Why can't I get past this?

[Nuitari]

I want to discuss something here that's really been bothering me. I am about to disclose some pretty personal stuff, but I really need to share this with someone because I've come to the conclusion that this one issue is the source of all of my hang-ups. Its the reason I haven't been able to give myself the closure I've been looking for, and I don't even know how to begin working past this. I've been considering therapy a lot lately, but I want to also share this here in the hopes that someone reading this might be able to help put this whole thing in perspective for me. Here goes... .

Like so many others here, my ex was very hypersexual. What should have been a big for me was her unusual preoccupation with sex. It was where her thought process inevitably took her. In the midst of an otherwise normal conversation, I would suddenly find myself being interrogated regarding my previous sexual encounters. She liked to ask me things like, what is my favorite sex act, have I ever been in a threesome, etc, and just talking about this stuff would get her aroused. Sex was something she needed very often. Once we couldn't because she was on her period and she said "well at least let me give you a blow job." It just didn't seem to matter that much to her what type of sex we were going to have. Any sexual act somehow satisfied her. I wasn't exactly complaining about it when I was with her. But now, I can't help but resent her for it.

My ex was married and I was seeing her while her husband was away for several months in the military. Despite what my previous paragraph might suggest, our relationship wasn't based on sex. I loved her, and she seemed to genuinely love me too, especially in the beginning. We connected with her in a way that I never connected with anyone before. We talked about having a future together. I truly believe that part of her was sincere, but she couldn't find it in herself to leave her husband, who had been begging her to stay with him. At any rate, when the husband returned home, it was hard for me to accept her being with another man. Its still hard. But the worst part of all has been lying awake at night imagining what is probably happing in their bedroom. The thought of her sleeping with another man makes me want to scream. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I conjure up all sorts of images in my head of the two of them, and it makes me hate her. Now, I realize that, to a degree, this is nothing abnormal. No one feels comfortable with the idea of an ex in a sexual situation with someone else. But I feel like I'm taking it to a whole other level. Why is this provoking such an extreme emotional reaction from me? Why can't I dispel the images? Why am I torturing myself over it?

To complicate things more, I know that she never intentionally tried to hurt me. Sometimes I think it would be easier for me if I thought she were. We haven't communicated in a long time, but she ended her last email to me with "I truly wish the best for you." I think she meant that. She isn't sleeping with her husband to hurt me. My brain knows that. And yet, when I think about it, I hate her. I can't help it. Why am I taking it so personally?

I think my problem stems from her hypersexuality. Her preoccupation with sex alone is enough to make it hard for me to accept that she is with another man. If she weren't so hypersexual, I think I would have had an easier time with it. But knowing how quickly and easily it was going to be for her to jump into bed with him, and knowing how badly she was going to need sex from him, made me feel like I had been used, and it made me call into question the premise of our entire relationship. Was it all just about sex for her? Was I just there to satisfy her until her husband came back? When I step back and take an objective look at her behavior, I see that she placed a higher priority on the sex itself than on who her partner is, and I'm left feeling very insignificant.

It also really hurt that she insulted my intelligence on more than one occasion after her husband's return by denying to me that she was hypersexual. About a month after her husband's return (we were still in contact then) it came up, and she tried to tell me that she still wasn't sleeping with him. She said things were still terrible in their marriage, that she still had strong feelings for me, and that she and her husband weren't even sleeping in the same room at night. Seeing first hand her preoccupation with sex, I couldn't buy that she went an entire month without sleeping with him. If it were true, it was him that withheld sex from her, not the other way around. And when she did finally sleep with him, she supposedly didn't even want to but was pressured into it. Yeah right! There is no way in hell it happened that way. Why did she feel the need to lie about it? I think that is what hurts the most. Not the sex but the dishonestly. We grew close and intimate, during which time I saw a side of her that she suddenly denied existed once she and I weren't together. I can't help but feel insulted and belittled by her attempts to downplay to me the importance of sex to her when I saw it first hand. That she could so easily put on a facade and attempt to pass herself off as someone else to me when her needs changed makes me think that she held little real regard for our relationship, something that meant everything to me. I feel insulted and used.

