how to get closure

[Venny]

I like many of you am struggling hugely with the end of my 5 year relationship that seems like it was all a lie. I loved this girl, the sex was amazing even after 5 years and she was my best friend. Despite all the bull. I don't know why. I ended up kicking her out because I had no choice. I didn't want to. After a few weeks we met up had sex and it was amazing. She has since painted me black. I think the reason is even if she did reach out I have so much anger and so many questions for her that she knows I can't let it go so she just cuts me off. And it's true. The few times I have heard from her I respond with thousands of messages basically saying the same thing and asking the same questions. She will never admit to anything yet I keep asking. It's like I don't want to believe she is actually the piece of garbage she is. And she knows I know. So it's much easier to just be with someone else who doesn't know the real her. I don't know what I need. As I said even if she fully came back I can't be with her. My friends and family would disown me... .I would be setting myself up for the same ___. I guess I struggle with the fact that I don't know what else I could have done. I dragged her to counselling, communicated. Yes I did get mad when she lied I did freak out and become over bearing when I suspected her for good reason and she would just dismiss my feelings.  I can't stop thinking that maybe I shouldn't have got mad. But how could I not? I outlined exactly what I needed and she just did the opposite  in the end all I needed was not to be lied to... .how pathetic is that? I don't know how to get any closure. She has written me long emails apologizing and 3zplaining the best she can and I always just respond with more questions so from her perspective nothing is enough. In a way I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me she knows it will just be the same things  . It just sucks. It never needed to be like this. We got along great the connection was amazing and all ruined over what? She would blame me and my anger but who wouldn't get mad? We would talk about an issue like lying at nauseum and then she would just do it again. She was insanely jealous I would go out of my way to make sure she had no reason then boom out of nowhere she would accuse me... .over and over again. She made life impossible then would blame me for my reaction. I just don't know why she would do this. To protect herself? It's just all so insane. I wake up every morning crying and missing her. I just want her or who I thought she was back. I fear I'm permanently damaged by this. I need closure but what is that?

[Lucky Jim]

I just want her or who I thought she was back. I fear I'm permanently damaged by this.

Hey Venny, Look at what you wrote above (in italics).  That's just it: she isn't the person you thought she was.  Until you come to terms with this reality, you may find yourself stuck in BPD b/u limbo.  The withdrawal symptoms you are experiencing can also be viewed as growing pains, as you learn more about yourself and what got you into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Venny,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate with how hard that is when we don't get closure, many members here have gone through the same thing.

I'd like to echo Lucky Jim, in a relationship two healthy adults, they'll give each other closure, a reason why they don't want to continue the relationship. BPD is stunted emotionally growth at a young age and a pwBPD is is not capable of sustaining a healthy mature relationship.

It's painful when we don't get closure from our exes but we have to give closure to ourselves.

[bunny4523]

I concur with Mutt and Jim - they summed it up very simply. 

BPD aren't who they say they are.  You aren't who they build you up to be in the beginning and you aren't who they tear you down to in the end.  These relationships are doomed.  They take you to a high of a relationship you yearned for but it isn't real, that is why it doesn't last. 

You can have that great "high" again if you want it but you will also have all the hurt, pain, doom, confusion associated with it.  It is a package deal.  You will not have one without the other no matter what you do differently.

There is a dysfunction that keeps you tied to her... .you need to see a therapist or read up on that so that you can understand what is happening inside of you and re-direct it.  If you read battered wife syndrome there is also a dysfunction that keeps those two together.  I think it would be helpful to understand your part in the dysfunction.  It's not just her... .you play a role too.  There is a need you have that makes you feel like you can't let go of someone who treats you so poorly and that you can't trust yet you claim you love and miss her.  Re-read what you've written and ask yourself what is there to love?  Don't look at just the good times, you have to look at it all. You can get through this, it is hard but not impossible.  You have to put your focus on you and you will get stronger and it will get easier.

