BPD girlfriend dumped me 2 months ago, now feels guilty and bad

[ppahv]

Hi,

I (24 M) currently face a complicated situation with my never-diagnosed BPD ex-girlfriend (18) of nearly two years (long-distance relationship). Although I rapidly noticed that she was very moody and constantly thought she didn’t deserve me, the first year of our relationship was perfect: we supported each other and always had fun together. We were deeply convinced that we would live together for the rest of our lives, even though I had continually to assuage her fears (fear of committing suicide, of being abandoned, of being violated, etc.). However, the beginning of 2016 was pretty chaotic: I lost my job, couldn’t find any other opportunity, and started to get depressed. While I always listened to my ex’s needs, she never realized that I was genuinely suffering from this situation. She compelled me to do things I didn’t want to do, to pay her different stuff, and I always had the feeling that I was responsible for my partner’s behavior. Her reactions became more and more unpredictable, and whatever I did (surprise gifts, vacation together, etc.) she never seemed satisfied even though she continually begged me not to leave her. The relationship became very abusive and amplified my depression.

Out of the blue at the beginning of April, she barely answered my messages and imposed me a silent treatment for three days. I was puzzled, given her previous messages testified her love for me and how I meant something to her. She eventually confessed she wanted to break up, making up lies to justify it (she doesn’t feel anything for me anymore, I don’t surprise her, I don’t respect her needs, etc.). Although she didn’t want to see me for fear of being beaten or violated (I never violated her or anybody), she finally accepted to see me. We broke up mutually, asserting that we needed time to reassess the relationship. I then stayed abroad for one month to recover from this dramatic episode and learn new languages.

She started mid-May a new relationship with another boy. I knew she would do that, given she has an immense fear of abandonment. We keep texting every day like when we were together. Nevertheless, her messages are somewhat hard to decipher insofar as her reactions are very unpredictable. She texted me yesterday that I was the most important person to her, that she will always be there for me, and that she feels guilty of having broken up with me. I answered that I feel the same and that she will always be in my heart.

Here comes the problem: although she made me suffer a lot with her negative behavior and neglecting attitude, I still want her in my life. It may sound crazy given the circumstances, and I know I suffer from an acute Stockholm Syndrome. But deep inside myself, I’m convinced that she will change one day (through therapy or meds) and become again the person I loved in the very beginning of the relationship. Moreover, we promised recently not to stray from each other, and that one day we’ll be together again. The situation is extremely unclear, and I don’t know where to stand: on the one hand, she wants to stay with her new boyfriend, on the other hand, her messages show a desire to come back with me, only if I fully recovered from my depression.

I know I should have left her long ago, but as a white knight in his shining armor, I can’t refrain from saving this damsel in distress who doesn’t know she’s suffering and make other people suffer. She’s a great friend, and I would be heartbroken to initiate no-contact or leave her for good. I’m the only one who fully understood her fears and accepted her moody behavior, and I know her mind is like a hard-to-tame roller coaster.

What would you recommend? I’m supposed to see her face to face in less than one month.

Thanks in advance!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi ppahv,

Welcome and hello 

Depression is so difficult, and I am so sorry to hear about your struggles this year, and the hard times that go along with losing a job. It's tough.

You have a lot of compassion for your ex girlfriend and despite the difficulties her illness brings to the relationship, you want to keep things going and are here to learn ways to make the best of this relationship. Is that right?

It sounds like you understand your "white knight" tendencies to rescue. Taking care of others who struggle can make us feel better about ourselves. It can also suggest we allow ourselves to strip away essential boundaries until we ourselves need rescuing (i.e. depression).

I can see how it might be tempting to soothe some of the hurt you feel by rescuing her. It might help to do a spot check on your own struggles with depression so that you can meet with her from a place of strength. Does that make sense?

[ppahv]

Hi,

Thank you for your kind message 

Yes, exactly. Albeit my ex-girlfriend made me suffer a lot due to her illness, I'm still devoted to showing her the way and help her, even though she never acknowledged her BPD. My relationship made me euphoric, but little by little she turned into a monster I couldn't control anymore... .I perfectly recognize the fact that she slowly destroyed me by not showing any gratitude at all in the relationship. For instance, I was always there for her when she needed help, but as soon as I needed something from her, I got the brush off... .I recently realized that she polluted my daily way of thinking: for instance, I'm afraid of helping my close friends, for fear of being scolded... .The relationship wasn't equal at all, and many of my friends advised me dumping her after seeing her criticizing me publically, but I just couldn't.

Yes, I'm currently dealing with my struggles to show her the best of myself. My stay abroad helps me a lot envisioning the future in a better way: I'm thinking more positively, and it brings me a lot of satisfaction.

Maybe I'm torturing myself too much with a relationship that is not worth it, but my desire to help her is too strong... .

[foody]

Hi ppahv.

Its commendable that you're trying to help. My relationship lasted 16 yrs. I went through a constant cycle of splitting. Regular dumpings, her lying and cheating. Total lack of empathy for anyone including our kids.

Heres the hard part.

Unless she takes responsibility for her actions she'll never get help and she'll never change. Trust me ive lived with it wirh it for yrs. The euphoria is from her initial adulation. It was the same with me. You'll always be wanting that back but you'll never get it. Ever.

Look up FOG if you havent already. Ive come out of that now and am very well armed against the manipulation because thsts what it is. My ex cheated on me and dumped me for another guy. The threats shes made have been utterly vile yet she still tries to throw out little suggestions that we can have a relationship! Its all manipulation. An attempt to keep me dangling in the background as a backup when her lifes goes bad again, which it will.

Dont be drawn in, dont be fooled. Do your research, talk to yhe folks on here, they're brilliant. And most of all cut her off now before it gets worse. Think of your health. You deserve better.

Take care.

[livednlearned]

Hi ppahv,

It's understandable that you want to help. The key is to understand why you feel compelled to help her at your expense. Helping her and protecting yourself are possible, though it can be challenging to get there. Helping her without protecting yourself is why you're here, and you want to learn how to support her without losing yourself.

This means learning skills like validation while also having good boundaries. Easy to say, hard to do!

She has no boundaries, you have weak boundaries. She actually needs you to have strong boundaries even as she tries to erode them. The key is to provide some stability to her rocketing emotions -- you cannot stop them, you can only stop making them worse.

Validation and boundaries do not cure someone with BPD, though they can help mitigate some of the effects of the emotional roller coaster she is on.

You are living apart from her and have some time to think and read and ask questions about yourself. On this board, we are here to support you as you learn skills and understand how actions and beliefs can sustain and support us in these challenging relationships.

[ppahv]

Hi livednlearned,

Thank you for your message. I'll have a look at the board 

I'll keep you updated on the situation !