Totally at an impasse and I don't know what to do...

[Parents! Get help here!]

So.  Two weeks ago, we got the diagnosis.  DS, 19, has a personality disorder, with both borderline and antisocial features.  Initially, he was going to see a counselor.  Now, he has quite his job (which he had for a full 3 weeks), and is content to sit around here, "hang out", smoke weed, and NOT speak with my wife, who is no longer living here because of his behavior.  She has reached out to him twice, but he has no interest in talking to her.  Why? Because she called him on his behavior. And, poor thing, she tried to tell me he had a problem with pot, but I was not interested in hearing it.  I tried talking with him this morning, which he called "talking at him", and he has told me that he doesn't need to see a counselor. He won't stop smoking weed.  He said he is going to school this fall, which is all well and good, but he has not done a thing with the school that accepted him and truthfully, I don't think he is mature enough.  I told him that I want my wife to live with me.  I want him to move out if he is not going to work on bettering himself.  It's like he's paralyzed.  He can't do anything for himself (unless it has to do with marijuana, in which case, he is an expert).  The thing is, he is actually very smart, and has great insight, except when he doesn't.  He did say to me that he knows I won't kick him out (although in the past, I have). He doesn't think I will follow through.  I don't know if giving him an ultimatum is a good idea or not, or setting a time line for him, or if I should step in and help him. 

Doing some of the reading here, I see that I have been a total enabler.  I have let him get away with so much in the interest of keeping the peace.  Now I don't know how to get out of the mess that I created.

[Stela]

So.  Two weeks ago, we got the diagnosis.  DS, 19, has a personality disorder, with both borderline and antisocial features.  Initially, he was going to see a counselor.  Now, he has quite his job (which he had for a full 3 weeks), and is content to sit around here, "hang out", smoke weed, and NOT speak with my wife, who is no longer living here because of his behavior.  She has reached out to him twice, but he has no interest in talking to her.  Why? Because she called him on his behavior. And, poor thing, she tried to tell me he had a problem with pot, but I was not interested in hearing it.  I tried talking with him this morning, which he called "talking at him", and he has told me that he doesn't need to see a counselor. He won't stop smoking weed.  He said he is going to school this fall, which is all well and good, but he has not done a thing with the school that accepted him and truthfully, I don't think he is mature enough.  I told him that I want my wife to live with me.  I want him to move out if he is not going to work on bettering himself.  It's like he's paralyzed.  He can't do anything for himself (unless it has to do with marijuana, in which case, he is an expert).  The thing is, he is actually very smart, and has great insight, except when he doesn't.  He did say to me that he knows I won't kick him out (although in the past, I have). He doesn't think I will follow through.  I don't know if giving him an ultimatum is a good idea or not, or setting a time line for him, or if I should step in and help him. 

Doing some of the reading here, I see that I have been a total enabler.  I have let him get away with so much in the interest of keeping the peace.  Now I don't know how to get out of the mess that I created.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Oh stela

My heart goes out to you. It's like my clock has reversed.

My BPDs25 sounds very like yours at 19.  My H and I have a long and sorry tale, like so many others in this forum.

I too was s total enabler and threw everything I had to fixing him, sorting out his problems. I was very much part of the problem, obsessed with having a son that fitted my life and expectations for him. Drug use very much complicated the issue, we reeled around for countless years suspecting that there was something underlying but couldn't say for sure because of the drug use.finally at 24, he was diagnosed and it was a relief for us all.

My BPDs25 is currently living at home and not seeking treatment. He uses weed to self medicate. He is stable. We have worked very hard at providing a stable and supportive environment following a serious spiral into suicidal ideation and inertia. We are seeing improvements but, honestly, this is down to a combination of us changing our own behaviours and him maturing,

From my own experience, I wouldn't allow either of my sons  to come in between my relationship with my partner. I prefer to try and find a way forward together as a family. God forbid I have to make a permanent choice. Our kids, particularly BPD, are very good at manipulating and in my case lying. So utterly selfish and only have a goal: shortcut to feeling better thus weed or any other drug that may appeal.

I found that by reading this site, watching videos, posting and reading the recommended books I've found a way forward with my family, it's not been easy but I've tried absolutely everything else. It appears to be working. We all see improvements and our relationships are much much better. The more I've learnt the less I react as I have a better understanding of BPDs limitations. He has learnt to trust us, that we won't react, that we are non judgmental and he's started to share his emotions. For the first time in10 years we have hope.

Regardless of him finding a way to live his life, we are determined to have s life of our own. We demonstrate how to live a good life (s best we can given the situation). We will retire in 4 years and he will not be living with us.

It's a process, small baby steps. My journey started a long time ago, I'm here now and finally getting answers and finding a way forward. Unbelievably, I now realise my BPDs is an orchid and needs nurturing - I make no apologies for this corny statement. We were a bit old school in our parenting style, We have a life we didn't expect, we accept our adult son may never have a happy fulfilled life but he will live independently. We have our own life. It'll take a while but we have plan regardless. He's an adult and will find a way to life without us.

I strongly recommend reading the tools and lessons, post, ask for feed back. Learn how to validate well. Stay focused  on your priorities. Ask for advice or rant any time.everyobe here understands and will give their own feedback and views.itsallabout finding what's comfortable and right for your own situation

I look forward to reading your posts.

[Giggy]

Thank you Lollypop this answer comes at a good time for me too.   You give me hope.  My BPDs37 is struggling and I am trying hard to detach.

[Stela]

Lolly,

That is exactly what I need to hear.  And honestly, there are times that I see glimpses of change and maturity in him.  And the neuropsych told us that some of his behavior is normal teenager.  I think it's just so mixed up with everything else that it's impossible to tell what's normal and what isn't.  What is very clear is that I need to change my thinking.  I have to stop being an enabler.  I just worry because I know that will create so much chaos and drama and I don't want to put my other children through it.

I will continue reading, and I will continue posting, and believe me... .I will vent!  Thank you for your very hopeful reply!

[Lollypop]

Hi

The first book I read is "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg

Highly recommended as it has useful practical validation phrases. It helped me get started.

[Lollypop]

Hi stelar

We've changed our thinking. We still find the enabling very hard! We'll get there. The fact that our BPDs is 25 makes this a whole lot easier for us. He's clearly an adult that should be taking full responsibility for himself. He's resistant! Now we understand BPD and his limitations we are better placed to support him in getting him independent. Teenager hood is so very tricky! We used to (and still do sometimes) make wrong decisions because of fear, obligation or guilt. We used to do a dance in challenging situations, now I'm much more confident and stand my ground.

Hi giggy

I only started to detach after my grief. I lost a son that I'd never have and I had such high hopes for him. With a better relationship and me finally understanding that he's not my responsibility I can see him for what he is: bright, funny, loving, intelligent and confused young man. Reading and understanding BPD is critical to making these changes in ourselves. A year ago I couldn't think of one good thing to say about my son, I resented and disliked him so. I stopped caring and we were all just so very unhappy. I pretended. I know better now. I accept he may never seek treatment, he may never have a fulfilled happy life, he may smoke weed forever but he will live his own life, independently. I will live mine. We will have a loving and supportive relationship - ha ha, working on that one! Stay strong

[lbjnltx]

Hi Stela,

I just wanted to pop in and say

You are taking some important first steps in turning things around, good for you!

lbj