Has anyone else had these kind of issues? I think I could forgive her for all the other devastating effects she's had on my life and on my psyche. But I don't know how to forgive her for this. It is the source of all of my anger and hate. Am I making too big of a deal about this sex stuff? She having sex with her husband is a normal thing to do, and I have to accept it. Its her entire attitude toward sex that makes the whole thing unsettling for me, as well as what it might imply. I realize that this behavior is most likely a result of her BPD, but knowing that doesn't help me process the pain. I would love to be able to shrug the whole thing off as something she can't help, and maybe that's actually true, but it doesn't lift the anger and resentment that I feel toward her.

[C.Stein]

The reason you can't move past this is because you don't want to ... .you don't want to let her go.  You feel betrayed and used, understandable feelings.  You want to believe she feels the same way about you that you feel about her ... .but she can't.  She is mentally and emotionally incapable of it and you don't want to accept that.  This is also understandable and I struggle with this as well.   You attempt to apply logic to something that is inherently illogical ... .it keeps you going in circles.

I think you also feel some shame and that is what keeps you stuck.  You torture yourself because perhaps subconsciously you feel you deserve it.  

I understand the sex thing is difficult to process, it is for most people.   You are not alone in having difficulty with this.  When I find my thoughts going there I immediately stop and force myself to think of something else.  Why ... .because it hurts to damn much to think about it,   What good does it do to think about that stuff anyhow?  Why would I want to torture myself with those thoughts?  

I believe sex for a pwBPD is more like a tool and by extension their partner is also a tool.

• A tool to hook someone.
  
  
• A tool to keep that someone interested.  
  
  
• A tool to divert attention away from issues within themselves.
  
  
• A tool to control someone.
  
  
• A tool to provide them with feelings of self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem.
  
  
• A tool to provide them with identity.
  
  
• A tool to deal with anxiety and stress.  
  
  
• A tool to feel wanted, needed, desirable.
  
  
• A tool to provide them with a sense of intimacy and love without having to do the real work to achieve those in a healthy way.
  
  
• A tool to provide a sense of stability ... .sex = everything is OK (with relationship and themselves).
  
  
• A tool to get the euphoric high and a fix.
  
  In my relationship, the more my ex hurt me the more I withdrew.   After the rabbit stage, for me the sex was more about an expression of love, a truly intimate act.  It didn't always have to be this way, sometimes it is fun just to be physical for the sake of being physical, but I still wanted to feel that emotional and intimate connection.  As the connection slowly got destroyed by her I began to feel more like a tool, something she used to get the things listed above.   The more I felt like a tool the less sex we had.   I am a pretty sexual person myself so for this to happen speaks volumes to me.  Like me, you are feeling like a tool and this is not a good feeling.
  
  The biggest difference between her and me at that point was sex for me was an expression of love and intimacy ... .for her it was a means to obtain those feelings for a short period of time.  She would say frequently she doesn't want sex, she wants to "make love".   I believe the problem was she used sex to obtain those feelings, not as an expression of those feelings.  
  
  The likelihood of this all being true is without a doubt devastating and gut wrenching painful.  I really don't want to accept this but I also can't deny it either when I do take a truly objective look her and our relationship.   I believe this is where you are at now ... .this realization and it is incredibly difficult to accept.
  
  Like you I do feel there were times when it was absolutely real.  A truly intimate shared bond and expression of love.   I know this to be true both logically and emotionally.  It is so very hard to let go of that, to let go of the belief you were something truly special and unique to her.   However objectively speaking, overall I think it was more a means to an end, a way for her to obtain feelings she is incapable of obtaining on her own.
  
  As much as it hurts, I have to find a way to accept I was a tool and you do as well.  
  
  I'll add one more observation worth noting.  The periods in our relationship where we were the most sexually active were also the periods where she was the most emotionally unstable.
  
  

[schwing]

... .At any rate, when the husband returned home, it was hard for me to accept her being with another man. Its still hard. But the worst part of all has been lying awake at night imagining what is probably happing in their bedroom. The thought of her sleeping with another man makes me want to scream. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I conjure up all sorts of images in my head of the two of them, and it makes me hate her. Now, I realize that, to a degree, this is nothing abnormal. No one feels comfortable with the idea of an ex in a sexual situation with someone else. But I feel like I'm taking it to a whole other level. Why is this provoking such an extreme emotional reaction from me? Why can't I dispel the images? Why am I torturing myself over it?

I imagine you are having difficulty because you still have a strong attachment to her.  Perhaps your attachment was so strong with her that you feel that her treatment towards you is a betrayal or an abandonment.  One does not get over these kinds of hurt as when an attachment ends without such a trauma.

