Sad Realization

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

As I was surfing through these message boards here, I came to a depressing conclusion about my relationship. It seems that most of you had a semi big chunk of really positive time at the beginning of your relationship with a pwBPD. I keep hearing talk of idealization phases, but I never experienced that.

Thinking back to it, she was insulting to me consistently even in the beginning. She never would praise me or act admiringly at all--quite the opposite. From time to time, she would say a nice thing or two (much less than even a nonBPD relationship)... .but never like I was a big deal to her. So, really thinking about it, I'm quite sure I had been a mere placeholder for the entirety of our relationship. From day one, it really seems like she always had one foot out the door.

Anyway, just one of those thoughts that suddenly came in and made me feel like crap about myself, haha. 

[thrownforaloop]

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

As I was surfing through these message boards here, I came to a depressing conclusion about my relationship. It seems that most of you had a semi big chunk of really positive time at the beginning of your relationship with a pwBPD. I keep hearing talk of idealization phases, but I never experienced that.

Thinking back to it, she was insulting to me consistently even in the beginning. She never would praise me or act admiringly at all--quite the opposite. From time to time, she would say a nice thing or two (much less than even a nonBPD relationship)... .but never like I was a big deal to her. So, really thinking about it, I'm quite sure I had been a mere placeholder for the entirety of our relationship. From day one, it really seems like she always had one foot out the door.

Anyway, just one of those thoughts that suddenly came in and made me feel like crap about myself, haha. 

[married21years]

 

[Sunfl0wer]

Not sure if this helps any but... .

So, really thinking about it, I'm quite sure I had been a mere placeholder for the entirety of our relationship.

While our relationship did have an idealization phase, in man ways his attachment to me was sort of a placeholder.  That is an interesting way to put it. 

My role to him was to serve as a vehicle for him to paint a new perception of his identity for himself as his identity sense was fractured following his recent divorce.

So, I guess it reminds me of a bursting pipe, holding his finger on the hole till someone can hand him some putty or something to hold back the flood of his feelings he was trying to avoid.  I think I was putty.  He likely has not called a service person to properly soldier that pipe.  My guess is it is more putty, or his finger again.

[SoMadSoSad]

I was a placeholder also. I was used so she could hide behind me from the demons inside her. She left me for someone else like I didn't even matter. I probably don't matter to her.

[Dhand77]

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

As I was surfing through these message boards here, I came to a depressing conclusion about my relationship. It seems that most of you had a semi big chunk of really positive time at the beginning of your relationship with a pwBPD. I keep hearing talk of idealization phases, but I never experienced that.

Thinking back to it, she was insulting to me consistently even in the beginning. She never would praise me or act admiringly at all--quite the opposite. From time to time, she would say a nice thing or two (much less than even a nonBPD relationship)... .but never like I was a big deal to her. So, really thinking about it, I'm quite sure I had been a mere placeholder for the entirety of our relationship. From day one, it really seems like she always had one foot out the door.

Anyway, just one of those thoughts that suddenly came in and made me feel like crap about myself, haha. 

I've come to realize I was a 'placeholder' as well. I was merely used to make her ex-husband jealous for four years. Once he started taking his new relationship with a woman seriously, I started to become devalued. When he announced that his new girlfriend was pregnant, I was discarded a mere few weeks later. When he fully moved on, it must have triggered her.

To her, I was nothing more than a shiny toy to dangle in front of her husband. Something I see in retrospect, because she's now doing the same with the replacement to me. Unfortunately for her, I was never much the jealous type, and honestly, that dude can HAVE her.

What we need to realize is, our BPD exes have given us a gift. A gift of self awareness and introspection. I've learned more about myself in the past 5 months than I did in the 4 years I was with her. I know what steps I have to make to have a better, happier life. And while it won't happen overnight, I'm taking the first steps to make it happen.

Remember Thrownforaloop, she does not define the person that you are.

[blackbirdsong]

We were all placeholders... .Placeholders for the inner emptiness... .Every person in their life will have this role until they do some serious inner self work.

[JerryRG]

I agree, I explained this to my exgf yesterday.

She believes God will heal her and maybe he will but I've found that sitting in a pile of pity and begging God to bring me happiness, income, peace, health anything in life takes action and effort and I cannot expect eveything to be given to me.

I've worked hard all my life to get well, I've never stopped because I REFUSE TO BE LIKE MY PARENTS.

Life isn't meant to be miserable and even though bad things do happen if my ex likes skimming the bottom then when disaster does strike she is already in trouble.

We need to be as healthy, emotinally, physically and spiritually as we can because life will throw us zingers and they can destroy us if we are already hitting bottom.

Unfortunately she just doesn't get it, she's comfortable in her misery. Not me babe.

I'm happy, joyous and free!

I ran into a lady years ago who told me she was BPD. I asked what that was and she said "doctors say, treat them like s***, because they are s***, and s*** is all they will ever be"

Harsh but my exgf loves to wallow in her dirty diaper, have fun babe

[thrownforaloop]

We were all placeholders... .Placeholders for the inner emptiness... .Every person in their life will have this role until they do some serious inner self work.

That is a good thing to remember, thank you, blackbirdsong.

And Dhand77, I completely agree with you about learning more in the aftermath. That's a very positive way to look at it. It was a very eye opening experience to see how she turned on me and betrayed me as she realized that she no longer needed me. I'll tell you now, that I will never let someone walk on me the way I allowed her to for those several years.

Though even though I know that she doesn't define me, it still feels incredibly painful to think back and wonder if all I was good for was money, a father figure for her son and a person who could drive her around.

[Dhand77]

We were all placeholders... .Placeholders for the inner emptiness... .Every person in their life will have this role until they do some serious inner self work.

That is a good thing to remember, thank you, blackbirdsong.

And Dhand77, I completely agree with you about learning more in the aftermath. That's a very positive way to look at it. It was a very eye opening experience to see how she turned on me and betrayed me as she realized that she no longer needed me. I'll tell you now, that I will never let someone walk on me the way I allowed her to for those several years.

Though even though I know that she doesn't define me, it still feels incredibly painful to think back and wonder if all I was good for was money, a father figure for her son and a person who could drive her around.

I try not to take it too personally, being a placeholder. Like blackbirdsong said, it's all anyone will ever be for them. I find solace in that. One day, we'll all be whole again, pwBPD will never be whole.

More than anything, I want to reach out to her ex husband one day and compare stories. That's not an option at the moment, but maybe a few years from now. He fell pretty hard into IV drug use during that first year we were together, and I hate knowing I had a roll in that, even if I didn't know it at the time.

My ex seems to take great pride and joy in destroying lives, I was merely a tool to destroy his. I refuse to let her destroy mine, lord knows she has been spending months trying. But being discarded was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and deep down, I think she KNOWS it.