Two Years Later and Still Anxious

[Dr Zaius]

Fell head over heels for this girl... .we were together for three years. I ignored all the red flags and was devastated when she dumped me. I've spent the past two years taking care of myself... .getting in shape, furthering career, I even got a hair transplant!

I've dated a few women in the past two years, nothing serious, usually more of a distraction.

Despite everything I've come to realize about her, I still obsess over her. Everything reminds me of her, and I still ruminate on the wrong doings. I have no illusions of getting back together but I'm just so tired of feeing this way. It's like a cancer. As long as I'm busy either socially or professionally, I'm ok. But the minute I stagnate... .the anxiety and anger seeps back in.

It's been over a year since last contact. Lately I've been wondering about reaching out. Obviously it's a terrible idea but I am desperate for any sort of closure. I know it's highly unlikely that she'll say anything to help but I don't know what to do at this point.

[Inharmsway]

Hey Dr Z,

I completely understand what you going through. I'm also about 2yrs out of r/s with uexBPD and the withdrawals from this are like those of a Crack addict in rehab.

I'll try not give unsolicited advice and rather share what seemed to work for me. I realized that the more I buried myself in other activities and avoid feeling and experiencing the withdrawal fully lead more depression. So instead,  whenever these feelings arose, I allowed myself to feel them,  cry if warranted and just experience the intensity of all the emotions brought on by that moment.

Gradually over time I realized that  I wasn't missing him as much and these feelings seldom come up anymore. 

So hopefully with time you'll come right.

Sorry you have to go through this.

[Fr4nz]

Sometimes I still feel like that (14 months NC), even if I had my own closure... .

[Mutt]

Hi Dr Zaius,



I'm sorry to hear that it's difficult for you. How did you break-up 24 months ago?

Is she diagnosed with BPD?

[C.Stein]

Welcome Dr Z.  

Closure ... .something we all want, something very few of us get.  Closure from these types of relationships is about as fantastical as the relationship itself.   I have given up on getting closure, what I seek now is acceptance.   Accepting there are two different people who live inside my ex ... .and knowing I need to accept those two people represent her as a whole.   No matter how hard she tries to hide her dark side (read BPD), it is always there impacting her thinking and behavior.   Some are much better at hiding the BPD side than others, but eventually the mask always fractures and falls off.

In my quest for acceptance I have been writing a summation of her BPD behavior and traits since I discovered the likelihood my ex suffers from the condition.   At the same time I also examine my own behavior, reactions and reasons why I got hooked and allowed myself to stay in the relationship.   It has been a continually evolving document as I emerged from the FOG and gained more knowledge and clarity.   Going into painstaking detail examining the behavior and most likely reasons why she behaves that way and how that behavior impacted me has helped tremendously in the effort the reintegrate the good person and the disordered person into a whole person.  

[zeus123]

She dumped you .

You still obsess over her.

Everything reminds you of her.

It's like cancer.

Anxiety and anger seeps back in. But you've been wondering about reaching out and desperate for any sort of closure and you don't know what to do at this point,after two years. You are not getting over your BPDex because u don't really want to. Holding onto your pain of her helps you hold onto the person. if you're with someone emotionally impaired, you're with em because Of these deficits~ not in spite of them, nobody who truly loves you, can dump you in an instant just because your behavior's disappointed them... .unless it's a BPD GF.

The only closure you're going to get is coming to term with the fact that you have tried to have functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

[disorderedsociety]

She dumped you .

You still obsess over her.

Everything reminds you of her.

It's like cancer.

Anxiety and anger seeps back in. But you've been wondering about reaching out and desperate for any sort of closure and you don't know what to do at this point,after two years. You are not getting over your BPDex because u don't really want to. Holding onto your pain of her helps you hold onto the person. if you're with someone emotionally impaired, you're with em because Of these deficits~ not in spite of them, nobody who truly loves you, can dump you in an instant just because your behavior's disappointed them... .unless it's a BPD GF.

The only closure you're going to get is coming to term with the fact that you have tried to have functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

What about when you leave them and they find someone else shortly after screwing several others?

[Herodias]

"What about when you leave them and they find someone else shortly after screwing several others?"

