When will anger and relief take the place of missing him?

[londons]

Here is an abstract question, but it ails me every minute of every day.  This question is effecting my ability to work, relax, parent and basically, function.  I still see no light at the end of the tunnel.  I have every reason to feel blessed, even his replacing me is a blessing I know, but I just cant stop the agony brought on by our pending divorce... .  And I cant stop feeling sorry for myself.  It never leaves my mind and is such a heavy burden on my heart and soul.   I ask... WHEN WILL I BE PISSED OFF AT HIM?  I HAVE EVERY REASON TO DESPISE HIM, AND YET... .I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING ANGRY.  I STILL LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART, AND WANT HIM BACK!   I am not sure what phase I am in, but it's lasting way too long.  When does the anger hit?  I know it is different for everyone; and I am doing everything in my power to stay busy, positive, and productive.  But my missing him weighs so heavy on my mind.  Again, when will I be pissed off?   If I could be angry, this would be so much easier.  What the hail am I missing?  Lies?  Drug Abuse?  False Accusations?  A one sided marriage?  Being deathly afraid of his reactions to things?  How the hail can I still love him so much after what he has put me and our beautiful 8 (combined) kids thru?  We dated 5 years, married 4, and separated 5 months.  He recently let me know that he would like a divorce.  My therapist said to anticipate one year at least to heal, but I would heal so much faster if I had the appropriate reaction to his rejecting me.  I liken it to a drug addict, they do not love heroin, and it can ruin their life, but they need it. Is it because we want what we cannot have?   Friends, why am I not furious with my ex bph?

[JerryRG]

Hey londons

I think we all grieve at our own pace, I'm sorry you are having so much pain right now. I tell myself that this will pass and we will feel better. We are not trapped, pwBPD are.

I forgive my exgf and feel sorry for her then get so angry I want to slap her face for all the mean degrading things she's said to me.

I make amends and she sends me pictures about her being abused. She's still a victim.

I think your anger will come when your ready, don't rush the process.

I wrote down all the crazy so I wouldn't forget who she really is and to keep me from going back or even thinking about it.

Be good to yourself and trust you will heal at the pace you are meant too.

Hope you feel better, this can be hell.

[londons]

thanks, jerry.  i know that u have endured a roller coaster ride, also. you are so wise.  i hope the anger comes soon, cuz at this rate     ( 0 improvement in 5 months), i will be about 87 when i come to terms with the situation, get appropriately angry, and date another man.  but you can bet he wont have BPD!  i , too, wrote a list to review when i need a kick in the right direction.  get this:  it is a list of 37 red flags that i was a witness to over the 9 year span.  37!  and they are all MAJOR, not "toilet seat/toothpaste cap" issues.  heaven help us... . 

[JerryRG]

Hey londons

I ignored a few red flags myself,   

And yes God help us

[londons]

we are just wishful thinkers... .we thought love would prevail... .   maybe we like a challenge... .  maybe they were just too dang good lookin.  who knows why we hung around for the next red flag.  my first red flag was the first day i met him.  good job, londons!  way to hang in there for 36 more    ugh    but as strong as those red flags waved, the sexual chemistry blew up the lab... .     

[JerryRG]

My first  ?

She told me the first time we met, "Jerry you don't want nothing to do with me because I will F up your life"

Nah, I know better... .

[londons]

right?    maybe you thought she said, "i will  FIX  up your life"... .           i was at applebees restaurant.  when my ex said, on our first date, "if you really knew me, you wouldnt like me either (referring to himself).    i must have been hungry, cuz i stayed... .   for 9 loonnngggg years.   i just thought he had self esteem issues, and since i build self esteem for a living,  building his was going to be noo problem... .

[Herodias]

Now we know when someone tells you something up front- believe them! Except when they are liars, this guy in my building told me to excuse his hiccuping. He said he got attacked at work by a very large man and he hit his head...   He was now having allot of trouble- like hiccups... .He smelled like BEER! Now, that's a red flag! It takes time to get over these people! Next time we need to take more time to get to know someone!

