PLZ help. Keep going back to BPD ex. What to do

[Confused99]

 So where do I even begin with the story. I was with a girl with BPD for the last seven years. The first two years I felt more alive than I ever have. She knew exactly how to make me smile. She was absolutely gorgeous    She was an adult m So where do I even begin with the story. I was with a girl with BPD for the last seven years. The first two years I felt more alive than I ever have. She knew exactly how to make me smile. She was absolutely gorgeous    She was an adult model so needless to say our lives were a lot of fun. But with that fun camp some of the worst fights I've ever had in my entire life. We basically were on a first name basis with the cops in our neighborhood and when we weren't fighting we were moving because she always needed something new. This went on for a few years.     After about four years we got married and in about 10 minutes I knew I made a mistake. The sex stopped, and the fights became worse and worse. You name it it happened to us. I would ignore her and she would call 100 to 200 times until I answered    Then after about a year of marriage she started ___ing someone behind my back. She told me she was hanging out with her friends.     I have never in my life seen someone who can lie like this girl could. I would call her over the weekend and she would tell me to ___ off and leave her alone while she was having an affair. When I finally got the balls to hire a private investigator her and we caught her she still lied and said she wasn't doing it

That led to the worst summer of my life. I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat. I would lay there all day thinking about what she's doing and if I can ever get her back. She would say that she hated me and I destroyed her life and she would never speak to me again. And then a week later she would tell me she wanted to talk to me. This went on the entire summer  until I finally broke down and got back together with her. We then bought a house again and after year everything fell apart again and here I am without her. This is probably the 10th time with broken up. Now she's out ___ing everyone and making sure I know about how happy she is    I know I need to go no contact but it's hard not to look at what she's doing. Just yesterday she texted me and said this

"I'm sorry I just don't feel the way you do. We aren't good together. We never were and I see that now. You will meet someone right for you and im sure I will too"

It did hurt. On top of all this she has a nine-year-old son who is an absolute train wreck and is threatened to kill himself. I know there's no reason the world I just want to be with her other than she's so hot. And the fact that all these other guys want her. Please someone help me what do I do to get over this girl.

[Rayban]

Confused99  sorry you are living through this. I know exactly the way you feel. Despite all common sense, and all the reasons that my exBPDgf has given me to stay way, I continuously find a way to keep going back for more misery. I could only tell you it doesn't get any better. In fact it gets worse with each successive recycle. She breaks me down a little more each time I succumb.

Be ready to be blamed for everything that is wrong in her life. She will make you pay for being on to her. You will become a trigger for her illness, because you bring her to close to reality, and she can't handle that. I just try to get a little stronger everyday, but she is constantly on my mind. 

[Confused99]

 I guess the only other thing that I would add is that I met an absolutely incredible and beautiful girl. She so in love with me and is the best thing it's ever happened to me. But even with all that I still have trouble ignoring this BPD girl. And yes she is always blamed me for every trouble in her entire life. Even the guy she had an affair she did the same thing to him and came back to me and said he was ___ing crazy.

[blackbirdsong]

Hi,

My relationship was much shorter than yours so I can just assume how are you feeling. My dBPDexGF is celebrity in my country and one of the strong reasons why I am so attached is her physical appearance. Last week my T saw her for the first time on TV (my T is a bit older and is not familiar with her type of work domain) and said to me: "I don't want to pour salt to your wound but I really can see now why is it so hard for you to detach  " so I can definitely relate to your hurt.

Few advices and my opinions:

1. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone - Her beauty will pass... .Yes, we are men, it is in our code to look for external beauty in girls, but that is not everything. It is not worth of your suffering... .Also, you can find another beautiful girl. maybe you will. Maybe you will not. No one can confirm this. But either way, find someone who will not enable you to know all the cops in the town.

2. Ask yourself why are you so attracted to her beauty. In my case it is related to my physical appearance. Actually, my understanding of my appearance. Considering other people's opinion (female) I am actually handsome, but because of my lack of self esteem I don't see it that way. So her beauty actually pumps my ego also. Something I need to work on... .

Also, I developed strong external mask, people think of me as a strong person with strong character but that is just a mask, a mask that even I didn't understand, something that I have developed during my development (FOO issues). And BPD in my life cracked that mask and now I am lonely and hurtful boy in therapy 

To be honest, now I would like that I have meet my exGF sooner in my life, and not in my late 20's... .Gift of BPD relationship, try to exploit your experience... .   

