What does this text mean please?

[Larmoyant]

I’m moving house in a week and my exNPD/BPD is aware of this, but doesn’t know where. It could be my opportunity to go NC properly, and start to recover from all the loss and trauma associated with this relationship. My therapist has advised this, as have friends and family, and deep down I know it too because all I’m doing everyday is hurting and obsessing about him.

He has been unbelievably cruel to the point of sadistic at times and I’m ruined as a person, but I want to rebuild my life even though sometimes it feels too hard. Other times I want him back so much.

He sent me this text today and I don’t know what to make of it. Could someone help me understand it please? Is there push/pull in here? I also think he knows how much I’m hurting and that’s why he’s sent me the sad song, although he has always sent me sad songs. I think he’s referring to me being hurt not him.

This is what he wrote:

“I am not the one. I wanted to be and I’ll always care. I know you really know you. I tried very very hard. Everybody Hurts (with a link to the song)”.

Can anyone help me to understand this please?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant.

I've been doing some training on the Four Agreements today. One of those is ':)o not make assumptions'. It strikes me that you and I and the rest of the posters on BPD Family could hypothesise about what your BPD meant all day, but none of us can ever truly know, only your BPDxbf knows. The way round it is to ask questions. He may or may not tell you what he really meant, it may or may not be the truth, he may or may not reveal his motivation for sending it to you but only he can answer the question you pose here. The questions I want to ask you to consider asking yourself are: What do you fear he is saying and how does that impact upon you? What do you want it to mean? What are you hoping for? And is it enough to warrant contact or are you better off never knowing what he meant?

Love Lifewriter

[Hadlee]

I’m moving house in a week and my exNPD/BPD is aware of this, but doesn’t know where. It could be my opportunity to go NC properly, and start to recover from all the loss and trauma associated with this relationship. My therapist has advised this, as have friends and family, and deep down I know it too because all I’m doing everyday is hurting and obsessing about him.

This IS a perfect opportunity for a fresh start.  Freedom at last!  Listen to your therapist - this will end up being the best move you could make.  It's hard now, but that won't be the case forever.

Block him everywhere you can!  Focus on you now

[bus boy]

What Busygall said.

[freemanstrut]

There is no making sense of this kind of crazy.  Learning to not even try to understand or put reason to what might guide BPD behavior was very difficult for me, but it was necessary

Are you moved out?  :)o you have any obligation to be in his physical presence at any time in the future?  If no, go and stay NC.  It's hard but it's the only thing that works.

If you do - still ignore that text.  It's ___ing meaningless.

[Larmoyant]

Lifewriter16,  I fear that he won’t come back . Part of me is hoping he wants to come back and I fear that I will miss this chance if he’s trying to reconnect. I feel absolutely crazy even saying that! Realistically, I know what that would mean. A very, very short honeymoon period followed by more abuse, probably even worse than before because I walked away from him and he’ll make me pay just like he has before.

I’m not going to respond because I’m scared he’ll hurt me. If it was clear what he was saying I might, but it isn’t (it never is). I’m always left wondering what he means. I could ask him to explain what he means, but I did that last time he contacted me and it didn’t get anywhere other than him blaming me for everything and accusations about me with other men. If it’s a ‘goodbye’ text then why not just say goodbye. Freeman, it is meaningless. I don’t get it.

Busygall, bus boy, this is the most sensible decision I could make. Start over. I have no reason to see him in the future, none. I’ve got 6 days to find the courage to do this, but I feel sad to close the door forever. It hurts.

[Hadlee]

Busygall, bus boy, this is the most sensible decision I could make. Start over. I have no reason to see him in the future, none. I’ve got 6 days to find the courage to do this, but I feel sad to close the door forever. It hurts.

It does hurt like hell.  I honestly have not experienced pain quite like it before.  But... .time heals.  And once you pass through the storm, there are clear skies ahead.  The further out you get, the better you feel, and the more grateful you are to be OUT!