IT MEANS YOU HAVE GOOD BOUNDARIES. I know the feeling... .They cannot be alone. That's why they move on so fast. It says nothing about you. Inharmsway... .it makes sense what you said. I think I have spent along time trying not to feel, because everyone including his Mother said... .why are you crying? I tried not to, because I am supposed to just be angry at what he did... .but I am hurting and now I cry when I want to. No matter what they did or thought, we thought it was real and are really hurt. We are allowed to feel bad over our loss. I feel like my ex has died... .I really do. Except he is still out there trying to manipulate me through the courts. This upsets me too, because he is still trying to hurt me, yet I know he thinks I am doing it to him. All the while he is off pretending to start a family and act like he has got it all together now. It bothers me allot. Sometimes I think I will be satisfied when I hear things are not so great with them... .even though I know realistically, I will still feel bad for him. I just wish I could be fully healed from this.

[disorderedsociety]

"What about when you leave them and they find someone else shortly after screwing several others?"

IT MEANS YOU HAVE GOOD BOUNDARIES. I know the feeling... .They cannot be alone. That's why they move on so fast. It says nothing about you. Inharmsway... .it makes sense what you said. I think I have spent along time trying not to feel, because everyone including his Mother said... .why are you crying? I tried not to, because I am supposed to just be angry at what he did... .but I am hurting and now I cry when I want to. No matter what they did or thought, we thought it was real and are really hurt. We are allowed to feel bad over our loss. I feel like my ex has died... .I really do. Except he is still out there trying to manipulate me through the courts. This upsets me too, because he is still trying to hurt me, yet I know he thinks I am doing it to him. All the while he is off pretending to start a family and act like he has got it all together now. It bothers me allot. Sometimes I think I will be satisfied when I hear things are not so great with them... .even though I know realistically, I will still feel bad for him. I just wish I could be fully healed from this.

I really vibed with what you said and I can only imagine if we'd had a kid and things didn't work out. Because I'm willing to do the right things (unlike the first guy who ran out on her first child) she'd probably have kept me in court w/ child support claims (she doesn't work, still gets SSI afaik)

But yeah my thoughts to share with you are, what if the right person just gets along with you to where you don't feel like there's anything to heal from? Codependence is codependence with two playing the game but if you find someone who has strengths where you see weaknesses you can work with that and it won't be unhealthy, just my 2c.

[drummerboy5]

Fell head over heels for this girl... .we were together for three years. I ignored all the red flags and was devastated when she dumped me. I've spent the past two years taking care of myself... .getting in shape, furthering career, I even got a hair transplant!

I've dated a few women in the past two years, nothing serious, usually more of a distraction.

Despite everything I've come to realize about her, I still obsess over her. Everything reminds me of her, and I still ruminate on the wrong doings. I have no illusions of getting back together but I'm just so tired of feeing this way. It's like a cancer. As long as I'm busy either socially or professionally, I'm ok. But the minute I stagnate... .the anxiety and anger seeps back in.

It's been over a year since last contact. Lately I've been wondering about reaching out. Obviously it's a terrible idea but I am desperate for any sort of closure. I know it's highly unlikely that she'll say anything to help but I don't know what to do at this point.

You loved her and you shouldnt feel bad about how long it is taking to get over her. PwBPD are like  heroin and we are the addicts... It's hard to get over the love you felt, the hurt and being upset...

[Dr Zaius]

She dumped you .

You still obsess over her.

Everything reminds you of her.

It's like cancer.

Anxiety and anger seeps back in. But you've been wondering about reaching out and desperate for any sort of closure and you don't know what to do at this point,after two years. You are not getting over your BPDex because u don't really want to. Holding onto your pain of her helps you hold onto the person. if you're with someone emotionally impaired, you're with em because Of these deficits~ not in spite of them, nobody who truly loves you, can dump you in an instant just because your behavior's disappointed them... .unless it's a BPD GF.

The only closure you're going to get is coming to term with the fact that you have tried to have functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

You're probably right but it's not a conscious decision though. I don't want to hold onto her, I want to be free of this.

[Vatz]

Dr Zaius,

I'm right there with you, buddy.

I was actually thinking about this exact thing just a few moments ago. Couldn't sleep.

I'm still in the "If I had done this differently" stage. But like you, I have no notion that I could get back together with her.

There were definitely things I did wrong, and my immaturity showed in those actions. But other things I did because after a time, I no longer fully trusted her. Even though she decided to end things, it was a long time coming after a certain point.

I dunno if this helps, but if you're *able* to find people to go on dates-then you're doing okay. The one you love cannot be replaced, because no two people are the same and different people will provide a different experience. If you're out and about, and having some luck in meeting people then at least you'll have the options to choose someone that you can see spending your time with.