Why did I stay? Why did you?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After reading many different posts on here I've just had a bit of a breakthrough. I've read about some the BPD's you all have married, dated, broken up with, are still trying to make it work, etc. I've read about the horrible, horrible things that you have gone through. It triggered my memories of the horrible things I went through as well.

I've spent the last month, idealizing my ex. Remembering all the good times and things, surprisingly there were quite a few. I just couldn't remember the feelings of panic, anxiety, despair, sadness, hurt, uncertainty, betrayal, and anger that I had for almost the entire relationship.

Hardly a day went by that one or more of these emotions flooded through me because of my exBPD. Reading some of your stories, about how you felt, and the awful things your pwBPD did has finally opened that back up for me. Don't get me wrong I know that these feelings of good and bad will go up and down for me. Those of you who've been through a BPD breakup most certainly understand that. I just sit here and wonder, how could I possibly live the rest of my life like that? Day to day not knowing if she's cheating, or lying, or will break up with me at the drop of a hat?

This caused me to think, why? Why did I stay? Why does it hurt me so much to be gone? It's a complicated question but maybe the answer is less complicated.

The first part is love. I know there are many things I hated about my exBPD, I'm sure you all are well aware of how cruel and uncaring they can be at times. I hated that! But I also loved her. When she was functioning she and I had a connection I could write poems about. We fit, not even through the mirroring aspect, just the weird quirks and strange ideas we shared that made us strangely perfect. She use to say we fit like puzzle pieces.

So that's the first reason, and I'm sure many of yours' same reason. I think the next reason has to do completely with me. I had a strange childhood. I had an overbearing and overly protective mother. She never allowed me to do much with friends so I felt isolated and like an outsider much of my childhood. I basically spent the first 15 years of my life by myself watching tv and binge eating fast food.

In my late teens I got tired of living like that, I wanted love and validation from people, not isolation. So I decided I had to transform myself. Be better so people wanted me around and liked me. I lost 60 pounds, worked out everyday, joined sports teams, made new popular friends. It was great. I was desperately trying to catch up my social skills to everyone else's, I was about 5 years behind my whole life. Because of this and my isolated and overweight teen years I developed an extremely low self worth, and a extremely high competitive outlook.

From my experience the only way you get what you want was to be better or the best. You had to be better dressed, have the best friends, best personality, best body, best intellect. If I was better or the best, my life would be better nobody could isolate me or push me away because who's better than me! That type of thinking trapped me in this relationship with my exBPD. I had found someone who saw me as the best! Their actions and words showed it. It was the most validating experience ever. I know it was infatuation or the honeymoon phase. But that feeling hooked me, due to my own self feelings. When she began to devalue me, which is part of BPD nature, I could not accept it! It was like ripping me apart, I lost the identity of what I thought I was, especially to her. I was no longer one of the best, I was worthless. I couldn't feel that way it sunk me into an abyss. So I made allowances, lied to myself, and ignored the obvious, all so I could cling to the validation I needed for my own self worth. That's the second reason I stayed. I don't know your history, how you feel about yourself, or why you stayed, but I would love to get some feedback on this. Peace and blessings guys!

[KarmasReal]

After reading many different posts on here I've just had a bit of a breakthrough. I've read about some the BPD's you all have married, dated, broken up with, are still trying to make it work, etc. I've read about the horrible, horrible things that you have gone through. It triggered my memories of the horrible things I went through as well.

I've spent the last month, idealizing my ex. Remembering all the good times and things, surprisingly there were quite a few. I just couldn't remember the feelings of panic, anxiety, despair, sadness, hurt, uncertainty, betrayal, and anger that I had for almost the entire relationship.

Hardly a day went by that one or more of these emotions flooded through me because of my exBPD. Reading some of your stories, about how you felt, and the awful things your pwBPD did has finally opened that back up for me. Don't get me wrong I know that these feelings of good and bad will go up and down for me. Those of you who've been through a BPD breakup most certainly understand that. I just sit here and wonder, how could I possibly live the rest of my life like that? Day to day not knowing if she's cheating, or lying, or will break up with me at the drop of a hat?

