I just found I have probably partner with BPD

[gommario]

Hi community! Me and my girlfriend are together for 9 months. Everything was awesome from beginning, our relationship developed quite fast, for my point of view things went really fast. There was not a huge problem about in the beginning, I knew she had troubles with her EX for 3 years.

Troubles in bullets:

• He was lying to her about daily stuff she knew it was a lie (I have potatoes (and he ate rice etc,... )



• He found he was cheating on her constantly



• He made lot of scene, even prohibited to play handball which she love and was the hobby super super hobby

I can provide you more detailed information about this if you want, just tell me :-) she ended it with him because she found he cheated on her

Things started to get worse 3 months ago. The tip of the iceberg was when she had panic attact, because I had test for next day and she was worried about next day exam. I had to learn so I had to leave earlier to study something. She had meltdown, she couldnt breathe a was crying. I wanted take her something but she told me that it's ok, it will go away. I stayed with her and she was calm afterwards.

Next few months? Rollercoaster in her moods. She goes from superhappy want to spend rest of my life with you to I hate you I can't stand you! This mood swings are very often these days, basically we have arguments almost every second day. It is killing me inside, I love her but I don't know how to proceed. I started research what it could be but found that BPD fits the most, only self destructing (physically) doesnt fit  because she is self destructing herself from inside because of emotions.

Many people suggested me to  break up but I dont see as solution. These mood swing started after breaking with her stupid Ex. Could you please advice me how to proceed? Thank you

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[Turkish]

Hi gommario,



She sounds like she's definitely playing out some trauma by her behaviors.  It may be hard to separate what she is like given what happened in her past relationship. How long was she separated from him before you started your relationship?

What usually sets off these arguments?

Turkish

[gommario]

Thank you!

Officially they were separated 1 year but they were seeing each other during this year time from time. She basically, according to her words, could separate herself from him (emotionally) because of me, because I am worth it.

Triggers:

- I dont respont to her text because I have business meeting and she thinks I am somewhere else and not working, she demands to text entire day with so she is in check

- Me leaving her early because I have to work (I work as PM in small company I have to check work of my cooworkers for next day sometimes)

- when I have to study for school and she doesnt get that that I can't go to ie. cinema, store with her

This all above ie leads to arguments, I swear I dont cheat on her, I dont lie to her!

During arguments she say phrases like: He at least loved me; It was rough with him but I miss the good times etc.

I am confused,

sincerely

Gommario

[gommario]

another triggers:

- she wanted to buy something and we didnt have many these days, I told her "honey its expensive, can you choose something else"? It was some kind of very expensive chocolate

- She had to drive her sister to her father who left her, car wasnt already at her home so I told her I can drive her there, She responded with anger and yelled at me that she wanted to drive etc.

She always says during arguments mean things as I mentioned and then after few hours of arguments she is apologizing to me...

Gommario

[Turkish]

Thank you!

Officially they were separated 1 year but they were seeing each other during this year time from time. She basically, according to her words, could separate herself from him (emotionally) because of me, because I am worth it.

How do you feel about this, or how do you process what she's saying here?

Triggers:

- I dont respont to her text because I have business meeting and she thinks I am somewhere else and not working, she demands to text entire day with so she is in check

- Me leaving her early because I have to work (I work as PM in small company I have to check work of my cooworkers for next day sometimes)

- when I have to study for school and she doesnt get that that I can't go to ie. cinema, store with her

This all above ie leads to arguments, I swear I dont cheat on her, I dont lie to her!

For a pwBPD, feelings are facts. It's best to engage the emotion (validate the valid), but not own the accusation (validating the invalid). There is a process here and tools which may help. Some members see improvement right away by using something as simple as SET:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

See a workshop on this and more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

The constant checking in can be smothering, no? Due to issues with object constancy and fear of abandonment, her anxiety is triggered when you aren't there for her. I once rear ended a car less than two miles from home, set to arrive ten minutes earlier than I had committed to, because I was anxious after answering her text at the previous light. I wasn't paying attention. That was my issue for having poor boundaries. I shouldn't have even answered.

During arguments she say phrases like: He at least loved me; It was rough with him but I miss the good times etc.

Is this hurtful? It would be to me (I received similar treatment at the beginning of my r/s). What do you say in response to this? Mine used to be silence, hurt turned inward, and me thinking, "how could someone say something like that if they love someone?"

A core trait of the disorder is emotional dysregulation. Whatever is felt at the moment may come out, and though it might seem like she is doing this on purpose to hurt you---- and the loving attention afterwards is the most confusing part--- she is stating her pain sans empathy. Splitting (see here for more) is a tough thing to deal with. We've all been there.