Just because they move on in two seconds, why do they think we are?

[Herodias]

What makes me crazy is he thinks I am out there dating like he did! It's ridiculous! He thinks I just went  right back to going out and dating like I did 10 years ago when I met him... .I am not the same person! He is clueless. He doesn't get how he used and abused me and I have no interest in dating... .He damaged me to it and has no idea... .He thinks I should be with someone by now I am sure. I told him that normal people don't date people that are married! At least people with the morals I now want don't date married people- I said that months ago to him... .It just makes me mad. Just because he and his gf cheated on their spouses doesn't mean everyone else is doing it! He told me I could meet someone easy, I was just choosing not to. Yea right- If I want to go out with any ole loser that comes my way... .which isn't even the case at my age either.  I am just getting myself worked up by him again... .: (   

Is this projection on his part?

[Herodias]

So I was thinking about this... .I was on a website about a year ago and a guy on there said his boyfriend ran off with a homeless person! I thought, geez,,, how would that make you feel that your ex somehow feels happier with a homeless person? I met a woman in alanon awhile back that kept marrying people. She said she realized she was so desperate that should would keep marrying people- anyone... .she even said she would pick up a homeless person. She has been divorced 7 times. She was very sad. So, when I say that they think we should be able to pick up any loser... .that's where I am coming from. Does any of this make any sense to anyone? I just wonder if I come up with really weird questions here, because I don't get very many responses. Sorry, but I'm more puzzled by some of these extreme situations. I guess they go where they feel they are equal or something- so odd. Mine gave up everything he had and convinced himself he is better  off. But we know that isn't true or he wouldn't be trying to get out of paying me. He must think money is more than he tried to convince himself he didn't need. His gf said she would rather walk in the rain with a man that treats her like a queen than ride in a Benz with a man that doesn't! That must be changing! Ok, now I'm rambling. I'm having a bad moment to my day, letting him get to me... .I'll sleep it off.

[JerryRG]

I've heard one reason their relationships never last is they never learn or heal from the last one. I am no where near ready for a serious relationship and knowing what I know about myself it wouldn't be fair to the other person either. Sure I could get someone but that would be foolish. I believe pwBPD are broken and find other broken people. My t told me if I were the least bit healthy I wouldn't tolerate my exgf for 15 minutes.

Doesn't this speak volumes for their next partner? If the new person were healthy they wouldn't stay so the reasonable conclusion is the new person is just as sick or maybe more so than or exes.

My exgf believes in magic, real relationships are built on much much more, and my exgf is already lying to her new bf and he's been in jail for 48 hours. Most of my exgfs that have fb accounts are my current friends, not mortal enemy's like my exes past rs.

I have issues but I'm nothing like my exgf

[bAlex]

Yes, I agree. I don't have an interest in dating anyone at the moment, I'm just not interested in the slightest. She did a good job at ruining anyone else for me.

She however is like an out of control forest fire, burning through one relationship to the next. Scary. And if you think about it, she's probably telling these guys all the things she used to tell me, broken promises and all...

I get what you mean about the replacements. I've also wondered at times, "you really think he's a better option than I am?" Kind of insulting really.

[C.Stein]

Earlier this year I said hi to a girl walking her dog.  I then immediately thought of the ex and felt guilty.  Safe to say I am NOT ready.

[Herodias]

Yes... .I think I was in a bad place when I met mine... .That was the reason I stayed in it. Then I stayed because I was married and believed in for better or worse. I also didn't want to be totally alone. I valued my time when he was away at work though, that's for sure. Now I am alone- just where I didn't want to be and learning to like it really. Friends are easier... .I just want to be loved by someone I suppose. You just want someone to hug you and say everything is going to be ok. I guess we need to do that for ourselves too. Mine is still with the mistress after about a year to a year and 5 months. I am not sure of the time frame. They also dated during my marriage 3 years ago or so. Amongst all the other women mind you. This was not true love, this one one that stuck around. I think what you said about the "magic" part of the relationship is what keeps mine hooked. I think they both had a real fantasy of having a baby together... .now it's a reality. I am so curious how long it will last. He is always trying to impress his parents so it may be longer if she will tolerate him. She left her husband for him, literally posting on Facebook her husband was the love of her life... .then the next month she was off with my husband! I wonder if she is just immature of if she has BPD... I really do. Her parents are not friends on Facebook with my husband and they never comment or like her pictures any more. She has a drug addict boyfriend before her husband supposedly, so who knows. It would be wild to me if he is dealing with someone like himself right now! She is immature for sure, so that is why he thinks she is a good match. She flatters him all over Facebook. Makes you wonder if it for her husbands benefit or mine or just to make my ex think he is so special and then behind closed doors, it's not all happy and loving. Besides ,we see how that worked out with her husband. Funny how she never got pregnant by him in 6 years. He is a truck driver, so he was gone allot. He told me she doesn't like his drinking (my exes drinking), so I am sure there are arguments. I had the unusual experience of seeing her post the first year of their relationship all over Facebook- open to the public! I saw all the love bombing SHE was doing, so who knows... .You all say they blow through relationships, but he is still with her- maybe it's because of the baby. I do know for a fact he is flirting with other women. I was told by someone about that, so that hasn't stopped. I do know it's better he is with someone, than chasing me... . 

