Panic and Flashbacks

[MiserableDaughter]

MOD NOTE: This first post was initially a separate thread titled 'Moving back to the East Coast... .Same Coast as UBPD mom... .' and was later merged with the subsequent thread 'Panic and Flashbacks'.

Hello all,

As many of you know, I finally moved across the country from UBPD mom and enDad. I am 37. I have a 4 year old son and husband. though I grew up in New England (near mom) and lived there for 36 years of my life, I only felt at home for the first time after I moved across the country. I could actually breathe. A two bedroom rented townhome felt like my first real home, while my stunning 3800 square foot house In New England felt like jail. I could be the mom I wanted. I could be the wife I wanted. My marriage has greatly improved. I'm living. Making friends... .laughing genuinely.

Soo my husband got a GIANT promotion through his work... .Dream job and title for him. But it's back east. It's still an 8 hour drive and 1.5 hour flight (Virgina DC area). So it's not that close. But for some reason now I am panicking even knowing I'll be on same coast as my mom! Just knowing its drivable! Even if it's 8 hours! Like I will get sucked into FOG again... .I mean a year ago, I would have been ecstatic at moving 8 hours away! Now it seems too close! Realistically we couldn't have stayed in CA long term because it's wayyyyy too $$. I just didn't expect to leave so fast. And that area is a great one where we can settle down and is still far enough. But why am I panicking? Argh... .!  

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello,

As many of you may have read, I am moving back to the east coast after moving to across the country to the west coast 6 months ago. It's been the best time of my life. I haven't felt even minimum guilt, because my mother was horrible to me, and my dad enabled it. All she wanted to do was possess my son. I am moving back to the east coast now due to husband's job opp. Never expected to move so fast again.

We won't be close to my folks. Will be an 8-9 hour drive (and 1.5 hour flight.) They still won't have weekly/daily expectations like they did when I lived 45 minutes away. But I am fearing the pull again. I haven't told my parents I am moving east yet. And I think what will bother me is that they will be so happy about it, because now they will have a more controlled level of access.

I keep telling myself, 500 miles is the closest I will EVER get. Even if someone pays me 10 million to live close to them again, I will not do it. But I have been having so many dreams and flashbacks. I haven't had those in a while. BUy when she has said something annoying on the phone, I have just thought "Pfft. that's why I live across the country." Now I will be somewhat closer... .And those flashbacks are coming back. Today what came in my mind was her saying, "You are afraid that he will be on our side!" talking about my 2 year old at the time... .ON her side? There are sides with my child.

Realistically, I am reminding myself that what I feared most on living close was the constant interaction of my son with my mentally screwed up and possessive mom. And that still won't be there. At least, not to a point where it can mentally affect him. Once in a few months shouldn't affect him much. They are very loving, but  smotheringly. For example, my mom does the whole ":)o you love me? Say you love me! Or I am leaving!" to my son. That kind of stuff... .I am trying not to panic. I think I definitely have PTSD or c-PTSD since I panic even in a 500 mile radius!

I am trying to reduce my panic... .Reminding myself they will still be far away, not next door. BUt freedom across the country has been so amazing and liberating! I am so bummed we have to leave already!

[Sunfl0wer]

  Maybe not tell her for a year or so until she finds out on her own some way?  That way by the time she knows, she will be so furious at you that out of spite she will say, "It is obvious that you are so self centered and don't want to see me and are so horrible to keep me out of my grandchild's life.  Forget it!  I will spite you and not ever visit!  I'll show YOU!"

Ok, I couldn't help myself.  I don't have real advice, sorry!

[Sunfl0wer]

Wait, I may have serious advice now! 

Maybe the first step is to get clear in your mind what you will allow and if you will allow anything.  Start here!

The next step then is practicing how to set boundaries.

After that, how to defend them.

Then, throughout, how to feel ok with yourself setting and enforcing boundaries.

I think it will be easier starting fresh, than it was when you lived close by and there were old patterns established for everyone to fall back into.