Big hugs, Larmoyant.  You can do this

[KarenDH]

9 months ago my uBPDw sent me a beautiful email that said most of the things I wanted to hear two years ago- when she kicked me out and I eventually left. She even included a poem that showed insight, remorse and love in a way that was very personal to both of us. I cried for a week trying to figure out what that meant. I wondered if I still loved her. I wondered if I could still love her. But I knew she was still not well and not getting any help. Very soon after she was "engaged" to someone despite the fact that we aren't divorced, yet. Then that ended and I watched a very familiar pattern happen from a very are distance. She never admitted that she may have been wrong, she never admitted that she needed help. She never acknowledged any of the hateful things she said and did. Instead it was a blanket sort of thing like "people make mistakes... "  Those messages were all about her and did not value me as a person.

Think of your own healing. It doesn't mean you love him less. You're wounded and healing. None of us can make decisions from a safe place when we are rebuilding. Take it slowly, and try to be kind and loving to yourself first and foremost. We are not responsible for the happiness of others- especially not at the expense of our own.

K

[JQ]

Hi Larmoyant,

I completely agree with what Lifewriter has said, "It strikes me that you and I and the rest of the posters on BPD Family could hypothesis about what your BPD meant all day, but none of us can ever truly know, only your BPDxbf knows."  My exBPDgf has sent me more then a couple of those "encrypted" texts and I responded and tried to have a dialog about what she meant, how we could work on things, not give up, etc. etc. etc.  I really tried to understand & have a conversation about what she was feeling, thinking.  It was a exercise in futility and I was left off much worse then I was before the text.

I've received other texts like others in the group from my exBPDgf saying, "I'm broken" and I've come to learn that is certainly what she is, BROKEN.  I keep going back to this one statement I've made to the group and myself more then once. "What made me think that I could really make a difference in her life when Ph.d's, Clinical Therapist, Clinical Phycologist couldn't make a difference in over 25 years of therapy?"  She is truly broken and there isn't a damn thing I, you, the group, or mental health professionals much smarter then I could do to ever fix that.

If I may, a lot of us are or were where you're at in this point in time. Working on yourself, working on NC, doubting yourself, hoping, wishing, wanting, needing. Here's a few quotes that I have or do apply to daily life ... . "there is always an internal voice questioning the choices we've made,  dwelling on the past only allows mistakes free reign in your head". "The thing about pain, it demands to be felt"

"The most important life lesson I've ever learned is this, sometimes people leave, sometimes unexpectedly, take a deep breath and morn the loss and start living again."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k

Life isn't easy, it's going to kick you down and hope you don't get back up.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

The group is here with a hand out pulling you up, dust you off and NOW it's all you!  Chase life again! Explore & enjoy life!

J

[Fr4nz]

This is what he wrote:

“I am not the one. I wanted to be and I’ll always care. I know you really know you. I tried very very hard. Everybody Hurts (with a link to the song)”.

Can anyone help me to understand this please?

It seems typical BPD shame, and perhaps fears of abandonment.

It seems also to understand that his actions were bad, and perhaps he has some insight; still, he's probably unable to change (that requires a therapist) and/or he's unaware he is BPD.

[schwing]

He sent me this text today and I don’t know what to make of it. Could someone help me understand it please? Is there push/pull in here? I also think he knows how much I’m hurting and that’s why he’s sent me the sad song, although he has always sent me sad songs. I think he’s referring to me being hurt not him.

This is what he wrote:

“I am not the one. I wanted to be and I’ll always care. I know you really know you. I tried very very hard. Everybody Hurts (with a link to the song)”.

Can anyone help me to understand this please?

The text is a simultaneous push-pull.  The pull is "... .I'll always care.  I know you really know you... ."  and the song.  The push is "I am not the one."  The text makes it seem like what you are going through is normal... ."everybody hurts."  But I would argue that it is not "normal" in the sense that people who are not disordered don't behave in the manner that he has over the course of your relationship.

