Living with PTSD

[unicorn2014]

Has anyone had experience with this?
I was talking with a psychologist friend after a meeting and when I told him I had PTSD he suggested that. I tried EMDR and it didn't work. I know I need to stay away from my family but I don't think that's enough. Things are really bad right now. I got verbally attacked by my mother and my brother and my partner over the weekend and into today. I'm really trying to apply the things I learned on the conflicted board to my relationship as well as really trying to accept the fact that I need to cut my family off for now.
My daughter got her first job which is creating a lot of positive change and I will be attempting once again to go back to work next month.
Last night I was feeling so utterly depressed until I thought of a line of work I could get into that I have some background in that might give me some joy. There's actually a few places I could apply to work that might give me some joy .

[HurtinNW]

I am by no means an expert, and like everyone else here, not a trained psych. But you are asking for personal experiences. I had a counselor lead me in exposure therapy once, many years ago, and it was very unhealthy for me. It may have been he wasn't good at it, but essentially he made my PTSD worse. It took me some time to recover.

My current therapist uses AEDP therapy, which has been proven effective against trauma and PTSD. It has been simply amazing for me. Here's a link about it. The wording is a bit wordy but you can get the gist. It is a very nurturing, safe-feeling form of therapy about learning how to become strong at the broken places. You can find lists of the therapist trained in AEDP in your area. I started with mine when she was in training and that made it affordable.
https://www.aedpinstitute.org/about-aedp/

[unicorn2014]

I am by no means an expert, and like everyone else here, not a trained psych. But you are asking for personal experiences. I had a counselor lead me in exposure therapy once, many years ago, and it was very unhealthy for me. It may have been he wasn't good at it, but essentially he made my PTSD worse. It took me some time to recover.

My current therapist uses AEDP therapy, which has been proven effective against trauma and PTSD. It has been simply amazing for me. Here's a link about it. The wording is a bit wordy but you can get the gist. It is a very nurturing, safe-feeling form of therapy about learning how to become strong at the broken places. You can find lists of the therapist trained in AEDP in your area. I started with mine when she was in training and that made it affordable.
https://www.aedpinstitute.org/about-aedp/

Thank you, I did have some psychodynamic therapy. I did look at that link. The person that recommended it to me has known me for 10 years.

[HurtinNW]

I think it is like most therapy, what works for one person may not work for another.

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It sounds like tons of re-traumatizing. 

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear you’re struggling right now. It took me a long time to notice a positive change, but it did come. Good news about your daughter’s job and you considering getting back to work.  

[Fie]

I don't know if this is of any help, but I am giving you a big hug !

[unicorn2014]

Sorry to hear you’re struggling right now. It took me a long time to notice a positive change, but it did come. Good news about your daughter’s job and you considering getting back to work.   

Hi happy chappy, I've been trying to get back to work for a year but kept experiencing setbacks : daughter got sent home from camp, daughter got sick, daughter needs surgery. Prior to that I tried to get back to work in 2007 but was not ready at that time.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn

Things are really bad right now. I got verbally attacked by my mother and my brother and my partner over the weekend and into today.

I am sorry you had these negative experiences. Did anything in particular happen before they started verbally attacking you? What were they attacking you for?

I'm really trying to apply the things I learned on the conflicted board to my relationship as well as really trying to accept the fact that I need to cut my family off for now.

Whether you are NC with your family or not, I think the most important thing is to be very clear about your own boundaries. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is crucial when dealing with disordered family-members, regardless of whether you have cut them off or not. I think it is very wise that you are trying to apply the the things you've learned to your relationship. The communication techniques such as D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and B.I.F.F. can also be invaluable.

My daughter got her first job which is creating a lot of positive change and I will be attempting once again to go back to work next month.
Last night I was feeling so utterly depressed until I thought of a line of work I could get into that I have some background in that might give me some joy. There's actually a few places I could apply to work that might give me some joy .