[JerryRG]

My exgf may be the exception but she wanted or needed a baby to keep her from using meth again. So her god was our son, she protected as you can imagine and completely shut me out of my son's life until she realized she couldn't raise him alone. She still cannot do it alone. These people have grand dreams and big plans but how many actually come true? Having a baby does not make a relationship work, children are not glue either. If people don't form mature bonds nothing can hold them together long.

My exgf found a guy who will do anything for her, guess who else did this until I chose to stop pouring my life into her empty pit?

Once a BPD always a BPD, it's only a matter of time before they unravel and thank god I'm not involved with trying to help fix that. Life isn't meant to be filled with sorrow like my exgf portrays. Everything is rotten and broke in her world.

[Icanteven]

What makes me crazy is he thinks I am out there dating like he did! It's ridiculous! He thinks I just went  right back to going out... .

Is this projection on his part?

I don't know if it's projection or not, but my wife said the same thing to me the other day, albeit in a very explicit, X-rated way. Because, yes, being in shock from the overnight implosion of our marriage while trying to raise small children by myself is the perfect recipe for going out and getting laid... .

As I said to her, YOU could walk through the door right now and tell me you're all mine tonight and I would be too effed up to perform; how in the hell am I going to share intimacy with someone else?

Warped thinking much?

[Herodias]

"I don't know if it's projection or not, but my wife said the same thing to me the other day, albeit in a very explicit, X-rated way. Because, yes, being in shock from the overnight implosion of our marriage while trying to raise small children by myself is the perfect recipe for going out and getting laid... .

As I said to her, YOU could walk through the door right now and tell me you're all mine tonight and I would be too effed up to perform; how in the hell am I going to share intimacy with someone else?"

"Warped thinking much?"


Totally!

[Meili]

We can speculate about why they think/say things all day long, but never truly know what's in their minds. It's really a waste of energy to try to figure it out.

That being said, if it makes you feel better to make such guesses, my money is on his wanting you to find someone else so that he doesn't feel so guilty.

[Nuitari]

My ex emailed me a while back apologizing for a lot of things. She made the following comment that really stung... .

"Deep down inside I always believe that you can be very happy with someone else one day and I hope and pray that day will come soon."

I know that she said this to be nice. I believe she genuinely wants me to happy. But part of me can't help being angry at that comment. After everything we went through together, all of the intense feelings she stirred up in me, and all the beliefs she programmed into me (that she didn't know what love was until she met me, that we were soulmates, etc.), telling me she wants me to find someone else feels like a slap in the face. Its mindboggling that she could show such intense feelings for me early on, and then just move on like it was all nothing and expect me to do the same. Thanks to her I'm too screwed up right now to even begin thinking of dating someone. She doesn't get that. She'll never understand what she did to me, and that's what bothers me the most.

[Nuitari]

This thread called to mind another instance of my ex's inability to comprehend what she put me through.

After my relationship ended, I decided to leave town for a few days. I thought it would be nice to go on a trip by myself just to clear my head and temporarily escape from what I was feeling. My ex had gotten back together with her husband, and I was in a really dark place. I thought going on a road trip by myself would be a nice distraction. Nope. The whole trip, she's calling me every half-hour wanting to talk. Her husband was away that weekend on business. I guess she was feeling lonely. She hated being alone. So ironically she wanted to spend the whole weekend talking to me while I am in another state trying to forget about her!  She seemed completely oblivious to my feelings. When she asked me why I went away, I said "I thought it would help me feel better." She actually says "Oh, were you feeling bad?" Why the hell would I not be feeling bad? She didn't get it. We nons are always wondering how they moved on so quickly, and I guess for them its a mystery why we can't.

[FlyFish]

Thanks to her I'm too screwed up right now to even begin thinking of dating someone. She doesn't get that. She'll never understand what she did to me, and that's what bothers me the most.

Nuitari, this exact thought has been bothering me lately too. It is absolutely insane how a pwBPD can give you the world (a truly amazing world), take that world away from you for no apparent reason, and then act as if there was no world at all. I'm a fairly comprehensive guy and I just cannot wrap my head around this one. Absolutely baffling. I mean 9 months NC and I'm still not even close to getting over her or even near ready to date again, and she went back to her exBF probably the week she discarded me like a moldy sandwich that's had two bites taken out of it.

