the others it is an individual thing as to how long we each try. I am a resilient type and very positive and upbeat, I am a Christian as well and took my vows with sincerity and faith that over time our relationship would heal. Trying to understand and relate to mental illness is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but in the end I can't lose my life and vitality over it. I wish you the best on your journey.

[sflearnignbpd]

It reached a point where she would no longer attempt to respect any boundaries.  She was making absolutely no effort to make anything better in our lives.  My life was falling apart.  I could not sleep and I would wake up hourly with nightmares.  She called the police to the house and we were about to lose our place to live.  I was broke and lost a lot of business from trying to keep her happy.  I was mentally destroyed and knew that the only option to get things back on track was to get her out of my life.

[londons]

hi friends, i hope it is ok if i type fast and do not proofread. my mind has so much to say and i dont want to interrupt it... .sorry in advance for spelling errors but i know that is not whats important!    MARKSMAN- wow i get about not wanting ur children to be affected. i alwyas thought you can hurt me but dont bring my kids into it... .thus, that wasmy breaking point as well ( i did not want to leave my 18 year old son motherless as i sat in jail for insurance fraud.  another poor decision by my ex.  good choice by us, marksman, albeit an extremely diffiucult one. 

[londons]

JERRY- sad and beautiful at the same time- lines in the sand leaving u in a desert of despair.  as far as the rape accusation, that must be a horrible feeling for u to endure, for u and all indifucuals who arefalsly accused of this terrible crime. i can tell u most people, or at least the people u care about, will know YOU as a person, know HER as a person, and know what to believe! actually, that accusation makes her looking like the one that needs help, not u. for those who know u, they will certainly say, no wonder he is no longer with her. yes, touched by God.

[londons]

SWEET TOOTH- i understand ur words. i dont think ur sick in the head. i believe ur bprobably a nurturing and caring person who sticks to a commitment and falls deeply in love. may we be blessed with someone who not only appreciates but reciprocates those charactersitics.                                 JAZZ- ouch. so powerful-" the mask is off".  ur story is pretty much me exacytly. i could so see myself in that situation. the reason i dont break my nc bounday is because i know what happened to u would happen to me (yet another rejection from my h) and i know that emotionally, i would have a breakdwon and end up in a hospital! again, it goes back to my 3 kids  althought they are older, and i need to be here for them, go 2 work to pay bills,  and i cant go to work if i am in the hospital!  so, nc for me. how do i maintain nc?  like this:  crying spell, vacuum. crying spell, dishes.   crying spell, sit ups.  crying spell, read.  crying spell, school work.  ugh! how many tears can one cry?

[sweet tooth]

SWEET TOOTH- i understand ur words. i dont think ur sick in the head. i believe ur bprobably a nurturing and caring person who sticks to a commitment and falls deeply in love. may we be blessed with someone who not only appreciates but reciprocates those charactersitics.                                  

I miss her so badly. I think about her constantly. I just wish she would communicate with me so we could attempt to work it out. I did EVERYTHING I could, within reason, to work on the relationship and understand her feelings. She won't meet me halfway. It hurts like hell.

[londons]

STRONGER- u are stronger tha him! u have endured what many of us have endured, times 10. u are my hero! that was a beautiful and heartfelt response. many of us will learn from it. please continue to be strong and continue to share.  we need you .                          SFLEARN- sounds like u were doing the work and not getting too much back in return. that is so tough to do. are things better ur life? how long nc? how are u sleeping?  how is business? i hope things are improving.  one day at a time, my friend.      well, the computer's spell check is screaming at me, but that is ok.  i have met new friends in the process.  happy sunday. lromeo

[sflearnignbpd]

SFLEARN- sounds like u were doing the work and not getting too much back in return. that is so tough to do. are things better ur life? how long nc? how are u sleeping?  how is business? i hope things are improving.  one day at a time, my friend.      well, the computer's spell check is screaming at me, but that is ok.  i have met new friends in the process.  happy sunday. lromeo

I was doing all of the work while she would run off, stay in hotels, do drugs, and hang out in bars.  

