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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I've posted a few times about my 32 week pregnant exBPD/npd unblocking me on fb after months of being blocked and being silent. Well today I changed my profile pic to myself and my daughter that my ex liked and commented on back in November. The pic was public and after getting a notification a fb friend liked it I noticed my exBPD/npd deleted her comment and unliked the pic . I haven't heard a word from my ex in two months when she text just to call me names. So my question is, is my exBPD/npd deleting her comment to get a rise out of me or so I know she's looking at my stuff?  Obviously She's fb stalking my page and to do that she's thinking about me or wondering what I'm up to. I think it's funny she's acting like a 3 yr old

I think her behaviors are very immature and figured she's doing the fb stuff so I'll reach out to her and be like wth?

[drummerboy5]

So I've posted a few times about my 32 week pregnant exBPD/npd unblocking me on fb after months of being blocked and being silent. Well today I changed my profile pic to myself and my daughter that my ex liked and commented on back in November. The pic was public and after getting a notification a fb friend liked it I noticed my exBPD/npd deleted her comment and unliked the pic . I haven't heard a word from my ex in two months when she text just to call me names. So my question is, is my exBPD/npd deleting her comment to get a rise out of me or so I know she's looking at my stuff?  Obviously She's fb stalking my page and to do that she's thinking about me or wondering what I'm up to. I think it's funny she's acting like a 3 yr old

I think her behaviors are very immature and figured she's doing the fb stuff so I'll reach out to her and be like wth?

[sweet tooth]

So I've posted a few times about my 32 week pregnant exBPD/npd unblocking me on fb after months of being blocked and being silent. Well today I changed my profile pic to myself and my daughter that my ex liked and commented on back in November. The pic was public and after getting a notification a fb friend liked it I noticed my exBPD/npd deleted her comment and unliked the pic . I haven't heard a word from my ex in two months when she text just to call me names. So my question is, is my exBPD/npd deleting her comment to get a rise out of me or so I know she's looking at my stuff?  Obviously She's fb stalking my page and to do that she's thinking about me or wondering what I'm up to. I think it's funny she's acting like a 3 yr old

I think her behaviors are very immature and figured she's doing the fb stuff so I'll reach out to her and be like wth?

I think you're right. She wants a reaction out of you.

[drummerboy5]

So I've posted a few times about my 32 week pregnant exBPD/npd unblocking me on fb after months of being blocked and being silent. Well today I changed my profile pic to myself and my daughter that my ex liked and commented on back in November. The pic was public and after getting a notification a fb friend liked it I noticed my exBPD/npd deleted her comment and unliked the pic . I haven't heard a word from my ex in two months when she text just to call me names. So my question is, is my exBPD/npd deleting her comment to get a rise out of me or so I know she's looking at my stuff?  Obviously She's fb stalking my page and to do that she's thinking about me or wondering what I'm up to. I think it's funny she's acting like a 3 yr old

I think her behaviors are very immature and figured she's doing the fb stuff so I'll reach out to her and be like wth?

I think you're right. She wants a reaction out of you.

What I was thinking. She's having a c section June 30th and I haven't tried contacting her since her last ST...

[once removed]

when someone comments on a post that someone else has commented on, that someone else gets a notification. ill assume you know that since you took note that it was a picture she had liked and commented on; correct me if im wrong.

assuming im right, you then posted the picture with that in mind.

so someone commented, and she got a notification, and she removed her comment and unliked the post. all that suggests to me is that she doesnt want a future notification. not that shes trying to get a rise out of you or stalking you. if she wanted to get a rise out of you, she could have commented.

the question here is who is trying to get a rise out of who?

[drummerboy5]

when someone comments on a post that someone else has commented on, that someone else gets a notification. ill assume you know that since you took note that it was a picture she had liked and commented on; correct me if im wrong.

assuming im right, you then posted the picture with that in mind.

so someone commented, and she got a notification, and she removed her comment and unliked the post. all that suggests to me is that she doesnt want a future notification. not that shes trying to get a rise out of you or stalking you. if she wanted to get a rise out of you, she could have commented.

the question here is who is trying to get a rise out of who?

