Question for BPD's. I told my BPDexgf it's all or nothing. Will she come back?

[Throw me a bone]

First off this blog has really helped me since I broke with my BPDexgf. Thanks guys. Anyway I am looking for advice on what is likely to happen with my BPDexgf. Ideally I'd like advice from BPD's or anyone highly experienced with them. My story is a long one but I'll try to make it as short as possible to give the necessary background. Was with BPDexgf one year, very dysfunctional relationship, ended 4 months ago. I was originally married and left my wife to be with her (I know what you'll be thinking & I agree). She had a boyfriend at the time (no doubt I was his replacement). Being cluster b myself I fell (and fell hard) for the idealisation. Red flags from day one. I didn't treat her well in the relationship... .rarely spent time with her, only when I wanted to go out & have a good time. We worked together at the time and so spent most of our days together. I had to keep our relationship hidden for reasons around being married. But I showed her a good time and she enjoyed a luxury life that she had never experienced with anyone. I loved (still do love) her and would have done anything for her. Once my divorce was finalised I was planning to move in together, put our relationship out in the open and start a family. Didn't get to that point, shy of one month from divorce (4 months ago) she split me black, black campaign to friends & family, & she started online dating. She had sex with a few guys, while I was desperately trying to get her back by agreeing to everything she wanted from me. Had a few recycles that lasted no longer then a few days as she was keeping in touch with the hook ups & I tried to set boundaries by telling her to get rid of them. She found my replacement in one of these hook ups 4 months ago. Now for the record the replacement is an A class chump... .broke, drug user, uneducated, STI. I'm successful, wealthy, educated. She kept the replacement hidden until the replacement called me and said he was her bf. Bpdexgf gave me the whole spiel... .I'm in love with the replacement, I don't feel for you anymore, go live your life, blocked me from everything, etc. So I did. I got with another girl almost immediately and I have been with her ever since. Anyway BPDexgf started contacting me not even a week after I found out about her replacement. Started off as checking If I was ok. Various games were being played by both our ends. Typically to make each other jealous or her looking for support. But I never initiated contact it was always her. I never gave her anything. She then wanted to be friends with me. I said hell no I ain't going to be friend zoned. She kept pushing the friends card & I wouldn't budge. She kept asking why not, saying she had no feelings for me and wanted to be friends with me and my new girl. So We met up two weeks ago as she wanted to discuss it all. Really we just both wanted to see each other. Now up until this point after finding about replacement I had been playing the whole I'm not interested in BPDexgf, that I found someone else, I loved the new girl and I was happy without my BPDexgf. I saw my BPDexgf & she sucked me right back in. She was affectionate, loving, etc. I said to her that I miss her, I love her and that I want to be with her. I told her to get rid of my replacement, I'd get rid of my girl, and to go back to being together. She kept pushing let's be friends, that we can't be together because we're toxic with each other despite our feelings. That she couldn't just cut me out of her life but that she didn't want/couldn't be with me because of our toxicity together. I said no. I said it's all or nothing with me... .You are either completely with me or you get nothing and so I left... .not before telling her how much of a loser the guy she is with. She called me less than an hour later still pushing friends. I said I want all of you, so its all of me or nothing. That unless we were going to be together then there was nothing else & she wouldn't hear from me ever again. That was 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since. Prior to that not even a week would go by before she would contact me. Now I'm Wanting people's opinions as to what's happening. Will she come back? I know you guys will tell me how dysfunctional we both are... .trust me I know (I'm in therapy). Nevertheless can't get enough of her & don't want to. I am Just wanting people's opinions on: 1. What is likely going through her head/why hasn't she contacted me? 2. Will she come back? 3. What can I do to help her come back to being with me? From what I know she has only ever gone back to one bf, who eventually got rid of her. The rest appear to be guys she's maintained a friendship with, but denied ever trying to get back with them.

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[C.Stein]

Hello OverItNow,

I can understand the feelings of both wanting and not wanting.  It is so very difficult to understand what goes on inside the head of anyone let alone a borderline.

If you don't mind me asking, what makes you think she is borderline?  Have you had a chance to review some of the articles on the site?

Is it Borderline Personality Disorder?