Things are much better.  I feel like myself again.  3.5 months NC.  I sleep great again.  Business is picking up.  The divorce will be final in July.  

I miss having someone in my life, but I don't miss the chaos.  Some days are better than others.    

Thank you for asking.

[londons]

dear SWEET TOOTH- i think about my ex constantly too, 4 months later and i dont see relief in the future.  it does hurt like hel-icopters. her meetin' you HALFWAY would be a dream come true, wouldnt it? problem is, im starting to believe there is no halfway for the bp, there is only THEIR WAY. and when we speak up for oursleves, they tell us to hit the HIGHWAY.   leaving us feeling like WE messed up. so hard to understand this illness, and harder yet to understand why the non bp reacts the way they (we) do.    we grew up knowing being treated like that, being bullied, is NOT ok. we teach our kids, our students, it is NOT ok to be treated with disrespect.  we focus on the GOLDEN RULE.  and yet, and yet, here we are... .   waiting for the phone to buzz so we can be bullied one more time.    as if the bullying will stop. short of a miracle, it probably will not my friends.    i do pray each night, and i say , "grant me this miracle, or, of not the miracle, the strength the desire the hope to move on.     and make the next guy really cute , but more importantly, allow him to love me for who i am, not for who he hopes to create".          love, lr

[londons]

SFLEARN- so glad to hear things are improving in your life! it gives me hope!  you must be a strong person.  oh yes, and that IS what gets us thru each day, isnt it? appreciating the LACK of chaos.     hang in there and keep up the good work.  time is our friend, and i am sure time will bring u a new one   sounds to me like u deserve good things.

[Fr4nz]

In my case it was my ex who made the break-up (after 1,5 years of relationship).

However, there was lots of drama and fighting involved during the r/s, and towards the final months of the relationship I had enough of her BS; I was so exhausted by the continuous creation of useless, illogical drama and fights that the relationship was going forward by inertia from my side - I really loved her but it was simply too much. Add to this that she recurs to binge drinking on a weekly basis - and when she gets drunk, she becomes really uncontrollable - and you have the complete picture.

So, if it wasn't for her probably I would have been the one to terminate the r/s. After the b/u, she even told me that she was happy to have had the upper-hand when she made the breakup.

[Sunfl0wer]

My ex's denial of reality put us all in danger.

SD 14 was having homicidal thoughts towards us and her behavior was that of someone toying with our safety for self serving reasons.  (I had proof of her google search history looking for ways to harm us, as well as a letter to mom clearly expressing such.)

Ex denied this as his little girl remained the golden child to him. (Her role in life was to provide narcissistic supply to her mom and dad)

I no longer felt safe in my own home with her, and because of his denial, that meant I also did not feel safe with him as he would lie and minimize to 'protect' her even if it brought risk to the rest of us. 

Once I put my foot down for visitations to occur elsewhere (even though her own therapist agreed) he came undone and I was blackest of blacks forever.

I am glad to be in my own home and not fear the food I put in my mouth or meds I take being tampered with.

[gotbushels]

Hello londons

I cannot point to one event that brought me to the breaking point but I drew lines in the sand and backed away so many times I found myself alone in a desert of despair. Many times I welcomed death rather than put up with my exgf.

I just got out of an AA meeting and spoke to my main sponser, he's been away for a month. Told him about my exgf telling people I raped her, he said "so what, did you expect anything different?"

Then he said ":)o you now see how sick you were to be with her? You can either feel bad or just be extremely grateful you are out of that relationship"

I smiled as if touched by God, I could be in jail, prison, alone, or dead. Yes I'm grateful to be away from her.

Thank you for this post

Thank you for this JerryRG. This is concise and effectively puts the focus where it is important.

[hergestridge]

1. Infidelity after 16 years marriage. I planned to kill myself, that is how devastated I was.

2. Worsening condition for my wife after this crisis, probably because of it. My wife became abusive towards our daughter.

3. A councelor considering to call social services after she got to know the situation with my wife's mental health. She feared for our daughter's well being.