[londons]

blue, say it aint so!  i did not know getting hit over the head could result in hiccups!  oh my... .   i dated my ex for 2 years, was engaged for 3!  i was being extra cautious so that i would know him WELL before we tied the knot.  i was so naive i thought he only had eyes for me til the very, very end.  i did not know he lied non stop until the very end (9 years). but then looking back, i realized he lied A LOT.  when i started catching him in lies is when the real problems started and then escalated.  the last year was filled with lies, and we fought because sex was less and less.  i told him being lied to isnt the best turn.  in fact, it is a major turn off.  i needed emotional support, he needed physical support, and we werent getting those needs met... .  it was a circle , if u see what i mean     he couldnt give me emotional satisfaction if i wasnt giving him physical, i couldnt give him physical if i wasnt getting emotional, etc.    he just got mean.   i am not a big fan of mean.  then the valium, car crashes, lies, always saying i was doing something i was not doing.  then i asked him to leave for 6 months to focus on us.    i would focus,  too.  i focused, missed him, wanted him to come home, and poof!    his love went elsewhere.  its disgusting.   and here i am kicking myself for asking him to leave, cuz if i hadnt , i might have him home with me now... .    so sad.   i know i am better off.  but my heart is stubborn.  anyway, thanks for listening.   i need a glass of water now,  i have the hiccups.

[WishIKnew82]

I had a 5 year long very very very intense relationship in which my life was ALL about him.

It's been over for almost a year now (NC) and even though I get pissed off, I still miss him more then I could ever be pissed at him for. It is insane! Especially since I know he DESPISES ME with EVERY FIBER of his being.

How can I miss and love someone who hates my guts. I wish there were fases. I go from anger to sympathy to sadness. There is no fase. Its a mix of everything. I don't even want the anger either. I just want to feel (as I have felt fortunately quite a few times now) like he is not my worry anymore and I deserve to focus on me. Indifference is what I am pining for.

I wish you the best. Since it is only 5 months for you and you have been together for a whole lot of years it will take time. Waiting game and going through the motions of it all is all we can do I guess.

[Leonis]

I was with my ex for about a year and half. Known each other for about two.

What finally made me feel less sad about the relationship falling apart was a recent event involving her family that pushed me over the edge. It's only been about a month since the breakup, but most communications have been blocked save it for email and phone in case there may be legal stuff involved.

I ignored some red flags too, especially after witnessing how dysfunctional her family is like the stories she's told me.

I'll admit it too. I still have feelings for her, but I just don't have any logical reasoning to sustaining that motion. I felt like I wasted my life away and it sucks because I'd like to settle and have a family. I'm only 27 right now, but I feel a bit of angst for her delaying me and the fact I pursued the relationship after the first time she broke up with me last May.

[blackbirdsong]

During one of my therapy sessions I asked my T that I have studied something about grieving process and that usually it includes the anger phase. But that I don't experience it. I asked why is this the case and when it will come, under which circumstances?

She said to me something like this: 'Why do you think you need to feel anger? Every person experiences grieving differently. Just because anger usually comes doesn't mean that it will occur in your case... .Anger is not mandatory in letting go.'

Also, considering the fact that I spent too too too too much time researching about BPD (my T says that it became almost on obsession level, that I know more about BPD than some of her colleagues  ) I believe that also influenced my anger phase nonexistence. I can rationally explain almost every hurtful scene or action from her side. I know it was not planned or with (primary) intention to hurt me and that makes it easier for me. Is it healthy? I don't know yet. But in short term it helps.

Sometimes I am angry, but it is not directed anger (toward someone) - it seems like I am angry at the whole world, because BPD exist in the first place... .It sounds funny but it is my feeling sometimes.

I really think I cannot be angry at her because she didn't fulfill my expectations and vision of future. It is like I would be mad at someone in wheelchair for not be able to run a marathon... .

[Ahoy]

During one of my therapy sessions I asked my T that I have studied something about grieving process and that usually it includes the anger phase. But that I don't experience it. I asked why is this the case and when it will come, under which circumstances?

She said to me something like this: 'Why do you think you need to feel anger? Every person experiences grieving differently. Just because anger usually comes doesn't mean that it will occur in your case... .Anger is not mandatory in letting go.'

Also, considering the fact that I spent too too too too much time researching about BPD (my T says that it became almost on obsession level, that I know more about BPD than some of her colleagues  ) I believe that also influenced my anger phase nonexistence. I can rationally explain almost every hurtful scene or action from her side. I know it was not planned or with (primary) intention to hurt me and that makes it easier for me. Is it healthy? I don't know yet. But in short term it helps.

Sometimes I am angry, but it is not directed anger (toward someone) - it seems like I am angry at the whole world, because BPD exist in the first place... .It sounds funny but it is my feeling sometimes.

I really think I cannot be angry at her because she didn't fulfill my expectations and vision of future. It is like I would be mad at someone in wheelchair for not be able to run a marathon... .

Firstly, I think I am completely in the same boat as you! I posted last week because I 'finally found my anger' well I did, for a whole 24 hours... .

