How crazy would it be...

[steelwork]

Things ended so bitterly. I've never had a bitter parting like this. I really think a large part of my continuing pain is that bitterness.

After he replaced me and then told me about it in a two-line email, after he raged at me and told me he blamed me for everything and would not even talk on the phone about it, after he froze me out for a month, after I wrote to him and apologized for my part, after he called and said "I could have written you a letter of apology twice as long" (without saying what that letter would have said), after he spent two months toying with me, pretending we were going to talk, and then took the first sign that I was going to stick up for myself as a cue to ghost... .after, six months later, we had a brief biffy exchange about me taking down our secret love blog (I wrote, he responded and answered the q, I didn't reply to that, since my q was answered)... .there has been eight months of radio silence. We were supposed to get together to talk, long ago when we were in low contact. Would it be insane if I got in touch and told him I wanted to talk so we could end on better terms?

[gotbushels]

Hey steelwork

I'm sorry to hear that things seem drawn out for you. The on-and-off is difficult to deal with. Well I guess it depends. What does a better terms ending look like to you?

[steelwork]

What does a better terms ending look like to you?

It's weird... .at this point, after everything went so pear-shaped, it's hard to even imagine. I think an ending where we acknowledge our love for each other, and that we just weren't right for each other. Maybe something like that.

[gotbushels]

I like that ending. It's pretty. For some reason along with the word "pear-shaped", it makes me think of open spring fields and The Sound of Music :P

[heartandwhole]

It's weird... .at this point, after everything went so pear-shaped, it's hard to even imagine. I think an ending where we acknowledge our love for each other, and that we just weren't right for each other. Maybe something like that.

That sounds reasonable. Just some food for thought: Are you prepared for the possibility that he may not see a "better ending" in the same light? From what you've written, he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to wrap things up in the same way as you'd like. Since you've already said your piece, via the apologetic email, is it possible that you are still hoping to get something from him? Given his previous behavior, what makes you think he can give you the better ending that you seek?

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

What does a better terms ending look like to you?

It's weird... .at this point, after everything went so pear-shaped, it's hard to even imagine. I think an ending where we acknowledge our love for each other, and that we just weren't right for each other. Maybe something like that.

That would be a great ending, one I might even be able to live with from my ex.  I know in my heart and mind I will never get that ending as my ex can't even acknowledge we ever loved each other let alone that she still does (which I doubt she does).  The thing is (see bold), this is not something I truly believe and I think on some level you don't really believe either. 

How do you think you might be able to find acceptance without acknowledgement from your ex?

[steelwork]

What does a better terms ending look like to you?

It's weird... .at this point, after everything went so pear-shaped, it's hard to even imagine. I think an ending where we acknowledge our love for each other, and that we just weren't right for each other. Maybe something like that.

That would be a great ending, one I might even be able to live with from my ex.  I know in my heart and mind I will never get that ending as my ex can't even acknowledge we ever loved each other let alone that she still does (which I doubt she does).  The thing is (see bold), this is not something I truly believe and I think on some level you don't really believe either. 

How do you think you might be able to find acceptance without acknowledgement from your ex?

Re. bold: I do believe it. I spent our whole relationship not choosing him. I was torn between two men, and paralyzed, and didn't choose him (until it was too late)--and there were plenty of reasons for that, but part of it was that deep down I knew we weren't compatible.

See here for details if you're curious:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294799.msg12771537#msg12771537

(Also, deep down, I knew he was not just crazy but the wrong kind of crazy for me.)

As to your question: I don't know. There's been one other man who hurt me badly (though different bad), and that was when I was 17. I still haven't totally accepted it.

[steelwork]

Since you've already said your piece, via the apologetic email, is it possible that you are still hoping to get something from him? Given his previous behavior, what makes you think he can give you the better ending that you seek?

I wrote that apology when I was still hoping we'd end up together. I meant everything I said, but I still feel it was tainted for that reason.

Another thing: I know a lot more now about why I acted the way I did in our r/s. I would like to be able to tell him that.

I think, if I were not hoping to get something from him, I would have no desire to talk to him. I want a better ending. But your point is taken, yes.