I disagree with you as my ex and I aren't fb friends and haven't been since December,so she would have got a notification also known the case she did some who get a notification she could off turned the notifications off. It was the only pic that was public she deleted a comment on and as far as changing my pics, she's liked or commented on all my pics or liked

[once removed]

so what are you doing with this information, drummerboy5? how does it make you feel?

[drummerboy5]

so what are you doing with this information, drummerboy5? how does it make you feel?

I'm not doing anything with the info other than seeing her messed up behaviors and laughing at her...

[once removed]

is that helping you detach? what stops you from blocking her?

[drummerboy5]

is that helping you detach? what stops you from blocking her?

Blocking her gives her a reaction. It's best not to show anything in my opinion

[Icanteven]

is that helping you detach? what stops you from blocking her?

Blocking her gives her a reaction. It's best not to show anything in my opinion

I struggle with this too.  My wife has unfriended me on Facebook but she still shows up as married, and she hasn't out and out blocked me.  I've disconnected as much as possible from social media, and I really want to block her, but doing so sends a pretty strong message that I really don't intend:  I would block her for my mental health, not out of spite.  She would almost certainly interpret it as further inducement to begin a relationship with someone new.  Not high on my list.

[once removed]

i would tend to agree, personally. i didnt block my ex. however, youre focusing a lot on her actions and reactions here. blocking her, if necessary, can be an action taken for you, irrespective of her reaction. it comes down to whats best for your detaching process. if my ex was peeking at my facebook at the time, i was none the wiser.

[drummerboy5]

I just think her behaviors, saying she hates me and then she is creeping on my fb just shows how unstable she is. I'm not going back into her hell and abuse. I'm damned if I block her and damned if I don't. Yes it bothers me and I wish a child wasn't involved so I could detach completely but I can't. I've detached with love and just want her to be civil and not spiteful, but I know that's a lot to ask.

It was pretty easy to tell her deleting the comment in the pic I just posted. I didn't get upset, sad or anything other than laugh which is good. I'm getting stronger as each day goes by.

[sweet tooth]

is that helping you detach? what stops you from blocking her?

Blocking her gives her a reaction. It's best not to show anything in my opinion

I struggle with this too.  My wife has unfriended me on Facebook but she still shows up as married, and she hasn't out and out blocked me.  I've disconnected as much as possible from social media, and I really want to block her, but doing so sends a pretty strong message that I really don't intend:  I would block her for my mental health, not out of spite.  She would almost certainly interpret it as further inducement to begin a relationship with someone new.  Not high on my list.

I'm of the mind that if the BPD doesn't block you they want a window open so they can re-engage. I'm also of the mind that the Non doesn't block for the same reason.

[drummerboy5]

is that helping you detach? what stops you from blocking her?

Blocking her gives her a reaction. It's best not to show anything in my opinion

I struggle with this too.  My wife has unfriended me on Facebook but she still shows up as married, and she hasn't out and out blocked me.  I've disconnected as much as possible from social media, and I really want to block her, but doing so sends a pretty strong message that I really don't intend:  I would block her for my mental health, not out of spite.  She would almost certainly interpret it as further inducement to begin a relationship with someone new.  Not high on my list.

I'm of the mind that if the BPD doesn't block you they want a window open so they can re-engage. I'm also of the mind that the Non doesn't block for the same reason.

Or the pwBPD wants to hurt you by posting pics of another man or ect. You never know what a pwBPD is up to. My ex is BPD but has nasty npd traits and she likes revenge. She's a very shallow person and picks apart your weaknesses to use against you. My guess is she's been punishing me with the ST of and on since Dec. I think the unblocking and deleting comments is to hurt me and to make me feel guilty/ to get a reaction from me.