Great to hear this about your daughter A lot has been going on with your daughter these last few months so I am very happy about this positive development.

Feeling depressed is very unpleasant though, I am glad you decided to reach out here and discuss your feelings. Work can be a very important part of people's lives and give you a certain rhythm, energy and positive momentum. I hope you succeed in getting back to work

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn

Things are really bad right now. I got verbally attacked by my mother and my brother and my partner over the weekend and into today.

I am sorry you had these negative experiences. Did anything in particular happen before they started verbally attacking you? What were they attacking you for?

Yes. My bike got stolen and my mother blamed me and my brother shamed me because my dad bought it for me. My brother also shamed me for not asking for a ride to and from my daughters surgery from my family members. My whole family shames me for my PTSD and dismisses it. They totally devalUe me for choosing to stay home instead of go back to work.

I'm really trying to apply the things I learned on the conflicted board to my relationship as well as really trying to accept the fact that I need to cut my family off for now.

Whether you are NC with your family or not, I think the most important thing is to be very clear about your own boundaries. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is crucial when dealing with disordered family-members, regardless of whether you have cut them off or not. I think it is very wise that you are trying to apply the the things you've learned to your relationship. The communication techniques such as D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and B.I.F.F. can also be invaluable.

My daughter got her first job which is creating a lot of positive change and I will be attempting once again to go back to work next month.
Last night I was feeling so utterly depressed until I thought of a line of work I could get into that I have some background in that might give me some joy. There's actually a few places I could apply to work that might give me some joy .

Great to hear this about your daughter A lot has been going on with your daughter these last few months so I am very happy about this positive development.

Feeling depressed is very unpleasant though, I am glad you decided to reach out here and discuss your feelings. Work can be a very important part of people's lives and give you a certain rhythm, energy and positive momentum. I hope you succeed in getting back to work

I think the depression is a symptom of the PTSD. I'm actually exhausted from single parenthood . When my daughter recovers from her surgery and is working then my energy will be freed up to go back to work. I've got several more weeks of ft motherhood . Currently my daughter has finals so she's co-sleeping in my bed in the middle of the night. It is interesting how attachment parenting carries into teenage hood. her friend is also knocking on the door every morning at 6:50am before school. One more of week of school then doctors appointments and surgery next week. Last week she fell and gashed her leg and had to get stitches .

[unicorn2014]

So I checked out that book at the recommendation of someone here and I find I can't read it. Why? Because it I feel mad when I read the book jacket, and not because I identify with the protagonist but because I wish my mother had paid attention to my mental health when I was a teenager. I think I could have benefited from residential care. Now I have a serious case of PTSD that won't go away despite treating  it since I was diagnosed. From my point of view a mental institution actually looks like a break from my life. I know I'm being naive and those who have been incarcerated in mental institutions view them as prisons (speaking about someone's experience whom I called the police on after that person threatened suicide at me). I also know from the media that psychiatric hospitals are not portrayed as friendly places. So I know I have a fantasy about mental institutions and I am sure being thrown in there against your will would be a very unpleasant experience. I suppose I should write my own positive story about what I think treatment would do for an adolescent but that would be entirely different story, wouldn't it?

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014,

This book (jacket) clearly triggered you. Probably wise then to at least stop reading for now so you can try to calm yourself.

How are you feeling now?

Being raised by a disordered parent isn't easy and I really am sorry that your mother hurt you so much and that you are still dealing with the consequences to this day. Anger is part of the healing process and as long as we don't get stuck in it, it can be a productive step forward. Have you perhaps found strategies for dealing with your anger?

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn2014,

This book (jacket) clearly triggered you. Probably wise then to at least stop reading for now so you can try to calm yourself.

How are you feeling now?

