What is she really saying

[Icanteven]

For those of you who've been following my adventures, thanks for your patience.  Quick update:

Wifey went from barely talking with me to talking to me by phone and text every single day; yesterday we spent hours communicating.  But, two things:

1)  I mentioned that our children miss her desperately yesterday, to which she responded that I shouldn't tell her things like that because it breaks her heart.  She then ceased communications for the rest of the evening.  And;

2)  When we spoke yesterday, she said that being married to me was "not in [her] best interest."

I realize that there are a lot of things I can do to trigger her shame and guilt, but "your children miss you," is not on my list of topics I'm going to shy away from.  They miss you.  You are being a terrible human being via this behavior.  I'm not going to back down on that.  Also, "not in my best interest" to be married to me?  There's an almost comical ring to that, given that my wife used to be a successful career woman with a great future and is now in full-time treatment and will certainly be starting her career over when she returns to the work force, on top of having half a dozen mental illnesses and being presently estranged from her family.  Is remaining in our marriage in my best interest?  No, but she's my wife and I vowed to love her for life no matter what.  

I don't even know what to make of her current behavior/communications.  Any thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

That has to be so painful to mention the kids and then get that response.

I remember a member mentioning somewhere on the board that his wife's BPD was, for her, like having a third degree burn (emotionally speaking). Even when our intentions are not to evoke strong emotion, strong emotion is evoked. Being a burn victim, even the hint of touch hurts.

It is shameful to be unable to function as a mother, so her shame meter is probably pretty high, not to mention BPD sufferers in general are soaked in shame.

She will probably be up and down and maybe not heal in the linear way that many would find comforting. A good day is not necessarily followed by another good day. It will up, down, up down.

It's hard to stay grounded and not feel pulled in all directions, though that is what it boils down too. She is too mentally unwell to initiate a divorce, it sounds like. It would take her a degree of effort and cognitive functioning to act on this. It may also be that the comment, "being married to you is not in my best interest" is more like "I am flooded in overwhelming, conflicting, competing, harrowing needs and can barely take care of myself."

[Icanteven]

It's hard to stay grounded and not feel pulled in all directions, though that is what it boils down too... .It may also be that the comment, "being married to you is not in my best interest" is more like "I am flooded in overwhelming, conflicting, competing, harrowing needs and can barely take care of myself."

I get the impression that - as you and I have discussed - her comments, even as recently as this week, about being overwhelmed and unable to manage her emotions make your last sentence at least partly on the nose.

I have done my best to VAT during this process, and I've laid major groundwork that I know she's personality disordered in addition to everything else, which she's not acknowledged directly but has acknowledged she needs to address via the tools necessary to deal with personality disorders as opposed to mood disorders.  But, when I told her today that I'd be willing to wait for her to finish her treatment program - even if that's months down the line - if she'd be willing to work on our marriage when she was done, she was still unwilling to consider that as an option.

The only thing I have is hope.  Long term, I have a very good inkling of how her life goes, but I will not abandon her or leave her because she is my wife and I promised to her and God that I belonged to her.  It's so frustrating because friends, family, therapists, mental health professionals, etc. have all - TO A PERSON - said to cut bait, protect the children (as I am and will continue to do), and move on. 

What message does that give to my kids, though?  Mom got sick so I left?  What kind of person does that make me?  My wife is in a full blown mental health crisis so after a few months I can just walk away?

If I were sick would I be ok if she left me? 

[livednlearned]

In general, people (including health care providers) don't do a good job equipping us with skills to handle mentally ill loved ones. They mean well, and lacking a clear plan with effective skills and proper support, they default to the only boundary they understand, which is to encourage us to leave. It's certainly an expedient way to deal with issues, though may not be quite as effective as it can seem.

I left my ex before I learned about BPD. I experienced the psychological effects of getting out of the marriage, only to see emerging BPD traits in my teen age son. Many of the skills I never had the opportunity to try with my ex had to be rapidly developed to support my son. Thousands of dollars in therapy for both of us helped core wounds though the skills I needed to support him day-to-day came from peers and collective wisdom here.

About your wife. With BPD, it's about actions more than words. Even if she committed to work on the marriage, you have only a moment of certainty before it's onto the next feeling. Feeling uncertain is painful for you for obvious reasons. She is on that roller coaster, you want her to get off, or at least promise to learn to get off and stand on the ground with you. First, she has to want to get off (sounds like she is working on that), and then she has to learn the skills to understand how to do that (working on that as best she can), then she has to apply those skills in her life, probably something no one will know whether she can do until the time comes. Even then, there will be relapses, and ongoing challenges, for her and for the family, being that you are all human.

It takes a lot of strength to do this, Icanteven. She cannot give much right now, and you understandably want at least a minimum from her. Do you think you can give yourself a moratorium on relationship talk until a certain date that makes sense for the two of you? It means managing your frustrations and grief and sadness on your own, not with her. That would be hard for anyone.

[Icanteven]

It takes a lot of strength to do this, Icanteven. She cannot give much right now, and you understandably want at least a minimum from her. Do you think you can give yourself a moratorium on relationship talk until a certain date that makes sense for the two of you? It means managing your frustrations and grief and sadness on your own, not with her. That would be hard for anyone.

I don't even want a minimum from her.  I just want to have the chance to reconcile our marriage down the road.  Right now she's not interested in that either.

There are any number of combinations I'd be willing to explore.  For her, it's over. 

As I said to her on the phone, couples argue; couples don't have an argument and one of them leave and decide the marriage is over and be in the middle of a mental health crisis and that be considered normal.