It bothers me that anyone could treat another human with suck hate, but that's who she is and I can not change her or will I tolerate her behaviors any longer. I've had enough threats and abuse from her.

[balletomane]

I'm of the mind that if the BPD doesn't block you they want a window open so they can re-engage. I'm also of the mind that the Non doesn't block for the same reason.

I think this is true for my ex and me. During our relationship, whenever he got vicious, I used to worry that he would just disappear on me. Once, when I was hundreds of miles away, he told me he was suicidal and would be dead soon and then stopped replying to my messages for a couple of days. I was panicking, thinking maybe he'd hurt himself and not knowing how to check. He did it to punish me for not being supportive in the right way ("I forgot you're impossible to talk to" so it seemed only a matter of time until he would block me totally. Now I know he would have been unlikely to do that, because of his abandonment fears - he might push me as far away as he could, but he always wanted to have me within reach. I started to see this after he'd cheated on me and replaced me, and I told him that I thought it would be best if we removed each other on social media and had no contact. He got upset and said, ":)on't leave me." I was baffled, because surely when he'd cheated on me he'd taken the decision to leave? But he didn't see it like that.

I removed him from Facebook, but I didn't block him. I think it's true that I wanted to leave a window open for the apology that never comes.

[Turkish]

I blocked my ex while she was still living with me, engaged in her affair (which was "technically" ok on some level because we both agreed we were done... .Though the affair started earlier).

Because... .Who cares what she thinks? I'm not responsible for her feelings.

It took her two weeks to figure it out. "You blocked me?"

Yep.

Boundary. End of discussion. End of that drama. End of virtual world triangulation.

[jhkbuzz]

 

I blocked my ex while she was still living with me, engaged in her affair (which was "technically" ok on some level because we both agreed we were done... .Though the affair started earlier).

Because... .Who cares what she thinks? I'm not responsible for her feelings.

It took her two weeks to figure it out. "You blocked me?"

Yep.

Boundary. End of discussion. End of that drama. End of virtual world triangulation.

[Cazz787]

I blocked mine on FB because her deceitful manipulative self couldn't stop herself from stalking, obsessing and trying to steal my persona or people who cared for me. (And she knew she was blocked within a few hours.)

However I did not block her on my phone so when she texted my silence spoke volumes. None of it was to get a reaction, an apology, recycled, revenge, triangulated, it was all for me and only me. Felt right then and feels even better each day. Detachment finally provides contentment.

Not only did almost 30 years of abuse get me to this point, I can mostly thank a friend I made on here that was a huge help and this group's wisdom in general. Some days aren't easy, but I understand your laughing at the childish antics. We earned our stripes.

[steelwork]

Gotta say: laughing at (and dissecting) your ex's facebook behavior does not sound like something a person who has detached with love would do. There's no anger or bitterness, really?

[Hadlee]

when someone comments on a post that someone else has commented on, that someone else gets a notification. ill assume you know that since you took note that it was a picture she had liked and commented on; correct me if im wrong.

assuming im right, you then posted the picture with that in mind.

so someone commented, and she got a notification, and she removed her comment and unliked the post. all that suggests to me is that she doesnt want a future notification. not that shes trying to get a rise out of you or stalking you. if she wanted to get a rise out of you, she could have commented.

the question here is who is trying to get a rise out of who?

I disagree with you as my ex and I aren't fb friends and haven't been since December,so she would have got a notification also known the case she did some who get a notification she could off turned the notifications off. It was the only pic that was public she deleted a comment on and as far as changing my pics, she's liked or commented on all my pics or liked

I agree with once removed here.  We still get notified of a comment on a post even if we are no longer friends with someone.  Chances are she didn't want to be further bothered by another comment, so removed hers in order to not receive another notification.  And honestly, I wouldn't even think to change the notification setting - deleting the comment is an easy option.  