Bunny

[rfriesen]

Hi Venny,

I, like so many others here, can relate so closely to what you're going through. I feel for you. It's such a hopeless feeling -- knowing that you can't take her back in any case, now that you've clearly seen her dark, deceptive side. And yet having this constant ache and longing and sense of loss. It's horrible, there's just nowhere to turn for relief. I finally accepted that that meant I just had to sit with these feelings and observe them, wonder what I can take from waiting patiently with them. It's pretty miserable a lot of the time. But increasingly I have hours at a time when I start to feel so much lighter, like I can breathe more easily and start to find myself again. It's progress - slow and with a lot of backsliding.

As Lucky Jim notes, the feeling of being "permanently damaged" can be seen under a healthier light. I kept thinking I was permanently damaged too ... .then I realised that, at bottom, what I was really acknowledging was that I could never go back to the person I was before the relationship with my ex. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Feels awful now, because of all the pain and sadness. But it's also a chance to grow, to realise that I was a little naive before and didn't have a clear enough sense of my own values and goals in life. I can see now that a lifetime with my ex would have been hellish. She's too deceptive, manipulative, angry, and scared to share a happy life with. You can't build a happy life on great sex and constant devaluing/recycling. It's made me realise how much I let the momentary highs and sexual connection rule me. I don't actually want to live like that. That doesn't make the pain go away right now, but it makes me feel like I've got some purpose as I work through the pain -- makes me see the payoff insofar as I can picture the kind of partner I want to build a life with, and I know I won't fall for this kind of relationship again.

[Dhand77]

Hey Venny,

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. A 4 year relationship where we hardly ever argued(maybe ONCE a year), amazing sex even 4 years later, always got along, always had fun in each other's company. Then I was discarded. Then, when I wouldn't allow her to keep me on a shelf incase her replacement didn't work out... .I was painted black. I remember those dark days 5 months ago, just wanting to crawl into a ball and die. I too felt like I was going to be damaged beyond repair. Then the FOG started lifting and I saw what I was really left with... .I wasn't damaged... .I was more mature emotionally. I had an amount of self awareness I've never had before and for the first time ever I'm awake. I see the pit falls, coping mechanisms and immaturity that has kept me stagnant for so many years. I finally see the steps I need to take to bring myself and my life to the next level.

What I'm getting at, Venny, is that right now, it's hard, it's really hard in the beginning. But as time passes and you start to use this gift of self awareness you've been given, you won't even care about closure in the future. You won't believe the version of Venny that is going to exist a year or two years from now. You're going to grow from this experience, trust me. I know this isn't really what you want to hear, but one day, many moons from now, you'll be thankful for this experience.

[Lucky Jim]

Mutt, bunny4523, rfriesen & Dhand77 (and Venny):  Friends, I appreciate your articulate posts, which help me, too.  You guys really explained the BPD dynamic well.  I can honestly say that much of my healing is due to the open and honest discussions on this forum.  Thanks to all!  LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

I guess I struggle with the fact that I don't know what else I could have done. I dragged her to counselling, communicated. Yes I did get mad when she lied I did freak out and become over bearing when I suspected her for good reason and she would just dismiss my feelings.  I can't stop thinking that maybe I shouldn't have got mad. But how could I not? I outlined exactly what I needed and she just did the opposite in the end all I needed was not to be lied to... .how pathetic is that?

I think a lot of us have been in that place of wondering "What more could I have done?" I spent a lot of time in that place. I am ending an 18 year relationship. I made it so long because I spent so many years tying myself in knots trying to do more. I tried to be compassionate and understanding. Like you, I would tell stbx exactly what I wanted and needed. He would make a half azz attempt or make an attempt and completely botch it and then act like I was a demanding beast. I have also flipped out for those same reasons. He would tell me to talk to him and tell him what I wanted. I would, he would dismiss me, do the opposite, or, even worse, act like I had never ever said a friggin' word. For me, what I was wanting and needing the most was to feel heard. I felt like "If I could just make him hear me, then things would be okay." He is incapable of hearing me.

