Character Witnesses Being Called to Court

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

BPDexgf and her ex husband are constantly having legal issues (kids involved).  He's hinted to me that his side would want information from me about her.  I really do not want to be part of it.  Can I really be called to testify in court against her?  I'm not looking for opinions, just actual occurrences of this ever happening, to include if you've heard of it.  I can picture being grilled by her attorney on everything I've ever told her.  I would think an ex boyfriend would not be a credible witness because I would seem biased.  If you have heard of it, would you recommend I get a lawyer?

[Frank88]

BPDexgf and her ex husband are constantly having legal issues (kids involved).  He's hinted to me that his side would want information from me about her.  I really do not want to be part of it.  Can I really be called to testify in court against her?  I'm not looking for opinions, just actual occurrences of this ever happening, to include if you've heard of it.  I can picture being grilled by her attorney on everything I've ever told her.  I would think an ex boyfriend would not be a credible witness because I would seem biased.  If you have heard of it, would you recommend I get a lawyer?

[ForeverDad]

Well, it's probably not very common.  I had relatives that worried about being called to testify.  They weren't.  Frankly long ago I came to the conclusion that family court prefers to have the testimony and entered documents as skimpy as possible so it can (1) move on to the next case, (2) exercise 'discretion' in decisions and (3) be less likely to have a decision appealed since appeals can only be based on submitted documents and testimony.

Understand that writing a statement is insufficient response.  As my lawyer used to say, "I can't cross examine a piece of paper."  Rather than going on the stand in court it might be possible to limit it to a deposition, testimony given outside the courtroom.  That would still expose you to questioning by both sides.

Is he thinking that your testimony would be helpful as history to corroborate his testimony that she is volatile and can be abusive?

If it helps, think about what would be most helpful for the children.  Or put yourself in his place, would you have appreciated such supportive testimony?

One more thought... .Courts often split people into two - their adult behaviors are largely ignored (as impacting less the parenting decisions) and more weight is given to their parenting behaviors.  Understand that perspective too.  Would you be asked to relate her adult behaviors (less of a concern to court) or her parenting behaviors?

[Frank88]

ForeverDad: Great points.  He is thinking that my testimony would confirm her volatility, and prove that he is not as bad as she has made him out to be to everyone.  Also, most of what I would end up corroborating would be her adult behavior and not how she was with the kids.  And to put myself in his shoes, yes, I would have appreciated someone's support/testimony.  The whole thing is making it hard to detach.  In the end I think he will have plenty of proof without me having to get involved.  My guess is right now he is thinking that it will help, but has not discussed it with anyone professionally. 

[DoxieLover]

Several years ago, my husband was asked to testify against his ex wife in court by her boyfriend at the time for the same reasons you mentioned you are being asked to testify. Like you, my husband didn't want to get caught in the middle so he said no to testifying.  So then the boyfriend's attorney subpoena'd my husband.  Fortunately, an agreement was reached on the courthouse steps on court day and my husband didn't end up having to testify but it was definitely a close call.

I definitely feel your pain. You don't want to be caught in the middle but also would want help if the tables were turned.  I'll be praying that it gets worked out without you having to get sucked into the mess.

[Nope]

The father of uBPDm's youngest came to court to testify for DH. We didn't have to subpoena him to do so. He was angry and eager since we gave his L information that got him temporary emergency custody at the time. He came to testify for our emergency hearing centered around uBPDm living with a felon boyfriend who was beating her in front of the youngest (our two were with us for the summer at the time). Besides the felon boyfriend, our main argument was that uBPDm's poor decision making continuously put the kids at risk when they were in her care. So when the ex boyfriend got up to testify and uBPDm's L started tearing into him for his own bad behaviors during their relationship our L just sat back and smiled. Her L was making our case for us!

But the thing of note is that I can't tell you if testifying for us made her ex's life any harder after the fact. Yes, she blocks his access to their D6, but she did that before. Yes, she's even nastier during exchanges, but she now has a new boyfriend standing right their backing her up. Yes, she is paranoid that he isn't safe for their D6 to be with, but it appears he has made up a story in her head where she is the good responsible hero mother and he is the villian, because she felt like she was made the bad guy and DH was seen as the hero with the two older kids. So I think any reasoning that actually had to do with revenge was a lot more short lived than you might think, if that's a concern for you.

[Frank88]

I'm certainly not looking to get back at my ex. She will make her life hard without me.  I just know that in order for me to live my life and be normal, I need to get away from all of this.  Plus, I suspect this will be going on for some time.  Also, I may be the only BF in recent history that has stood up to her and walked away, so the ex wants me on his team so to say, even though we had our issues in the past.  I'm aware that 100% custody is difficult to obtain, so anything that goes on in the courts will probably just be throwing salt on wounds.  From what I've been able to determine, subpoenaening someone is fairly easy for a lawyer to do.  Hopefully for the children's sake this gets sorted out soon.  Neutral third parties have told me many times to get away, and fast.  "It's not your problem anymore."