[Confused99]

Hi,

My relationship was much shorter than yours so I can just assume how are you feeling. My dBPDexGF is celebrity in my country and one of the strong reasons why I am so attached is her physical appearance. Last week my T saw her for the first time on TV (my T is a bit older and is not familiar with her type of work domain) and said to me: "I don't want to pour salt to your wound but I really can see now why is it so hard for you to detach  " so I can definitely relate to your hurt.

Few advices and my opinions:

1. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone - Her beauty will pass... .Yes, we are men, it is in our code to look for external beauty in girls, but that is not everything. It is not worth of your suffering... .Also, you can find another beautiful girl. maybe you will. Maybe you will not. No one can confirm this. But either way, find someone who will not enable you to know all the cops in the town.

2. Ask yourself why are you so attracted to her beauty. In my case it is related to my physical appearance. Actually, my understanding of my appearance. Considering other people's opinion (female) I am actually handsome, but because of my lack of self esteem I don't see it that way. So her beauty actually pumps my ego also. Something I need to work on... .

Also, I developed strong external mask, people think of me as a strong person with strong character but that is just a mask, a mask that even I didn't understand, something that I have developed during my development (FOO issues). And BPD in my life cracked that mask and now I am lonely and hurtful boy in therapy 

To be honest, now I would like that I have meet my exGF sooner in my life, and not in my late 20's... .Gift of BPD relationship, try to exploit your experience... .   

Thanks for the reply.  I totally agree.  Sometime I feel maybe she was more of a possession that other guys wanted and I had.   And now that I do t have her it hurts.   I have met someone beautiful inside and out.  But I constantly feel I need reassurance of that.    This girl just really messed me up.   She will go weeks then ask for something stupid like a lamp.  And get so mad that she's gonna call cops if she does t get it back.   I know she won't but she scares me.   This tiny little blonde I'm scared of

[Mutt]

Hi Confused99,



I'd like to join Rayban & BBS and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Ivan see how painful, distressing and confusing all of this would be. I can relate with that  I would be beside myself when I told my exBPDw that she was affair and she said that she had told me that she's moving on but we're still living under the same roof  

Its tough when things keep getting worse, we may try everything to keep our relationship / marriage together but it just crumbles with a person that is emotionally immature and blames everything on their spouse.

I'm glad that you have decided to join us. You'll find that you'll fit in. I wad reading your thread and there's so many things that are in common, the length of my marriage, the fighting went through the roof after we tied the knot, the push / pull behavior was worst and I felt like I was going crazy. Many members here can relate with that and can offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk to people that have a mile in your shoes.

You can the lessons to the right of the board ---------------------------------->

I have a question, are you living together? There is hope.


Mutt

[LilMe]

Hi Confused99,

I am sorry you are dealing with this!  I sometimes feel like I will never get over my exBPD either  :'(

I wonder if it is really necessary for you to communicate with her at all?  It was painful for me to do, but I had to totally block my uBPD on my phones, etc.  His calls and contact were so upsetting to me and my children that I had to make it stop.  The police gave him a trespassing warning so he won't come around my house any more either.

How is the new girl handling the situation?  I would hate for her to be hurt in all this.  No contact with exBPD would likely make her feel more secure too.

I look forward to hearing more of your story!  Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!

[C.Stein]

Hello C99,

What an unbelievably hard situation you are having to deal with.  The betrayal of trust cuts to the core and shatters your sense of reality ... .over and over again.

There comes a time when you have to throw in the towel.  I know it is hard to let go but the things you have had to endure are destroying you. 

I can understand how hard it is to look past the beauty.  It is so difficult to reconcile how someone so beautiful on the outside can be so ugly on the inside, and this goes for both men and women.   

I know I need to go no contact but it's hard not to look at what she's doing. Just yesterday she texted me and said this

"I'm sorry I just don't feel the way you do. We aren't good together. We never were and I see that now. You will meet someone right for you and im sure I will too"

I got something similar from my ex and man it does hurt.  Being treated like a disposable object really wrecks havoc on your self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem.

I know there's no reason the world I just want to be with her other than she's so hot. And the fact that all these other guys want her. Please someone help me what do I do to get over this girl.

