Ex Gf wants to be friends

[sweet tooth]

If it is indeed a "test," a game, or what not you will lose because the rules will never be clearly defined and will constantly change. The only way to win is to not "play."

Think f it this way, if you're being tested, the tests will only get harder:

-I wonder if I can get away with not texting him back?

-I wonder if I can get away with breaking our plans?

-I wonder if I can get away with going on a date with someone else?

-I wonder if I can get away with being wishy washy about how committed I am?

-I wonder if I can get away with leaving him at the alter?

-I wonder if I can get away with physically assaulting him?

-I wonder if I can get away with divorcing him?

-I wonder if I can get away with using the children to hurt him?

-I wonder if I can get away with accusing him of raping me?

Oh, and if he doesn't let me get away with it (anywhere in the process), he must be a no good abuser who doesn't love me. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Confused108]

Imo I feel some of them want to remain friends after they discard is is because they want u. In their stable of exs to "recycle" if they wish later. My ex after a back and forth I need time to think and space had decided she wanted to "remain" friends! At first I will be honest I did too. The. I sat there and thought of all the $hit she pulled on me and did to me! I said to her as far as friends go I think I'll pass. You are toxic for me and that I don't need in my life. But I do wish you well and please stay out of a relationship until you truly know what the word love means! Not throw it around bc it sounds nice. Boom baby! Roasted!

[SWLSR]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

[sweet tooth]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

But at the same time they'll throw you under the bus on a whim... .

[SWLSR]

Sweet toothe

Yes they do that it's all about them

[Confused108]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

  I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

[Invictus01]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

  I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

Nope. You get recycled when you allow it to happen. Whatever is the reasoning behind keeping you around, in the end, you are the one who can walk away from it.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

 I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

Sorry double post.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

  I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

Nope. You get recycled when you allow it to happen. Whatever is the reasoning behind keeping you around, in the end, you are the one who can walk away from it.

Agree . They will keep recycling you as long as you let them . Once you brake up with them because you had enough they will latch to their next victim. At the same time you will paintedyou black for "abandoning" them.

[Confused108]

Let me rephrase that! I know you Dont get recycled unless you want to. The point is they will Try and recycle you or any other exs they have! And it really doesn't matter if you break up with them or they break up with you they will always find the "next victim" to latch onto! My ex broke up with me and painted me Black as night! So for that to happen you don't have to "break it off with them. There good at doing that all on there own!

[SWLSR]

Confused

I think we all agree they do bad things.  To me I never felt like she wanted to recycle just that she missed the fact that, I got invited to alot of social events and she liked being there.  The person who replaced me is kinda anti social.  I never felt like she truly wanted me back just that she missed the social life I gave her.  That is what she wanted back and I was a means to an end.

[MapleBob]

They don't all recycle. Something to keep in mind. My more recent (of two) uBPDx is more of a salt-the-earth type, and that isn't atypical for BPD. Staying friends in that kind of scenario is about "I might still have a use for you, I just don't know what it is yet."

[Confused108]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

[sweet tooth]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

[Confused108]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

I am a trigger for my ex. She dosent even realize it. I am the reason she went to a mental hospital bc my Mom broke us up and told my ex I was dating someone else when it was a lie! I tried gettin  her back but she was gone after that. Hated me etc.  Then 26 years later finds me like I mentioned and u read the rest. I was if u want to call it a recycle  once. I feel she hates me full blown painted blacker then black. I also feel she has enough exs around to keep her busy . Also she told me she had not thought about me all those years. She blocked me out. She only found me on FB because of our mutual friends as kids/ teens. Otherwise she would never have come a knockin. I don't know if I call that a recycle or just plain curiosity As we never broke up we were forced to be apart.

[troisette]

I agree with the general consensus.

I wonder if BPDs want to remain friends because it lessens their feelings of abandonment?

But I also think it's about control, feeling they still have a finger in the pie of our lives. Also a back-up for their convenience when they are going through a barren patch. I agree that friendship with a BPD is not like a normal friendship - this due to their illness.

My ex was frantic to remain friends with me. But I'd seen the quality of his friendships, both with exs and others he had not been romantically involved with. Not what I'd consider proper friendship - which for me includes trust, loyalty, shared interest in each other and each other's best interests at heart.

