What is your central question?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been thinking that my continued sadness and trying to figure out what happened is really about a bigger question than; why did she leave me.  

So, thought I would put it out on the board in an informal survey format to see if others have had the same idea and what they think.

If you had to say that your sadness and longing was attributable to something other than the loss of your BPD relationship, what would it be?

For the moment, my answer is that I longed for the family connection that I never had as a child and hoped that my marriage would provide it for me.

If I use this answer, perhaps it will yield a new direction for me to follow or even any direction at all.  Going a step further, I realize the only thing that has kept me from achieving my longing is my own fear of having the same and that fear is the result of trying to avoid reliving the past hurts and traumas.  Ironically, that is just what I ended up doing with my ex and still did not achieve my intended result.  

Some days, when I feel strong, I think to myself; Joe, you can do it buddy, let the past be past, just step up and step out and claim your life.  Other times I simply feel victimized and demoralized and helpless.  Guess this question is my attempt to formulate the problem in a different light so I can move forward.  I can do nothing about her, so what can I do about me?

Anyone care to offer their ideas?

[joeramabeme]

I have been thinking that my continued sadness and trying to figure out what happened is really about a bigger question than; why did she leave me.  

So, thought I would put it out on the board in an informal survey format to see if others have had the same idea and what they think.

If you had to say that your sadness and longing was attributable to something other than the loss of your BPD relationship, what would it be?

For the moment, my answer is that I longed for the family connection that I never had as a child and hoped that my marriage would provide it for me.

If I use this answer, perhaps it will yield a new direction for me to follow or even any direction at all.  Going a step further, I realize the only thing that has kept me from achieving my longing is my own fear of having the same and that fear is the result of trying to avoid reliving the past hurts and traumas.  Ironically, that is just what I ended up doing with my ex and still did not achieve my intended result.  

Some days, when I feel strong, I think to myself; Joe, you can do it buddy, let the past be past, just step up and step out and claim your life.  Other times I simply feel victimized and demoralized and helpless.  Guess this question is my attempt to formulate the problem in a different light so I can move forward.  I can do nothing about her, so what can I do about me?

Anyone care to offer their ideas?

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'm a fan of the logic: "Act as if, and the feelings will follow".  You may not feel like socializing, but once you get out there, you will feel more comfortable.  Try joining in on some group activities.  Some people use Google Meet Ups.  Opportunities to join in on some group hikes, walks, photography adventures, etc.  Just go out and have some fun and maybe learn a new hobby or sport. 

Life is short.  You can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go have some fun!  You have already thought about the worst thing that can happen.  The odds are that your worst fears won't happen. 

So, plan to have a great Summer!  Take the first step and look for some fun opportunities. 

[purekalm]

joeramabeme,

I'm still currently married but he has left me literally and in every other way so many times throughout our marriage wherein I tried to let him go and went through different stages of grief and all that I can relate to the sadness.

I realized a couple years back that I did the same thing with my husband, yet I didn't fully accept it for at least a year after that. My mom and dad pretty much both abandoned me (and my siblings) to fight each other and be completely engrossed in their own issues and pain to really realize what they had done and continued to do to us. I never got that connection, that feeling that I was accepted for just being me, faults and all.

Because of that I went into my marriage too quickly with basically the first guy to really ever act like he cared and give me attention when I was 23. I fell in love with the thought that I might not have to be alone and in pain and he could somehow "save" me from all the pain. Instead, he created more chaos and pain and... .I just about completely broke.

I know that not everyone believes in God, but for me, my faith in him was the only thing that kept me going when I was so lifeless. It has taken me forever but even though I sometimes don't want it to be true and crave the connection of another human who will accept me, I finally got a hold of the fact that all my joy, peace, love and acceptance comes from who I am in him. Everyone else can add to my joy and all, but it doesn't come from them. No one can control me if I don't rely on them for my very happiness, which I did. If I couldn't fix it, make it right, be good enough, then I deserved their crazy attitudes and to be in the dog house so to speak. I'm still working on this for sure, old habits die hard.

I swing the pendulum myself with that, like ok you got it, buck up... .and then other days so overwhelmed by everything that's happened and everything I still have to work on. It took me SO long to realize that I could not change him, and I recoiled that I needed to change instead. I was not the problem right? Well, I've got more issues than I care to share.  

But I think it's that co dependency we learn from not getting what we needed as children. I never even knew that's what I was doing, I felt like a leech. Even though I was giving my all and not receiving hardly anything in return, I was the one latched on hoping to live off of the praise or smile or any type of approval from him. I was ashamed of myself, what in the world was I doing? I had to take myself off, and you can imagine I thought I'd die, (not literally) but I found I could live.   I think it took a while but I had to really accept that all the things I went through as a kid was not my fault or responsibility to fix, and I had to focus on my own healing and not trying to 'save' or 'fix' everyone else. It took a long time to even start because I knew people in love with themselves and had to search to find an image of people that just loved themselves but weren't 'in love' with themselves, there's a difference.  