Beautiful people tend to get a pass on destructive and hurtful behavior ... .not good!  Why do you think you allow her to continue to treat you the way she does?

What is the status of your relationship now?  Is she still living with you?  Has she been professional diagnosed with BPD?  Did you adopt her son?  So many questions and things you can work through here.  It helps to write it all down here, we can help you work through it and make sense of all the craziness.  I know how confusing it probably all seems to you.  Have you read any of the Articles for coping and healing in the aftermath of a borderline relationship?

[Confused99]

 Hey everyone thanks for the warm and comments. No we don't live together anymore. I never adopted her son so that was a good thing. Actually last night just found out that she's dating a 67-year-old man.   She is 27. I keep trying to get the last word in but it never happens. This is what she said to me today

I would like a stay away order for 4 years. No contact, No 3rd parties and confidentiality clause. I need you to stop harassing me. I don't give a ___ About anytging! If People are talking about me  I must be pretty important. So get a life and stop talking about me.   Draft up the agreement or I will get a formal PFA from you. I don't give a crap about anything you have to say.

It's hard because I know she will change her mind in future.  My new girl is so supportive of me but I can see she's wearing out.   I'm usually a strong person.  No issues meeting women.  2 great kids from my first ex wife (whom we get along great).   I just can't move on.  I hate it   My family and friends all just say same thing.  Block her what's so hard.  And the way she talks to me like I'm a piece of crap.  Then I see a picture of her and it hurts.    

[Mutt]

Its hard to say what will happen with this man. I wouldn't want to be 67 and the possibility to have to start over or lose half of what's mine. BPD is a pattern of stormy relationships, the black amd white thinking is swath of destruction. I would advise self protection, you don't live together anymore, no contact will help speed up recovery and detachment.

I would like a stay away order for 4 years. No contact, No 3rd parties and confidentiality clause. I need you to stop harassing me. I don't give a ___ About anytging! If People are talking about me  I must be pretty important. So get a life and stop talking about me.   Draft up the agreement or I will get a formal PFA from you. I don't give a crap about anything you have to say.

Why 4 years? Are you seeing a T ( therapist )

[C.Stein]

I keep trying to get the last word in but it never happens.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.  I think this is one of those times.  What do you think?

[londons]

hi all,  wonderful replies.   confused:  may i join you in the confused department?  every day for 5 months i have cried my eyes out a few times daily, buckled over in pain a few times daily, fell to the floor as if i was trying out with gone with the wind a few times daily, etc.   all because of the CONFUSION and the intense pain of REJECTION.  the pain has gone from an 11 to a 10.5 in those 5 months.  it sure is a slow process. my T. said to not even think about this being resolved for at least a year.  ouch.  that's one long year.   anyway, i am seeing 2 therapists:  one is touchy feely and one is logical and has a "get over it" approach.  i need both (my checkbook might say otherwise, but darn it i have to heal).    so... .the tough love doctor told me this week something that pertains to your situation (and your story is mine E X A C T L Y- ).  the doctor said that in his experience, those of us that are with super models, professional athletes, well known political figures, movie/tv stars, rock stars, and older men with much younger women (and vise versa), will tolerate much much much more crap than we would if our mate was a "regular" citizen. and we almost EXPECT that their behavior may be different (as is, well of course they cant call us back, of course they're going to be tempted to be with others behind our backs.  after all, they're stars!).  this is kind of common sense, but the way he said hit a nerve with me and was true... .   my guy played pro baseball, was extremely well built and thru the roof handsome.  breathtakingly so.  he was the prince i saw in my mind since i was 5!  so, even thru 38 huge red flags, i kept saying,   "that's ok, babe, come back to me and emotionally beat me up a few more times.  a few more times.  a few more times".     get it?    where as if we are with a mate that does NOT do that for us physically,   one /two/three red flags and were like, "hit the road!"   or if a 65 year old man is with a 25 year old girl, he tolerates all her crap... .    if he was with a lady 65? his age? he expects different behavior and will NOT tolerate the crap.  he moves on.    make sense? 

[Meili]

Hey C99,

I can completely relate to the obsessiveness thinking and compulsion to contact; even though you have a sweet and caring new love interest. I've been there. Man, I live there now!

