trying to avoid breakup? or is it over

[back_away_slowly]

My significant other is likely borderline, but not officially diagnosed. he is a past substance abuser but clean for 7 years. diagnosed with depression, has been out of work off and on for 2-3 years, seems to have problems relating with people that interfere with friendships, jobs, family relationships etc. he has cheated on me multiple times over 7 years, with at least 4 different women. The more I see, the more clear it is that he is ill, but unfortunately because of the job issues and depression leading to more intense self-hatred on his part and more intense angry outbursts, I don't think I can take much more and should probably leave.  with the infidelity and trust issues taking a backburner to depression, and not having enough money for him to continue therapy, we are sitting on the edge and it's all about to blow.  we can't fix "us" until he fixes "him" and that's going to take awhile.  I guess, given what I have invested, I'm still hanging on - if he could just land work and feel better about himself and resume therapy... .or is it too late?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello back_away,

So glad you are here looking for answers and trying to work through your dilemma.

Depression does lead to difficulties in many aspects of life and the worse those aspects get the lower self esteem and self worth fall.  Has your husband been addressing his depression with medications?  Have they helped?  I have heard it said that anger is depression turned inside out.  It's probably true to some extent in most cases.

Do you think your husband is motivated to work hard in therapy if he has continued access to it?  It's never too late to make positive changes.

And what about you back_away_slowly?  How are you feeling about all that is going on now and the infidelities of the past?

lbj

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome!

Your situation and your SO's does sound really tough. Is it too late? Ultimately that is your choice, and all I can do is help you see the situation and your options a bit more clearly so you can decide what is right for you.

The self-hatred rings a bell for me--when my wife was dealing with depression and BPD, she was directing a HUGE amount of negative emotions at me, which hurt a lot... .but I knew that she was always directing as much or even more at herself the whole time, and that helped me continue to care about her and work on what I could in our marriage.

I did find that when I started making changes, and the first ones were to protect myself from her angry outbursts and such things, it was (ultimately) better for me, for her, and for my marriage. Looking at it that way instead of thinking that I needed to "hang on" ... .and accept more abusive behavior as part of "hanging on" really helped me at the time.

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello, 

You've been through a lot, and have had to shoulder a lot of really challenging behavior -- infidelity, depression, abuse. How do you think he was able to become sober? That's a big achievement, although sobriety can also reveal deeper issues that can be equally challenging.

How are you taking care of yourself right now? The biggest question mark may come down to your own emotional strength, and it is common for people to become emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. We have to learn skills that are not always intuitive, and sometimes do things that make us feel selfish. Are you doing ok through all of this?

There are many here who have walked in your shoes and understand what you're going through. You're not alone. 

LnL

[back_away_slowly]

Thanks everyone for welcoming me and for you concern. A lot has happened in 2 months.  He did find work, but we're at an even lower point now relationship-wise, mainly because I put my foot down with respect to the infidelity and said if we couldn't talk about it or come up with a "plan" to work through some things, I couldn't stay with him any longer.  I think his telling me to "get over it" and calling me controlling and manipulative (for asking to see his phone) gave me the push I needed.  

That was about 3 weeks ago.  :)uring that time there was some discussion about whether he had anything to bring to the table if he wanted reconciliation.  He said he needed time to think and clear his head.  I said, ok, but in the meantime please don't confuse issues by seeing other people.  But last weekend I thought he put the nail in the coffin by seeing his "fling" and lying to me about just going out to be alone and "clear his head".  Now he's acting all sad and repentant and surely trying to draw me back in, but I'm afraid what he has done is unforgivable.  It should be over.  Why do I feel sorry for him?

BTW, we tried couples therapy but it didn't ever seem to get to the crux of the problem. I have started to see a therapist on my own. I feel fairly strong, I don't have real self-esteem issues, I'm just painfully empathetic and the fact that this is a disorder as opposed to him being just an a-hole, makes it hard for me.  I have a pretty good support system and job etc. I tried Al-Anon for a couple weeks but it wasn't a great fit.  No real issues in my FOO - I think I'm just an over-achiever who doesn't want to give up. But I'm feeling extremely betrayed especially this time around, and I just don't know if there's any going back... .or if he'll ever change.