Still holding on. Confused?

[Larmoyant]

Trying to work out why I’m still holding on and what for? After a 4 month nightmare break-up things seem to be settling down a little. I’m hurting, a lot, but sometimes it’s not as bad as others. I’ve climbed up and I’m sitting on the bank, but my toes are still in the water. I don’t understand why I just can’t completely let go. He doesn’t seem to be able to either, although I believe he’s got another girlfriend, likely more.

It’s all so immature as well. This is our recent text exchange where he sent me a link to a love song:

Him: This just came on the radio. Remember then? I’m not trying to contact. How?

Me: How?

He didn’t respond so I sent this the following morning:

Me: I just listened to the song and feel sad. It was never like that. I so wanted it to be, but it never was.

Him: Not for me it wasn’t, but it was for you. You just haven’t realized it yet.

This made me feel so angry. He’s saying that the relationship was a good one for me, but not him despite me losing almost everything.

Me: It wasn’t like that for me. If I were to choose a song which reflects how it seems to me its ‘You ruined me’ by Veronicas. Something like that.

Him: Your lying eyes? (he is always calling me a liar)

Me: Yes. That reminds me of you too. Why? Sad.

That’s it. It’s immature and pointless and I played his game and was cruel.

Maybe he just wanted to see if I was still here or if I would respond. I don’t know, but for me it stirs up a lot. Not least that he is still thinking of me and that gives me some hope. Hope that is futile. Sadness and yearning because I wish it had been like the song he sent, despair that it really does reflect the Veronica’s song, angry that he got to call me a liar again, a little guilty about my comeback, and relief that he’s still making contact with me. The last one has me completely baffled. Relief? Has anyone else felt like this?

It's hard letting go.

[Ahoy]

Yeah I'm sorry mate but if you are 4 months out and still having exchanges like that I don't think you are letting go.

How can you get perspective and heal if you keep getting roped back into discussions like that?

If you subscribe to the theory that these relationships are addictive (I do) than relief you felt was your brain getting your 'fix' your cravings are sated for another few days.

Thought about no contact?

[Larmoyant]

Hi Ahoy,

That makes sense. I am definitely addicted and it's just as you say. I was ok, sort of, yesterday, but now I'm yearning for him all over again. I've tried NC a couple of times, but keep responding to his messages although they're less and less these days. I need to get some perspective here. Having a bad day today  :'(

[SRbikerider]

NC!

Seriously, it is the best way to remove yourself from the nightmare that is BPD.

It is so frustrating to not reply, but it get easier.  Your world will begin to make sense again.  Every time you reply, it just sucks you backwards.  Try not to feed that monster.  It feels too late for me.  Hope others can learn and move forward.

[Larmoyant]

SRbikerider, I've definitely gone backwards. I'm actually doing everything I can right now to stop myself 'accidentally' dialling his number! I swear I've gone crazy myself. What do you mean when you say it feels too late for you?

[SRbikerider]

We were together for over 30 years.  At 50 I'm not dead, but I sure don't see myself in the dating scene. Kind of too late for me to start all over.  I will just choose a different path and I'm okay with that.

[Larmoyant]

That’s a long time and I can understand why you would feel that way after. I’m in my forties and feel the same way too sometimes. I met my ex on a dating site two years ago and that has put me off for life, dating sites that is. Deep down I would love to recover from all this abuse so I can love and be loved again, but who knows.