I had to start questioning why my desire to contact my beautiful uBPDexgf was so strong? Sure, in the beginning, the physical relationship was the best that I had ever experienced; but, like you, "the sex stopped, and the fights became worse and worse." So, the sex life was gone which meant that the beauty was pretty much irrelevant. Because her beauty did me "no good," logically it was no longer in play.

In the end, what it all came down to was the memories that I have. The good memories are so much more powerful than the bad ones in my mind. There is a reason for this though. In my case, it is because it is so easy for me to suppress the bad because of neglect and abuse as a child. It's what I'm used to so it's a non-issue. (It should probably be noted that the new lady in my life treats me well, so I don't give her the same place of prominence in my world because of the issues from my childhood.) Do you have a situation like that in your past that comes into play?

Also, it appears, although my therapist hasn't confirmed this yet, that co-dependency may play a part in my obsession. My uBPDexgf became my world. When I removed her from my world everything that I knew was removed also. I'm not lost and scared because I don't know what will happen next. In contrast, life with my uBPDexgf was predictable. Again, is it possible that anything like that is at the root of your obsession?

[Confused99]

Yes I think it is a obsession.  Like right now the fact that she just ripped me apart and wants a restraining order is killing me.   I just want to text her and tell her I love her.  I know I can't but I can't even get out of bed.  The pain is unbearable.  And I have a incredible gf.   This BPD has just totally messed me up inside and out.  And now she has me where she wants me.   She hates me.  Do I text her one last time and say we don't need the hate I'll always love you?      She wrote last night

We are divorced ___ing leave me alone! Your a psycho and I don't care what you have to say.  Die

I know in past she has said that then the next week flipped.  Why am I such a loser

[Meili]

Personally, I wouldn't contact her and tell her one last time that you love her. Nothing good will come of that, especially after her demanding that you leave her alone.

When I get to the point where I want to break NC, I ask myself what I'm hoping the result will be and what do I expect will actually happen? In my own thread, I wrote this:

Each and every day it hurts and I fight the urge to contact her. I'm certain that I'm not the only one who has experienced that though... .I don't contact her out of fear. I say that, but I suppose that it's really self-preservation (trying to put a positive spin on things here) that keeps me from contacting her. I know that if I did I'd just get more of the same; that she didn't magically become a nice person over the past month.

Do you think that one, last message will cause your x to suddenly become a nice person? Given the tone of the one that you just posted, I'm guessing no. So, what do you think will happen? How do you think that she'll respond?

You might also ask yourself why you want to remain connected to someone who is showing you so much contempt?

OK, so what if she flips in a week? Will that erase all of the pain that she's choosing to cause you right now? Yes, it is a choice that she's making. Just like you have the choice whether or not to allow someone to treat you like that. Is that how you want to be treated?

Or, is it not so much a "want" as you, for some reason feel that you deserve to be treated this way by her? If that's the case, ask yourself what you actually did to deserve it?

I know that it hurts right now. I also know that finding yourself in this situation doesn't make you a loser. What it makes you is someone who loves deeply, but loves the wrong person. All of us here have felt that pain; I still feel it daily. We can look to those who have come before us and have experienced what you are feeling today (and what I felt a few months ago when I realized that my xgf and I would never work out) and learn from their experiences and build a new foundation for ourselves.

Believe me, I know how trite that sounds! But, there is truth that lies behind the statement. Grieving takes time; but you've taken a great (and brave) step by reaching out to others. I hope that they (we?) can validate your feelings and help provide the strength that you need to over-come what you are currently experiencing.

[Confused99]

Do you think that one, last message will cause your x to suddenly become a nice person? Given the tone of the one that you just posted, I'm guessing no. So, what do you think will happen? How do you think that she'll respond?



Great point.  Your right.  I'm just asking for more pain.  It does help that she is on every dating site possible.  She has dated multiple people over last few months and they all are gone.  I just need to move on.   I need strength to do it

[Meili]

Strength is something that the people here can help with. When you feel like contacting her, just post here. Someone will come up with the right words to remind you not to contact her and why you've made the decision to move on. At least that has been my experience!

[Confused99]

Strength is something that the people here can help with. When you feel like contacting her, just post here. Someone will come up with the right words to remind you not to contact her and why you've made the decision to move on. At least that has been my experience!

