New here, my journey.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

"So I got to see the draft of the temp order her lawyer has prepared... ." which is why your lawyer should have been the one to prepare it.

Lots to discuss with your lawyer.  Modifications are expected.  Strike out the portions that can't apply yet, for example requiring the house to be sold.

If she is to have very limited parenting time then yes, it should affect holidays, vacations and summer visitation.  How much, IDK.

Generally most orders are written to apply to both parents more or less equally.  The principle is that you can't demand more of one than the other.  Would this work?  "Parents will not smoke in the children's presence.  Parents will not consume alcohol or drugs in excess.  If either parent has issues with excessive consumption or driving while under the influence then the parent should not use drink or drugs to thereby avoid abuse of them."

As for support, many states allow the CS to be revisited every year or two for recalculation.  Find out what CS recalculations and related rules are in your state.  So while it may be low now, make sure the language doesn't state or imply it will locked in or always be below support guidelines.  For example, in my divorce I agreed to pay alimony for a few years but not CS.  My lawyer said she always would have the right to request CS so we settled on a clause that if she sought CS during the alimony period then I reserved the right to have alimony recalculated downward.  Taxwise, since she had minimal earnings, it was smarter for me to pay her alimony (her tax obligation, probably near zero) than to pay her child support (my tax obligation, probably substantial).

Keep in mind that you're getting a very favorable order early in the legal process.  That is amazing.  Court may be reluctant to "hit her hard while she is down", so to speak.  I'm not saying you shouldn't stand firm for what is in the best interests of the children, you should, but for some of the other issues that don't directly impact parenting as much, you may have to make some trade-offs.

In all honesty her alcoholism is the greatest contributing factor as to this outcome, there has been no mention or evidence presented (yet) as to her Bpd.  Her L was quick to reach a favorable agreement and is attempting to get my wife into rehab,  perhaps this is to clean her up for the final trial,  who knows.  I just want to stick to the letter of the law and let it play out,  haven't even brought out any of the guns (evidence,  witnesses) yet,  perhaps I won't even have to.

[Makersmarksman]

"So I got to see the draft of the temp order her lawyer has prepared... ." which is why your lawyer should have been the one to prepare it.

Lots to discuss with your lawyer.  Modifications are expected.  Strike out the portions that can't apply yet, for example requiring the house to be sold.

If she is to have very limited parenting time then yes, it should affect holidays, vacations and summer visitation.  How much, IDK.

Generally most orders are written to apply to both parents more or less equally.  The principle is that you can't demand more of one than the other.  Would this work?  "Parents will not smoke in the children's presence.  Parents will not consume alcohol or drugs in excess.  If either parent has issues with excessive consumption or driving while under the influence then the parent should not use drink or drugs to thereby avoid abuse of them."

As for support, many states allow the CS to be revisited every year or two for recalculation.  Find out what CS recalculations and related rules are in your state.  So while it may be low now, make sure the language doesn't state or imply it will locked in or always be below support guidelines.  For example, in my divorce I agreed to pay alimony for a few years but not CS.  My lawyer said she always would have the right to request CS so we settled on a clause that if she sought CS during the alimony period then I reserved the right to have alimony recalculated downward.  Taxwise, since she had minimal earnings, it was smarter for me to pay her alimony (her tax obligation, probably near zero) than to pay her child support (my tax obligation, probably substantial).

Keep in mind that you're getting a very favorable order early in the legal process.  That is amazing.  Court may be reluctant to "hit her hard while she is down", so to speak.  I'm not saying you shouldn't stand firm for what is in the best interests of the children, you should, but for some of the other issues that don't directly impact parenting as much, you may have to make some trade-offs.

In all honesty her alcoholism is the greatest contributing factor as to this outcome, there has been no mention or evidence presented (yet) as to her Bpd.  Her L was quick to reach a favorable agreement and is attempting to get my wife into rehab,  perhaps this is to clean her up for the final trial,  who knows.  I just want to stick to the letter of the law and let it play out,  haven't even brought out any of the guns (evidence,  witnesses) yet,  perhaps I won't even have to.

[ForeverDad]

As the trial date looms closer you may find her more willing to settle on better terms.  Many us us here did reach settlements but generally it was just before a big hearing or trial date, not early in the process.  Understand that, let the looming court date motivate her to be a little more cooperative.

However... .beware of hiding her behaviors.  That is too often self-sabotaging and is a disservice to your stbEx.  Yes, much of what occurs in preparation for court never get documented in court but if it isn't documented there, somehow, the court may look at future filings and view her as a normal parent.  As much as you don't want to make he look bad (after all, we are Nice Guys and Nice Gals) you can't risk not providing the reasons why the custody and parenting has to be so lopsided in your favor.

I agree that her lawyer is going to try to make her look as good as possible, "clean her up" so to speak, that's his job.  Your job is to make sure the court understands that her history indicates a high risk or virtual certainty that she will relapse.  You don't want a weak or neutral order where you have to keep returning to court every time she relapses or puts the children at risk (abuse, neglect or endangerment).

[Makersmarksman]

As the trial date looms closer you may find her more willing to settle on better terms.  Many us us here did reach settlements but generally it was just before a big hearing or trial date, not early in the process.  Understand that, let the looming court date motivate her to be a little more cooperative.

