Exhaustion

[troisette]

Hi Everyone

Am I alone in feeling exhausted after the end of my relationship?

This week is the year's anniversary since the big blow up, although it had been building for a few months but I kept the lid on it. Now 8 months nc. The anniversary and reflecting upon what happened is exacerbating the tiredness. Together with my vigilance in case I see him - we live near each other.

My energy comes in bursts but some days I am so tired, I just need to read and sleep. I'm wondering if this is normal, or if it could be PTSD. I don't know much about PTSD but I had a very stressy childhood and then two marriages - one physically and emotionally abusive, the second emotionally abusive and then BPD.

Not many years to recuperate in between and I'm wondering if I ever did and if my relationship with exBPD has finally caused my body to react - saying "enough".

The effort required to function around people is enormous. I am unsure of myself nowadays, lacking confidence, and always wondering if I am good enough.

I'm looking for a therapist who specialises in PDs and PTSD and want to make sure I get a good "match" this  time. Breaking through my cerebral defence, down to emotions. Unfortunately there are no body work therapists in my area.

Are you feeling exhausted too?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi troisette,

It sounds to me like you suspect that something isn't quite right at the moment and I think you would do well to listen to that inner voice and perhaps consider a trip to the doctor to get some basic medical checks done as well as the avenues you are already considering.

I'm sure that there are plenty of people on this forum who do feel exhausted, but it isn't my experience.

Love Lifewriter

[confusedbloke]

I ended the relationship because I was exhausted, sad and very stressed.

I don't feel exhausted anymore as I am just focusing on all the nonsense that came from her. I don't have to put up with it anymore. I'm free to be me, with no hindrances.

I don't feel sad anymore. I was very sad when I was with her.

I certainly don't feel stressed. I don't care what she does, where she is, or who she's with. I've taken a leaf out of her book and just switched it off. She is no longer part of my life. It is completely her loss and I'm happily moving on.

My exhaustion was with her. But not now

[DazedD23]

I hear you with the exhaustion however I know that's of my own making as my head is in a spin and I'm left wondering what on earth has just happened after my ex spun on a penny piece and cut me off whilst throwing all my belongings away with no explination.

I guess it takes the body some Tom to adjust. I know for me it's the uncomfortable thoughts and emotions that don't seem to want to balance and as a result my body is failing in knowing what it should be doing. My experience so far goes to show just how damaging the relationship was and now I'm trying to mentally and physically get some balance back.

[troisette]

Thanks for your replies Lifewriter, Confused and Dazed.

Thanks for your suggestion Lifewriter, all blood tests are clear - that's why I'm beginning to think I've got some sort of anxiety disorder - CPTSD or something like it.

Although I'm getting over ex and seeing things more clearly I'm still anxious and hyper vigilant about seeing him out and about in the small  town where we live. (Moving isn't an option.) I think possibly that anxiety/muscular tension may be causing it. My concern is not really him, but my response to him, due to the trauma bond.

Wondering if this chimes with anyone who has experienced such anxious tension?

[sweet tooth]

Thanks for your replies Lifewriter, Confused and Dazed.

Thanks for your suggestion Lifewriter, all blood tests are clear - that's why I'm beginning to think I've got some sort of anxiety disorder - CPTSD or something like it.

Although I'm getting over ex and seeing things more clearly I'm still anxious and hyper vigilant about seeing him out and about in the small  town where we live. (Moving isn't an option.) I think possibly that anxiety/muscular tension may be causing it. My concern is not really him, but my response to him, due to the trauma bond.

Wondering if this chimes with anyone who has experienced such anxious tension?

Yes. Since the discard I've had a lot less energy. I've been coming home from work and taking 2-3 hour naps. A lot of times I have to force myself to exercise. I've also had changes in appetite and mood. I've battled depression and anxiety for many years, but this is far different from that. It feels like my soul is being sucked away, if that makes sense. People like this are referred to as "emotional vampires" because they suck the life force out of you.

I was sexually assaulted for a year and a half when I was kid. Emotionally, the episode with the BPD was worse and more intense than that. I don't know why, but it just was. I, too, feel like I'm tapped in a trauma bond. I'm slowly coming out of it, though.

Sometimes when I think about her, I can actually FEEL the chemistry in my brain changing. It's bizarre. It's actually happening a bit right now. The next time I see my therapist I'm going to tell him that I'm an addict; I'm addicted to the BPD.

How this will play out, I have no idea. I'm feeling s lot of dissonance: I simultaneously loathe and adore the BPD that discarded me. I long for her, but I want her to stay away. I KNOW it's wrong, but it FEELS right. She is an angel and a demon.

The entire situation is a paradox, which is why we feel so terribly: How can somebody who has the potential to make us feel so euphoric and treat us do well also treat us so terribly? I've tried to use imaging, such as imagining my BPD as morbidly obese or an evil witch. It's hard to do, and doesn't really work. I've tried to imagine a pencil "erasing" her from my life/mind. It also doesn't really work.

I wish I could help you more.

[bus boy]

Hi toilette

This week is also one year from my ex BPD/npd emotional abuser. It was a hard road to travel. She left several years ago but I clung on for dear life. I was totally exhausted, slept all the time, couldn't eat, I was feeling everything you are feeling. I got very sick and almost died. But I didn't learn my lesson, I thought my almost dying would get us back together. She used my illness to try and crush me again, I survived it, and she tried a couple of more times after that, very sinister cruel and heartless. I survived again. What almost killed me ended up making me stronger. I know exactly what you are going through. I am very lucky to live in a very rural area and I can call my T any time.  My struggle will never end, I have adapted to this and accepted this. She will never stop, just change her tactics. She is a cruel, heartless, bottomless pit of evil. She recurred her family and now she has recruited her bf to help administer her evil. A stranger who doesn't even know me, followed me around and hates the ground I stand on. Now, everything she does makes me stronger.

