It would be so much easier if I could hate him

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had an exhausting weekend, but it wasn't too bad.  I am a waitress and I work as many hours as I can Saturday and Sunday.  It was Mother's Day so I made a lot of money, which I need badly!

I help run a Children's Museum in a small town and we had our annual festival Saturday morning.  uBPD showed up and stayed the whole time with our baby.  She adores him.  My other children wouldn't go near him.  He was OK with me.  He talked to me a few times and made me sad.  I love him and feel so bad for his pain.  He said he needs someone to talk to.  I could tell he cannot accept what he has done.  He said he couldn't believe the lies I made up in the custody papers!  (I only submitted evidence - photos, recordings, emails, my journal, etc. - to my lawyer).  He told me he went through a batterers program only because he was using it to work one of the steps in AA, not because he battered anyone.  He accused me of having battered woman's syndrome (gotta look that one up!).  Why does it just make me sad?  The children and I were the ones battered!  I should be angry!

I guess it really boils down to an addiction.  And the crazy hope that the wonderful man he was is real.  I feel like I will never get over this.  If I could move far away with no contact, maybe.  But having to interact with him often is just too much.  I feel so sorry for him and so want to help him to be happy, in spite of the fact that he makes my life hell!  I guess that is the caretaker in me.  That makes me a good waitress    And mother to all my children and the motherless.  I got so many calls and messages on Mother's Day from my own and many other children who consider me their mom.  There are so many hurting people out there it can be overwhelming.

I guess I am just rambling!  Do not worry, I will not go back!  I will be strong and do this.  I just wish it were a tiny bit easier  :'(  Thank you all for being here and my wish is that we all have healing and closure someday.

[LilMe]

I had an exhausting weekend, but it wasn't too bad.  I am a waitress and I work as many hours as I can Saturday and Sunday.  It was Mother's Day so I made a lot of money, which I need badly!

I help run a Children's Museum in a small town and we had our annual festival Saturday morning.  uBPD showed up and stayed the whole time with our baby.  She adores him.  My other children wouldn't go near him.  He was OK with me.  He talked to me a few times and made me sad.  I love him and feel so bad for his pain.  He said he needs someone to talk to.  I could tell he cannot accept what he has done.  He said he couldn't believe the lies I made up in the custody papers!  (I only submitted evidence - photos, recordings, emails, my journal, etc. - to my lawyer).  He told me he went through a batterers program only because he was using it to work one of the steps in AA, not because he battered anyone.  He accused me of having battered woman's syndrome (gotta look that one up!).  Why does it just make me sad?  The children and I were the ones battered!  I should be angry!

I guess it really boils down to an addiction.  And the crazy hope that the wonderful man he was is real.  I feel like I will never get over this.  If I could move far away with no contact, maybe.  But having to interact with him often is just too much.  I feel so sorry for him and so want to help him to be happy, in spite of the fact that he makes my life hell!  I guess that is the caretaker in me.  That makes me a good waitress    And mother to all my children and the motherless.  I got so many calls and messages on Mother's Day from my own and many other children who consider me their mom.  There are so many hurting people out there it can be overwhelming.

I guess I am just rambling!  Do not worry, I will not go back!  I will be strong and do this.  I just wish it were a tiny bit easier  :'(  Thank you all for being here and my wish is that we all have healing and closure someday.

[Ahoy]

I had an exhausting weekend, but it wasn't too bad.  I am a waitress and I work as many hours as I can Saturday and Sunday.  It was Mother's Day so I made a lot of money, which I need badly!

I help run a Children's Museum in a small town and we had our annual festival Saturday morning.  uBPD showed up and stayed the whole time with our baby.  She adores him.  My other children wouldn't go near him.  He was OK with me.  He talked to me a few times and made me sad.  I love him and feel so bad for his pain.  He said he needs someone to talk to.  I could tell he cannot accept what he has done.  He said he couldn't believe the lies I made up in the custody papers!  (I only submitted evidence - photos, recordings, emails, my journal, etc. - to my lawyer).  He told me he went through a batterers program only because he was using it to work one of the steps in AA, not because he battered anyone.  He accused me of having battered woman's syndrome (gotta look that one up!).  Why does it just make me sad?  The children and I were the ones battered!  I should be angry!