Hi Kwamina, I didn't actually read the book. The jacket was a deal breaker. I wish I could read the book. I'm ok right now as I learned about a new technique called ASMR. Anyone else heard of it? Anyways I'm really trying to work on my stress levels. I met with a new social worker this week and she actually told me about a stress management class that at first I rejected but now I'm thinking about it.
My daughter told me last night that my brother, mother and father all called her to congratulate her on her new job and then put me down for not working. I was shocked.

Being raised by a disordered parent isn't easy and I really am sorry that your mother hurt you so much and that you are still dealing with the consequences to this day. Anger is part of the healing process and as long as we don't get stuck in it, it can be a productive step forward. Have you perhaps found strategies for dealing with your anger?

Last night I tried doing 20 min of yoga, 10 min of mediation, then finally took something to help me sleep, and watched an ASMR video. Oh I also colored for a little bit in my sugar skulls coloring book.
I did not reach out to my mother or my father this week when I thought I was going to a lecture at the museum. Last week when I reached out to my mother she used it as an opportunity to let me know she was working.
----
As an aside I picked up a copy of people of the lie, so that will be my next reading book. Thank you so much for responding.

[Turkish]

It's shameful that they are shaming you by triangulating your daughter. What did she think of what they said?

They should be ashamed of themselves for doing that. Grrr... .

[unicorn2014]

It's shameful that they are shaming you by triangulating your daughter. What did she think of what they said?

They should be ashamed of themselves for doing that. Grrr... .

I think it really upset her. She got high today. They feel no shame. I feel powerless, I could not control that, although I could block their numbers on her phone. I may do that. Last night she was in my bed and she told me "mom, uncle x, and grandma and grandpa all called me within 15 min to congratulate me on my new job and then said something negative about you." She didn't want to say what it was but she said she defended me. My difficult childhood is very difficult for her to hear about so I try not to talk about it with her as much as I can. Of course she's going to have to deal with her father's alcoholism/addiction/mental illness at some point, but currently she is using herself. Its sad. Her dad is/was a dealer. He's almost totally out of her life now.
You all remember that story about my mom over spring break, how she told her how to meet her at her work but didn't tell her how to get there so my daughter went to my brother's house and got high along the way. Of course my mother blamed me for my daughter's behavior and told me she wasn't responsible for it. She says she does want to get involved in our lives. It is tragic.

[unicorn2014]

I'm sorry if I haven't responded to everyone's threads. The ones where people talk about their husbands or their parents paying attention to them are triggering for me as I have neither. I have all kinds of problem people in my life.

That being said recently I was introduced to ASMR videos to help me sleep and tonight when I watched one it made me cry. In fact right now I want to burst into tears but I have to keep it under control because my daughter is in the other room watching tv. She distracts herself with tv.

I have suppressed an incredible amount of grief and when I met with a new social worker this week she pointed that out to me. My previous ACA sponsor also pointed that out to me. I'm going into my 4th decade of life and my father thinks I should be at a high point in my career at this time yet he did nothing to help me get there. He told me in middle school if I wanted to get to the university I would find my way there on my own yet he had no idea I had an undiagnosed learning disability and I suspect he didn't want to know. I was a mentally gifted minor and I'm sure my parents thought whatever failings I had were my fault. I am very frustrated by lack of career fulfillment but I have made a commitment to put my daughter first until she graduates from high school and just because I divorced doesn't mean I'm changing that commitment.

I used to be an early childhood educator until my divorce and then it became too painful to work in my chosen career. Actually my last job in professional childcare is what brought me to my knees so to speak and how I found out about my ptsd. Of course my parents don't value the work I did, all they can talk about was the work I did as a teenager in the financial district at a major corporation and the credit union of my dad's former employer. They don't even acknowledge the home based landscaping business I created and managed for my ex husband while raising our infant and toddler and preschool age daughter. I was also going to college at the same time  to finish my degree which I had to drop out of when I was pregnant due to overwhelming morning sickness.  My nurse practitioner prescribed me a medication to help me sleep and when the grief gets overwhelming I take it because there is no where for me to go with it. I am looking at doing EMDR again because I am sick and tired of being triggered by my family.

