How do you know if a BPD parent is dangerous?

[Lalasalad]

I'm curious to know how we are supposed to know if a BPD parent is dangerous? It's hard to tell with all the questionable behavior.

My BPD mom has me concerned, as when I moved out and started a family she really went crazy (threats of suicide, ruining my credit, not showing up to work or answering calls so I'd have to check on her, threatened to drag me back home even though I'm an adult ect). How far will they go if they perceive us leaving? What about when they become obsessed in the same way with grandchildren? Would they be a danger to the children?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there!

I see you are new, so Welcome!

I suppose it depends on exactly what you mean by labeling her "dangerous."

Anyone making threats of self harm, are at that time, a danger to themself.

Anyone who is abusing you financially, is a danger your well being.

While a fire may be dangerous in Montana to a forest, is it a danger to me?  Yes, it is dangerous that fire, but the context of the danger matters in how we relate to that and protect ourself.

Simply: So it sounds like your mom has tendencies to behave in a manner that is harmful to herself and others.

It also sounds like you have been harmed by her.

What is the specific situation right now that is of concern?

In what ways do you feel she will cause harm, and to whom, by what means are you fearing?

This will likely lead to ways we can support you more specifically to ensure you and your children are safe from harm. 

[Please help]

Great question. One thing i have realized is BPD's are dealing with a different moral compass and perceive reality mush differently than non's.

To answer your question; always keep yourself and your family protected. Do not get "lulled" into thinking parent simply wants to play grandma / grandpa for the weekend. That is irresponsible on your part.

[HappyChappy]

Lalasalad,

Welcome to the forum. I've often read past behaviour is the best indication of future behaviour, with someone with BPD.  Worry about the behaviour, not the label. Detachment is their main worry, so having seen your mother go through that is helpful for you to assess the risk. Social workers, are also trained in spotting the signs, so you can always refer to them if in doubt.

But never forget a BPD is also keen to keep up appearances, so being in company is a good way to temper their behaviour. If in doubt, avoid being alone with them. Also be wary of Sadistic behaviour, drug addictions, or an absence of respect for the law, or fearlessness. I hope that helps. 

[Pilpel]

I wonder this all the time.  I have a SIL that is uN/BPD, and a BIL from the other side of the family that has some kind of mental issues.  They both have problems with rage, and it can be scary.  My SIL can act out in resentment --and she's so clearly resentful about things that are just offenses that she made up in her head.  And when I try to talk to her about how she treats -for instance- my elderly mom, she comes up with the most elaborate reasons why she was justified in acting out her hostility.  I do think she has a moral compass. I don't think she would ever cause physical harm to someone.  But she is very capable of verbal and emotional abuse.  And I have made it clear to extended family that she should never be a guardian for my kids if anything should happen to me.  And I would never allow her to be a caretaker for my parents.  

How did your mom treat you when you were a kid?  :)id you ever feel like your life was ever in danger from her?  :)o you think she may be worse or more unstable now?  :)oes she ever treat them in a way that concerns you?

I know this is a tricky line to walk.  Because you don't want to reveal to your mom that you're concerned. But if you're unsure of how safe your kids would be with your mother, you probably shouldn't leave them alone with her.  If she wants to have the kids over-night, come up with some reasonable, polite excuse.