I have long-term friendships with exs from the dim and distant, but then they are not BPD.

Are you going to be happy with crumbs from your ex, on their terms, without loyalty, trust and knowing that person cares about your interests and happiness? If you are - maybe you should be asking questions about how little is enough for you - a matter of self-esteem?  

[MapleBob]

I wonder if BPDs want to remain friends because it lessens their feelings of abandonment?

That question makes me wonder if their reasoning varies based on the archetype of BPD they generally exhibit (Waif/Witch/Queen/Hermit, etc). The Waif wants to keep you around to save them later if you need them to, the Queen does it for control, the Witch for the ego boost, and the Hermit just in case they're ever lonely? I don't necessarily agree 100% with those archetypes, but in short, I think their reasoning varies based on their particular need.

[sweet tooth]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

I am a trigger for my ex. She dosent even realize it. I am the reason she went to a mental hospital bc my Mom broke us up and told my ex I was dating someone else when it was a lie! I tried gettin  her back but she was gone after that. Hated me etc.  Then 26 years later finds me like I mentioned and u read the rest. I was if u want to call it a recycle  once. I feel she hates me full blown painted blacker then black. I also feel she has enough exs around to keep her busy . Also she told me she had not thought about me all those years. She blocked me out. She only found me on FB because of our mutual friends as kids/ teens. Otherwise she would never have come a knockin. I don't know if I call that a recycle or just plain curiosity As we never broke up we were forced to be apart.

Don't count it out. There are people on here who tell stories of people coming back 20 years later (and you're one of them). It's not beyond the realm of possibility. I'm getting the impression that you are in denial of the possibility that she might come back. She might, she might not. Stating a firm "she WON'T come back" involves a few cognitive distortions (see "Feeling Good" by Dr. David D. Burns):

-Black and White thinking

-Mind Reading

-The Fortune Teller Error

[Hadlee]

I wonder if BPDs want to remain friends because it lessens their feelings of abandonment?

Yeah I was going to say that.  If they completely let us go then they are truly abandoned.  There will need to be some form of connection for them, whether it is direct or indirect i.e. checking up on us.

They definitely need to be in control, so still having an ex in their life one way or another allows them to continue to control the situation.  I also don't think it matters how much supply they have - an attachment is an attachment, whether past or present.

Just my thoughts

[Confused108]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

I am a trigger for my ex. She dosent even realize it. I am the reason she went to a mental hospital bc my Mom broke us up and told my ex I was dating someone else when it was a lie! I tried gettin  her back but she was gone after that. Hated me etc.  Then 26 years later finds me like I mentioned and u read the rest. I was if u want to call it a recycle  once. I feel she hates me full blown painted blacker then black. I also feel she has enough exs around to keep her busy . Also she told me she had not thought about me all those years. She blocked me out. She only found me on FB because of our mutual friends as kids/ teens. Otherwise she would never have come a knockin. I don't know if I call that a recycle or just plain curiosity As we never broke up we were forced to be apart.

Don't count it out. There are people on here who tell stories of people coming back 20 years later (and you're one of them). It's not beyond the realm of possibility. I'm getting the impression that you are in denial of the possibility that she might come back. She might, she might not. Stating a firm "she WON'T come back" involves a few cognitive distortions (see "Feeling Good" by Dr. David D. Burns):

-Black and White thinking

-Mind Reading

-The Fortune Teller Error

I am not in denial about anything. My ex buried me . Never gave me a second thought. All those years . Painted black beyond black. The only reason she came back was because she saw me on a mutual friends FB page. Some come back ... .Yes they do... .some Don't. I feel my  ex is one of those ppl. And yes she does recycle exs bc when we spoke she would mention how she should call her ex hubby , her ex boyfriend. This I feel was to recycle them. But she lives in Canada I'm here in NY. So I think she has enough play toys where she is.  Also now knowing who and what she is will never ever get suckered into her Bull $hit again. If she ever was to come back... .And trust me she won't. With me anyway. I am such a trigger for her and I will say she wants me to stay outta her life. And I believe that.

[C.Stein]

This thread has reached its post limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.