I'm being recycled

[josephrl82]

So my ex BPDgf called me out of the blue the other day and read a script she had written about not contacting her.  when I replied with just a simple "ok" she broke down and said that she didn't mean any of it.  We talked for about 30 minutes before she demanded that I meet her half way between our home towns and get a hotel.  I foolishly agreed to her demands.

We ended up having the greatest night ever!  Now she wants to move back to my home town and try to make it work again.  If you have read any of my previous posts you will know that she has been extremely physically and emotionally abusive toward me.  She is also pregnant with my child (assuming it is mine.  We have split up and got back together so many times I have lost count.

Do I let this recycle happen knowing the predetermined outcome so I can get my fix of her again?  Or do I stand strong and let go of my fear of losing her for good?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Passive voice here, or active voice? 

Does your fear of losing her keep you from accepting your active role in a recycle?

[livednlearned]

Hi josephrhl82,

It sounds like you two have a history of on again/off again.

do I stand strong and let go of my fear of losing her for good?

Standing strong is actually imperative in order for this relationship to make it. Standing strong means being able to assert your boundaries consistently. Learning to validate and use SET (support, empathy, truth) and other communication skills helps mitigate the conflict, and boundaries are there to make sure you are safe.  

Boundaries might mean you have a safety plan when she becomes physically abusive. You might remove yourself when she becomes physically violent. You might call the police. Being consistent means that you follow through with consequences so she can learn from them. If you don't follow through, she pushes the boundaries more, and never discovers limits. A lot of BPD people want someone strong to help them with this weakness.

Turkish asked a good question. I would add the question: what are you going to do different knowing that she is likely going to be the same?

[josephrl82]

That is a very good question!  I keep going over in my head how I can prevent being accused and abused again!  I can't come up with a good answer!  I feel like I have tried everything!  I begged and pleaded at first, but it didn't seem to do me any good.  Then I started to assert myself and that seemed to make it worse!  It was almost as if she saw it as a challenge!  Our worst breakup was when I demanded an apology and pointed out all of the atrocities she has committed against me!  Especially the mental abuse incidents!

I'm not sure what other options I have to persue!  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Turkish]

Have you seen this?

From: US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

Thanks, AJ, for your comments on this.  

What you are saying is that, in effect, re-engaging is about the non... .what he/she still needs to deal with... .vs. the person with BPD.  Many nons aren't really over the person with BPD and they really don't want to be.  

I see what's wrong with me now. I break it off, I want it gone, but the moment i think it IS gone, I go reaching out in whatever capacity. Codependent? Passive aggressive? I'm so tired of all this BS in my head.

   

Reneehsv wrote this above, and it is often true of the nons who post here.

We may want the BPD in our life to embrace recovery from BPD, but our job is to embrace recovery from our nonness.  Most who are/have posted here have issues of our own to deal with... .  As that poster mentions, codependency, passive-aggressive tendencies, rescuing/enabling tendencies, etc.  ... .  Unless we deal with the difficult "stuff" within us, the relationship will go downhill even if they do get back with us/get help/etc.   

[KarmasReal]

Hey man,

I feel your pain and struggle on this. I've been the thought the recycles and break ups/make ups several times myself. I've asked myself the same questions "what can I do to keep my self respect and stop the abuses this time". I've tried everything being open, honest, and loving to being distant, cold, and uncaring. And every time she managed to eventually find a way to get to me. Whatever guards or games you think you can play the BPD will find the weakness and exploit it, they have a gift for it. I know how good the "fix" is with your BPD partner but you know where it will lead... .to pain, another breakup, maybe another recycle and then more pain and devaluation. You will reach a point to where your physical health will be in peril from such a roller coaster of emotions for such a long time. Or your recycles will end, because of her not you. Either way you already know the answer, be strong and stay away, you and your well being should be the only important thing, that lasts forever your "fix" doesn't. Stay strong.