Thank you.  It means a lot.  I still love her.  But she is the devil.  Literally.  She hates her own 8 year old son.  Dumps him every night to go out.  Her parents text me and tell me to run that she's a botch.   Her own parents. Why should I care

[Mutt]

Hi Confused99,

You have a long history together, you fell in love with her, it takes time to process. I'd like to echo Meili, it's therapeutic to write. I've been in your shoes and posted when I felt weak, posts from members helped me through the most difficult experience in my life. Hang in there.

[Meili]

No one here will fault you for still loving her. Many of us still struggle with the feelings that we have for someone suffering from a PD.

Something that I am learning about is trauma bonds. They are very strong bonds that are created between the abuser and the person who was abused. They are harder to break than normal relationship bonds. They are, at least one of, the reason that people stay in abusive relationships. They are possibly (likely?) the reason that you still care in-spite of all that you have experienced and know as true. They defy our logic. In fact, I am of the opinion that logic plays no part in this. We are held in place by emotions and the trauma bonds that have been created. Until we process the emotions and break the bonds we can only experience our feelings.

Fortunately, experiencing the emotions is one of the main keys to all of this. Please try not to stress about feeling the emotions that you are experiencing. Rather, try to allow yourself to experience them for what they are.

[Confused99]

Thanks all.  Been 2 days of NC it's hard.  Knowing she is sleeping with some rich 65 year old hurts being he's 40 years older then her.  I know I need to let go.  She is abusive.  She is mean.  Her entire family hates her.   I just don't know what it is that makes me still care.   Gosh why is it so hard to let go.

[Meili]

Congratulations on the 2 days of NC! That's a great step in the right direction, and you may be able to use it as a crutch to continue NC when you feel weak. I mean, you've gone through the initial pain, breaking NC will just start that whole process all over again and I'm pretty sure that you don't want that!

I would suspect that it's hard to let go because you're still looking at the fantasy or fairy tale of what was rather than the reality. Am I close?

[Confused99]

Congratulations on the 2 days of NC! That's a great step in the right direction, and you may be able to use it as a crutch to continue NC when you feel weak. I mean, you've gone through the initial pain, breaking NC will just start that whole process all over again and I'm pretty sure that you don't want that!

I would suspect that it's hard to let go because you're still looking at the fantasy or fairy tale of what was rather than the reality. Am I close?

Yes exactly.  Holding onto 5 years ago when she was fun and into me.  Feel like I could have been better.  She blasts me around town saying I destroyed her.  The last few years were terrible.  No sex.  Fights all the time.  Cheating.  My mind knows this but sometimes I just want to hear from her

[Meili]

Yeah, I get that. I long to hear from my x everyday. I spend a good portion of my time asking myself what I hope would happen if I did hear from her.

What do you hope would happen if you heard from yours?

Now, what do you think would REALLY happen if you did?

[Confused99]

Yeah, I get that. I long to hear from my x everyday. I spend a good portion of my time asking myself what I hope would happen if I did hear from her.

What do you hope would happen if you heard from yours?

Now, what do you think would REALLY happen if you did?

Don't know.  We just went away on vacation less then 2 months ago and had a great time.   We got back and planned on staying together until I found out she slept with someone the week before we left.  Then she cried and said she would change her number, delete everyone, and move back in with me.  I ignored her and the switch flipped and she's done again.  I don't think she can ever be faithful again.

[C.Stein]

I don't think she can ever be faithful again.

Perhaps more importantly, even if she could be faithful can you ever trust her again?

[Confused99]

I don't think she can ever be faithful again.

Perhaps more importantly, even if she could be faithful can you ever trust her again?

No I would be worried every Minute of the day

[C.Stein]

I don't think she can ever be faithful again.

Perhaps more importantly, even if she could be faithful can you ever trust her again?

No I would be worried every Minute of the day

Then there is really no reason to go back ... .is there?  I certainly couldn't live with that constant fear and anxiety ... .can you?

[Confused99]

I don't think she can ever be faithful again.

Perhaps more importantly, even if she could be faithful can you ever trust her again?

No I would be worried every Minute of the day

Then there is really no reason to go back ... .is there?  I certainly couldn't live with that constant fear and anxiety ... .can you?

Deep down I know that    And you are right.  Probably more torture then this.   And that's hard to imagine.  Thank you.  Appreciate help