I don't know how to get any closure. She has written me long emails apologizing and 3zplaining the best she can and I always just respond with more questions so from her perspective nothing is enough. In a way I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me she knows it will just be the same things  . It just sucks. It never needed to be like this. We got along great the connection was amazing and all ruined over what? She would blame me and my anger but who wouldn't get mad? We would talk about an issue like lying at nauseum and then she would just do it again. She was insanely jealous I would go out of my way to make sure she had no reason then boom out of nowhere she would accuse me... .over and over again. She made life impossible then would blame me for my reaction. I just don't know why she would do this. To protect herself? It's just all so insane. I wake up every morning crying and missing her. I just want her or who I thought she was back. I fear I'm permanently damaged by this. I need closure but what is that?

Here is the thing about those apologies. They are meaningless. My stbx has tried to apologize to me about stuff. It goes in one ear and out the other. If he was truly sorry for the things that he did, he would have changed his behavior and would treat me better even if that means to let me go without all of the push/pull stuff. It really helps to stop worrying about WHY they do what they do.

I have tried to shift the focus to myself. I have been trying to ask myself two very important questions:

1. WHY did I let him do those things to me?

2. How do I feel about what happened?

I feel like I have slowly shifted from asking him questions to telling him how I feel. It has been messy and ugly for sure. We have 4 kids together so I can't really go no contact. Everybody that I have talked to about the detaching process has suggested that I limit contact as much as possible. I have been told repeatedly that the more contact I have with him, the more confused I will be and the harder it will be to detach and get closure. Some days, I listen and do well. Other days, I just want to scream at him and make him hear how much he has hurt me. On those days, I try to talk to friends or journal or both. Unfortunately, there have been days where I didn't listen and completely lost my composure.

It is a process and it isn't linear.

[Nuitari]

Venny,

Sorry this is happening to you. I can see my own story in much of what you wrote. In addition to what others have said, I want to add that NC is crucial. Contact keeps us in a perpetual state of confusion regarding what we want and how we feel. For me, I couldn't figure out if I loved my ex or hated her. I was feeling everything simultaneously it seemed. The NC alone isn't enough to heal, but what it will do for you is clear your head and give you a better understanding of what exactly you want and how you feel. Just knowing those things is a big part of the battle. I've been NC with my ex for nine months, and its the best decision I made sense meeting her. It's still hard sometimes. I will still occasionally have the desire to reach out to her, especially when she is trying to contact me. But I know I can't. Any conversation I have with her now is not going to end well. Like you, I also have a lot of questions for my ex, things that my brain can recognize as unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but I can't help ruminating over. I don't even care if the answers are going to hurt. Not knowing is even more tortuous, but I can't trust her enough to be honest with me about them. My ex can't understand that I what I want to hear isn't always the same as what I need to hear. Deep down, I think I already know the answers, but I need to hear her say them. For me its related to closure. But she'll never give me that, and trying to get it from her will only result in a massive headache. So I resist any temptation at getting more answers. My brain tells me its futile. When in doubt, I just assume the worst about her now. It helps me to detach.

[Rayban]

Hey Venny, I sympathize with you, and understand exactly what you are going through.

Near the end of my relationship, I began questioning my ex more. I wasn't as tolerating as I was in the beginning. Despite knowing she was BPD, I decided to hang in there, and be more comprehensive, validating, and at the same time have stronger boundaries. She would agree to change somethings, only to have her behave twice as bad a the next day.

I could feel her pulling away, and she began to devalue me. I had become controlling to her, someone who wanted to change her. We would break up, and then get back together after a few days. She would string me along with amazing sex. I realize now that while she was devaluing me, she was idealizing someone else.

I remember clearly having a talk with her about why I thought it would be best not to speak at least for a while (in essence going no contact) After a 2 hour phone conversation where she made me change my mind and keep contact, she was over at my place, and we had the most amazing sex. I saw her the next day, and her attitude was different. Gone were the smiles and kindness of the night before, she had returned to being cold and calculated.

WE agreed to talk after work, and she never showed up. Like a fool, I tried calling and texting her, but she never answered. She build my hopes up, gave me one more hit of her powerful drug and was gone. She won't speak to me, which while being incredibly painful, I realize it's a blessing. It gives me time to reflect especially on my role in this whole mess, and what I should be doing to better myself.

Each successive recycle just buries us one foot deeper. Each contact with them is an opportunity to inflict more psychological damage.