I think my problem stems from her hypersexuality. Her preoccupation with sex alone is enough to make it hard for me to accept that she is with another man. If she weren't so hypersexual, I think I would have had an easier time with it. But knowing how quickly and easily it was going to be for her to jump into bed with him, and knowing how badly she was going to need sex from him, made me feel like I had been used, and it made me call into question the premise of our entire relationship. Was it all just about sex for her? Was I just there to satisfy her until her husband came back? When I step back and take an objective look at her behavior, I see that she placed a higher priority on the sex itself than on who her partner is, and I'm left feeling very insignificant.

If your ex has BPD, I believe that her behavior (hyper sexuality) had more to do with you than with her.  When she was with you, she intuited that being hyper sexual would allow you to form a strong attachment.  I have read that people with BPD can even alter their sexual preferences depending upon whom they form their (unstable) attachments.  One of the traits for BPD is having an "unstable sense of self."

... .And when she did finally sleep with him, she supposedly didn't even want to but was pressured into it. Yeah right! There is no way in hell it happened that way. Why did she feel the need to lie about it?

How do you know she lied about it?  Aren't you assuming that her *personality* is unchanged?  You realize that the P in BPD stands for *personality* (disorder).

I feel insulted and used.

I think it is normal to feel as you do.  What might help is to learn to accept that her disorder affects her in a way that you do not yet fully accept yet.  In once sense, how can you not take you experience personally -- it was an intimate relationship after all.  But then again, how can you take personally the behavior of someone who is disordered, especially when their offending behavior is consistent with their disorder?

For me, I was able to get past the pain and hurt by eventually accepting my exBPDgf's BPD behavior.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Nuitari]

C.Stein,

I see so much of my own story in your post. Its like we dated the same woman. My ex would also make a special point of saying "making love" instead of "having sex," and would always correct me if I used the latter phrase instead of the former.

I understand the sex thing is difficult to process, it is for most people.   You are not alone in having difficulty with this.  When I find my thoughts going there I immediately stop and force myself to think of something else.  Why ... .because it hurts to damn much to think about it,   What good does it do to think about that stuff anyhow?  Why would I want to torture myself with those thoughts?

That's easier said than done. I keep reliving the trauma over and over. I still had to see my ex practically every day at work after her husband's return, and that's what made it hard, especially sense we were still close. It was a very traumatic thing to grow so close to her, to have no barriers between us, and then, in the blink of an eye, she's sleeping in a bed with another man and I'm not allowed to know what she's doing with him. That's a hard thing to process. I think that's why I still dwell on it. I'm still processing.

As the connection slowly got destroyed by her I began to feel more like a tool, something she used to get the things listed above.

This was my experience as well. I became a tool. Maybe I always was. And you are right that there is a certain amount of shame for me, because I knew I was a tool. After her husband returned, she told me that he was waiting three months to take an HIV test (he apparently fooled around while he was away), and that he wanted to play it safe and hold off on sex until his test comes back negative. Even though we were no longer in a relationship, she would often proposition me, saying that she needed sex very badly and couldn't wait long enough for her husband to take his test. Sometimes I was strong enough to refuse her. Other times, not so much. She is very seductive and it was so hard not to give in. Plus, I was afraid that she would just go get it from someone else if not from me, and I couldn't handle the thought of that. So, I allowed her to use me. What had at one time seemed a meaningful expression our feelings for one another became a purely physical act that only served to satisfy her constant sexual cravings. Sex with her was always amazing, and I won't lie and say I still wasn't having a good time on some level, but at the same time it made me feel "empty" inside when I would remember how meaningful it used to be.

What was truly insulting was how she would later deny her hypersexual tendencies to me. She even told me sex isn't that important to her, that she hardly even thinks about it. How could she even expect me to buy that after everything that had happened between us? After telling me how badly she needed sex from me because she couldn't get it from the husband, she expected me to believe that she doesn't care about sex! It was very hurtful that she would suddenly treat me like a stranger and expect me to believe a lot of BS when I knew her so much better than that.

The final insult came when she admitted to me that the husband had passed his test and that she had already been sleeping with him for about a month without telling me. Given that she and I were still involved, I felt that I had a right to know. I made her promise me on more than one occasion that she would tell me when things got physical with him. The whole idea of seeing her while she was sleeping with him is horrific. I wanted to distance myself from her before things got physical between them so as to avoid more pain, but she denied me that choice. Evidently, how all of this was affecting me emotionally wasn't something she gave a lot of thought to. She couldn't see past satisfying her own temporary needs. I know it sounds bad, but all I can feel for her right now is hate. It's partly my fault too, though. I allowed it to happen to me. I saw first hand how easily she was able to cheat on her husband with absolutely no guilt or remorse. I don't know why I was expecting any better from her.

