Really wanting to break NC... Please help.

[myselfandi]

Hi everyone,

It's been just over a week of NC with my ex BPD bf. I blocked his number a week ago when I knew I couldn't bear the pain of him texting me telling me how much he loves me but not wanting to work on himself or the relationship and making up every excuse in the book as to why we wouldn't work. This has been the longest we have ever went without talking and I am really really struggling at the moment. I just want to tell him I love him and I'm thinking about him, but I also know he doesn't even deserve that validation from me at this point.

Thoughts going through my head are:

- How much is he thinking about me?

- Does he miss me?

- Is he talking to someone else?

- Has he even tried texting me? If so, did he notice I blocked him and just decided to give up?

[Hadlee]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  It's incredibly difficult to get through those times.  The questions are ones we have all asked, probably over and over throughout our journey in detaching from our ex.

We often go back and forth on wanting to reach out to them just like they do with us.  However, there does come a point when we need to shift the focus to us instead of the pwBPD.  In order for us to heal, we need to grieve the loss of the relationship and the person we loved with every ounce of our being.  I understand how great the loss is and the pain... .well, it's excruciating. 

If your relationship is truly over then take baby steps on the road to recovery.  Be kind to yourself.  It's cliche, but it takes time to work through our feelings and heal from the trauma.

Sending hugs your way

[myselfandi]

Thank you busygall.

The pain truly is awful at moments. When I keep myself busy and talk about it with the people close to me I seem to feel much better. This was the first day/night that I have really been alone and clearly it is hard on me. If I was being honest with myself I don't want the relationship to be over even though I know it has to be. We have hit the point where he isn't ready to face what is going on and I have to find it in me to accept that.

My heart is broken and I can't stop thinking about how he is probably just fine right now.

[heartandwhole]

Hi myselfandi,

I'm sorry you are hurting.   Boy, do I know that feeling. It is hard to get through. I'm glad you posted and are reaching out to friends and family. Keep doing that, it is so important and will speed your recovery.

If you can, it is really helpful to focus less on the stories running through your head and more on the physical sensations in your body. For example, how does what you call loneliness feel in your physical self? Sometimes we feel numb or have trouble noticing any bodily sensations, and that's okay, just notice that if it's the case for you.

During the rough moments when you feel an urgency to reach out, drop into the physical if you can and pay attention to your breathing. Then keep feeling whatever is there, because it will pass. It sounds so simple, but most of us don't do it.

And keep posting. We're here to listen and learn from your experiences. 

heartandwhole

[Caley]

Hi everyone,

It's been just over a week of NC with my ex BPD bf. I blocked his number a week ago when I knew I couldn't bear the pain of him texting me telling me how much he loves me but not wanting to work on himself or the relationship and making up every excuse in the book as to why we wouldn't work. This has been the longest we have ever went without talking and I am really really struggling at the moment. I just want to tell him I love him and I'm thinking about him, but I also know he doesn't even deserve that validation from me at this point.

Thoughts going through my head are:

- How much is he thinking about me?

- Does he miss me?

- Is he talking to someone else?

- Has he even tried texting me? If so, did he notice I blocked him and just decided to give up?

Dear Myselfandi,

I have shared your suffering. I totally 'get it'. There are so many people here that really do understand the pain you are experiencing.

The truth:

1. He is a 'shiite' and doesn't deserve you.

2. He knows you would and do love him ... that's why he chose you ... he also knows he can commit all kinds of emotional atrocities against you and you will 'forgive' him.

3. He misses how you can make him feel good about him ... he has no capacity to consider your 'needs' because he is too busy catering to his own.

4. Yes ... it is very likely he is 'talking' to someone else ... and when he is done with them he'll be 'talking' to someone else after that.

It sounds like you 'reacted' to his poor behaviour of you and thought the best course of action was to block his number. And, at the time it 'seemed' like a good idea but you now regret it.

This 'chap' will lead you around and around and mess up your head, and heart, even more than he already has if you let him.

It is my experience that you'll seek advice and validation here ... which will all 'feel' accurate and 'on the nail'. But, I also know that he'll be back ... and you'll take him back ... and then he will abuse you again. So, it makes me wonder why so many of us here try to warn people off and promote the benefits of NC (completely ... perhaps it should be re-termed 'Never Contact' again) when, for the majority, it is a necessary step to 'try again' with 'them' until you are utterly convinced to take the door marked 'EXIT'.

All the best ... x

Caley.

[myselfandi]

Thank you guys.

I know its very important to not let my thoughts take over and drive me to the dark places. I know he is emotionally unavailable and our relationship got to the point where he just completely shut down because he knew he didn't want to work on his issues. I honestly think he would rather be homeless and alone then work on what's going on inside him. It's really sad. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am worthy of unconditional love and I will find that one day.

During NC I thought that everyday would get a little bit easier, and don't get me wrong it does. But it also gets harder all at the same time. I keep thinking its one more day for him to be over me. And that pains my heart down to the core.

Thank you for all the support. I am continually going to reach out here so I don't make the mistake of reaching out to him and setting myself ten steps back.