I don't know if he's capable of giving me that better ending. It's a huge risk. Maybe I've already taken enough risks.

[C.Stein]

As to your question: I don't know. There's been one other man who hurt me badly (though different bad), and that was when I was 17. I still haven't totally accepted it.

So maybe the place to start is here?  Why do you feel you haven't accepted this?

[steelwork]

As to your question: I don't know. There's been one other man who hurt me badly (though different bad), and that was when I was 17. I still haven't totally accepted it.

So maybe the place to start is here?  Why do you feel you haven't accepted this?

Some things are unacceptable.

[C.Stein]

As to your question: I don't know. There's been one other man who hurt me badly (though different bad), and that was when I was 17. I still haven't totally accepted it.

So maybe the place to start is here?  Why do you feel you haven't accepted this?

Some things are unacceptable.

Yes they are, but is it worth letting those things eat you alive for the rest of your life? 

Have you tried Radical Acceptance?

[steelwork]

I don't need to accept that guy, radically or otherwise, since he's not in my life and hasn't been for 35 years. I know what you're saying. Believe me, this stuff is at the heart of the hard work I do in therapy. It's not lost on me that all of it, my sensitivity to abandonment generally, goes back a lot farther. But this line of questioning is leading to... .Not sure?

I wonder if it's worth taking the risk of trying for a better ending with my recent ex. That's all.

[C.Stein]

I don't need to accept that guy, radically or otherwise, since he's not in my life and hasn't been for 35 years. I know what you're saying. Believe me, this stuff is at the heart of the hard work I do in therapy. It's not lost on me that all of it, my sensitivity to abandonment generally, goes back a lot farther. But this line of questioning is leading to... .Not sure?

I wonder if it's worth taking the risk of trying for a better ending with my recent ex. That's all.

This is where it is leading ... .in the very likely event you won't get what you are looking for from him.

[steelwork]

I don't need to accept that guy, radically or otherwise, since he's not in my life and hasn't been for 35 years. I know what you're saying. Believe me, this stuff is at the heart of the hard work I do in therapy. It's not lost on me that all of it, my sensitivity to abandonment generally, goes back a lot farther. But this line of questioning is leading to... .Not sure?

I wonder if it's worth taking the risk of trying for a better ending with my recent ex. That's all.

This is where it is leading ... .in the very likely event you won't get what you are looking for from him.

Okay, yeah... .it doesn't sound like I will, then? I've lost all sense of what's possible.

[C.Stein]

I don't need to accept that guy, radically or otherwise, since he's not in my life and hasn't been for 35 years. I know what you're saying. Believe me, this stuff is at the heart of the hard work I do in therapy. It's not lost on me that all of it, my sensitivity to abandonment generally, goes back a lot farther. But this line of questioning is leading to... .Not sure?

I wonder if it's worth taking the risk of trying for a better ending with my recent ex. That's all.

This is where it is leading ... .in the very likely event you won't get what you are looking for from him.

Okay, yeah... .it doesn't sound like I will, then? I've lost all sense of what's possible.

Based on what you have shared with us over time I think the safe bet is no, you won't get what you are looking for.  So this is where we try to find a way to accept that we won't get the ending we all wish we could have.   

[kc sunshine]

I kind of agree with C. Stein here. I like the thought of you doing that work with us, though-- I know it won't be the same, but maybe we could enact the scenario with you. That might give your head and heart some closure.

[gotbushels]

To achieve the feelings and sensations we want from a "better terms ending" without involving/engaging the BP would be beneficial:) While a sensation of open spring fields is quite a lot to aim for--why should involving/engaging them to put "their stamp" on our experience be an act that defines whether our experience was worthwhile or not? Why do we feel a need to get this act of validation through them? I.e., why is a sensation of closure or "worthwhile" contingent on a validation that involves the BP? I'm about to go make a cup of coffee--a "better terms ending" to me doesn't seem dissimilar from grabbing the metal side of the kettle to "confirm" that it's hot enough to scald me. If my body was a separate entity, I think the body would be pissed.