I too have immersed myself in BPD research. I've tapered off a lot this last 3 weeks, spending more time on hobbies, however I have meticulously deconstructed a lot of my relationship (the bits that make sense to me) and have been able to equate her behavior to what I know of the disorder.

I just posted then that I still get hung up on some illogical behavior on her part but for the most part I do have a reason for why all this happened. I truly believe this has dulled a lot of my anger too! I'm logic driven, as your bolded quote states, how the heck can you logically get angry at someone who LITERALLY isn't equipped with the tools necessary for having a healthy consensual adult relationship!

[C.Stein]

I ask... WHEN WILL I BE PISSED OFF AT HIM?  I HAVE EVERY REASON TO DESPISE HIM, AND YET... .I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING ANGRY. 

It will come eventually.  Everyone progresses through the stages at their own pace.  You can't rush it or make it happen any faster.  When you are ready to feel anger you will.  It took me over 5 months to really start feeling the anger and that anger has been with me since, albeit much much less now than it was when it started.  Now at about 10 months post trash bin I feel mostly sorrow, sadness, anger and pain.  I still feel the pain physically, but it is slowly going away as I feel I am getting closer to accepting what happened and that my ex simply could not consistently and reliably be the person who I believed her to be.  This is what I now need to believe and I do struggle with it still.   I will eventually get there and so will you.  Believe in yourself and your ability to get through this because you can and will!   

[C.Stein]

I just posted then that I still get hung up on some illogical behavior on her part but for the most part I do have a reason for why all this happened. I truly believe this has dulled a lot of my anger too! I'm logic driven, as your bolded quote states, how the heck can you logically get angry at someone who LITERALLY isn't equipped with the tools necessary for having a healthy consensual adult relationship!

I am also very analytical and logical minded but I can get angry at her for good reason.  Regardless of the disorder and what that entails, it does not make her ineligible to conduct herself with integrity, honesty and respect. 

[Ahoy]

I just posted then that I still get hung up on some illogical behavior on her part but for the most part I do have a reason for why all this happened. I truly believe this has dulled a lot of my anger too! I'm logic driven, as your bolded quote states, how the heck can you logically get angry at someone who LITERALLY isn't equipped with the tools necessary for having a healthy consensual adult relationship!

I am also very analytical and logical minded but I can get angry at her for good reason.  Regardless of the disorder and what that entails, it does not make her ineligible to conduct herself with integrity, honesty and respect. 

And that's a very fair call. In moments of anger, I did definitely feel anger that I offered for her to move back to my state, in the capitol city (not the bush where I live now) where she wouldn't have to work, I would fully support her while she sought professional help for her issues (she had a bombshell drop about her father, she claimed she had PTSD)

I tried everything to get her to come back and get help, compromises up the wazoo, to the point of sending her on flights back to her home state every 4 weeks so she wouldn't get homesick.

Nope, she took the easy way out, she chose to replace me, cheat, lie and continue to manipulate. It's a real shame, I hope she one day regrets this decision, I don't foresee this happening.

So yeah I do have little flashes of anger, you are right again, the disorder doesn't inhibit their ability to see right from wrong.

[londons]

wow... .  thanks... .dear wish, why does he hate you? (as in, what does he THINK you did wrong?)  i read this 3 times, in shock because of the "exactness" to my relationship.    indifference!  yes ! that is what i want!  where can i order some of that?  !   everything, everything reminds me of him. it's annoying.     the house, the car, my country music station, etc.   heck, he left his 175 pound dog here.   and said, why would i take her with me?  the other dog would miss her.  as if he was thinking of the other dog!  give me a break.  yes, everything was about him, i spent my day making sure he was happy and that things were running smoothly in his life.  getting only his good looks in return.  thanks for your nice wish, i needed it!  i wish everyone on this site could get together for a whop whop fest!  hugs, londons

[C.Stein]

everything, everything reminds me of him

Totally get this.  Her "ghost" is everywhere.  Even something as simple as a commercial on TV that has nothing to do with her will trigger thoughts of her.  I want her "ghost" to go somewhere else.

[MapleBob]

The only true answer is "eventually", but do know that one day you will experience some relief.

[hope2727]

everything, everything reminds me of him

Totally get this.  Her "ghost" is everywhere.  Even something as simple as a commercial on TV that has nothing to do with her will trigger thoughts of her.  I want her "ghost" to go somewhere else.

Oh  I so understand about the ghost. I feel him absolutely everywhere. I actually had a realtor over to sell the house yesterday because I just can't take it anymore.