"I am not the one."

In his mind, he just has to find "the one" person who does not trigger his disordered fear/feelings of abandonment.  I think he is referring to you but thinking of himself (projection?).  You do not believe in "the one" do you?  Well, I am certain the criteria for your "one" is very different from his "one."  In any case, no one will ever be his "one" because everyone will trigger his disordered fear/feelings; his disorder is aggravated by intimacy and familiarity.  

This is why at the beginning of your relationship when there was little true intimacy/familiarity, his disordered fear/feelings seemed under control -- this is when he believed that you were "the one."  But once you started spending time together, when you started to become more familiar (like family), this is when his disordered feelings kicked in.  And each time his disordered fear of abandonment kicked in, he blamed you.  Why would he feel like you were going to abandon him?  He choose to believe that this was your hidden intent.  He refused to believe that the problem resides in himself.

"I tried very very hard."

This may be.  But he has tried to fix the wrong problem.  He tried to be your "one" as much as he could. Probably enough to convince you that he was perfect for you (for a time).  But it is not up to you to "fix" him.  There is nothing you can do that would cure him of his issues.

I hope this makes sense.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Lifewriter16]

Lifewriter16,  I fear that he won’t come back . Part of me is hoping he wants to come back and I fear that I will miss this chance if he’s trying to reconnect. I feel absolutely crazy even saying that! Realistically, I know what that would mean. A very, very short honeymoon period followed by more abuse, probably even worse than before because I walked away from him and he’ll make me pay just like he has before.

I’m not going to respond because I’m scared he’ll hurt me... .

I too fear my BPDxbf won't come back. I also fear that he will. In spite of the abuse, the chaos, the drama, so many of us just want our pwBPD back and it is absolutely heart breaking to have to resist any overture or contact we get for our own good, especially when we are used to paying no attention whatsoever to our own emotional wellbeing and safety or we have been taught that repercussions come from trying to assert or protect ourselves. It is a hard path we are taking, but I believe that one day we will look back with relief rather than regrets. I've had a miserable week since deciding to join the domestic violence support group, but I have finally turned a corner. One thing that helped me was reading the article on trauma bonding. I had read it before, but I hadn't really understood it then. Here it is:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a121.htm

Another thing that helped me was having a personal conversation about the things I felt were too private to post here. I took the risk and told a couple of people exactly how it is and what it's been like. It's been a burden that I have kept to myself for far too long. I feel better for sharing it.

Keep taking one day at a time (or sometimes one minute at a time). I'm sending you big hugs. 

Love Lifewriter

[JQ]

Larmoyant,

Schwing, & Lifewriter have explained some good points here. Schwing, points out the "Push/Pull" behavior quite well in addition to fear of abandonment. I had very similar experiences with exBPDgf with her text & IM's. I recently came across a series of IM's from FB from her and she points out similar circumstances and sent me a link to try and explain why she felt abandoned. And like your BPD points, out, she tried very hard too, but told me that maybe in 5-10 yrs it might be able to work. Push then pull as you can see. I know without a doubt that I severely triggered her abandonment fears the last time we spoke. I refused to come over to see her, spend a week with her as long as BF2 was still in the picture. It was a boundary I had set and was maintaining it, and since then it's been pretty much NC situation with her calling twice and hanging up after one call and both of us exchanging a simple, "Hi" text once or twice long ago. 

As LW points out, it's a double edge knife when you have someone who is BPD in your life. You wish for them to come back, but at the same time you dread the moment when you see that text, the phone call. Everyone in the group would have to admit that there comes a point in the BPD r/s when they do that your anxiety increases, and you for a moment don't know what to do or the fact you let it go to voicemail. As LW says, live your life WITHOUT regrets.

