Feeling freer

[Zon]

For those that have recovered, how did you feel as you were becoming stronger within?

I ask this question because for the last week I have been acting different, for me.  It is almost like I reached some tipping point within myself.  I have pushed back instinctively when my wife has tried to push blame on me.  I did not feel guilty for various things that I would normally have been self-absorbed with.  Yes, I was wrong for a few things, but they are truly minor.  She may have wanted me to feel really bad about them, but too bad for her.

One thought that hit me was that I have taken the blame for many, many more things than I needed over the years to the point that I can do wrongs and have already paid my debt, with interest.    For some reason, I have eaten enough Fear and Guilt to have developed a distaste for them.

My T was pleased that I pushed back with my wife.  I was pleased that I did it without thought.  I am feeling a bit giddy about it too.

I feel more free.  In fact, I have not felt this free since before I met my wife.  Maybe the first time at this point?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Zon, Like what you're saying.  I'm sure you have taken more than your share of the blame.  I did.  Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which are the tools a pwBPD uses to manipulate a Non.  Once you notice the pattern, it starts to lose its power over you, as you are finding out.  Keep up the good work!  LJ

[Zon]

Thank you, Lucky Jim.  I bet you did receive your fair share of blame too.  Beware?  Oh yeah!  I watch out for it.  Fear and Guilt are my primary weaknesses.  Obligation is something I have always truly disliked, even before I met her, so I focus on the other two.  Still, I watch out for Obligation.

Until now, I have typically noticed the pattern long *AFTER* the encounter.  I am happy that I am finally pushing back *DURING* them.  I am sure I will slip, but I am pleased with forward progress which seems to be coming faster now. 

Did it feel that way to you too where you felt you had finally reached the point where it would become easier to improve yourself?  "I think I can" finally became "I thought I could".

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, I received plenty of blame!  Sad thing is, I thought I deserved it.  My BPDxW had convinced me that I was the cause of our problems, which did a number on my self-esteem.

Yes, it was guerrilla warfare and I slowly learned to take back the lost ground.  At the outset of my marriage, I happily gave up an inch here and an inch there, until finally it dawned on me one day that I had given up a mile, whereas my BPDxW had conceded nothing.

Agree, once you make progress you gain confidence, which leads to more progress.  Keep it up, Zon!

LuckyJim