This caused me to think, why? Why did I stay? Why does it hurt me so much to be gone? It's a complicated question but maybe the answer is less complicated.

The first part is love. I know there are many things I hated about my exBPD, I'm sure you all are well aware of how cruel and uncaring they can be at times. I hated that! But I also loved her. When she was functioning she and I had a connection I could write poems about. We fit, not even through the mirroring aspect, just the weird quirks and strange ideas we shared that made us strangely perfect. She use to say we fit like puzzle pieces.

So that's the first reason, and I'm sure many of yours' same reason. I think the next reason has to do completely with me. I had a strange childhood. I had an overbearing and overly protective mother. She never allowed me to do much with friends so I felt isolated and like an outsider much of my childhood. I basically spent the first 15 years of my life by myself watching tv and binge eating fast food.

In my late teens I got tired of living like that, I wanted love and validation from people, not isolation. So I decided I had to transform myself. Be better so people wanted me around and liked me. I lost 60 pounds, worked out everyday, joined sports teams, made new popular friends. It was great. I was desperately trying to catch up my social skills to everyone else's, I was about 5 years behind my whole life. Because of this and my isolated and overweight teen years I developed an extremely low self worth, and a extremely high competitive outlook.

From my experience the only way you get what you want was to be better or the best. You had to be better dressed, have the best friends, best personality, best body, best intellect. If I was better or the best, my life would be better nobody could isolate me or push me away because who's better than me! That type of thinking trapped me in this relationship with my exBPD. I had found someone who saw me as the best! Their actions and words showed it. It was the most validating experience ever. I know it was infatuation or the honeymoon phase. But that feeling hooked me, due to my own self feelings. When she began to devalue me, which is part of BPD nature, I could not accept it! It was like ripping me apart, I lost the identity of what I thought I was, especially to her. I was no longer one of the best, I was worthless. I couldn't feel that way it sunk me into an abyss. So I made allowances, lied to myself, and ignored the obvious, all so I could cling to the validation I needed for my own self worth. That's the second reason I stayed. I don't know your history, how you feel about yourself, or why you stayed, but I would love to get some feedback on this. Peace and blessings guys!

[balletomane]

I stayed because I loved him. We'd had a great friendship for several years before becoming a couple, we shared a sense of humour, we could talk for hours. I stayed because I remembered that. His behaviour really changed once I was his girlfriend, but I thought that the person he'd been was the 'real' him, and he couldn't have just disappeared. I stayed because I hadn't yet realised that unpredictability and volatility were part of the 'real' him and that things would never return to how they were. I stayed because I was afraid to leave. Even when I was miserable and anxious and feeling as though I were inching my way through landmines, never mind walking on eggshells, I thought this had to be better than nothing. I couldn't imagine being without his friendship, and I knew that I was unlikely to be able to extricate myself from this relationship without serious fallout, so I decided that the best option was to maintain the situation as it was. I stayed because I had no idea how bad things would eventually get. I stayed because I didn't want to be the bad guy who broke things up. I actually remember hoping that if it came down to it, it would be my ex who hurt me, not the other way round. I had a funny feeling he'd cheat on me. I was right. I stayed because the gaslighting was bad and at times I doubted my own judgments and perceptions. On the days he was nice and loving I would query my interpretation of the days when he hadn't been, decide I'd been overreacting. I stayed because I was very isolated by this point and it felt like he was the only good friend I had. I stayed because I felt trapped. I stayed because he could make me feel so loved and wanted. I stayed because I believed I was loved and wanted. I stayed because I wanted him.

