Detachment day 1

[kc sunshine]

Okay gang, here goes detachment day 1!

After a lovely for a while, and then a very rough (but blessedly short) break up for our recycle #3, I'm ready to detach. I'm not in her same city, so that cuts out the possibility of either her or I impulsively contacting the other one to see each other, and also probably cuts out the possibility of her getting in that much contact with me (out of sight, out of mind).

So now I have to detach. Here's what I'm thinking.

1) Social media: This time around there is social media (she just got on Facebook), so I'm going to unfollow her there and try not to check it at all.  

2) Not call her or text her (but respond with BIFF if she does).

3) Remember that she has a bad mental illness and that some of the mean stuff she did at the end is a result of the disordered thinking. Forgive her and forgive myself for not being able to hang in there.

4) Be grateful that I'm not split black (as of yet), and that we had something of an amicable parting.

5) Get on with my own life-- make to do lists each morning, exercise, and do something fun.

6) Be social.

7) Deal with my FOO issues. The one that really showed up here was that when someone is replacing me, I desperately want them to not go and fight it hard 'cause it is reminiscent of my relationship with my mom (I was her best friend until she would get a boyfriend and then I would be "replaced"-- ouch). So I have to remember that that struggle to keep the person close made sense when I was little (my mom) but does not make sense now.

8) Imagine myself well and healthy and smiling. Picture it.

9) When the pain comes (and it is coming hard but intermittently) watch it and lean into it. Notice the physical feelings. Focus on them. Tell myself I'm not going to die from them, from heartbreak.

10) remind myself of the pro and con list, where the cons way outnumbered and out-intensified the pros.


Anything else you all can think of? Is there anyone that wants to join me?

[kc sunshine]

Okay well big talk me has already checked her social media AND sent her a text. Dang.

[steelwork]

Okay well big talk me has already checked her social media AND sent her a text. Dang.

So your start is a little rocky. True for most people. Why did you text her? Was it just a "saying hi" text or something else? How did it feel? Was it, like, a burst of relief? How long did the relief last?

[kc sunshine]

Hi steelworks!

I texted because we had talked about keeping in touch about work and this seemed like a good way to start out doing it- but mostly because I had the impulse to do it and then it was like the impulse took over my hands and the nextnthingbi know the text was sent. It was light-- wishing her luck at work today. She replied with a friendly short text. It made me feel bad a bit-- the distant friendliness of her texts are still so jarring. I also feel a little bad about texting at all-- doing the very thing I pledged not to do.

Okay well big talk me has already checked her social media AND sent her a text. Dang.

So your start is a little rocky. True for most people. Why did you text her? Was it just a "saying hi" text or something else? How did it feel? Was it, like, a burst of relief? How long did the relief last?

[steelwork]

I texted because we had talked about keeping in touch about work and this seemed like a good way to start out doing it- but mostly because I had the impulse to do it and then it was like the impulse took over my hands and the nextnthingbi know the text was sent. It was light-- wishing her luck at work today. She replied with a friendly short text. It made me feel bad a bit-- the distant friendliness of her texts are still so jarring. I also feel a little bad about texting at all-- doing the very thing I pledged not to do.

I feel like you've kind of set yourself up for failure, kc. You talked about keeping in touch, and then you're beating yourself up for it. Maybe you need to make a decision about texting or not, and communicate that intent to her.

[steelwork]

She replied with a friendly short text. It made me feel bad a bit-- the distant friendliness of her texts are still so jarring.

I want to add that I know this very well, the painful feeling you get from that cordial tone. During the brief time we were in touch, this killed me. KILLED me. As much as the passive-aggressive tone of some of his emails. I kept at it anyhow, until he froze me out, and I don't know if I could have adjusted to it with time, but it is not to be underestimated how much that cordiality can hurt when you're still strongly attached. A good reason for enforcing some distance, I think.

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, good point. And it makes me want to up the emotional ante, even though I know that would get me no where but heartache-- here's what I want to say "I still feel like this is all a nightmare. Bring me home." I'll write that here instead.  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[reincarnate93]

Yeah, I remember the brief friendly texts at the end of my BPD relationship. They kinda killed me inside. I'm pretty sure she knew it was killing me too.

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, it is pretty much the worst. Luckily it has kind of dampened the otherwise irresistible urge to text her   .