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[manhatslim]

Hello-

My daughter,25 years,  a gifted musician/songwriter showed some BPD signs in her late teens-  after a scary episode of self harm (cutting), hair shaving, school (music conservatory) moving out w boyfriend, moving back in,

phobias, rages, accusatiions, impulsive stealing from us (forged personal checks) , odd hours- sleeping all day, up all night, a few attempts at treatment- including meds... well, my wife and I are just really TIRED!

She's gone cold turkey from antidepressants a couple of times... sometimes resulting in bouts of insomnia.  Lately she's given up music work ... .took an excessive dose of seroquel, impulsively- thinking more (375mg) will help her sleep.  She recognizes there is a problem.  We started seeing a family therapist, but she couldn't handle it- and disintegrated during the therapy.  'Went to three and she never returned.  my wife and I are continuing- as we need some support in coping. 

We think DBT might help, but its a real commitment, which she's not prepared to do...

She can yell at us- at the drop of a hat... irresponsible with money (she's gotten some work as a musician/singer) disorganized ...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi

It's all just so exhausting isn't it. My son is also 25 and our life hasn't turned out as we thought. He has left home three times and I swore I wouldn't have him back. He was finally diagnosed last sept in the USA (we live in the UK) and we felt we had no choice but to have him back home.

Our BPDs25 internalises and doesn't rage, so this makes it difficult to guess what's going on emotionally with him. We've had self harming, drugs, stealing, lies, no job, no rent,the list goes on.  With countless nights of pacing the floors in shear desperation, rage or grief it certainly takes its toll. I found my H has been strong and carried us through when I just couldn't cope and vice verse. We are now at different stages. I'm working hard at developing myself; reading the information on the web site (top right hand list), practising new skills, improving our relationship with better communication. I have a more realistic view on expectations and better understand my son's limitations. My H is currently lost in that he feels he's failed as a parent and isn't actively trying to change. He resents our adult son still living at home and Also that our support is still needed; he's very fearful of the future. Having said that, as I demonstrate new behaviours I see all my family also alter their approach. Things are slowly improving and this would not have happened without this forum and the support from others.

It's great that you've got a support mechanism in place for yourself and wife. You will both surely benefit from it and you can work together. Until now, I've been lucky as we've stood shoulder to shoulder, recently things have been tricky but I see it all part of a process. I'm learning how to be the parent my BPDs25 needs. Being an adult makes this a lot easier in some ways as it's very clear how and what an adult should be responsible for. I see others on this forum with teenagers and I remember how complicated it can get and also very scary with their impetuous choices. At 25, our BPDs is a man and responsible for himself (sounds good doesn't it?) - if only he'd actually take full responsibility! We will eventually get there, it might just take longer than "normal" families.

Our BPDs25 isn't seeking treatment and uses weed to self medicate. Is your daughter living at home with you currently?

L

[manhatslim]

Thanks so much for sharing this.  It sounds like you and your husband are coping with the situation.

For us it's an ongoing thing.  Some weeks, days are more difficult than others.  We don't always know when a "crisis" will emerge.  If she spends long hours in her room, in bed, or especially uncommunicative,- I usually suspect some sort of misery is going to happen.  And, yes, she lives with us. ' Borrows from us for needed instrument repairs and other expenses- often work related. To her credit she's busy, performs, and has made a small effort at some restitution ($)  .

Yes, she lives with us now.  'Moved to Brooklyn a few years ago with another boyfriend.  I pleaded with her to move back in with us after some violent crimes on her block.  She travels the New York City subways at all hours of the night-

She can be easy to be with and appropriate- even fun - especially when some of her music friends are around.

Then irritable, quarrelsome... .false accusations when it's just us (parents)

Sunday is Mothers Day - ( not sure if there's such a "holiday" in the UK) We'll probably spend some time together. Maybe dinner?  family events with the three of us can quickly turn into a litany of complaints about some real or imagined slight, problem, bandmate...

we're working on it...

[Lollypop]

We are calm and stable. I work hard on validating and getting it right. I don't sound wooden anymore and when I'm unsure on what exactly to say I've learnt to hold my tongue. I can always do a "do over" the following day. This has transformed our family life. We sat down as a small family in February for my m-in-laws 84th birthday and for the first time EVER it went just naturally, genuine sharing and laughs. Things very slowly improve. My hardest challenge is my H who finds it difficult but I've seen him use validation skills with others. Amazing because he's learnt by watching or listening to me. I'm more confident in addressing my BPDs over small irritations that would have once upon a time become issues.

As well as the information on this site, I've read "I don't have to make everything all better" which really helped me. I'm currently reading the road less travelled which is just brilliant.

I accept that my BPDs may never take the decision to seek treatment. I'm trying to find a way that he can live successfully independently. Baby steps seems to be working for us. It's not only about going at the right pace for BPDs but more about the right pace for me to learn. I got a bit overwhelmed as there's just so much and decided to focus on key areas. Improving communication across the four of us is my key goal at the moment.

Have a great Mothering Sunday. I've found it to be a challenging day some times! Hope yours is a very good one. We celebrate it earlier in the year in the uk, this year was good.

[manhatslim]

We are learning about validation.  It's ongoing thing that requires practice.  My wife and I are starting to get the swing of it.  In addition, I'm meditating and mindfulness helps me know when to let things go... and not get swept away by events or difficulties that may arise. It's akin to surfing a wave when the seas get too rough around here. 

Our d's moods and reactions to anything - (her shrieking at a timer going off on our oven yesterday) can be startling. She was particularly testy w us - snapping and yelling

We were talking a minute ago ( W and I) about how we first reacted to some of the more nutty things our daughter did- how we both overreacted and inflamed the situations.  When I learned about BPD, it was a learning curve-

I occasionally send my daughter a small bit of info re BPD, coping, - she's occasionally receptive, but not to the point of seeking help... .yet.

Since the episode with the meds, I'm Nurse Crotchet around here{character from "One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest"- doling out the meds. We can keep a sense of humor here... most of the time.