I guess it really boils down to an addiction.  And the crazy hope that the wonderful man he was is real.  I feel like I will never get over this.  If I could move far away with no contact, maybe.  But having to interact with him often is just too much.  I feel so sorry for him and so want to help him to be happy, in spite of the fact that he makes my life hell!  I guess that is the caretaker in me.  That makes me a good waitress    And mother to all my children and the motherless.  I got so many calls and messages on Mother's Day from my own and many other children who consider me their mom.  There are so many hurting people out there it can be overwhelming.

I guess I am just rambling!  Do not worry, I will not go back!  I will be strong and do this.  I just wish it were a tiny bit easier  :'(  Thank you all for being here and my wish is that we all have healing and closure someday.

I had to break 2 weeks of NC tonight to discuss divorce stuff. Her grandmother died. I kept my reply to that neutral but sympathetic and thanked her for the reply.

Now my wife cheated twice (that I know of) lies the entire way through our relationship and is an MVP manipulator... .but for the next 2 hours if I wasn't struggling thinking exactly what I just highlighted in your post!

Thank god for the knowledge here that i could remind myself there is no amazing woman behind this person, it's all smoke and mirrors!

I felt physically sick after my contact, like I had ingested poison. I'm so very thankful we don't have children, my heart goes out to you mate 

[C.Stein]

Thank god for the knowledge here that i could remind myself there is no amazing woman behind this person, it's all smoke and mirrors!

My ex IS an amazing person when the disorder is not controller her.  It is OK to recognize this, albeit incredibly difficult when we are here, hurt and broken.  

The biggest problem I have and I suspect others have as well is integrating the wonderful person and the disordered person into a single entity.   No matter how much we want to separate the two we cannot and it is this acceptance, this reintegration into a whole person is what I believe to be one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome in the healing process.

[Daisy23]

How do we integrate the "wonderful" parts with all the other parts of our BPD partners? Is there any info to help us do this? I struggle with this every day and I feel crazy sometimes.

I guess this is really a separate thread so I'll repost it as such. Just realized it's something most of us are dealing with.

[C.Stein]

How do we integrate the "wonderful" parts with all the other parts of our BPD partners? Is there any info to help us do this? I struggle with this every day and I feel crazy sometimes.

I guess this is really a separate thread so I'll repost it as such. Just realized it's something most of us are dealing with.

This was my first attempt to understand it all. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285967.0;all

I am much closer now to acceptance and reintegration, but I do still struggle with this.  I think I would say I am more at the resignation stage at this time.

[rfriesen]

I agree that integrating the good and the bad is the most difficult part of moving on. I find it especially hard because it's always mattered a lot to me to leave relationships on a positive note, feeling like we brought happiness to one another and, even if things didn't work out forever, we're happy for all the good times we've shared. That's how I've tried to leave every relationship I've been in, even if it meant some painful conversations and airing some of the disappointment and hurt that may have led to the break-up. With every other gf I've had, this approach eventually led to a positive ending and sharing our happiest memories and then moving on, sometimes staying friends, other times just drifting out of each other's lives.

But that all requires being able to integrate the good and the bad, accept it for what it was and wasn't, then move forward. My exBPDgf has been so hard for me to understand. Such a loving, sweet, kind, passionate person ... .who turned out to have a shocking temper, to lie, manipulate, cheat, and want to hurt me when she was angry and hurt herself. I still really struggle to put those pieces together and to accept that they're entwined aspects of the same person. And it's left me so confused about my own tendencies and what I was looking for in the relationship by the end. I knew I wanted out and to recover my independence and sense of self apart from my ex, yet I held on like crazy, maybe just hoping to rediscover that loving person so we could say goodbye on a positive note and acknowledge that we hurt each other but want the best for each other ... .I still don't really know what I was holding on for. All that to say, though, that I agree the hardest part of moving on is being able to bring the good and the bad together and accept that my ex was neither my one true soul mate nor the most evil person I've met, but a complex person suffering from deep pain and fears and who struggled with being a whole self.

But like C. Stein, I recognise that my ex was an amazing person when she was loving and kind and fun and passionate. She really is all those things. But she can be cruel and manipulative and hurtful too. Very very hard to accept that I can't untangle the two and make things work. Just the way it is though.