I suppose its a good thing that ASMR triggers my grief but it doesn't feel safe experiencing it with my teenage daughter in the other room. Since I have full custody she is home most nights so I can't really experience my most emotions most nights.

*sigh* this is coping with a BPD parent. I hope I am healing from it... .I do not know... .feeling this grief makes it feel like things are getting worse but I hope by feeling it I can finally get rid of it... .

[Turkish]

She's still 15, right? How did you respond when she told you?

You're her mother, and she loves you, aside from her behaviors. It sucks that she is being triangulated. What is the boundary here that you can teach her, valdating that she may want to defend you (I'm guessing), but asserting the fact that she isn't responsible for getting involved in your relationships with your patents, father, or even your SO?

[unicorn2014]

She's still 15, right? How did you respond when she told you?

You're her mother, and she loves you, aside from her behaviors. It sucks that she is being triangulated. What is the boundary here that you can teach her, valdating that she may want to defend you (I'm guessing), but asserting the fact that she isn't responsible for getting involved in your relationships with your patents, father, or even your SO?

Yes she is 15.5. I was upset when she told me and told her that they shouldn't have done that.

It is ironic you mention that as I told my "SO" that my parents and my brother were triangulating my daughter. I have told her that I have blocked my mother before for her verbal abuse and my daughter does not understand that. She says I should just ignore her but my daughter does not know what it is like to be verbally abused by your mother so she doesn't understand. Whenever I have raised my voice at my daughter or said mean things to her I have apologized afterwards and told her I do not want to treat her that way. I never justify it.
I think the only thing I can do at this point is block their numbers on her line so that they can do not that. I am not sure if I should ask her whether or not she wants me to do this as I am sure she would tell me no. I was faced with this same question with her father as well. She told me she did the best job she could to defend me and it makes me sad she felt the need to do that. I suppose if she brings it up again I could tell her its not her job to defend me. I don't think she's going to bring it up  again as she does not like to talk about difficult subjects so I guess the best thing I can do is carry the grief in silence.
What do you think?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Unicorn,

I'm very sorry that you are having to walk through this painful time of grief. It stinks. I've been there too, dealing with griefs over the losses in my life, including my parents and the current issues with DH which won't go away. Does it sometimes feel like a black hole for you? I'm thankful that you are able to share with us here. 

Keep going, keep experiencing those feelings as you are able, each little bit at a time. Tears wash the soul and bring healing in time. You definitely have a lot to grieve about, especially for Little Unicorn.

Extra hugs and love coming your way.     
Wools

[unicorn2014]

Ty wools, it is not all ASMR videos but this one channel called gentle whispering. The woman who does it is a very warm nurturing woman and even now it makes me want to cry. She role plays things like tucking you into bed or giving you a massage. This taps into some really deep wounds inside of me that don't seem to have properly healed. My mother was the abusive parent, she had some witch traits that really hurt me. The little girl inside of me apparently still wishes for these things.

[unicorn2014]

I found out my FOO trapped me into this probate case and are using me to win it.
I've been told to stay away from my family.
I've been told my whole family is gas lighting me! Is that even possible?
I am starting to read people of the lie, its intense and makes perfect sense.
I'm looking for a new sponsor in al-anon. I'm having an aca relapse. I took on two service commitments in aa. My life is and isn't a mess.
My family slandered me behind my back to my daughter.
My mother is not talking to me.
The good news is I got my first commission this week and my attorney is actually a pretty nice guy.
I suppose my life is in balance, but the bad feels really bad.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014,

My life is and isn't a mess.

It seems like you are dealing with some conflicting emotions. On the one hand you feel like 'things are out of control, but on the other hand you say you suppose your life is in balance. There has been a lot going on in your life with your parents, brother, partner, daughter and ex-partner and his family. And there's also that probate case. When you are dealing with so much, I think it's understandable that things might seem out of control at times.

Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families will often find themselves struggling in their adult lives. What signs indicate to you that you are currently having an ACA relapse?

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn2014,

My life is and isn't a mess.

It seems like you are dealing with some conflicting emotions. On the one hand you feel like 'things are out of control, but on the other hand you say you suppose your life is in balance. There has been a lot going on in your life with your parents, brother, partner, daughter and ex-partner and his family. And there's also that probate case. When you are dealing with so much, I think it's understandable that things might seem out of control at times.

Hi Kwamina, I actually set a boundary with my partner too when I found out he lied to his wife about a lie he told me, in other words, he lied to me, I told her, she told me the truth, then he told her I was lying! So I'm not sure if the relationship will continue. I told him he has until the end of the week to have a psychologist contact me that he will be working with him or her. I can't force us to get professional help but I can force him to get professional help or end the relationship. I told my partner I could not call him my partner until he straightened his mess out with his wife, who is really eager to divorce him . I even told his wife about this website in a round about way and told her about the troubles I was having on the undecided/conflicted board. So I suppose a part of my relapse is good because I'm really trying to live by my principles now. 

Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families will often find themselves struggling in their adult lives. What signs indicate to you that you are currently having an ACA relapse?

I am having a relapse because my family ensnared me with the probate case, thereby forcing me to have financial and legal interactions with them.
I notice myself wanting their attention and approval. Its very painful.

[Kwamina]

Hi Kwamina, I actually set a boundary with my partner too when I found out he lied to his wife about a lie he told me, in other words, he lied to me, I told her, she told me the truth, then he told her I was lying! So I'm not sure if the relationship will continue. I told him he has until the end of the week to have a psychologist contact me that he will be working with him or her. I can't force us to get professional help but I can force him to get professional help or end the relationship. I told my partner I could not call him my partner until he straightened his mess out with his wife, who is really eager to divorce him . I even told his wife about this website in a round about way and told her about the troubles I was having on the undecided/conflicted board. So I suppose a part of my relapse is good because I'm really trying to live by my principles now.

I think wanting and attempting to live by your principles, your core values, is a very good thing. We mention boundaries a lot on these boards and boundaries really are primarily aimed at defending your values. I do think it is important to consider the difference between setting a boundary and setting an ultimatum/giving someone an ultimatum. When you set a boundary, it really does not matter whether the other person changes his/her behavior or not, the only thing that matters is that you are ready to defend your boundaries if necessary. Basically this allows you to let go of the other person's behavior and just focus on your own behavior. When you consider what you have told your partner, do you feel like you are primarily doing this for you to protect yourself? Or perhaps (also) in hope that he will as a result finally change his behavior?

I know you would like him to get professional help for himself, but even that isn't something you can force him to do. That isn't something you can control. What you indeed can control is whether you choose to stay in this relationship or not.

The relationship you have with his wife seems to complicate this situation even more. You say she is eager to divorce him, but do you feel it helps your relationship with your partner that you are also communicating with his (still) wife?

I am having a relapse because my family ensnared me with the probate case, thereby forcing me to have financial and legal interactions with them.
I notice myself wanting their attention and approval. Its very painful.

The need for approval can be very powerful. I am sorry this causes you so much pain.

Is there any way you think you could limit your interactions with them to a level that perhaps causes you less pain?

[unicorn2014]

My mother texted me today trying to manage my daughters party. I told her to text my daughter and gave her number . I told my daughter to text her grandmother. My daughter can't talk.

The leaving board told me not to talk to my ex's wife but to make amends to her, send her a letter. I did that already.

I told my ex it was not an ultimatum. I let him go. I told him I would see him on the other side. I can not control that.

I am really sad today. I have never gone through a break up as a single mother.

I can't lean on my family because my mother and my brother are sick of my ex's lies. My father doesn't get involved. He likes my ex because my father was not married to my mother when I was conceived. My mother does not like my ex because he reminds her of herself. What a mess. I can't take it.

