I want to approve my relationship with a former BPD partner

[once_toronto]

Hi guys!

I posted a post here the other day for the first time and was so happy how supportive people are here. I wasn't expecting any response, so thank you!

My original post was about my ex-boyfriend who has just recently come into my life again.

He broke up with me a year and half ago and found someone else. Now that he is back he is telling me he finally got into therapy and they found out that he has BPD traits. Which, after reading about it makes alot of sense to me and also have made me understand alot of what happend in our relationship. After we broke up he would still tell me I was the one, almost each month for a year until I went no contact for the remaining half year because, no matter how much i wanted for us to be together again, it seemed like it was always only big words and no action.

Since my last post where I was afraid of my own emotional state in it all I have been talking to him further. It does seem like things have changed. He is still having a hard time, maybe even more so but in different way now. Ofcourse I am afraid still that I am delusional about this change and that it yet again are just big words and no action.

He wants to be with me and are sorry for what have happend. I forgave him along time ago so that part have not been difficult for me. And I do still love him like I always did. Not giving him another change doesn't feel right to me. So I have decided to atleast try and I ofcourse want to do it right this time. I ofcourse want to have a good time with him, that we once in awhile use to have, because those times were the best times in my life. I also know that he is easy to trigger. Before I knew about BPD I had a hard time putting words to how I felt about feeling like I had to be careful of every word I said, so he wouldnt shut down again.

I understand why that happens better now but I still need advice.

Many things happend that hurt both of us when we were together, and I know we have to talk about it but I dont know how to deal with it without triggering him again.

Also, he is having a hard time and his view of himself at the moment is very bad. I want to be there for him and hopefully make him feel better about himself, without forgetting myself in it again.

He is saying that he is afraid of commitment. I havent understood yet in which way he means it, as he has been overly good at commiting himself to other people before. When I asked him about it he immidiatly thought I was asking him to drop school and move to where I am. That is absolutely not what I want, I want him to do the things that makes him happy for him and I want to be supportive.

But I also need, if we are going to try again, that what happend the last time wont happen again, that he will get lonely and find someone else without telling me about it. I don't know how to say this without him feeling like I am making demands and trying to control him.

When I have pointed out earlier that forexample saying "I love you, I want to be with you, but not right now, maybe later" is not fair to another person, he got defensive and thinks I am calling him a monster basically, which I am not. Yesterday it seemed like he understood that part a little better though and when I said something that made him believe I was attacking him, I explained I wasnt and why I wasnt and then he could see he might had overreacted or was about to.

Writing this down, I also feel like I sound too desperate. Does it sound insane?

I do really love him, and I dont mind compromising for it to work, but how far should you compromise when the other person is a BPD?

Kind regards, once_toronto

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