Granted, I stayed well past the point when I should have put my foot down and said enough is enough... .But alas, I didn't. Does she not realize the impact she has on people? Does she not realize how much hurt she imposes on those who love her? and even if she does realize this, does she not care?

Ohh and then she has the gall to text me out of the blue: "Wanting to catch up? wondering how you are? I understand if you don't feel comfortable responding and I promise I wont keep bugging you - Just know that any quietness from me is out of respect rather than a lack of desire to connect; that will always be true, no matter how much time passes. Hope things are bright, happy - You deserve the best."

Well here is how I would truly like to respond: Wandering how I am? Wondering how I ammmmm? Wow, just wow, you didn't even wonder how I was when we together so why start now? You will NEVER understand why it is uncomfortable responding to you. You will NEVER understand how much pain I have been through. You will NEVER understand how much I truly loved you. You want to talk about respect? where was the respect when you discarded me after two years of intimacy by a phone call... .a phone call. You didn't even have the respect to tell me to my face. Lets continue with the respect thing here... .You were constantly meeting your exes. Constantly enraged at me for worrying about this and making this an issue. Well lo and behold. Right after you discard me as if I meant nothing you jump right back into the arms of one of these so called "horrible" exes. But of course I never had the right to worry about that did I, nah? Things are not Bright. I am not Happy. Thanks for hoping though. You are absolutely right I do deserve the best. I hope I find it one day. Love you.

[FlyFish]

Sorry, a bit of an angry rant right there

[Herodias]

"We nons are always wondering how they moved on so quickly, and I guess for them its a mystery why we can't."

That says it all right there! Mine told me he wished I was like the boyfriend I had that I sent away and never contacted again! Isn't that nice... .He hoped I would meet someone soon too, yet he said he didn't want to know about it! He also wants me to hurry and marry someone so he doesn't have to keep paying alimony  

[KarmasReal]

I feel like BPD's want us to move on for two reasons. Number one so they don't feel guilty about doing what they did, they will try everything in the world to not experience shame

Or guilt, by causing drama, fights and projection, replacements, etc. all tools to keep them from experiencing what we have to experience to be healthy. The other, may be a stretch, but my ex told me she didn't deserve me and I should be with someone better many times, during our relationship, and during our break ups. She said it because deep down she knows I'm a good guy, like award winning dating material and deep down she knew she was messed up to her core and she could never see herself as good enough for anyone when it came down to it, she is the definition of self sabotager and a self fulfilling prophet. Sadly I knew and heard all these things 3-6 months into our relationship and I stayed for another year.

[Herodias]

Mine said he didn't think he was good enough for me either. I have to say, Last November he told me that I could take him back... .When I said no, he asked if I wanted to be the babies aunt. When I said that was just too weird of a question, he got mad. I feel like he wanted me in his life in some way... .we are down to arguing in court and sharing a Netflix account. He can see what I am watching and oddly, he won't watch what I am watching... .  Strange, but noticeable.

[Reforming]

My ex emailed me a while back apologizing for a lot of things. She made the following comment that really stung... .

"Deep down inside I always believe that you can be very happy with someone else one day and I hope and pray that day will come soon."

I know that she said this to be nice. I believe she genuinely wants me to happy. But part of me can't help being angry at that comment. After everything we went through together, all of the intense feelings she stirred up in me, and all the beliefs she programmed into me (that she didn't know what love was until she met me, that we were soulmates, etc.), telling me she wants me to find someone else feels like a slap in the face. Its mindboggling that she could show such intense feelings for me early on, and then just move on like it was all nothing and expect me to do the same. Thanks to her I'm too screwed up right now to even begin thinking of dating someone. She doesn't get that. She'll never understand what she did to me, and that's what bothers me the most.

I think this is about her need to avoid taking responsibility for what she did. The logic being that if you can be happy with someone else than what she did isn't that bad... It's a way of trying to rationalise away her shame. My ex said something similar, but then she also said a lot of things that were completely contradictory.

The key thing is accepting that someone suffering with BPD really struggles to create and maintain a healthy mature attachment to another. They might believe their grand statements of intense love when they say them, but their words - including their apologies - aren't substantial. At the end of the day words mean very little - actions count.

I struggled for a long time to understand how my ex could detach so quickly. Now I don't care. I recognise that she never really processed painful feelings like loss and grief in a remotely healthy way. She buried them and denied them even though they eventually leaked out like acid.

The important thing is that YOU take the time to work through your own feelings and process them in a healthy way. If you do that sooner or later you'll be in a much better place than her. And when you get there you'll be ready to have a healthy loving relationship with someone who can love you back in the way that you need

Reforming