[unicorn2014]

I talked to my resident manager yesterday and he confirmed for me I could not have a party in my apt as that would cause a problem. My mother texted me this morning and asked about a band again when I told her my daughter did not want a dj. I told her to text my daughter.

I called my priest again to go to confession for my  mother, I am so angry at her and I can not forgive her.

I am going through a total ACA relapse. My sponsor left me then left the program and I have not been able to find a good fit for another one. My next sponsor also left the program. I am stalled out on step 11. I left the group because a woman in it triggered me and I have not been back. There is a meeting tomorrow night I am going to try to go to if my daughter goes to work and I am well enough.

I have been talking to my inner child today trying to reassure her.

I am trying really hard to take care of myself. I am going to go to bed while my daughter is at work so I can recharge as I have been taking care of her full time for 12 days while managing my probate case, my mother, my break up and my career reboot.

I am exhausted. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow morning to deal with medication issues. I have one more errand to run today and then I am going to take a bath. I have been feeling dizzy and have not had much of an appetite although I did eat half a quesadilla for breakfast and drink some kombucha. I bought lunch at starbucks with my ex's starbucks card and bought my daughter a frappe and a pastry. This work check is going to help make ends meet so the next time I can pay for my lunch at starbucks with my own money and give my ex's starbucks card to my daughter. I brought lunch home, a protein box, a green juice and a fruit bar and will eat when I take a bath. I am totally symptomatic of my ptsd right now and its frightening.

If anyone has any insight I would appreciate it.

I reconnected with the high school english honors teacher who helped me to manage my family at the time.

I am reaching out in all possible directions for help.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY UNICORN 

I am exhausted. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow morning to deal with medication issues.

Hope the doctor is able to resolve your medication issue.

I called my priest again to go to confession for my  mother, I am so angry at her and I can not forgive her.

Are you asking for forgiveness for NOT forgiving your mom or are you meeting with the priest to discuss the act of forgiveness and gain his guidance to lead you towards the act of forgiving?

[unicorn2014]

HEY UNICORN 

I am exhausted. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow morning to deal with medication issues.

Hope the doctor is able to resolve your medication issue.

I called my priest again to go to confession for my  mother, I am so angry at her and I can not forgive her.

Are you asking for forgiveness for NOT forgiving your mom or are you meeting with the priest to discuss the act of forgiveness and gain his guidance to lead you towards the act of forgiving?

Lol! Number two obviously. I've already gone to confession once before. I need to forgive her, my ex husband, my ex boyfriend, my first priest. I'm up to my ears in forgiveness. Thank you on the doctor visit. I'm in my nightgown and am taking it easy until tomorrow morning.

[unicorn2014]

I read the relapse chapter in the big book and that is not what is going on with me. I did get hooked in by my family but I am not relapsing. Things are just incredibly hard right now. I wanted to update the board because Kwamina had gone to the trouble of copying and pasting the ACA relapse information for me. I think what I am dealing with is strictly PTSD related. I am seeing my primary care doctor tomorrow morning and have an appointment at a stress management class tomorrow afternoon.

[HappyChappy]

I am seeing my primary care doctor tomorrow morning and have an appointment at a stress management class tomorrow afternoon.

Hi Unicorn2014,

Sorry you're struggling, as a fellow PTSD sufferer I know how challenging it can be. But fantastic news you've hooked back into the support you need. It certainly has helped me, my thoughts are with you.   

[unicorn2014]

Thanks I've been getting medical  support all along. I think my body changed and I need to lower my dose of medication. I think the stress of full time caregiving coupled with issues in my FOO have changed my body chemistry. That is my hunch, however I could be wrong. I actually think I'm healing, I got 2 jobs in 1 week so maybe I need a lower dose. I do not know. I am also getting out of a toxic relationship so are good things happening. On the other hand I have been so sensitive lately! ... .