[Sadly]

Very short reply, all of those things you see below, to the letter  :'( xx

[bus boy]

I stayed bc I loved her very much. I wanted a family. The BPD person in a r/s makes you feel so worthless, they chip away at you, dehumanizing you. I stayed bc I thought all is have to do is try harder, change a little more about me. The  sad thing is I could never reach that plateau, it was always just out of grasp. If I tried harder she would love me but that day never comes. Only the ruthless discard in the end.

[Ahoy]

I was lucky, my period of 'bad' only lasted 4 months but I hung in through those terrible times because of the dream of our future and of our future children. I stayed because of my marriage vows and my ignorance of mental illness.

It was also my first love, I was a late bloomer too (met at25) I was quite naive and thought this was how marriage worked.

Our marriage worked right up until I threw up boundaries, then I was yesterday's news already lining the kitty litter tray... .

Fantasy was the ruling factor, fantasy and little breadcrumbs of perfectly manipulated kindness.

[troisette]

My first attraction, as friends, was shared professional background, shared creative interests, shared sense of humour; we talked the same "language".

My father died when I was three, a prolonged illness and he was at home. I'm told, although I don't remember, that he adored me. That he spent much time with me during his illness, cuddling me. (I probably was his comfort object.) So I got used to lots of physical contact. My mother was emotionally unavailable and my conception had been a mistake. I don't think I bonded with her and I bonded a lot with my father. My older siblings were jealous of my bond with my father and following his death I was bullied by them; my mother was tacit (she was deeply depressed) and I became the family scapegoat.  I spent much of my time as a child alternately acting out and also trying to get family approval.

When my relationship with ex became closer, I loved his tactility. As an adult I had never experienced such closeness, touch, stroking and it became my drug. My relationship with him had reawakened the love of my father and my bond with him - I'd didn't grieve him properly as children's grief wasn't recognised in those days.

As I began to be devalued, memories of my devaluation by my siblings were stirred and these two opposing elements were a powerful and toxic mix.

So, many years after my father's death, I am grieving the loss of tactility that is imprinted in my childhood mind and also grieving the loss of someone who, unconsciously to me at the time, gave me the love, cuddles and security that I received from my father. But who also revived memories of childhood emotional neglect and abuse from my FOO. I stayed because of the familiarities and because I was addicted to the physical contact and the feeling of security, of being loved, that it gave me.

The end of the relationship revived the emotions of abandonment I felt when my father died.

:'(

[married21years]

I stayed bc I loved her very much. I wanted a family. The BPD person in a r/s makes you feel so worthless, they chip away at you, dehumanizing you. I stayed bc I thought all is have to do is try harder, change a little more about me. The  sad thing is I could never reach that plateau, it was always just out of grasp. If I tried harder she would love me but that day never comes. Only the ruthless discard in the end.

same as bus boy

you view them through your eyes, you cant comprehend what they are feeling about you

they dont have the same beleifs as us or the commitment to the relationship.

all they care about is reducing their pain and reality gets in the way of that so they change it

allowing them to lie manipulate and cheat!

[thrownforaloop]

For me, I think that I stayed because I thought things would get better. I kept thinking that eventually, we would get out of such a financial hole, that we'd clean our home up, that we'd get on some sort of consistent schedule. Also, I wanted to remain strong for our son.

I loved my ex very much and I believed in her ability to achieve her goals. I let her stay at home while I worked. I let her use my money for technical training. The problem is, when she finally did get a job in the field she wanted, she realized that she didn't need me. She started going out and cheating, etc.

Even though she constantly put me down and made me put my wants/feelings on the back burner, I still loved her. She was charming and strange. So that's why I stayed. But why I left was the cheating. I think that may have been my one and only limit. I suppose it's a good thing she cheated then, because she did make me feel like garbage.

[JerryRG]

I stayed because I was focused on my fantasy and ignored the facts.

She couldn't love me

She couldn't reciprocate

She has a severe mental illness

She has the emotional maturity of a child

She has 0 empathy

She is impulsive

She is a pathological liar

She only thinks of her needs and wants

She is irrational

I seen a beautiful woman with so much potential and talent and broken inside, I believed (ego) I could love her into a healthy mental and spiritual state.