[bus boy]

Sorry. troisette. Auto correct.

[Ahoy]

Hey just wanted to say a lot of therapists use Skype now so you can broaden your search for one specialised in PTSD if needed. I live remote so all me sessions are on Skype, I get to talk from the comfort of my own bed

[troisette]

Know where you are coming from Sweet Tooth and bus boy and glad to know it's not just me.

Sorry to hear what you've both gone through. It is hard.

Glad you are getting stronger busboy.

Angel and demon? Yeah, my ex, given a surplice, could be an ageing choirboy.

I used to simultaneously loathe and crave my ex. Such anger at him, I shouted at him (in his absence of course!) in the privacy of my home.  I used to long for him all the time but that got less and less and doesn't happen often nowadays. Over the months, as I learnt more and more, the balance of my brain started to alter - anger and pain running parallel with more and more understanding of BPD and what hell it must be. More knowledge gave me more insight into his behaviour and made me less angry. Does that make sense?

I think I recognise what you describe as your  brain  changing Sweet Tooth, I used to feel that, still do sometimes but not as much. I also used to try negative imaging of my ex and it didn't work for me either, the only thing that did was integrating increasing  knowledge of his type of BPD with the person I knew in private. Then things began to make more sense and I felt it was less of a personal violation and disregard for me, more somebody with a serious mental illness that he's been struggling with all his life.

I'm not a 100% there, the big one for me is if I see him  with a replacement. I'll know intellectually that it will be a repeat pattern but it might be gut wrenching. And that's probably part, but not all, of the mixture that's causing my hyper vigilance>anxiety>tension - which is possibly causing exhaustion. And it's not about him really, he was a trigger for long ago suppressed abandonment and grief.

Hang on in there, both of you, it does, gradually, change and evolve into something more manageable.  

[troisette]

  bus boy

[gotbushels]

Troisette sorry if I missed it. I looked your post over twice and couldn't find out why you're feeling exhausted. Why? Or is it something you can't explain?

I'm sorry if this sounds obvious or too simple or dumbing it down, but are you getting enough sleep? What seems normal is that people have much larger amounts of time, energy and breathing space after a breakup with a BPD.

This excessive tiredness seems unusual to me.

To develop a bit more, I understand that a large amount of post-breakup relief comes because the non doesn't need to handle and caretake the BP. This would explain more energy, not less.

If your stressor is taken out of the environment, what else is there that's causing extreme tiredness?

I hope you get some rest:)

[SoMadSoSad]

Troisette sorry if I missed it. I looked your post over twice and couldn't find out why you're feeling exhausted. Why? Or is it something you can't explain?

I'm sorry if this sounds obvious or too simple or dumbing it down, but are you getting enough sleep? What seems normal is that people have much larger amounts of time, energy and breathing space after a breakup with a BPD.

This excessive tiredness seems unusual to me.

To develop a bit more, I understand that a large amount of post-breakup relief comes because the non doesn't need to handle and caretake the BP. This would explain more energy, not less.

If your stressor is taken out of the environment, what else is there that's causing extreme tiredness?

I hope you get some rest:)

Maybe its depression or withdrawal symptom?

[Thread]

I suffer from anxiety off my meds doing okay and also am in the process of leaving my BPD husband ... .I'm exhausted tired ... .I think it's part of my anxiety, part of the depression, and just part of mourning for a loss.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some grace, definitely get a therapist to help! I personally just see it as part of the transition and process. I am scared I will find the same type of man again  clearly I also am attracted to verbal and emotional abusers, controllers, and BPD personalities.

Best of luck and know you're not alone! It's a struggle and sometimes you feel like you're suffering!

[patientandclear]

I completely identify. It has taken a very long time, body-based trauma therapy (especially lifespan integration--agree about trying a Skype arrangement) and also, resolving to really welcome my terrible feelings of sadness, desolation, loss, etc. That was an active practice for months. It helped a lot, eventually. But I was not only exhausted, only enough energy to crawl under the covers etc.; I also dissociated whenever I sat down at night and thought about my ex and what had happened. Hard stuff.

[VeraTrue]

Troisette, it is very understandable for your body to be worn out from the ordeal you've been through. To me it sounds like maybe you're experiencing the adrenal burnout that comes from the stress response being stuck on for so long. This happened to me as well, although I had a predisposition for it due to other health issues. Coming back from it is a slow process of self-nurturance. Other commenters have noted that therapy will help, and this is true especially because it can help tamp down that stress reaction you mentioned. Also there are supplements you can take and ways to support your body to heal from it all. Stuff like meditation, light exercise, and eating right. There's also naturopaths who practice via the internet for rural patients, a friend of mine has one if you'd like a recommendation I can find out who she sees. It's been helpful for her. Try to do relaxing things you enjoy, I know it's hard when all you want to do is sleep but see if you can find ways to be good to yourself. Also, I found a website, selfhacked.com, to be very helpful. It's written by a guy who has healed himself from chronic fatigue and has tons of research around how to come back from fatigue. I know how frustrating it is to not have your health. Don't give up though, you can give your body, mind, and spirit what you need to heal.