Bye bye to the TV outside my bedroom door.. :)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, as predicted, the preposterousness (is that even a word) of her positions and actions got shut down hard by the Biblical Counselor yesterday.

Her choice to go down this route.  I can't imagine she didn't know this was coming, but with distorted thinking, who knows.


In no particular order. 

On Sunday night she walked away from our meeting without explanation.  I asked her what was up, no response.

I sent email to her (cc'd counselor) asking what happened, if I had offended her, etc etc.  No response.


Well he asked her if she had clarified why she did that and she was reluctant to speak, JADEd a bunch about why not.  So counselor moved on to why did you walk away?  She said it was 10pm and after 10pm she is not supposed to speak to anyone but God (counselors rules from a sleep incident earlier in week where she woke me up at 1am, I ran off road next day).   

He the suggested she did that with spite and resentment in her heart and that she was behaving like a pharisee and trying to follow a rule, while ignoring her command to love her husband.

Wife laughed uncomfortably.  Yeah, I guess I did that she said.  He asked if she had made her sin right with God and her husband and she said she had asked God for forgiveness.   He asked about me and she said no.  Long, uncomfortable silence.

He moved on to a couple other incidents during the week where she "did her thing" (for sake of keeping the post short).  Laughing about my sleep issues, over-talking me, and the rest of her blather.

She again confirmed she hadn't asked my forgiveness.  Again, long silence.

He turns to me and asked about some of my stuff that I had put in my homework.  We discussed how I was wrong, was convicted, and sought forgiveness from my wife.

He asked my wife if my version was correct.  She said yes.  He asked what I said to her to ask forgiveness.  She pretty much got it right.  He confirmed again that she had not asked me.  Long pause.

During all of this, I was trying really hard to not grin.  Honestly, towards the end, her comfortableness was making me uncomfortable too.  He said she was going to have to deal with this and then moved on.

Now came time to discuss my sleep and the TV.  He asked her what she has been doing up at night.  A lot of it sounds good and normal.  I get it she is a night owl and wants time to herself.  He asked her if time to herself was more important than loving her husband.  Again, uncomfortable laughter and she said yes.

He asked me what the issue was with the TV and I said that the plan was altered.  Plan was noise in basement far away from bedroom.  He asked why TV wasn't down there and I said that money was spent to install one outside my door.  He asked why that TV wasn't moved downstairs, and I simply said "She said no."

He chastised me a bit for this, said it was a bit blaming and that "we were not of one flesh on it" was a better way to say it.  Then quickly pivoted to her.

Is there any reason the TV can't go to the basement?  Does basement work for you?  Can you call people in the basement and more questions like this.  She agreed it would all be good and ok. 

He leans back and says, so, can this be solved?  I gave a thumbs up and said I was good with the move.  She was very reluctant, but said it worked for her.

The first item on his homework assignment was to get the TV moved.

Second item was for her to confess her sin regarding walking out of meetings and speaking the way she spoke to me.

I would say that 70% of the time was spent on her, probably more. 

We went out to dinner on the way home.  She was very uncomfortable, muttering to herself.  I prayed for our food and as I started to take a bite, she said

"Hey, before you get into that.  I want to say I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you and walking out on you.  Will you forgive me." 

To me, it seemed like she was tasting vinegar as she said it.  Of course I forgave her, told her how much I appreciated it.

She did seem somewhat more relaxed through the evening.

I see the psychologist today. 

Several have expressed concern about how an "untreated" paranoid person will react to all of this.  I am concerned as well.  Will focus on what I can look for and best reactions I can have.

FF

[formflier]

So, as predicted, the preposterousness (is that even a word) of her positions and actions got shut down hard by the Biblical Counselor yesterday.

Her choice to go down this route.  I can't imagine she didn't know this was coming, but with distorted thinking, who knows.


In no particular order. 

On Sunday night she walked away from our meeting without explanation.  I asked her what was up, no response.

I sent email to her (cc'd counselor) asking what happened, if I had offended her, etc etc.  No response.


Well he asked her if she had clarified why she did that and she was reluctant to speak, JADEd a bunch about why not.  So counselor moved on to why did you walk away?  She said it was 10pm and after 10pm she is not supposed to speak to anyone but God (counselors rules from a sleep incident earlier in week where she woke me up at 1am, I ran off road next day).   

He the suggested she did that with spite and resentment in her heart and that she was behaving like a pharisee and trying to follow a rule, while ignoring her command to love her husband.

Wife laughed uncomfortably.  Yeah, I guess I did that she said.  He asked if she had made her sin right with God and her husband and she said she had asked God for forgiveness.   He asked about me and she said no.  Long, uncomfortable silence.

He moved on to a couple other incidents during the week where she "did her thing" (for sake of keeping the post short).  Laughing about my sleep issues, over-talking me, and the rest of her blather.

She again confirmed she hadn't asked my forgiveness.  Again, long silence.

He turns to me and asked about some of my stuff that I had put in my homework.  We discussed how I was wrong, was convicted, and sought forgiveness from my wife.

He asked my wife if my version was correct.  She said yes.  He asked what I said to her to ask forgiveness.  She pretty much got it right.  He confirmed again that she had not asked me.  Long pause.

During all of this, I was trying really hard to not grin.  Honestly, towards the end, her comfortableness was making me uncomfortable too.  He said she was going to have to deal with this and then moved on.

Now came time to discuss my sleep and the TV.  He asked her what she has been doing up at night.  A lot of it sounds good and normal.  I get it she is a night owl and wants time to herself.  He asked her if time to herself was more important than loving her husband.  Again, uncomfortable laughter and she said yes.