I fell in love with myself (mirror) and guess what, I enjoy me and loving myself is refreshing and fun. All I see now is distant horizons where when I was with my exgf I saw nothing but fear, drama, chaos, lies, and desperation to be more, do more, and eventually drown in a sea of confusion and pain.

Freedom sometimes stands right beyond our exes once we get them out of our way.

[Fr4nz]

So that's the first reason, and I'm sure many of yours' same reason. I think the next reason has to do completely with me. I had a strange childhood. I had an overbearing and overly protective mother. She never allowed me to do much with friends so I felt isolated and like an outsider much of my childhood. I basically spent the first 15 years of my life by myself watching tv and binge eating fast food.

In my late teens I got tired of living like that, I wanted love and validation from people, not isolation. So I decided I had to transform myself. Be better so people wanted me around and liked me. I lost 60 pounds, worked out everyday, joined sports teams, made new popular friends. It was great. I was desperately trying to catch up my social skills to everyone else's, I was about 5 years behind my whole life. Because of this and my isolated and overweight teen years I developed an extremely low self worth, and a extremely high competitive outlook.

From my experience the only way you get what you want was to be better or the best. You had to be better dressed, have the best friends, best personality, best body, best intellect. If I was better or the best, my life would be better nobody could isolate me or push me away because who's better than me! That type of thinking trapped me in this relationship with my exBPD. I had found someone who saw me as the best! Their actions and words showed it. It was the most validating experience ever. I know it was infatuation or the honeymoon phase. But that feeling hooked me, due to my own self feelings. When she began to devalue me, which is part of BPD nature, I could not accept it! It was like ripping me apart, I lost the identity of what I thought I was, especially to her. I was no longer one of the best, I was worthless. I couldn't feel that way it sunk me into an abyss. So I made allowances, lied to myself, and ignored the obvious, all so I could cling to the validation I needed for my own self worth. That's the second reason I stayed. I don't know your history, how you feel about yourself, or why you stayed, but I would love to get some feedback on this. Peace and blessings guys!

You know, with the due differences... .I can relate, up to some extent.

I told you, we're spiritual twins 

[once removed]

i dont have one solid answer as to why i stayed.

i was unhappy. i had tried (and by tried i mean made up my mind for hours or minutes only to relent) to end it.

i was trying to change her behavior by threatening breakups, and declaring how unhappy i was.

one reason i wouldnt follow through is that despite my unhappiness, i fundamentally believed she was my soulmate, the girl i would marry.

i found myself drifting between "i want to end it. i deserve better.", "i want to marry this person, but theres no way i would do so unless things seriously changed" and "whats the point of following through with a breakup? we belong together, and we will just get back together anyway."

so i just tried many approaches to changing her behavior. i changed little of my own, though sometimes i stuck to not engaging, and staying out of circular arguments, and it helped.

i read about low self efficacy a year or so ago and a lot of it hit home. people with low self efficacy often find themselves in situations that at least part of them really doesnt want to be in (obviously part of me did or id have left). its about, at the end of the day, not believing in yourself. i think i believe in myself, but i sure havent always lived as if i do. ive been unsure, wavering, and indecisive (i am very indecisive in major areas) about myself.

i had a bit of a martyr complex that touches on the rest of what ill add. at least part of me believed that the more suffering and abuse i endured, the better a person i was, and the more my ex appreciated me. as a christian, i feel i applied certain scriptures (things about suffering and putting others first) in a misguided way. 