In this situation, you are still getting a brand new start,but challenging, but after a few months of consistent boundary enforcement, it should get easier.

Maybe a good start is practicing boundary enforcement in smaller ways in your life for now?

Can you think of examples to so this?

[Amelia]

I was also going to ask whether you should bother to tell them that you've moved closer. Sometimes distance is a "virtual" limit, whether they know you'll be on the east coast again or not.

For what it's worth, I totally get the desire to flee. I have it all the time. But I love our life and our home and the good people that we have surrounded ourselves with.

I do agree with Sunfl0wer, as well. Having a fresh start will make it feel easier to set fresh boundaries if you decide to let them know you're close by.

[MiserableDaughter]

Lol... .I did think about that. But they would find out. I would be leaving my job which is still based out of Boston where they are. My job is the reason I fly back there every 2-3 months. You know what's weird? A year ago I would have jumped at being an 8 hour drive away. Now it seems too close! Technically it isn't that close. But it feels like it after being on the opposite coast! The nice thing is, being this far, I haven't had to set any boundaries. They are automatically set. I don't see my folks cause well... .I can't. Only every 2-3 months cause I'm far. They don't like to fly. So they have no desire to come visit. So it's worked. I haven't had to make excuses to not see them. It's just automatic. I'm not sure how different it will be being 8 hours away. They won't fly. They don't like flying. So they would do the 8 hour drive. Can't be that frequent. Maybe twice a year. I can fly in every few months. So it won't be the same as seeing them every week... .But my mind races with the "when my son is older and has summer vacation, they will want him to come stay with them" etc... .My mind is being illogical right now and is in a state of panic. That's why I'm struggling with this... .!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi MiserableDaughter,

I'm sorry that you are having these flashbacks and dreams. They must be miserable for you to experience, and I imagine they cause the panic you are feeling. Your security, even though temporary, has been disrupted and It's understandable that you are concerned.

I think I understand fairly well what you are going through. Seems as if any time I have to deal with a situation that is reminiscent of my FOO and uBPDm especially, I also become triggered and often feel panicky. Let me illustrate for you.

My parents are now both deceased. Last week I spent 3 days at my dad's home, cleaning it out in prep for my step mom's sale of the house & property. For many weeks I've been dreading this, and I've had so much anxiety and stress, and headaches nearly daily as a result. Yes, there were many things from my childhood stuck away in boxes, and the memories... .Potentially so triggering and those headaches proved the point that I was having a tough time. Now that I am through it, my daily headaches are gone.

Our worlds get upset when we are returning close to anything that is a reminder of the horrible past we have had. Doesn't matter if the pwBPD is living or dead. It's downright scary at times, and especially unsettling to our inner children, who still don't feel secure around them and rightly so!

A move is stress enough for now, and you have the choice to stay LC or NC any time you chose. There is no obligation for you to tell your pwBPD, and you are allowed to think of you and your family first, above your mom.

Look at how well you've done setting some boundaries! 


Wools

[Panda39]

I have trouble with worry/anxiety.  I describe it as a hamster on a wheel in my head.  The hamster is "Bob" and when he really gets going I start worrying about all kinds of things that might happen.  The key and this can be tough is to stay in the present let go of the things that might happen.  The things you are worried about have not happened, are not currently happening and might never happen.  Stay in the "now" and try to put your energy elsewhere.   

I agree with the others I think it's time to figure out boundaries in regards to your mom/parents.  A physical boundary helps but in some ways it doesn't.  It separates you from the problem but doesn't really solve the underlying issues.

Panda39

[MiserableDaughter]

Yes, I need to be more mindful... .My mind races and freaks out cause I've had so much trauma. Being that far still feels like I'm going next door! Crazy right? I keep reminding myself tha I still have a physica boundary. I know it doesn't address the problem, but I had so much trauma for years and years I needed the forced boundary to heal... .I've been healing and am not quite ready to jump back in... .At least it feels like I am though I'm not... .