[JerryRG]

I sometimes think of my exgf and I realize she just a thought, a ghost, a mirage that I control. I simply shake her ghost out of my head and she desolves into an evaporating cloud. My exgf never did exsist, she was just a figment of my imagination so I need to treat her as such.

She cannot harm me anymore, her illness is her curse and I allowed it to be mine for a time. She is the one truly haunted, it is her who can never relax knowing the thousands of lies follow her heals no matter where she goes. It is her who says her whole family hate her because of how she treated them. It is her that has to live in terror of someday having to cry out that someone is hurting her and no one will come to help because no will listen any longer.

It is her who believes everyone lies like her so she's forever trapped not trusting anyone else.

Yes she's the one who's haunted and tortured and black and hopeless because she is sick with no way out.

I allowed her poisen to poisen me, I thought if I could take the poisen it would save her, she just produced more poisen and I got sicker and weaker and she is still her.

She will never rest, she will never have peace, she will never know happiness, she will continue to drink her poisen and carefully package it to look like wine to feed to others until they too get sick.

She can't help herself, it's her nature to destroy

[Herodias]

" i was so naive i thought he only had eyes for me til the very, very end.  i did not know he lied non stop until the very end (9 years). but then looking back, i realized he lied A LOT.  when i started catching him in lies is when the real problems started and then escalated.  the last year was filled with lies, and we fought because sex was less and less.  i told him being lied to isnt the best turn.  in fact, it is a major turn off.  i needed emotional support, he needed physical support, and we werent getting those needs met... .  it was a circle , if u see what i mean     he couldnt give me emotional satisfaction if i wasnt giving him physical, i couldnt give him physical if i wasnt getting emotional, etc.    he just got mean.   i am not a big fan of mean.  then the valium, car crashes, lies, always saying i was doing something i was not doing.  then i asked him to leave for 6 months to focus on us.    i would focus,  too.  i focused, missed him, wanted him to come home, and poof!    his love went elsewhere."


Wow londons, were we with the same guy? This is my story too... .Except I knew mine was lying the whole time and felt sorry for him somehow... .I just never thought he was cheating the whole time. Weird how ours both did the pills, car crashes (lots), accusations and then went off to someone else... .That's wild. Mine has a pending felony for the last one... .that will be up in June along with the divorce. Usually when he doesn't have a pending charge, the behavior starts again. He will get off on that one with good behavior. The physical suffered from the lack of emotional on my end as well. I totally understand and I think that is with any relationship. Seems worse in these, because they don't understand that.

[Herodias]

everything, everything reminds me of him

Totally get this.  Her "ghost" is everywhere.  Even something as simple as a commercial on TV that has nothing to do with her will trigger thoughts of her.  I want her "ghost" to go somewhere else.

I was listening to music on my way home from my parents tonight... .Several songs came on that were songs he and I listened to when we first got together... .One being "Apologize" by Timberland... .Should have been a red flag to me,  Anyway, I started crying remembering some of the good times and decided to go with it, as you guys keep telling me its good to cry and let it out. I got home and decided to really do it up and look at photo books I had made that I hadn't looked at in over a year. Instead of crying, I noticed that the pictures I had when we first met were the ones that were happy. Then the wedding photos I looked scared, he looked happy (yet he had a smirk)... .then all of the pictures after that I remembered all the drama and circumstances going on that were not fun at all. All the vacations were he was being mean or I found out he was chatting up other women(actually pictures of him on his cell phone) or sometimes he actually looked mean in the pictures! I stopped crying. That's when I realized, I don't miss my husband, I miss the guy I was dating 9 years ago... .he has not been that guy the whole marriage.

[londons]

ditto all of that!  yes, blue, i keep telling u we have exact stories!  that is why i love reading your posts. i am glad u are having a pain free day!   my guy tried to keep the car crashes a secret.   or blame the crashes on tourists in parking lots!.     one of our biggest fights was when i took the keys to all the cars and told him i would drive him places til he got off the valium     he could not understand that i was looking out for his safety and anyone in another car that might have been killed. he screamed at me til i gave them back.     so, i took him off the insurance that day,      he use to drive so bad and i didnt put 2 and 2 together.   he also went to jail, becasue of his reckless driving and they found narcotics in his car.  i bailed him out of course.    and he promised... .never again... .        my ex owes 150000 to the irs from his pro baseball years.   he throws bills in the trash!  no sense of responsibilty.   i knew better at the beginning to keep my accounts separate from his cuz i didnt like the way he handled things.    the man i love didnt exist either, blue.   he was a fake from day one.   and i knew it was too good to be true, but kept going with it, thinking... .  well, no, i guess i wasnt thinking.  if i was, i would have listened to my gut.       blue, we have the saaaammmee story! 