I must admit that I was wanting to reach out to her, call her, hear her voice again. Maybe start up a conversation, simple at first, casual, no pressure and see where it would go. Then looking for something entirely different I came across her last IM's and it triggered memories in me ... .the bad ones, the drama, the chaos, the flying monkey's that she let out of her cages and expect me to put back in. I rode that crazy train roller coaster and got sick of it. BTW, when I hear Ozzy Osborn Crazy Train, "Alllll aboard" I smile at the situation I am no longer a part of. 

Continue on your path you've chosen, it seems to be a good one on the way to healing, knowledge and power. The group is giving you some great insight, support and guidance, it's what we do for each other.

J

[Larmoyant]

I’ve just woken up after just four hours sleep, confused, with mixed feelings. As JQ writes I’m doubting myself,” hoping, wishing, wanting and needing”. I don’t want to fall into the temporary comfort of denial. I don’t want to have false hopes and then get dropped on my head. I feel alone, desperately unhappy and very depressed. The person who has abused me terribly is the same person who can save me from these feelings! Wth! 

Schwing, what you wrote makes sense because he is a master at the push/pull game. It was the worst of it for me. Never knew if I was coming or going, like now. I don’t know what to do  :'(  . Respond? But say what? Don’t respond and hope he’ll write again? Risk getting hurt again? Over and over and over. I’m in a miserable state and crying. Lifewriter, I think I’m trauma bonded. Thank you for the article. I’m going to reread all your posts, thank you.

[Sunfl0wer]

The person who has abused me terribly is the same person who can save me from these feelings! Wth!

Yes

You express so clearly what seems to be the essence of what our greatest inner conflict is with detaching!

I'm so sorry!

[Lifewriter16]

The person who has abused me terribly is the same person who can save me from these feelings! Wth!

Yes

You express so clearly what seems to be the essence of what our greatest inner conflict is with detaching!

I'm so sorry!

What strikes me is that eventually our abusive pwBPD can no longer save us from those feelings and we enter a stage where there is pain in the relationship and pain out of it. Eventually, dealing with the pain becomes the only way forward.

Lifewriter x

[once removed]

hi larmoyant,

i sort of wonder if hes just deliberately being cryptic? you mention that you often find his texts undiscernable, and you have asked him to clarify before.

i really hate to use the word "game", i just wonder if thats what hes aiming at. write some cryptic stuff, bait you to ask for clarity.

what do you think?

[Larmoyant]

Yes! That is exactly what my therapist would say. He loves playing cat and mouse games with me. It’s always difficult for me to get a straight answer out of him. I think he may believe it gives him some sort of power or control over me.

It is likely that he is trying to bait me into declaring my feelings then as soon as I do he’ll back away. That’s if I tell him I care for him. If, on the other hand, I try to raise an issue or point out something that’s bothering me, e.g. he started dating other women soon after we broke up, whilst trying to reconcile with me,  refused to give me a straight answer and played games until eventually admitting that he’d “tried to move on”. If I try to bring something up like this with a view to resolving it he will turn nasty and blame me for it. I’m so stuck. Not knowing whether or not to respond.

[JQ]

I’ve just woken up after just four hours sleep, confused, with mixed feelings. As JQ writes I’m doubting myself,” hoping, wishing, wanting and needing”. I don’t want to fall into the temporary comfort of denial. I don’t want to have false hopes and then get dropped on my head. I feel alone, desperately unhappy and very depressed. The person who has abused me terribly is the same person who can save me from these feelings! Wth! 

Schwing, what you wrote makes sense because he is a master at the push/pull game. It was the worst of it for me. Never knew if I was coming or going, like now. I don’t know what to do  :'(  . Respond? But say what? Don’t respond and hope he’ll write again? Risk getting hurt again? Over and over and over. I’m in a miserable state and crying. Lifewriter, I think I’m trauma bonded. Thank you for the article. I’m going to reread all your posts, thank you.

