birthday celebration?

[dreame]

It's my little girl's birthday this Fri.  She called her dad, asked if he could join us for a party on Friday night.  Dad and I are divorcing, working out a parenting plan.  Dad has not been involved consistently with his little girl.  Dad abuses drugs, at times, but has also has times of drug free.  Dad was very angry that he was only invited to daughter's birthday activity Friday night.  He says, "Why not Saturday Party too?"  Dad and I can't get along.  I feel very frustrated with BPD ex husband.  Dad doesn't understand that we invited him for Friday night party, when he has not seen his little girl in over a month.  Dad has to pee on drug test strips to see his little girl.  Dad hasn't been able to do this for sometime.  Dad says I am hurting our little girl, being selfish, taking her from him.  He has made no effort to see her the past month.   I have thought about not having a mediated parenting plan with dad, due to my ability to successfully communicate with dad, and his inconsistencies in interest with our little girl.  I feel so lost and confused.  I want my little girl to see her dad.  He is just so unstable and explosive.  Which is worse?  Allowing her time with dad who is sick?  or not allowing contact with our daughter at all.  When he is good he is really good.  when he is bad, he is really bad... .

[Turkish]

Did it suprise you that she asked him, and you were caught unprepared? How old is she, and how has she reacted to his behaviors, both pre and post seperation?

[Mutt]

Hi dreame,



I'd like to join Turkish and welcome you. I can see how stressful that would feel when our STBX's are unreliable and abuse substances. Is there an issue with unsupervised visits? It sounds like there will be supervision birthday activity and party.

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members here can relate and offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk.

[ForeverDad]

Of course he doesn't understand.  From his perspective, probably a combination of blame shifting and distorted perceptions and more, he can't or won't connect the dots concerning the issues/behaviors and the consequences.  Over the years a common refrain here is, Why can't I reason with my spouse or ex-spouse?  For years we tried and tried but every step forward was sabotaged somehow.  So an admittedly simplistic comment is that you can't reason with someone who won't consistently reason.  You can't make someone listen who isn't listening.  As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

In some respects it isn't us personally.  Anyone that close to a pwBPD would also be obstructed or made to feel obligated or even guilty.  (Beware the FOG — Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)  BPD is often referred to as a mood/emotion dysregulation disorder.  So your baggage (history) of a close relationship is perceived by him as a distraction, a hurdle, to getting past it in order to listen to you.

The relationship is changing, it continues for parenting even though the adult or marriage aspect ends.  He won't be good at distinguishing between the two.  Or won't try.

Understand that boundaries are crucial but life will always throw occasional exceptions at you.  The parenting order should be detailed for incidents that are likely to arise but it can't address everything.  It's okay to handle exceptions, some are unavoidable such as you now face.  But do your best not to 'enable' him to think the boundaries or applicable court orders are weakened and hence can be trampled upon.  So expect such attempts, make sure you are always clear and decisive about the boundaries.  If you show iffiness, that will be like waving a red flag in font of a bull and he will feel impelled to guilt and pressure for more.

Evidently your parenting status is firmly in your hands.  Court will expect you to handle it well.  Generally it won't try to second guess you, so don't think you have to be overly fair, overly nice, overly whatever.  (Court has been described as a judicial system, not a justice system.)  Do what you feel is right, hold to your boundaries, if you make exceptions then be doubly clear (best don't in written form so you have documentation) they are only exceptions and do not change the order or change the parenting.  As long as it isn't obstructing the level of parenting he has then you have little to worry about from the court.