I actually remember hoping that if it came down to it, it would be my ex who hurt me, not the other way round.

i think this was in the back of my mind, it wasnt necessarily intuitive. i also dont remember when or where it occurred to me, but i think it was there. something told me that if she ended it, as opposed to me ending it, i would survive, and she would be better off (i have a tendency to project my own abandonment fears onto another person, and imagine their suffering). thinking about it now, it strikes me as somewhat codependent, but i dont really have any regrets, and although i know she suffered, i think it turned out to be the case. i survived. the alternative might have been living with extreme guilt and second guessing myself, plus her probably jumping into another relationship which would have compounded it all (i have a feeling though, that if id known what i would learn after the end, that i might have ended it).

ive learned from it, too. taking care of myself may hurt someones feelings. its counter to my instincts, but sometimes the most loving thing i can do is let someone self soothe their hurt feelings.

[Lucky Jim]

She put a spell on me!      Which isn't far from the truth.  She manipulated my emotions to the point that I forgot who I was.  I was like a member of some weird BPD cult, because I couldn't see or accept the reality that I was the victim of emotional and physical abuse.  I ignored my gut feelings and the red flags.     How did I take such a detour in life?  13 years of marriage before we separated.

LuckyJim

[JerryRG]

Same here Lucky Jim

Between the fog and trauma bonding and my foo I was one lost puppy. Lol

[Herodias]

"She use to say we fit like puzzle pieces."

This statement was funny to me, because I always said we were like "two peas in a bowl"... .we would laugh at this all the time, The saying of course is "two peas in a pod", but we knew we were different-together.

I stayed because I loved him, I was attracted to him, he made me feel good about myself (some of the time), we had a good time together -when we had good times. I married for better or worse. I just didn't expect WORSE... .We had nice things together and could enjoy splurging on things we really wanted. He did that much more than I did and put us in bad positions due to it sometimes.  He kept moving up in his career and I saw it as he was doing better instead of focusing on the bad. I really and truly thought he loved me and that we would work it out no matter what. I even took classes hoping to understand him better. He just never wanted to do the work on himself. He would rather blame me. His Mother told me he was using me... .I still wonder if she understands he is using this current one too. I didn't want to date anymore, I hate it. I wanted to be married forever. I hate being single really. I didn't want to be where I am now. I am bitter for the position I am in now. Yet, I would rather be alone than in that crazy, hellish situation. I know I am better off, it just doesn't always feel like it. I loved the person I first met... .the one that showed himself to me quite often in the marriage. The bad one was so bad, I could have been killed. I numbed myself and said, "well, you have to die somehow"... .I really did. I think I wanted to be with someone that badly. Really sad on my part. So here I am... .I have to pretend I am happier now. I am free from abuse... .but I didn't want to marry an abuser, I wanted to marry the sweet, kind, thoughtful person I met. I just ignored all the bad and the lies. I grew numb to it all. I just ignored it. That's why I stayed.

[flourdust]

I was the frog in the pot of cool water that was slowly heating up. I knew I was getting uncomfortable, but I didn't realize I was being boiled to death.

At first, it was just infrequent fighting. I figured that couples fight. And I could work on myself and improve how I was in the relationship. There was some truth to that.

Then, I was laid off. And she got worse. And I told myself that we were under a lot of stress, and I wouldn't judge us because of how we were at our worst. There was a grain of truth to that. We went to marriage counseling. We read Gottman. It seemed to help.

Then I discovered she'd been having long-distance affairs. I confronted her. I wanted to leave her, but I was afraid to leave her, and we had a daughter. We recommitted. We decided to move out of state for a new job for me.

In the new state, she was unemployed and isolated and miserable. She got worse. She had another long-distance affair. I told myself things would turn around, she would find work, we were both under a lot of stress. No grain of truth -- just me deceiving myself. This was the bottom, I told myself. I was wrong.

I found a job back in our home state. We moved. I bought our dream house. I thought this would make her happy, and we would go back to being happy. This was just wishful thinking.

She had a brain injury. I focused on her recovery. Her behavior deteriorated. I blamed it on the injury. I said she would get better. I had to be patient.