Larmoyant,

I feel for you and all of us know what you're going through because we've lived it.  YOU need to step back for a moment and take a deep breath ... .now take another one and let it out slowly.  Like all of us at one point you're losing sleep, a lot of it and very required REM sleep to heal your body AND your mind from the day's work & stresses.  You are NOT getting that so lets try something.

When your body is so stressed out it causes interruption in your sleep pattern & denies you REM sleep it means your body isn't producing enough Melatonin in a gland in your brain. SOO, go to your local grocery store, go to the vitamin isle and pick up a bottle of 10mg Melatonin. DON"T WORRY!  It's NOT a drug, but a supplement to support your body that isn't producing enough of the sleep enhancing hormone. It doesn't actually put you to sleep, but allows you to get sleepy to the point where you want to close your eyes naturally.   Start out with 10mgs for a 5-7 days and if that doesn't help try 20mgs, your body is under ALOT of stress and anxiety and you need to get some sleep to mentally, emotionally and physically deal with things.

Try and get out for a mile or two walk, this will help work off some of that pent up stress in your body. Call an old friend you haven't talked to in awhile, this is food for the soul. Just catch up, you don't have to get into the weeds about your BPD r/s but just life in general.  Get out to see a funny movie or a comedy show with a friend or a dozen friends.  Watch the sun come up tomorrow and realize that its a new day of beginnings !  A new day on a new path and know that you're going to be ok ... .it's going to take some time, some work but YOU are going to be ok.

Here is some humor to get you started, my T sent it to me when I was going through a difficult time to lighten up my mood ... .  The Five Stages ... .which one are you? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q0RMlAlwfg

Remember Larmoyant, Things will get better!

J

[Larmoyant]

JQ, thank you for your kindness. Thank you to everyone who replied because each post helped pull me up.

For the first time ever I didn’t end up responding to his text. I just didn’t understand it. That hasn’t stopped me from responding before, but I was coming from a different place then. I responded before because I didn’t want to let him or the relationship go. This time I’m too scared to respond. I simply can’t put myself in the line of fire any more.

But, I feel sad if he was trying to reach out. I've seen the vulnerable side of him that is hurting and it makes me cry for him. But, I need to protect myself, I've seen Mr Hyde and he's terrifying. It's quite likely that he may be baiting trying to find out what I’m thinking and feeling. He likes to think of me as hurting as he does all of his ex's, as mourning and regretting the loss of him.  He’s sent me many texts with links to sad songs that he believes reflect what I’m feeling! He’s right sometimes, most of the time I suppose, but I don’t want him to know any more. I don’t want him to know how much I’m hurting and I don’t want him to play games with me any more. Maybe this is the beginning of letting go. If he writes to me again and it makes sense I might answer. If he doesn’t then I keep walking. Four days to go before I leave. I’m still hoping for a miracle aren't I?

[once removed]

JQ, thank you for your kindness. Thank you to everyone who replied because each post helped pull me up.

For the first time ever I didn’t end up responding to his text. I just didn’t understand it. That hasn’t stopped me from responding before, but I was coming from a different place then. I responded before because I didn’t want to let him or the relationship go. This time I’m too scared to respond. I simply can’t put myself in the line of fire any more.

i wouldnt have either. what was there to respond to/with, really?

If he writes to me again and it makes sense I might answer. If he doesn’t then I keep walking. Four days to go before I leave. I’m still hoping for a miracle aren't I?

this is not unreasonable; it sounds as if you no longer wish to engage nonsense. if he wants to communicate with you he can, ya know? ill bet if that happens, or if he does more of the same, youll be on less shaky ground, more sure of yourself, more confident in how to respond or not.

you may be hoping for a miracle and im not sure id call that unreasonable either. as they say, doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. you have changed the equation. doing something differently and expecting a different result is not insanity, it is progress  

[Larmoyant]

once removed, I’m not sure how to put this into words, and I apologise if it makes little sense. I actually felt a little empowered by your response. What you wrote drew my attention to what I wrote! It’s as if I'm finally starting to make decisions where I’m considering my own needs, in this case to protect myself from further hurt. Not to open myself up and be shot down in flames again and again. I ‘have’ done something different this time and it feels better.

