Having friends check on her?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm considering contacting two friends of my wife's, who I get along with ok, to tell them I've left my wife (after I've gotten out safely) and asking them to check in on her.

Is this a bad idea that could backfire?  I suppose part of letting go is to allow my wife the decision and responsibility to contact her own support network - but I still feel some obligation - that will take me a long time to work on and shake.

I don't expect or need to remain friends with her friends afterwards.

[adventurer]

I'm considering contacting two friends of my wife's, who I get along with ok, to tell them I've left my wife (after I've gotten out safely) and asking them to check in on her.

Is this a bad idea that could backfire?  I suppose part of letting go is to allow my wife the decision and responsibility to contact her own support network - but I still feel some obligation - that will take me a long time to work on and shake.

I don't expect or need to remain friends with her friends afterwards.

[adventurer]

OK, I'm adding 'I encourage you to reach out to your friends for support' to the breakup note and leaving it at that.

Sorry, I'm fast approaching my deadline and just a little scattered and freaked out.

[Mutt]

Hi adventurer,

I don't think that there's a right or wrong but friends are loyal. What has you feeling worried and scattered? What do you like to do for self care? I find that going for a walk or hitting the gym really helps relieve anxiety and stress.

[adventurer]

ha - oh man, mutt, what doesn't have me worried and scattered lately?

I have a lot of anxiety about the unknowns - how she will react - how ugly the breakup might get - how the divorce will go - how rough the financial impact will be - social circle/smear campaign fallout.  I will just need to breathe deep and realize worrying won't change the outcome of anything.

I have a window of about 1-2 hours this week where she will be out of the house - that is my only chance to move things out so I've had to plan very carefully and be organized as much as possible to prioritize and ready myself.  I've had to secretly rent a car and park it around the block to be ready.  I've had to secretly rent a studio.  I work from home and she is always sitting around so it's been very hard to coordinate anything.  I'm just worn out from the dishonesty and a general bundle of nerves about everything.  Not sleeping well from the stress.

Self-care is stuff like reading, jogging, lifting weights.  I'll have a lot more time for all that again soon.  Also, I'm going back into therapy as soon as possible.  If I continue to have sleep trouble after I'm moved out I may consider talking to a doctor for temporary medication - I've found regular sleep is the most important factor for my psychological health.

[Mutt]

Hi adventurer,

That's a lot. I would feel scattered and worried too. It sounds like you have everything thought out. A runner doesn't worry about the finish line and focuses on what's in front of him.

[adventurer]

A runner doesn't worry about the finish line and focuses on what's in front of him.

Great advice. That's really the only way I've made it this far already. Do lots and lots of little steps and it eventually adds up into a big one.

Thanks for the support.

[freemanstrut]

"How does a man eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."

You're doing great, adventurer.

[sweet tooth]

If you think it's best to notify her friends, then do it. I don't think there is any harm in it, other than maybe they'll verbally trash you. But who cares? That's to be expected.