We tried new therapists, drugs, treatments. Saw neurologists, acupuncturists, neuropsychologists, pain specialists, psychiatrists. She started DBT. We started marriage counseling, again. I first saw the label "borderline personality disorder" attached to her. It kept getting worse.

I researched BPD. I read all the books. I tried boundaries, validation, SET. I felt a little optimism -- I had a label, I had strategies I could try, I could beat this! She got so much worse.

I told myself if it didn't improve by the end of summer, I would divorce her. The end of summer came. I couldn't go through with it. I told myself I'd wait until the end of the year. The end of the year came. I interviewed attorneys. I stalled. I worked on drawing up legal documents. I stalled some more. After one epic rage, she moved out of the house and we separated. I tried to give her more time, but I was so much happier with her out of my house. I began to realize that my feelings for her were dead, killed by too much abuse over too long a time with too little love and kindness to balance the scales.

Our marriage counselor fired us. We tried a discernment counselor. She said we should divorce. I hired an attorney.

[Mars22]

I stayed because I'm 45 and wanted to start a family and have future with her. And, I never met anybody that so perfectly fit. She had 85% of what i wanted in a women. I finally felt I found a women who understands me, who was sexy and smart and funny. Was youthful and caring. Sadly, that fantasy didn't last long before she would change. We had 0 communication early on and then, yes - JerryRG is 100% spot on about this:

She couldn't love me

She couldn't reciprocate

She has a severe mental illness

She has the emotional maturity of a child

She has 0 empathy

She is impulsive

She is a pathological liar

She only thinks of her needs and wants

She is irrational

These realities were not evident to me in my fantasy state... But now are so painfully evident to be true.

[MapleBob]

I stayed because I fight for the people I love, and I know that relationships can improve, and that people can change/learn in order to reach their goals.

She left because she fights against the people she loves, she doesn't believe that relationships can improve, and she doesn't know that people can change/learn in order to reach their goals.

[MKB]

Thank you so much for your insights as to why you stayed. My sons wife has BPD and they have a daughter. He is committed to his marriage and struggles with all the terrible things you all shared. It is so hard to see him go through this. They have a seven year old daughter and he is struggling with the harm it will do her to separate. My son is slowly losing himself and the joy in his life. How can I support him?

[KarmasReal]

Hi MKB,

This is my original post and let me just say I think it's great that you have come here to understand the things your son has been dealing with. I've found that many people can't understand what it's like for us to be in relationships with BPD people. It is very traumatic and confusing and painful, not only being in the relationship but also detaching from the relationship.

I think you have made a big first step in supporting him just by coming here and reading about what BPD relationships are really like and seeing the people who have had to deal with it share their intimate stories, and their very real feelings. Once you understand these things you will be so much better equipped when trying to help or advise your son.

My exBPD had two kids of her own, 9 and 6, I was very aware about how some of her bod traits were hurting them and making there lives harder. It was difficult to see. I'm sure separating for your son would be difficult to say the least, but maybe better for their daughter in the long run, because at least he can be an example of loving relationships for his daughter to see. My worry is if he stays the relationship will continue to get harder as it normally does with BPD people and their daughter will grow up thinking this is the way people and love really are. I'm sure you and he both don't want that.

But in the end it is his decision and its your place to help and be understanding no matter what. Some people come out of BPD relationships with PTSD symptoms. It's very traumatic. Also suggesting your son see a therapist about his problems could be another helpful thing. You're a good parent for being there for your son like this. Hope this helps!


Karma

[Iona]

Good question and, I guess that you will receive similar replies. I stayed for the following:

When he was 'good' he was everything that any woman could want - charming; attentive; kind; perceptive; thoughtful. He was my friend and we had a shared humour and intellect.

My friends - who did not know his 'dark' side - thought he was wonderful.

I believed that he would eventually realise that his behaviour was damaging and seek therapy.

I had two children with him - when he was 'good' as he mostly was, they adored him.