It gradually dawned on me that I living under unacceptable conditions and that it wasn't going to get better. After the infidelity I stopped I also took a "no bullsh*t"-approach towards my wife which I suppose she saw as betrayal. I could take her aside and say "You are *not* behaving like that towards our daughter". I think it severely traumatized her and she often claimed she couldn't remember incidents like that. Perhaps she "zoned out", I don't know. Either way, I did what I had to do and the rs was of course beyond repair.

[londons]

hi hergestridge, i commend you for staying in your marriage for 16 years.  how badly that hurts to have our s/o turn their backs on us, and head toward someone else! you, like me, stopped the insanity when it started to affect the kid(s).  how old is your daughter?  how are things now?  do you stay in touch with your ex?  they say it gets better.  im still waiting for that day!  hang in there with me.  thanks for sharing.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

SFLEARN- sounds like u were doing the work and not getting too much back in return. that is so tough to do. are things better ur life? how long nc? how are u sleeping?  how is business? i hope things are improving.  one day at a time, my friend.      well, the computer's spell check is screaming at me, but that is ok.  i have met new friends in the process.  happy sunday. lromeo

I was doing all of the work while she would run off, stay in hotels, do drugs, and hang out in bars.  

Things are much better.  I feel like myself again.  3.5 months NC.  I sleep great again.  Business is picking up.  The divorce will be final in July.  

I miss having someone in my life, but I don't miss the chaos.  Some days are better than others.    

Thank you for asking.

This. I was not sleeping. I having hallucinations from the lack of sleep. I had big bags under my eyes. I did not eat from always being preoccupied when she was going to leave again. I felt really weak. I am a fairly big guy. I was 240 lbs when we met. I went down to 195 from the stress and not eating. I was basically a shell of myself. She had left me like 4-5 times. I didn't trust her at all. Mostly me not trusting her killed the relationship. I knew that If I didn't dump her I would end up sick in a hospital or dead.

[balletomane]

At the insistence of my BPD ex ,I continued to remain friends with him for about 2 months after I got to know I had been replaced.It was very traumatic and painful, but I loved him deeply and was not ready to cut off from him completely.I wanted him in my life in any way possible.

The breaking point came when  I called to wish him for his birthday 2 months later .He said he was celebrating with my replacement and that I could only talk for 2 minutes. He abruptly hung up after a couple of minutes even though I was mid sentence.That hurt really bad.

It was at that point that I realized I did not want any kind of association with a person who not only  saw nothing wrong in cheating on me and discarding  me but who continued to humiliate and disrespect me as a "friend". Up till then I had been bearing all the name calling and raging,because somewhere in my heart I felt he would come back, but at that moment I realized he did not have any feelings for me at all. I have been NC since then. It is over 6 months and he has not called either. This has been the worst time in my life, but by distancing myself from him I can now clearly see the person for what he really is. The mask is  off.

Your story is almost exactly the same as mine. I tried to maintain a friendship for six weeks after he discarded me and replaced me with his flatmate, because he insisted I was still his best friend. He never contacted me of his own accord, never had time to meet me once in all those six weeks, and replied in monosyllables or just with single emoticons whenever I did try to message or phone him. It dawned on me that when he said he wanted my friendship, what he meant was that he wanted me as a toy in his cupboard, a toy that would stay put until - if - it was wanted again. That's not a friendship. I was also struggling with my health at this time and he knew it. I spent two of those weeks unable to leave my house with my neighbours having to do my food shopping for me, feverish and weak with a virus that had no doubt been exacerbated by the stress of my PhD. I could barely walk to the toilet. If someone I called my best friend had been in that position, I would have visited, would have helped them out. Nothing. When I told him how miserable I was, I got "Why can't you just be happy for me?" and "You're responding to my happiness with depression. That's emotional extortion." This was when I realised that for him, the whole situation was about him. He couldn't see that I was depressed because of his behaviour - he thought that I must be depressed because he was happy, as though his feelings were the sun and centre of the universe. He not only wanted me not to show my hurt, he wanted me to believe that nothing hurtful had happened. That was when the final thread snapped. I no longer had any incentive to go on suppressing my feelings in order to fit in with his warped view of reality, not when the only repayment would be a one-word text message here and there. So I left. This was the one act of power I managed at that time - I don't think he ever believed that I would actually walk away. He sent me an e-mail blaming me for his lack of contact. I think he expected that in reply I would start pleading or begging. I always had in the past. This time I stayed silent. I haven't heard from him since.