[Herodias]

ditto all of that!  yes, blue, i keep telling u we have exact stories!  that is why i love reading your posts. i am glad u are having a pain free day!   my guy tried to keep the car crashes a secret.   or blame the crashes on tourists in parking lots!.     one of our biggest fights was when i took the keys to all the cars and told him i would drive him places til he got off the valium     he could not understand that i was looking out for his safety and anyone in another car that might have been killed. he screamed at me til i gave them back.     so, i took him off the insurance that day,      he use to drive so bad and i didnt put 2 and 2 together.   he also went to jail, becasue of his reckless driving and they found narcotics in his car.  i bailed him out of course.    and he promised... .never again... .       my ex owes 150000 to the irs from his pro baseball years.   he throws bills in the trash!  no sense of responsibilty.   i knew better at the beginning to keep my accounts separate from his cuz i didnt like the way he handled things.    the man i love didnt exist either, blue.   he was a fake from day one.   and i knew it was too good to be true, but kept going with it, thinking... . well, no, i guess i wasnt thinking.  if i was, i would have listened to my gut.       blue, we have the saaaammmee story!  

Amazing! In Jan. 2015 mine was driving while on Xanax bars... .he stole them from someone named "bad kitty" in his contacts apparently- I don't think I will ever know the whole story. He was arrested for possession of someone else prescription drugs with intent to sell.  He has a pending felony that will be up in June if he has good behavior. I think that is what he is not acting out as he normally does. He is able to control it because of his fear of jail. He has had a DUI and lots and lots of accidents. Lots of them were him ending up in a ditch and walking away. Some of them were with rental cars, hitting curbs and we had to pay a butt load of money to return them and get others! Lots of new cars.  It was awful.  I don't know how he affords the insurance required in this state ! I had separate accounts from him as well. Thank goodness. All of his credit cards are at their limits, closed and in collections... .I was paying off his credit cards for years and even had his credit so good at one point, we could buy a house! Now his credit is bad again. Mine never opens his mail either. I could never take keys away from him... .that would be war. I used to drive him around to get more beer or wine to protect him from himself... .then one day I realized I was enabling him. Sometimes I just said no... .I was very afraid for other people. The night he left on the Xanax, a neighbor said they saw him go off driving on a curb. I honestly ended up letting the police know to watch out for him... .they knew who he was at this point and this is not a small town. I felt awful, but I worried he could hurt someone or even kill them. What a relief to not have to go through this anymore. His parents were always so worried about me, asking if I needed a break from him. Finally told me to save myself. They know how he is... I don't think they know to the degree I do though and I hope they warn the gf to protect that child. Hopefully he won't be around it long enough to do too much damage. It is not my place to tell her. It is his Mothers. I am glad you are out... .Mine owes money to the IRS as well... It is amazing. Mine wasn't a pro baseball guy though- wow, how did he manage to keep his job... .I guess he didn't.

[JerryRG]

Lol, my exgf drove to our local Walmart and told me someone broke INTO her car and left a bottle of pills in her back seat... .

Red flag?

By no means, I can't count how many times this exact thing happened to me. I've found new TVs, jewelry, cash, clothes, hmm one time someone stole my car and left a brand stinking new car right in my parking spot, keys and title in the front seat.

What did I do you ask?

Why I gave this brand new $75,000 car to this homeless guy sitting on the corner begging for food. His dog and he moved in and they are still living comfortably in that new car to this day.

I walked home without my car but I feel better knowing I helped this homeless man out.

Yep it really happened just like that!

No lie

Someone shoot me

[Herodias]

What? A new car? A long time ago my sister left a car in an old apartment complex. She went back to check in on it and apparently a Mexican family moved into it... .Now see, that kind of help feels good. I hope the poor guy could afford the upkeep of the car? What did your wife say?

[JerryRG]

I was kidding Blue 

I was thinking like my ex

[Herodias]

I was kidding Blue 

I was thinking like my ex

.    See how gullible  I am? Lol -I'm a pwBPD's dream! Lie to me and I will believe you... .LoL

[JerryRG]

No we are not gullible, we have been controlled by the inmates, Professor Tar and Dr. Feather kind of thing.

You've heard therapist and doctors say while treating pwBPD they also need a team behind them to support them because of the mind bending experience? Who are we to think we had a chance one on one with them?

I remember one night my ex text me from her treatment facility during the time she was pregnant. I literally was shaking from my feet to my head, I used to hear that text notification and my heart would race and I would go into a serious panic. Why I did this to myself? I do not know