As much as it hurts, I have to find a way to accept I was a tool and you do as well.

Yes, I was a tool and so is her husband, even though he may not know it. We were both objects for her to use. She once hinted to me that something sexual had happened between her and her brother-in-law while he was temporarily staying at her house. This happened when her husband was away. When she saw that it upset me, she tried to pass it off as a joke. But after seeing what she is capable of, I don't doubt that there was some truth to it. I don't think she's capable of loving anyone. People are just objects to her, and she'll use whoever she has access to. I'm only just now waking up to this fact.

[Nuitari]

I imagine you are having difficulty because you still have a strong attachment to her.  Perhaps your attachment was so strong with her that you feel that her treatment towards you is a betrayal or an abandonment.  One does not get over these kinds of hurt as when an attachment ends without such a trauma.

I actually feel ridiculous saying this, being the "other guy" and all, but I do feel very betrayed. It's a very long story, so I won't go too far into it, but her husband got me in trouble at work (he somehow got it in his head that I was trying to seduce his innocent wife!) and I was fired. What's really been hard for me is knowing that she's still with him after he vindictively cost me my job. She was always adamant that she would leave him if he ever did that. But no. Not only did she stay with him, but I can no longer believe that she didn't hesitate to jump right back into bed with him. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I feel betrayed by her on every level. I also have reason to believe that she was having threesomes with her husband and a female co-worker of his. She used to tell me she loved me. I could even see it in her eyes when she looked at me. How can she turn around and do those things with a man who purposely ruined my life? She could have at least remained angry at him for a little while. Is that too much to ask? No. She had no choice but to make up with him immediately because there he was lying in bed next to her when she needed sex. She once thought so much of me that she was going to end her marriage to be with me. Somehow I devolved into someone so insignificant that she was unwilling to make the smallest sacrifice for me at a time when my life was in shambles (thanks in no small part to her!). I keep looking for some evidence that I was more to her than a temporary replacement for her husband, but there is none.

... .And when she did finally sleep with him, she supposedly didn't even want to but was pressured into it. Yeah right! There is no way in hell it happened that way. Why did she feel the need to lie about it?

How do you know she lied about it?  Aren't you assuming that her *personality* is unchanged?  You realize that the P in BPD stands for *personality* (disorder).

You're suggesting that perhaps she was being more sexual with me than with the husband? That's a nice thought, but I doubt it. There were lots of signs that her behavior was no different with him. I saw her at work practically every day. I would sometimes work late, and one night she dropped by my office just to say hi (this was after she got back with her husband), and was in a huge rush to get home. She made up some excuse about why she had to get home, but I could see right through it. I could see that she had that same excited, wild look in her eyes that I always saw whenever she needed sex from me. I was supposedly the only guy she ever loved, but she could hardly say two words to me because she was in such a rush to drive home and get nightly sex fix. That one moment put so much in perspective for me, and it made me realize what her true priorities were. I try not to think about that night, but that memory keeps playing over and over again in my mind like a broken record. The first emotion the memory triggers is intense pain, but is rapidly followed by anger. This is just one of many similar stories. She was so transparent that her efforts to deceive me are insulting. All I ever asked from her is honesty. That would have gone a long way to make the whole experience less painful for me. I actually think I would have felt better if she had said "Nuitari, I have to get home because I want sex. You know how often I need it, so please understand that it's got nothing to do with feelings. Its just me satisfying a physical need, so don't take it personally ok?" But instead she would look me in the eyes and say stuff like "How can you think I could make love to another man having the feelings I have for you? Do you honestly think I could do something like that?" I now know that she was going straight home and sleeping with her husband. She's admitted as much. And I also know her well enough now to know that she had no problem doing it. That she could have sex with him only an hour after saying those things to me is evil. She made a mockery of something once genuine, and I can never forgive her for that. How can I ever trust someone again after this insanity?

I guess the reason I'm making such a big deal about sex is because, in the beginning, she made such a big deal about it. Knowing how important it is to her, its hard not to take it personally knowing that she's experiencing it with someone else. I sometimes have fantasies of calling the husband and telling him about the affair just to get back at both of them!