[JQ]

London's, Group,   

@London & Group, my breaking point came with no one specific thing although I guess there was the straw the broke the back of the camel.  After a very exciting, erotic, drama filled, chaotic, stressed filled, boundary breaking, disrespecting, sleepless, crazy train roller coaster filled with flying monkey's relationship ... .      it finally came to end when we spent several days together on a business trip.  I knew she was still seeing at least bf#2, perhaps another or at least texting another when somehow we got on a topic that escapes me to this moment when she said, "It might be a good idea if you were tested for STD's" as we were packing to leave the hotel that day. She said it with a smile directly into my eyes ... .I tried to process that one for awhile. What does one say to that? How does one react to that? Even as a joke if it was intended as such it was a rather sick joke at that.   That was the point of no return for me. By themselves, each incident I was able to process, manage, move forward. But that one ... ."Elvis has let the building".  Went NC after that, best thing I ever did. well that, finding this place, a couple of therapist ... .now I'm back to living life to the fullest! Enjoying the small things like the sun coming up in the morning.  Enjoying just being ... .not in the thing ... .whatever you want to call it, stressed out, exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and I'm back to my normal self of ... .full of piss & vinegar as my friends have told me!

@strongerthanU, YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN DESTINED FOR SAINTHOOD!  If you believe in that.  27 WOW years with someone who is BPD in addition to 4 kids!   I'm standing up clapping give you a 5 minute standing O!  I lived with a BPD step mother for 15 years and can NOT imagine have a BPD s/o for almost 30 yrs. I had a BPDgf for 2 1/2 yrs,  I can NOT imagine trying to make it work for nearly 30 yrs.  You said, "  Trying to understand and relate to mental illness is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but in the end I can't lose my life and vitality over it."  I'm SOO glad that you are alive to tell your story to others so that you can pass on your learning lessons! 

hergestridge, I"m so glad you didn't do something to make things permanent. Me & the group      are fortunate to have you here with us!   

We are stronger then BPD the Cluster B mental illness. Never mind the the pwBPD is our life, they are beyond fixing at this point for any number of reasons. We need to move forward in our lives exploring & loving life!

@srongerhtanU & hergestridge, YOU two need to take a MUCH DESERVE & WELL EARNED VACATION!  Even if it's to your own backyard ... .get up early with a cup of coffee and watch the sun come up on your new day!  Drive a couple of hours to a hotel and check in for the weekend and have fun!  Mani Pedi, invite a friend for dinner, drinks, pool time!  Go to a comedy show! A movie ... .whatever the heck you want because you have earned it!

We're ALL going to get through this & be stronger wiser for our education !   

J

[GreenEyedMonster]

Oh, where do I start?

The breaking point was when my ex decided to take a vacation without me as "revenge" for having gone on a volunteering trip without him.  (I had a commitment prior to our relationship and could not have brought him along or canceled.)  His vacation included close sleeping quarters with other females he had hoped to date before he met me, long hikes on a lake together, etc.  He knew I really wanted to go to the place he was visiting but said that he "deserved" to go without me.

He was a very volatile person whose preferences and allegiances could change in a second.  I already knew that.  Spending a week with these people was exactly the kind of situation that might make him come back with an entirely different personality.

He became very passive-aggressive about calling me while on this trip and gave me some nice narc apologies like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," followed by his intentions to go on the same trip without me the following summer.

Yeah, that was enough.

[Suspicious1]

GEM, as is so often the case, your ex reminds me of mine. He didn't say "sorry if you feel that way" (although to be fair, I did use that line on him when he accused me of doing something I hadn't done); instead he would say "if you want to feel that way then go ahead" if I ever told him something he said had upset me. Or "well that's not the case, but if that's what you want to think then fine". Was a very easy way to shut down communication.