In terms of not removing other comments she's made... .that's probably because there have been no recent notifications regarding those, therefore, there is no reminder.

It doesn't seem to me like she is playing games with you

[drummerboy5]

I'm of the mind that if the BPD doesn't block you they want a window open so they can re-engage. I'm also of the mind that the Non doesn't block for the same reason.

I think this is true for my ex and me. During our relationship, whenever he got vicious, I used to worry that he would just disappear on me. Once, when I was hundreds of miles away, he told me he was suicidal and would be dead soon and then stopped replying to my messages for a couple of days. I was panicking, thinking maybe he'd hurt himself and not knowing how to check. He did it to punish me for not being supportive in the right way ("I forgot you're impossible to talk to" so it seemed only a matter of time until he would block me totally. Now I know he would have been unlikely to do that, because of his abandonment fears - he might push me as far away as he could, but he always wanted to have me within reach. I started to see this after he'd cheated on me and replaced me, and I told him that I thought it would be best if we removed each other on social media and had no contact. He got upset and said, ":)on't leave me." I was baffled, because surely when he'd cheated on me he'd taken the decision to leave? But he didn't see it like that.

I removed him from Facebook, but I didn't block him. I think it's true that I wanted to leave a window open for the apology that never comes.

My ex would break the ST a few times since Dec and start problems. She would say things like do you want the child to have your last name because I like mine better! She also stated that if she's happy everyone's happy! Did it hurt me? You bet, but that's what she wanted. When I would express her being mean she would say, I knew better than to give you another chance, you are always causing drama and you are hard to get along with

[C.Stein]

Threads like this remind me of why I am so very glad I never got involved with social media. 

[drummerboy5]

Threads like this remind me of why I am so very glad I never got involved with social media. 

I agree! Social media can be used for good, like keep in contact with family members, but I see so many people living fake lives on fb. For example my exBPD/npd she claims on fb she's Christian and is a good mother. Well she has addiction problems, lives with family and her family takes care of her other child more than she does. Her fb is a scam. She uses fb to attract men because she's not a social person. I can't be upset with her tho as I'm to blame for ignoring the red flags and allowing myself to be in the mess I'm in. If I would of stayed gone the several times I left I wouldn't be having a child with her. My T has taught my a lot in the last three months as she specializes in pwBPD and non recovery.

What it boils down to is pwBPD/npd sometimes pick people who are easy targets, people they know they can manipulate and pull on there heart strings. I was that person and now that I've gained self worth my ex has lost control hence trying to get reactions out of me. If she gets a reaction in her mind she's gained control again.

[once removed]

drummerboy5,

her mind is disordered; youre not really in control of whats in it.

it may be difficult to see, but speculating about who does and doesnt have control or who thinks they have control, is to engage in a continued power struggle.

BPD and npd are two very different disorders, though neither consciously sets out to target or manipulate potential partners; that doesnt at all preclude acting out behaviors or trying to get a reaction out of you (frankly i think deleting her comment is hardly trying to get a reaction out of you; again, if thats what she wanted to do, there are other ways) but this view of BPD may be confusing things.

odds are you are reacting to this knowledge with one of two reactions or both.

1. it makes you feel uncomfortable, frustrated, maybe even violated.

2. it validates you, the attention feels nice, and it keeps you focused on her actions/reactions.

both are natural, and i bounced back and forth between the two when i knew my ex was checking up on me. if the relationship is over, there is no more power struggle - you have all the control, over yourself, in the world. what will you do with it?

ps.

I can't be upset with her tho as I'm to blame for ignoring the red flags and allowing myself to be in the mess I'm in. If I would of stayed gone the several times I left I wouldn't be having a child with her. My T has taught my a lot in the last three months as she specializes in pwBPD and non recovery.

i wouldnt say you cant be upset with her, she hurt you, but this is introspective, useful stuff (doesnt have to be about blame), and taking personal responsibility; its an exercise in controlling the only person you have power over: yourself.