Three days to go and I'm still hoping that I’ll hear from him. I feel a sense of yearning because I’m attached physically and emotionally. Breaking away hurts and I want to stop hurting and this is where the need to hear from him is coming from.

If I don't hear from him it's going to hurt and there is a very good chance, now that the equation has been changed, that he won’t contact me, but I'm prepared. There's another part of me that knows this is a good opportunity to start rebuilding. Away from all the chaos, the confusion, and the push/pull that I am sure can ruin the strongest of people.

Thank you once removed. I had a moment there when I felt my old self returning.

[steelwork]

Larmoyant, I'm heartened to read this.

Oh how I remember that time when I thought I might still "hear from him," before the geographic and psychic ties were obliterated. It's a terrifying and heartbreaking thing, crossing over to the other side and releasing hope. It didn't feel better right away, but I promise you that eventually it will. Life awaits.

[once removed]

it makes plenty of sense larmoyant, and i am also heartened to hear it. i tend to think you empowered yourself though . you did this. when we say "no" to abuse, and "yes" to what we deserve, it feels good. we see that we deserve better, we believe it, we feel better about ourselves, we live it.

i recall simultaneously wanting to hear from my ex, and never wanting to speak to her again. i felt if i heard from her, it would validate/vindicate me, that she would have seen the "error of her ways". hell, i longed for the opportunity to reject her. of course youre attached physically and emotionally. thats not something that is 'wrong'. detachment shouldnt be forced.

and it does hurt. "hurt" is an understatement. this may be one of the most painful things you ever experience. and yet you have survived. i hate to go all gloria gaynor on you, but you will survive.

its that part of you that knows, in spite of the pain, that this is a good opportunity to start rebuilding, that begins to yearn for a better future, that is a survivor.

and steelwork could not be more right about what is on the other side. we tend to avoid the pain of really detaching until we are ready, which leaves us in pain that somehow, at the time, seems more appealing than feeling it, sitting with it, emerging from it. "detachment leads to freedom". the joy on the other side is so much greater than both. trust in your process. we are here for you every step of the way.

[Larmoyant]

steelwork, once removed, no sooner had I read your posts then I received this text from him:

Him: Can you please return my black jacket and anything else you have of mine . As you always say actions speak louder than words!

Given it was a clear request I replied, “Yes. I’ll return it, and any other items, next week”.

Him: “Does your boyfriend know that I bought you…….(a list of the gifts he bought me, meals he paid for)”

Him (5 minutes later): “You haven’t answered my question”.

Me: “I’m not sure how to respond to your question”.

Me: “I don’t want to get into a conversation that ends in both of us feeling hurt. Are you asking if I have a boyfriend? If so, just ask. Are you resenting buying me some gifts and meals? If I know what you mean/want I can answer properly".

Him: “Not that bothered. You ………………….”.(he then wrote a list of things I did wrong in the relationship, one of which I do feel bad about) followed by ... “Who does this kind of thing!”

Me: “This is exactly what I mean. You mention some things that I have done to hurt you and I could then hit back with things you have done to hurt me. We then stop listening to each other. We end up shaming and blaming the other person. We have both made mistakes. I apologize for my part. You can do the same or not. That choice is yours and if you choose not to that’s fine.

End of conversation. He didn’t text back.

Alarmingly, I noticed that my heart was beating really fast during the whole ‘conversation’ but I settled down after a while and although I may not have handled it very well, I feel ok. I didn’t hit back with a list of my own or a list of all the gifts I ever bought him. I also got to apologise for hurting him and meant it wholeheartedly because I’m sure I did. I wasn’t expecting him to apologise in return, although of course I would have welcomed it. I'm hurting, but still on my feet.

