My ex wants to get back together but is still friends with the replacement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My exBPDgf and I have decided to try and take things slow.

I don't think I have the right to tell her who she should be friends with. I would rather her decide on her own to end the frienship she has with the replacement because that makes me uncomfortable or her make an effort to make me feel more secure in our relationship and important.

How do you all think I should discuss this with her? Any ideas? What kind of questions relating to that I should ask?

I have yet to discuss how her leaving our relationship and getting with her friend who was into her instead of talking through things affected me but I told her I understood she was hurt by me and I wasn't someone to turn to at the time no matter what I said. (splitting etc.)

How would you feel if your partner was still friends with a replacement?

Should I tell her I'm uncomfortable about her friendship with the replacement? Should she know I am affected or should I say something about wanting to feel more secure and how she's going to do that for me?

Is this a matter of simply trusting her?

What I wanted at first was for both of us to heal on our own and take some time apart. I wasn't sure when I'd forgive her to be honest, or if I could without her making it up somehow if we went full NC.

I told her I didn't want to get stuck in a position where we are filling each other's time until one of us finds someone new. I also told her I wanted her to choose me for the right reasons and that is something she needs to decide on her own time. Not because single life is difficult and tiring for her, nobodys profile appears to be "the one" and she really need love and affection right now.

She asked me if this was all about me not wanting to feel second rate. Which is true.

I told her yes of course, that I wanted to move on or to work things out better than last time.

She suggested we both give ourselves time to "heal and grow" together and that week one of seeing me again felt good... and right and wants to feel this way all the time. Of course, she does. She's reidealising me it seems or believes I am the best in this town because I take good care of her even though we had some issues that needed resolving and she regrets her decision in breaking up.

She hasn't apologised though, for her actions and hurting me. Because I believe she still thinks I created the distance between us for her to do that and feels justified. Sort of like a revenge for not feeling good enough for me. Because last time she yelled that she didn't feel good enough before breaking up with me. I think this is another issue to bring up. I don't know if I should tell her to say sorry though. I apologised for my share and told her nobody is to be blamed completely for what happened to us. I wish to hear an apology from her too though. I don't know how I am going to get that.

I told her what we have is broken and she agreed that it isn't going to be the same as before both of us got hurt by both our actions. She says she feels apprehensive and a bit anxious that the old problems will resurface but that being with me feels right. She told me she likes how I already know how she feels and it's like I know her well which she thinks is nice.

I haven't given her the chance to see if she is capable of making up for things so that is what is keeping me from healing on my own. If things could possibly change for the better based on what I know now and the attempt for us to communicate better. I know the chances are slim but the hope is still there.

[Curiously1]

My exBPDgf and I have decided to try and take things slow.

I don't think I have the right to tell her who she should be friends with. I would rather her decide on her own to end the frienship she has with the replacement because that makes me uncomfortable or her make an effort to make me feel more secure in our relationship and important.

How do you all think I should discuss this with her? Any ideas? What kind of questions relating to that I should ask?

I have yet to discuss how her leaving our relationship and getting with her friend who was into her instead of talking through things affected me but I told her I understood she was hurt by me and I wasn't someone to turn to at the time no matter what I said. (splitting etc.)

How would you feel if your partner was still friends with a replacement?

Should I tell her I'm uncomfortable about her friendship with the replacement? Should she know I am affected or should I say something about wanting to feel more secure and how she's going to do that for me?

Is this a matter of simply trusting her?

What I wanted at first was for both of us to heal on our own and take some time apart. I wasn't sure when I'd forgive her to be honest, or if I could without her making it up somehow if we went full NC.

I told her I didn't want to get stuck in a position where we are filling each other's time until one of us finds someone new. I also told her I wanted her to choose me for the right reasons and that is something she needs to decide on her own time. Not because single life is difficult and tiring for her, nobodys profile appears to be "the one" and she really need love and affection right now.

She asked me if this was all about me not wanting to feel second rate. Which is true.

I told her yes of course, that I wanted to move on or to work things out better than last time.

She suggested we both give ourselves time to "heal and grow" together and that week one of seeing me again felt good... and right and wants to feel this way all the time. Of course, she does. She's reidealising me it seems or believes I am the best in this town because I take good care of her even though we had some issues that needed resolving and she regrets her decision in breaking up.

She hasn't apologised though, for her actions and hurting me. Because I believe she still thinks I created the distance between us for her to do that and feels justified. Sort of like a revenge for not feeling good enough for me. Because last time she yelled that she didn't feel good enough before breaking up with me. I think this is another issue to bring up. I don't know if I should tell her to say sorry though. I apologised for my share and told her nobody is to be blamed completely for what happened to us. I wish to hear an apology from her too though. I don't know how I am going to get that.

I told her what we have is broken and she agreed that it isn't going to be the same as before both of us got hurt by both our actions. She says she feels apprehensive and a bit anxious that the old problems will resurface but that being with me feels right. She told me she likes how I already know how she feels and it's like I know her well which she thinks is nice.

I haven't given her the chance to see if she is capable of making up for things so that is what is keeping me from healing on my own. If things could possibly change for the better based on what I know now and the attempt for us to communicate better. I know the chances are slim but the hope is still there.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Curious One, This is a pretty common scenario after a b/u with a pwBPD.  Many of us have been down the recycle road.  What makes you think it might go differently this time?  For some of us, a recycle only makes it that much harder and painful to leave the next time.  Suggest you tread carefully and listen to your gut feelings about her friendship with your replacement.

LuckyJim

[hope2727]

Tough one. I have been there. I just had to set a boundary for me. I told him "nope." I'm not ok with that. I understand why you care about her and value your friendship and I am fine with that but I can't be in a relationship like that."

Note... .I am single. They are still friends. I am sure he is triangulating her with his new woman. Whew at least its not me anymore.

Wishing you the best. Keep us posted.

[Cat Familiar]

Yep. Went through this with my first husband prior to marrying him. I wasn't a jealous person, so I was fine that he remained friends with her. What i didn't realize was that his idea of friendship was friends with benefits. Apparently that was going on for a long time before I figured that out.