And, in the end, that was my breaking point - his shutting down of communication. My mother was terminally ill, and I tried to open up and speak to him about it (over messenger), but he wouldn't respond as was clearly talking to someone else (I suspect he was grooming a replacement, but even if he wasn't it was insensitive and disrespectful). When I said I was bothered by his non-communicativeness, he said "yes, we don't communicate much now. We get on better for it". I said ":)o we? That's terrible". He said "Why terrible? If that's how you want to see it that's your choice. We argue less when we don't communicate. Anyway, terrible timing but I'm going to bed now".

And that was it. I waited till the next day to see if he'd bring it up again and ask me how I was coping with the fact that my mother was so ill, but he just talked to me about Batman. I didn't speak to him again. I dropped his stuff of at his house a week later, having decided it wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted to have. This was after three previous recycles by him, all down to highly suspicious reasons that seemed to end with him meeting other women for dates.

[GreenEyedMonster]

GEM, as is so often the case, your ex reminds me of mine. He didn't say "sorry if you feel that way" (although to be fair, I did use that line on him when he accused me of doing something I hadn't done); instead he would say "if you want to feel that way then go ahead" if I ever told him something he said had upset me. Or "well that's not the case, but if that's what you want to think then fine". Was a very easy way to shut down communication.

And, in the end, that was my breaking point - his shutting down of communication. My mother was terminally ill, and I tried to open up and speak to him about it (over messenger), but he wouldn't respond as was clearly talking to someone else (I suspect he was grooming a replacement, but even if he wasn't it was insensitive and disrespectful). When I said I was bothered by his non-communicativeness, he said "yes, we don't communicate much now. We get on better for it". I said ":)o we? That's terrible". He said "Why terrible? If that's how you want to see it that's your choice. We argue less when we don't communicate. Anyway, terrible timing but I'm going to bed now".

And that was it. I waited till the next day to see if he'd bring it up again and ask me how I was coping with the fact that my mother was so ill, but he just talked to me about Batman. I didn't speak to him again. I dropped his stuff of at his house a week later, having decided it wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted to have. This was after three previous recycles by him, all down to highly suspicious reasons that seemed to end with him meeting other women for dates.

Yeah.  My ex didn't like it when I'd ask him personal questions or try to get to know him.  In hindsight it seems like a very superficial relationship.  The "activities" we did together were fun and there was a chemical high that went along with that, but there was no substance beneath it.  I strongly suspect that some of the girls he met on this trip were potential replacements in his mind, even though none of them panned out that way.  Many people on this board talk about pwBPD's friendship allegiances changing quickly, and that was certainly the case with my ex.  He tended toward friends who shared his musical tastes and interests, which I didn't.  That always set me on edge because I knew that I could seem irrelevant in a matter of seconds.

[Yaryar87]

Getting out of a relationship does feel like a death of someone you loved.  It takes times, give yourself time and focus on yourself.  Sometimes it's easier to focus on your ex but also tale time to feel the pain and chaos that the relationship gave you so you can heal.  Maybe you're still holding on to hope thinking she will change.  Sadly the patterns will always play out over and over again

[hergestridge]

hi hergestridge, i commend you for staying in your marriage for 16 years.  how badly that hurts to have our s/o turn their backs on us, and head toward someone else! you, like me, stopped the insanity when it started to affect the kid(s).  how old is your daughter?  how are things now?  do you stay in touch with your ex?  they say it gets better.  im still waiting for that day!  hang in there with me.  thanks for sharing.

Thanks! My daughter is six now. I have very little contact with my ex except for when I leave my daughter at her place (we have shared custody). She does not give me a hard time at all. There is a respectful silence between us but I don't get to know how my ex mental health is developing. I know she lets friends and relatives help out a lot in caring for out daughter.

I guess I could be more involved, but after the ordeal that was our marriage I just want as little as possible to do with her. Sad but true.