Struggling today

[insideoutside]

Today marks 4 weeks since my friend text me 'i accept your apology but leave it alone now' after I text him a fair few angry messages after he moved the goalposts again for the umpteenth time.  He told me he is bipolar with other issues and after reading up on BPD I'm sure he also suffers with this.  If I had realised him changing the goalposts was perhaps him withdrawing as we had got close again I would have handled it better.  I stupidly blurted out that I couldn't do it anymore; he wasn't good for me as I was in love with him.  What the heck was I thinking as I knew he wouldn't react well to that; even though only the week before him telling me I was just as pretty as I was 20+ years ago and could feel he really valued our friendship.

Four weeks I've been hoping he'd contact me.  I've reached out 3 times but to no avail.  I'm too scared to try again for fear of rejection myself.

[rfriesen]

izzybusy, I really feel for you. It's so painful feeling like you might be able to get through to them and they might finally be able to express and show that they value your friendship/love/concern/effort. After some progress in detaching from my ex, I've come to believe that deep down she really did value all I gave her and how hard I worked to stay kind and loving in the face of her hurtful behaviour ... .but she's just not able to hold onto that feeling inside herself and doesn't know how to express it or show it, because she's so terrified of being rejected herself or of being unable to make it work or ... .I don't know. I'm not sure this is any help to you, but it may well be that your friend truly does care and value your friendship, but is just too emotionally disrupted to act consistently and kindly towards you. It's very hard and painful to accept that. I hope you take care of and look out for yourself.

[insideoutside]

izzybusy, I really feel for you. It's so painful feeling like you might be able to get through to them and they might finally be able to express and show that they value your friendship/love/concern/effort. After some progress in detaching from my ex, I've come to believe that deep down she really did value all I gave her and how hard I worked to stay kind and loving in the face of her hurtful behaviour ... .but she's just not able to hold onto that feeling inside herself and doesn't know how to express it or show it, because she's so terrified of being rejected herself or of being unable to make it work or ... .I don't know. I'm not sure this is any help to you, but it may well be that your friend truly does care and value your friendship, but is just too emotionally disrupted to act consistently and kindly towards you. It's very hard and painful to accept that. I hope you take care of and look out for yourself.

Thank you for replying.

He's back on Facebook; he deleted his Facebook on October as he doesn't do social media and it was always set so nobody could add him as a friend but just message him.  I just looked him up today and he's back on there; he wasn't last week.  I'm not sure why; maybe he's hoping that some other ex's might seek him out and look him up or do you think he's hoping I'll reach out that way even though I've tried to reach out by email?

My heart is racing and in my throat.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey izzy, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  My advice is: do nothing.  It's hard, I know, but I think it's important to let go, for now.  If he wanted to reach out to you, I have to think he would have done it already.  Suggest you give him space.  I know that's probably not what you want to hear.  To me, Facebook has nothing to do with you.  Suggest you stay away from his FB account.  As rfriesen suggests, it's time to take care of YOU.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.

LuckyJim

[insideoutside]

Hey izzy, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  My advice is: do nothing.  It's hard, I know, but I think it's important to let go, for now.  If he wanted to reach out to you, I have to think he would have done it already.  Suggest you give him space.  I know that's probably not what you want to hear.  To me, Facebook has nothing to do with you.  Suggest you stay away from his FB account.  As rfriesen suggests, it's time to take care of YOU.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.

LuckyJim

Thanks LuckyJim

One of the times before when he gave me the silent treatment he reactivated his FB and messaged me claiming to have 'lost his phone' and it was a drama filled message; so I'm a bit sceptical why he's reactivated it as he doesn't do social media.  It's set to strict again so I can't see anything on it anyway but I'm glad he's reactivated it because at least I know he's ok and I'm can kinda stop worrying about him so much.

I won't reach out though; it has to come from him now.  It will be interesting to see if blocks me as I'm sure he's blocked my phone and email.

[sweet tooth]

I went through a similar situation. My wishy-washy BPD told me there was "no spark" between us (even though we were hanging out together for 11 months). I lost it and told her I never cared about anybody as much as I care about her. She told me she needed space. I messaged her two weeks later and she said nit to contact her again. It hurt. It STILL hurts after two months.

Let it go for now. He's giving you the Silent Treatment, as mine routinely gave me. It's not fair. Normal people would talk about this stuff rather than give STs or emotionally cut the person off. It's all part of the illness.

If he wants to get in touch he will. Here's what you can do in the meantime:

1. Decide where you want this to go.

2. Think about why you tolerate such childish behavior.

3. Work on improving your self esteem.

4. Seek therapy to help you sort out your feelings.

5. Examine your past relationships and see if there are patterns.

6. Examine the dynamics of your Family of Origin and see if it affected your adult relationships.

7. Come up with a plan of how you will respond if/when he decides to contact you. 

You might be stuck in a trauma bond. I suggest you look up that term and deduce whether or not you are (my hunch is yes, or else you would have already let it go). Good luck.

[sweet tooth]

Mine also deactivated FB last summer. I get the impression that she monitors me on there, though. When we had our blowup she asked me to take down the pics of us on Facebook. There was no way of her to have known about them unless she re-activated it and looked. I also caught her monitoring me on LinkedIn. At first it kept saying she viewed my profile. Then she got sneaky about it and changed her settings so it says "A Private Member" viewed my profile. I get those frequently now and it creeps me out.

[insideoutside]

Thanks for responding.

His Facebook is still reactivated and still only an option for messaging.  I thought he would had blocked me so I don't know what he's up to.  Might be nothing to do with me why he's reactivated it; who knows what is going through his head.  He still hasn't reached out and it's been 30 days now so I guess that's that.

I won't reach out again; I'm not going to beg and plead him for his friendship. 

I do have my own issues with rejection and abandonment so I have my own demons to deal with but I did think we could have helped each other.  Obviously my friendship wasn't enough in the end.

[sweet tooth]

Thanks for responding.

His Facebook is still reactivated and still only an option for messaging.  I thought he would had blocked me so I don't know what he's up to.  Might be nothing to do with me why he's reactivated it; who knows what is going through his head.  He still hasn't reached out and it's been 30 days now so I guess that's that.

I won't reach out again; I'm not going to beg and plead him for his friendship. 

I do have my own issues with rejection and abandonment so I have my own demons to deal with but I did think we could have helped each other.  Obviously my friendship wasn't enough in the end.

If he didn't block you then he probably wants the option to be there... .when HE decides and on HIS terms.

[Herodias]

Sorry you are in a bad state of mind now... .You know what you need to do, but I understand how it feels. My ex and I broke up several times and got back together... .Each time back things got worse. As hard as it is, try and take care of you. Reach out to family and friends. Hugs-

[insideoutside]

Sorry you are in a bad state of mind now... .You know what you need to do, but I understand how it feels. My ex and I broke up several times and got back together... .Each time back things got worse. As hard as it is, try and take care of you. Reach out to family and friends. Hugs-

Thank you Herodias

I desperately want to be his friend; apart from the push/pull we got on so well and I could tell he was struggling with his emotions but didn't connect it was BPD.  He said he had bipolar and other issues but wouldn't tell me what the other issues were.  It wasn't until my counsellor suggested he might have a personality disorder that I started to research it and things clicked.

I'm ok at the moment; since he reactivated Facebook I've got peace of mind that he's ok. I care about him very much; he has a special place in my heart and not being in contact with him makes me worry as I don't know what's going on with him, so it has helped me to know that he seems to be ok.