He asked me what the issue was with the TV and I said that the plan was altered.  Plan was noise in basement far away from bedroom.  He asked why TV wasn't down there and I said that money was spent to install one outside my door.  He asked why that TV wasn't moved downstairs, and I simply said "She said no."

He chastised me a bit for this, said it was a bit blaming and that "we were not of one flesh on it" was a better way to say it.  Then quickly pivoted to her.

Is there any reason the TV can't go to the basement?  Does basement work for you?  Can you call people in the basement and more questions like this.  She agreed it would all be good and ok. 

He leans back and says, so, can this be solved?  I gave a thumbs up and said I was good with the move.  She was very reluctant, but said it worked for her.

The first item on his homework assignment was to get the TV moved.

Second item was for her to confess her sin regarding walking out of meetings and speaking the way she spoke to me.

I would say that 70% of the time was spent on her, probably more. 

We went out to dinner on the way home.  She was very uncomfortable, muttering to herself.  I prayed for our food and as I started to take a bite, she said

"Hey, before you get into that.  I want to say I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you and walking out on you.  Will you forgive me." 

To me, it seemed like she was tasting vinegar as she said it.  Of course I forgave her, told her how much I appreciated it.

She did seem somewhat more relaxed through the evening.

I see the psychologist today. 

Several have expressed concern about how an "untreated" paranoid person will react to all of this.  I am concerned as well.  Will focus on what I can look for and best reactions I can have.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

  Good job trying to keep from grinning.

Reminded of the joke about how a guy is supposed to apologize to his wife if he is right. 

Dunno what to suggest you do differently here. (Hope your T will have good ideas!)

Her being confronted by this stuff with no place to run is clearly hard on her.

Letting her bring these things up and letting her face her own consequences with the BMC seems right--Anything else would be enabling, and not help.

I'm glad you can be generous and gracious with forgiveness. That at least makes things easier on her.

[formflier]

 

There are only a few times in my marriage where she has said she was wrong, apologized and asked forgiveness.

Her sister, NEVER.

Her mom, Never.

Not exaggerating on the never.

I will try to focus on positive. 

She slept (not sex but actually got in the bed with me last night).  I made a gentle offer (expressed interest) in sex and was easy on the turn down.  This morning she was interesting in cuddling, but nothing else.   

My guess is that there is a lot going on in her head and heart.  Trying to give her space when needed and be supportive when needed.

FF

[Fian]

It has been a couple of days since the meeting with the therapist.  Was the TV moved and how is your wife handling it?

[formflier]

So, update on this issue.

The TV remains, but has not been used. 

Some cabling was tested downstairs so that all you have to do is hook up a laptop and then run the projector (installed in the ceiling) to watch a show.   We still need to get some sort of receiver and speakers to have the true theater experience.

Really, the downstairs has not be used either.

She sent an email to the counselor where she said that she was going to convert her tv watching time into time in God's word and focus on what she needs to change.  Near as I can tell, she has been doing pretty much that.

Back to TV.  There is really no place for it down there other than the floor.  With small children, that's not a good idea.

Now, if it was totally up to me I would get rid of TV and entertainment center upstairs and go to a living room that is focused on people talking and having a relationship, than staring at the TV.

History:  We were discussing how to set up the upstairs when she pulled the trigger on buying entertainment center.  First I knew of it was when it showed up.  She claims she sent a text saying she would buy it unless I responded via text.  I can't find that text. 

Anyway, I can see one of the setups the counselor is going towards is identifying areas where we are  "not one flesh", (don't agree on an issue) and then trying to find compromise.

In my view there is still more to do here.  To me, compromise looks like:  She has one rood dedicated to TV and I have a room dedicated to conversation and fellowship (with no TV).  Right now there are two rooms dedicated to TV and no rooms dedicated to conversation.

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

I am a bit confused.  The homework was to move TV.  I got the impression that BMC held you both responsible for moving it?

It sounds like while you are now actually getting sleep and not being disturbed that she has used that as a reason to not need to move the TV.  However, you would appreciate TV still moved.

During BMC was the understanding of BMC that there were several reasons to move TV or was this simply a solution related only to your sleep issue?

Also, who does BMC assume is responsible for ensuring moving TV?

I still see no reason it hasn't been moved, as BMC stated, except ffw trying to not give herself over to BMC direction completely.

Are you expected to address this in a evening meeting with wife to show you tried?

[GaGrl]

So... .in 3-4 months or whenever she deems the MC done, suddenly one night the tv is on at 11 pm and she still has her entertainment center... .

What then?

If the sleep issue was really the heart of the matter, perhaps this is OK.

If the communication issues that led to the living room/tv/sleep issues were the core issue, that might need to be back on the table for further work.

[formflier]

The point of this exercise/homework was to provide a solution so TV (video) could be watched in the basement, as was the original plan.

I've not dropped the issue of the way the upstairs living room (main level) is set up.  We have identified that "we are not of one flesh" about that. 

This also got rid of the arguments about is the living room TV too loud or bothering me, since there is no reason to turn it on after 10pm.  You can go to the media room in basement.

Kinda weird how battles get picked.  She claimed and claimed that I was not bothered by the noise, that I just wanted to control her.

In session I was asked if I cared if she watched TV in the basement or stayed awake and did other things in stead of coming to bed with me at 10pm.

Won't try to quote my response, but I indicated that my desire was that we went to be together, but I realize she is a night owl and that I would respect her choice to stay awake.  I asked her to respect my need to get restful, uninterrupted sleep.

Since then, I don't think she has watched TV after 10pm and mostly comes to bed with me.


Back to original point of post.  The rest we agreed to move TV was we knew it was a guaranteed solution.  Plug and play.  As configured now, it would have to sit on floor in basement. 

Hope this helps.

FF