Steelworks, thanks for your post. It’s so encouraging (and comforting) to hear from others who have been here and survived it.  I really want to know that this pain will eventually stop and I can have a life again.

Once removed, I’m really not sure if I handled the latest conversation well or not, and I’m worried that I didn’t, but I feel ok and still on track to reclaiming my life. I laughed at the Gloria Gaynor comment. I might play the song while I’m packing up all these boxes! Beats ‘You ruined me” by the Veronica’s!

[Lifewriter16]

Larmoyant, I think you did a great job given that you were thinking on your feet. You stayed calm, you didn't bite, you responded rather than reacted, you told him what you believed could happen between you and that you didn't want to partake.

Well Done!

Lifewriter

x

[Larmoyant]

Lifewriter, I’m so happy to read your response. I am so worried that I handled it badly. I don’t want to be cruel or unkind and I don’t want to be baited and abused anymore. Thank you.

[steelwork]

Oh, not at all. That was a 100% emotionally mature response, and I'm not surprised it stopped him dead in his tracks. It left him no way to escalate what was basically a slo-mo text tantrum.

How are you feeling? You said worried, but your heart isn't pounding anymore, right? Maybe it would be a good time to reflect on how he let you down in this interaction.

[JQ]

Larmoyant,

I would agree with steelwork & once removed, YOU did an AMAZING job in your response to the situation.  You did exactly what one should when dealing with a exBPD, keep calm & carry on!     Remember, in the broken mind of the BPD, they crave, they thrive on chaos and YOU didn't give that to him. You expressed how you felt and how things could of gone had you not shown an INCREDIBLE  amount of restraint.  At your point in the removal & recovery process I don't know I would have shown such discipline that you did.

YOU have taken an amazing GIANT step on your journey and you should be VERY proud of how far you've come!     It's hard to say what a mentally ill person with BPD thinks or what their end game actually is. I gave up a long time ago trying got make sense of it all.  I can only control my behavior and my thoughts and my actions NOT to response to my exBPDgf inquisition, her constant interrogations, her constant baiting me into her flying monkey zoo.  I simply turn around and walk away. YOU have done the same with the actions you showed not only all of us but more importantly YOU showed YOURSELF that you can do this too!

Steelwork is right, when you showed neutrality feelings and not confrontational you left him no way to escalate and behave in a manner which we, which YOU know would have ended badly.  Bravo! Well done! Great job!

J

[Larmoyant]

Thank you for the feedback Lifewriter, steelwork & JQ. Coming here is helping me so much and I’m very grateful.

It really is hard to know what to say or how to respond without things escalating into a ‘battle’. I used to get so anxious and fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing, but things have changed now. I understand more, but even so my anxiety around him is still very high. My hearts stopped pounding, thankfully, because it’s a horrible feeling, but I’ve just realised that it’s stopped happening so much now we’re apart. It’s another reminder how detrimental this relationship is to my health and well-being.

Reflecting back on the conversation I feel very sad. Sad and disappointed that he ended it so abruptly. In my dreams, he would have apologised too, we would have problem solved our issues and walked off into the sunset together. Not going to happen!

Truthfully, I’m still hanging on, by a thin thread, but at the same time accepting more and more that the relationship is just too damaging. Reality is winning over fantasy.

I spent a lot of time last night wondering where he was and with whom. Being a Saturday he’d have been out and it hurts a lot thinking of him with someone else, but in a strange way this is what’s protecting me. Him finding other women so quickly is beyond my comprehension. If you claim to love someone, which he’s expressed over and over, how does that work? I couldn’t be with someone else right now if my life depended on it.

A few more days left until I move. I’m trying to look forwards, but keep glancing back. If I allow him to keep popping up in my life even if only an occasional text message I’ll be holding myself back. I have this little voice that keeps telling me to go completely NC and see what happens. Give myself a chance, but something’s holding me back and I’m not sure what  . I miss him I suppose.