The most damaging thing was his temper blowups - which seemed to happen for very little reason - every few months. I calculated that I could 'cope' with approx 4 unpredictable blowups every year, for the sake of the kids. This was naive - it damaged our marriage and created huge resentment.

When his online/real life infidelities appeared... it was enough to end it... the damage he was causing was more than the pain it would cost to myself and my beautiful children to end it - however hard...

Thanks for posting this question - you have made me think things through...

[Cardinals in Flight]

I loved my former BPDgf.  She is a wonderful person in many many ways.

I stayed because I wanted to, and because I wanted to give everything I had learned a chance at communicating better with her, and for the most part we did well.

She cannot be in a committed relationship, I know she loved me in her own way.

I do not wish her anymore harm, only love and peace. 

I send out in to the world love and peace, I can love her right where I am, but I had to let her go, the pain of being with her is greater than my pain of moving on.

Peace,

CiF

[tryingsome]

I stayed because I felt it was my responsibility to stay for the children, though against my deteriorating mental health.

I felt if I could grasp onto the silver lining long enough the whole cloud would turn silver. I wanted something more hopeful for my two kids.

I never wanted to be with the pwBPD, once I saw 'most of them'.  

[tryingsome]

... .

[labowski]

I totally agree with a lot of this-

BUT,

I feel like i got "Lucky" as another reply stated which is almost laughable. the honeymoon phase lasted maybe 80-85% of the relationship length. but that was only inter-personally. to her friends and family pretty early on, i was being secretly devalued and she was setting up and building resentment. However, because i am constantly learning and being paid to go on sabbatical moreover, in my career i am often awarded and recognized with trophies and prize monies galas, (art career). This allowed her to wear gowns and to praise me while she really absorbed praise for herself (me being an object and extension of her worth). I have been told forever, and not that i am conceited, i am never really lonely and haven't gone more than a year without a girlfriend, that i am a catch. but that all goes away when the winds shift. When she changed her mind about me, every insecurity since middle school came crashing back and i went from being the strongest I'd ever been to the lowest. so thanks to this community I am on my way back up to the summit. Even higher. Armed with the knowledge of what i have been through i survive and thrive. thank you all again.

[bAlex]

I was lucky, my period of 'bad' only lasted 4 months but I hung in through those terrible times because of the dream of our future and of our future children. I stayed because of my marriage vows and my ignorance of mental illness.

It was also my first love, I was a late bloomer too (met at25) I was quite naive and thought this was how marriage worked.

Our marriage worked right up until I threw up boundaries, then I was yesterday's news already lining the kitty litter tray... .

Fantasy was the ruling factor, fantasy and little breadcrumbs of perfectly manipulated kindness.

How unfair is this huh? Same happened to me, I enforced boundaries from the start but saw she wasn't happy about it. She saw it as negative criticism and it made her feel like a bad person. The moment I started to feel sorry for her and compromised a bit everything went to hell. Maybe I was a bit over sensitive, but when I showed weakness she basically destroyed me. Lesson learned.

[bAlex]

What made me stay? 

Loving her and believing in her. Looks, sex and being able to laugh with her was secondary.

[freemanstrut]

JerryRG, you are a very insightful and direct person and I am grateful for your posts here and elsewhere.

[Wantingtochange]

This is such a great post and am finding comfort in reading everyone's responses. For me, the answers to this very question will be life changing. I've been in therapy for several months now for PTSD and this relationship and the damage it caused has come to the forefront of every session. I'm learning, slowly, that the answers for me are much deeper then I ever realized.

My situation may be a little different than many others. My exBPDgf has been in therapy for 2 years with the last year being solely DBT for her BPD. She is taking some responsibility for attempting to learn and change.


So why did I stay?

1) She was and is the most beautiful woman I've laid eye's on. (After all these years I still remember the first time I met her, our eyes locked, and her smile at me). There always has been a line of guys waiting for her and she's always being pursued. To put it plainly, she exceptionally attractive.