My question would probably be, since I can't change him, and I can't go back in time to get what I truly needed from my parents, I need to be healed of all the pain to feel whole, so where do I start? (I think personally it's accepting the harsh reality and not diminishing the pain first.)    

Sorry I've rambled so long, your post just rings so familiar to me. I hope others post as well and you can maybe find the answer you're looking for.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

P.S. I also agree with Naughty Nibbler that getting out and NOT dwelling on it all the time will help pick up your mood. I know when I can get the opportunity to just get out and walk I feel lighter and my problems don't loom as large. 

[Turkish]

If you had to say that your sadness and longing was attributable to something other than the loss of your BPD relationship, what would it be?

For the moment, my answer is that I longed for the family connection that I never had as a child and hoped that my marriage would provide it for me.

Exactly this, despite the fact that she telegraphed instability from the very beginning. What was i thinking, that forming a family would be successful?

I can forgive her for cheating, but it's the destruction of our family that angers me still. Being an older dad with little kids, I won't do it again. So I feel at a crossroads as well. I'm a little too old to join the "singles" activity group at church, and though I do some volunteering, I met my Ex doing youth mentoring, so I'm loathe to get deeply involved in volunteer work again.

I'm hermitting right now. I'm even thinking of selling my sport bike, after having ridden for 31 years 

[Sunfl0wer]

Am I lovable?

This is what quickly comes to mind.  Yet, when I am looking to be loved by an external force, then I am not getting it from within, so it ends up being a bit self defeating, with continued chasing of external source.

[Narkiss]

Turkish: Please don't get rid of your bike, if you are doing it out of anger.

My main question is why did this happen and what am I to learn from it about what I need and want. The second question is a lot harder. The sadness, I think, comes from the fact that I took care of my parents emotionally, particularly my father. I grew up feeling that deep down there was something wrong with me and I was unlovable. I learned how to win or earn love by taking care of others and also by being exciting, interesting, charming... .I found emotionally unavailable men and I was pretty emotionally unavailable myself. This is the first relationship where I let myself be emotionally vulnerable and open, where I desired intimacy. And it was with the wrong person. And I am afraid I will never find it again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe, Yes, you can do it, buddy.  Maybe you are looking for someone else to fill that empty place inside -- that family connection you longed for as a child?  Maybe you are looking for someone else to provide you with self-worth and value?  The starting place, I suggest, is learning to love yourself, which sounds easy but is hard.  It's about sourcing your value and worth from within.  It's about validating yourself and finding your self-esteem inside yourself.  It's about feeling complete all within yourself.  It's also about accepting that you're human and make mistakes, and OK just the way you are.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

P.S. Turkish: Hang onto that sport bike -- it's an important expression of who you are.

[jhkbuzz]

If you had to say that your sadness and longing was attributable to something other than the loss of your BPD relationship, what would it be?

For the moment, my answer is that I longed for the family connection that I never had as a child and hoped that my marriage would provide it for me.

Exactly this, despite the fact that she telegraphed instability from the very beginning. What was i thinking, that forming a family would be successful?

I can forgive her for cheating, but it's the destruction of our family that angers me still. Being an older dad with little kids, I won't do it again. So I feel at a crossroads as well. I'm a little too old to join the "singles" activity group at church, and though I do some volunteering, I met my Ex doing youth mentoring, so I'm loathe to get deeply involved in volunteer work again.

I'm hermitting right now. I'm even thinking of selling my sport bike, after having ridden for 31 years 

I can understand the "hermitting" impulse - and I think an occasional "retreat" can be good for the soul. I've done it myself. But none of what you've written sounds exactly... .healthy, Turkish. It's as if you think that if you block out the whole world (and the chance at another r/s) then you never have to worry about being hurt. The truth is that you (and I and everyone else posting) likely has some early childhood trauma that left us with beliefs about ourselves and the world that led us into these r/s's. Do the inner work; that's your journey. Building walls against the world will only make you more deeply unhappy - the exact opposite of what you want.

Right?

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely said, JHK.  Totally agree.  LJ

[valet]

Hey Joe, I don't think that we can just 'let the past be the last'. By hook or by crook, it tends to happen on its own. A lot of work must be done first, and I think it takes some longer than others to get the gist of things. There's no helping that or accelerating the process... .I think it's largely a matter of circumstance and luck. This is why some members here struggle more than others. We can only learn through experience. I'd gauge that a BPD relationship is big time experience for us, who were/are less emotionally mature than some of our healthier peers. That said, this isn't a bad thing. It is all part of accepting ourselves for who WE are. THIS is true maturity—knowing ourselves enough to not let others define who WE are.

It sounds like you're learning to accept your ex and begin to let go of her. That's hard and it takes a long time. You'll know when you're done enough with that process. From there life kind of fills itself up. Trust yourself. Listen to yourself. All of us are capable of some pretty amazing things. Keep that faith, even it has to remain at a distance for a while.