However... .beware of hiding her behaviors.  That is too often self-sabotaging and is a disservice to your stbEx.  Yes, much of what occurs in preparation for court never get documented in court but if it isn't documented there, somehow, the court may look at future filings and view her as a normal parent.  As much as you don't want to make he look bad (after all, we are Nice Guys and Nice Gals) you can't risk not providing the reasons why the custody and parenting has to be so lopsided in your favor.

I agree that her lawyer is going to try to make her look as good as possible, "clean her up" so to speak, that's his job.  Your job is to make sure the court understands that her history indicates a high risk or virtual certainty that she will relapse.  You don't want a weak or neutral order where you have to keep returning to court every time she relapses or puts the children at risk (abuse, neglect or endangerment).

Noted.  Thank You.

[married21years]

good luck just starting my divorce and just found out about affairs

[Makersmarksman]

good luck just starting my divorce and just found out about affairs

Good luck to you too.  Its always hard finding out your spouse has cheated but you will,  one day,  not care about that anymore.  Get the divorce done and get her behind you.

[gary seven]

I dont know what to tell you, I caved again, and after stating all the things required to make another go at it, she agrees and we reconcile after she gets out. We attend regular MC again, she admits to multiple affairs, 3 abortions during the marriage, being raped as a young child, etc. After a rocky start, things actually start to normalize again, not so much love bombing but affirmation that she always loved me, couldnt live without me etc. We have 8 or so years of what seems to be normality, then just recently she gets fired from her newest job as a marina manager for spending too much time at the bar on premises

Its really hard to place all the insanity of the last 20 years into a post, and there are thousands of little crazy things left out, and several more giant crazy things. Just needed to get some of it out to people who understand, because its not a story I am very proud of sharing.  

MMM:  Caved n again is exactly what I am trying to get out of.   My uBPDw has never processed her childhood issues (being raised by an uBPDMother).  After nearly being fired from my job because of her, I decided in February to split--I moved into our basement because I can't afford two households.  I got a lawyer, and now its June.  She had the youngest get a dx of "Bipolar, just like Mommy," where in fact the kid is a genius, with an IQ up at the 99.99th percentile.  That's why the last two years of her trying to medicate his behaviors didn't work.

Placing the insanity in a post is hard, but you might find it cathartic.  And I too, am not proud to share my story.  Like how can I tell my kids (S12, D9, S9), " well Daddy really needs to not be around Mommy because she tried to kill him."  Not really appropriate, but it has, and continues to take a toll on me.  Which is why I need to move forward.  This place is a safe place.  I may have to settle on some thing so as to not scorch the earth, but then when I think that she had S9 put in a mental hospital for a week ---it really pisses me off and I would even take a second job to make it right by my kids.

Thank you for your service to our Country & have a restful weekend.

[Makersmarksman]

I dont know what to tell you, I caved again, and after stating all the things required to make another go at it, she agrees and we reconcile after she gets out. We attend regular MC again, she admits to multiple affairs, 3 abortions during the marriage, being raped as a young child, etc. After a rocky start, things actually start to normalize again, not so much love bombing but affirmation that she always loved me, couldnt live without me etc. We have 8 or so years of what seems to be normality, then just recently she gets fired from her newest job as a marina manager for spending too much time at the bar on premises

Its really hard to place all the insanity of the last 20 years into a post, and there are thousands of little crazy things left out, and several more giant crazy things. Just needed to get some of it out to people who understand, because its not a story I am very proud of sharing.  

MMM:  Caved n again is exactly what I am trying to get out of.   My uBPDw has never processed her childhood issues (being raised by an uBPDMother).  After nearly being fired from my job because of her, I decided in February to split--I moved into our basement because I can't afford two households.  I got a lawyer, and now its June.  She had the youngest get a dx of "Bipolar, just like Mommy," where in fact the kid is a genius, with an IQ up at the 99.99th percentile.  That's why the last two years of her trying to medicate his behaviors didn't work.

Placing the insanity in a post is hard, but you might find it cathartic.  And I too, am not proud to share my story.  Like how can I tell my kids (S12, D9, S9), " well Daddy really needs to not be around Mommy because she tried to kill him."  Not really appropriate, but it has, and continues to take a toll on me.  Which is why I need to move forward.  This place is a safe place.  I may have to settle on some thing so as to not scorch the earth, but then when I think that she had S9 put in a mental hospital for a week ---it really pisses me off and I would even take a second job to make it right by my kids.

Thank you for your service to our Country & have a restful weekend.

Gary,

Like your wife,  my stbx's mother is also a queen borderline.  She spends her retirement shopping on QVC,  then coming over and stealing my daughters clothes from their closets,  and replaces them with items she doesn't want.  It's beyond weird,  weirder still is my wife NEVER says anything directly to her,  and after the Queen leaves then my wife goes into a tirade about her mom.  I finally had to confront her mother about it,  and told her if she continued the behavior she is no longer welcome in my home.  Another thing,  one of the biggest fights we got into was when her mother convinced her that my  oldest daughter should be put on Ritalin for ADD.  Of all of the fights we had,  that was the most serious and I came the closest to, becoming physical.  My wife years later thanked me for being strong,  my daughter is now a mathematics major in college and has a 3.8. The BPD stops with her, it's not a disease it's a learned behavior, be a rock for your kids and they will be fine.