2) The sex, sex, sex, was beyond amazing. Anything and everything I wanted, whenever, where ever. (How can you not get hooked and the power I felt was addictive) I now understand why it was so good and how she used it to her advantage.

3) Her humor matched mine. We laughed all the time.

4) We liked many of the same things/activities (Or so I thought)

5) She definitely played the victim, the abused, and I came running with my hero cape on.

6) We had a definite connection (Now I understand what it really was)

7) All the recycling and the back and forth, each time she came back, I convinced myself even more that she really loved me. This was true love. I found the one. (I believed what I needed to believe)

8) She has a great personality (With others outside the relationship) funny, charming, seductive.

Now with some much deeper thoughts:

9) I'm starting to realize I have some abandonment issues so I needed her to stay.

10) I felt like she knew, understood me, and loved me for who I am. I am now realizing how much I needed that from her.

11) I'm starting to understand that I am a co-dependent so I needed this relationship.

12) I had myself convinced no one else would want me so I had to make this work.

13) I had myself convinced that I couldn't do better, that she was really all that wtih some issues that she is working on. I felt like I was the lucky one.

14) I'm starting to learn that I am a rescuer and even though I did not consciously set out to rescue on some deeper level I did.

15) I became her care taker without even knowing what that was. After I realized the guilt of leaving combined with my rescuer and co-dependency kept me focused on what I needed to believe this relationship was.

16) I was in incredible denial of what this relationship was both to myself and to her.

17) I constantly made excuses for her and her abusive behavior. By doing so I could justify me not leaving.

18) By rescuing her, being by her side supporting her, fixing her, distracted me from my own issues and allowed me to be in denial about them.

In the end I'm realizing that I am just as responsible as she is for this dysfunctional relationship we had. I have my own issues though I didn't realize it. I can sit her all day long and point the finger at her and blame her. I can claim she is the unhealthy one with all the issues. She's mentally ill. Shes broken. Shes taking responsibility for it and trying to change and I respect and support that. But having my issues, I certainly wasn't the healthiest either.

So I am learning from this. I am trying to change and grow. I do not want to end up in another relationship like this again. So I keep asking myself this very question and honestly the answers hurt. But if I'm going to change its a journey that i must take. It's no longer about her, what I thought we had, and all the abuse I endured. It's now about me finding the answers of why I stayed.

She had her dysfuctional reasons for staying, and so did I. I'm just as guilty.

[flourdust]

I could have written much of your post, Wantingtochange. It sounds like you've done a lot of honest and painful reflection on this.

One thing I'd like to point out - a minor issue, perhaps, but interesting.

8) She has a great personality (With others outside the relationship) funny, charming, seductive.

I used to think this, too. As I've come out of the FOG and talked to friends and family, I've learned that a lot of people saw through her - enough to know there was something off about how she behaved and thought. Most people didn't see the rages, but they saw the self-absorption and the problems with social boundaries. And some saw the anger, even though she thought she was hiding it.

This was humbling to me. I learned that it's not that she had a perfect mask; it's another indication of the red flags I ignored, because of my own insecurities.

[Lucky Jim]

As I've come out of the FOG and talked to friends and family, I've learned that a lot of people saw through her - enough to know there was something off about how she behaved and thought. Most people didn't see the rages, but they saw the self-absorption and the problems with social boundaries. And some saw the anger, even though she thought she was hiding it.

This was humbling to me. I learned that it's not that she had a perfect mask; it's another indication of the red flags I ignored, because of my own insecurities.

So true, flour dust.  I had the same experience with my BPDxW.  After separating from her, I discovered that many saw through her "act" and knew there was something "off," including:

the self-absorption and the problems with social boundaries. And some saw the anger, even though she thought she was hiding it.

As one kind friend explained about the members of our small community, they pick up things and know what's going on in terms of my BPDxW's issues.  So her condition wasn't as well hidden as I thought.

LuckyJim