Silent treatment after surgery...I'm so confused and hurt

[RebeccaN]

I have been with my pwBPD for 2 1/2 years. I actually posted on this site 2 years ago, which is a pretty big reality check. I guess the same patterns continue to repeat themselves, but I get so wrapped up in the "highs" and good times that I just live life waiting for those moments.

Although my pwBPD has always made mountains out of mole hills and will paint almost anyone black in an instant (especially me), there is usually at least some small disagreement or misunderstanding she is reacting to. Her emotions are over the top and inappropriate, but most times I can at least see where things went wrong in her mind.

This time I am at a total loss. She just had surgery and I did literally everything she asked of me and more. I spent every free moment catering to whatever she wanted, and she wasn't even all that nice to me during the process. She tends to talk down to me anyway, but it surprised me she would do this when I was helping her.

Everything was fine in my eyes and then one night she started texting that I hadn't done certain things to take care of her. I was shocked. She later apologized, and I forgave immediately as always. Then two days later she text and said she shouldn't have apologized. I have never in my life heard of someone taking back an apology. Then she went on a rant again about how I didn't do anything or care. It was fairly short and usually when I'm painted black it's dozens of messages fired off very quickly.

I responded that she was being unfair and that I understand she feels vulnerable but I am not the enemy. I told her I shouldn't be the bad guy for trying to be there for her. Then I sent a few other kind things last week and she has ignored me now for 6 days. To make things worse, I just found out from a mutual friend she is saying we aren't together. But there was no break up! How can someone say they love you for years and then just stop talking to you?

She has left me in the past, but never without saying she was leaving. I would almost rather have her yell at me than this. I have no idea how to feel. She always comes back but usually I have to apologize and accept the bad guy role. This time I didn't do anything but love and care for her.

Have any of you gone through break-ups? She goes into a rage, tells everyone close to me how horrible I am, tries purposely to hurt me (she says she wants me to hurt as much as she does), and then one day drops the rage and comes back saying she never stopped loving me. Last time she told me she wanted no contact, so I have it to her out of respect. Then we got back together and she asked why I didn't try writing every day? She had me blocked yet said she checked her email every day. I feel like nothing I do is right.

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[livednlearned]

Hi RebeccaN,

I can see why you would be so hurt. You're trying to care for her in a time of need and nothing you do is right, in fact she seems to just get madder.

I wonder if her surgery made her feel extra dependent. If she has engulfment fears, is it possible they were triggered by needing you more than normal? And then the fears of abandonment could be even more triggery because she needs you.

Just guessing.

My son's father (BPD/NPD) dysregulated very badly when he was sick or injured. I think it triggered a projection of the detached protector role onto me, and I was fused in his mind with his BPD mother.

If something like this were happening for her, perhaps you really were not the enemy. It's possible you were feeling the full force of past hurts and happened to be the person who triggered these unresolved feelings.

[RebeccaN]

Hi RebeccaN,

I can see why you would be so hurt. You're trying to care for her in a time of need and nothing you do is right, in fact she seems to just get madder.

I wonder if her surgery made her feel extra dependent. If she has engulfment fears, is it possible they were triggered by needing you more than normal? And then the fears of abandonment could be even more triggery because she needs you.

Just guessing.

My son's father (BPD/NPD) dysregulated very badly when he was sick or injured. I think it triggered a projection of the detached protector role onto me, and I was fused in his mind with his BPD mother.

If something like this were happening for her, perhaps you really were not the enemy. It's possible you were feeling the full force of past hurts and happened to be the person who triggered these unresolved feelings.

Thank you so much for your insight. It is very interesting to me to hear that your son's father was so affected by injury or illness. It gives me a little peace to at least intellectually understand what may have been the trigger. I have been feeling so confused and in the dark. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience with me.

It's hard not to blame oneself. I am trying to stay strong. How are you holding up?

[livednlearned]

We hold each other up  

These are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult. It helps to have support from people who have walked the same road.

It sounds like there is a history of push and then pull to your r/s, so odds are good that she will be back.

A very helpful communication skill for when she reappears is validation. It will not cure BPD, it does help to mitigate the conflict.

People with BPD tend to feel very victimized and being injured or ill can really step on the gas pedal and make it nearly impossible to feed the need for attention and reassurance. Being strong (she needs this) and having good boundaries will assure her that her out-of-control behavior dissipates into thin air. Over time, she learns that she cannot explode her target and has to find other ways to communicate her needs.

[Sunfl0wer]

This sounds pretty jaded of me... .

After reading around here, it seems common for their pwBPD to not want to talk to you following a hospitalization.

This is when many have found out they were cheating and did not want visitors from different men to see one another.  Or they never told family about them, so felt ashamed to have different worlds collide or such. Or they told lies about who they are and wanted to keep people in their life separate if she told that mom and dad are awful, etc.

This may not be the case for you.

Just throwing it out there though.

[RebeccaN]

We hold each other up  

These are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult. It helps to have support from people who have walked the same road.

It sounds like there is a history of push and then pull to your r/s, so odds are good that she will be back.

A very helpful communication skill for when she reappears is validation. It will not cure BPD, it does help to mitigate the conflict.

People with BPD tend to feel very victimized and being injured or ill can really step on the gas pedal and make it nearly impossible to feed the need for attention and reassurance. Being strong (she needs this) and having good boundaries will assure her that her out-of-control behavior dissipates into thin air. Over time, she learns that she cannot explode her target and has to find other ways to communicate her needs.

Hi again livednlearned,

You are correct, this seems to be the most difficult relationship I have ever had. I am starting to see that I have a pattern of intense relationships, and I think I am drawn to people who seem emotional because I am such a co-dependent. However, I've never loved anyone this much. I was ready to get married and committed to a lifetime even though I know BPD will be a lifelong battle. For my feelings to be so strong and then be tossed aside and ignored like I am a bad one night stand is so hard to deal with or understand.

I read your advice about validation and I have tried to read about it. I think I almost always validate her, but sometimes I also explain why she is wrong and I guess that isn't helpful. It's difficult when she will usually only fight in text, and everything I write most likely is misinterpreted. I'm really going to try hard to keep this in mind if she does initiate contact.

I guess I'm not sure if me being silent is how I should be reacting? She never broke up with me, she just told my friends she's done with me and we aren't together. In the past she said she wished I had tried contacting her even when she blocked me on most avenues. I don't want her to feel unloved, but I also don't want to resort to seeming desperate. I have to maintain at least an ounce of self-respect. It seems it's a delicate balance.

[RebeccaN]

This sounds pretty jaded of me... .

After reading around here, it seems common for their pwBPD to not want to talk to you following a hospitalization.

This is when many have found out they were cheating and did not want visitors from different men to see one another.  Or they never told family about them, so felt ashamed to have different worlds collide or such. Or they told lies about who they are and wanted to keep people in their life separate if she told that mom and dad are awful, etc.

This may not be the case for you.

Just throwing it out there though.

Hi SunflOwer,

I appreciate your input. Honestly, I do know that her best friend doesn't know we have been back together for almost 9 months. She still has had me blocked on her social media accounts and has not had any photos of me in her home this whole time. I told her a few times I felt like a secret, but she would fly off the handle and say I'm controlling. Or that I didn't care that her best friend might disown her for taking me back. (Because she has painted me black so many times that of course her friend thinks I'm pure evil). She did spend almost every night with me and call or text dozens of times a day, so I really wasn't that concerned. However, now I realize it is a little strange.