DSM Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder


There is no saying if she will come back or not.  We cannot know what will happen and more importantly we can't control it.  What we can do is work on improving ourselves and understanding what it is we want from a romantic relationship.  It also helps to look inward and try to understand why we got involved with someone, and stayed, when there were so many red flags.  

For myself personally I saw many red flags as well, even brought up the most egregious of them with my ex in the beginning.   I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt on all of them, which is something I think we all deserve at times.  She acknowledge my concerns and expressed what seemed to be a sincere desire to work on those concerns as she "didn't want to be that type of person".  Over time though the actions didn't back up her words and it slowly eroded our relationship until there was nothing left.   There are times even now that I also want a "second chance" with her, especially with my newfound knowledge, but if I am being realistic with myself I know nothing will change without significant effort on her part to really address her internal issues (BPD).  

How about you with your ex?  Are her issues something you are prepared to accept without question?

I think most of us agree we would like a mutually beneficial healthy relationship of equals that is based in respect, honesty, trust, caring and love.  Is this what you want from a romantic relationship?  If you take a step back from the feelings and look objectively at her and what has occurred thus far,  do you think she can fulfill your expectations for a life partner?  If not, what can you do for yourself to increase the likelihood of having a sustainable relationship with her?  

Educating yourself on BPD and what it will take to be in a relationship with a person who suffers from it is the first critical step ... .and you have taken it by having the courage to post your story here.  I encourage you to read, read, read ... .ask questions, share more of your story, participate in the forum ... .It does help tremendously.  The more you know the better prepared you will be should she come back.

[Throw me a bone]

Thanks C Stein for your reply. Yes I have educated myself on BPD and she fits most if not all criteria. All occurring on the background of childhood abandonment and an insecure attachment with her mother. I am aware that it will be tough & I know emotionally demanding. But knowing me I need that excitement to feel alive. She has been the only person to gI've me that & no one else can. I know what it will take. Unfortunately we happened at a time where I could not give her my all because of my own personal circumstances. But I want to try again now that I have the freedom to give her what she needs. I am hoping she will come back so I can do that.

[C.Stein]

But knowing me I need that excitement to feel alive. She has been the only person to gI've me that & no one else can.

Can you expand on this?  Why does she make you feel alive and why is she the only one that can do it?

I know what it will take.

Lets get you prepared if she does reach out.  What do you think it will take?

[Throw me a bone]

She has an intimate understanding of me that makes me feel that way. No other women I know have been able to do that. I know it is not sustainable, but I live in the moment. I live for those moments even if the long term outcome is poor. It is self defeating I know. To ensure she stays it would require control of her behaviour through strict boundaries & me being able to not allow the lows to affect me. Anyway, the main thing I am after is a game plan to get her back, if that is a possibility.

[Skip]

Various games were being played by both our ends. Typically to make each other jealous or her looking for support. But I never initiated contact it was always her. I never gave her anything. She then wanted to be friends with me. I said hell no I ain't going to be friend zoned. She kept pushing the friends card & I wouldn't budge. She kept asking why not, saying she had no feelings for me and wanted to be friends with me and my new girl. So We met up two weeks ago as she wanted to discuss it all. Really we just both wanted to see each other. Now up until this point after finding about replacement I had been playing the whole I'm not interested in BPDexgf, that I found someone else, I loved the new girl and I was happy without my BPDexgf. I saw my BPDexgf & she sucked me right back in. She was affectionate, loving, etc. I said to her that I miss her, I love her and that I want to be with her. I told her to get rid of my replacement, I'd get rid of my girl, and to go back to being together. She kept pushing let's be friends, that we can't be together because we're toxic with each other despite our feelings... .

I probably have to say the obvious - you are in a toxic relationship - you're both trying to manipulate each other and there are two other people in the background that are also caught up in this (and possibly unknowingly) - not to mention the people left in the wake (your ex-wife). This is not a judgement by any means, this stuff happens, but now (while she's offline) it might be a good time to re-assess and redirect - the girl you're dating will eventually sense all this and she, too , will be on the exit path.

I know this is hard thing to do. But you have some space, so why not use it wisely.  Jumping from wife to affair partner to new girfriend back to affair partner has you on a hamster wheel.



To respond to your top questions: 1. Will she come back? 2. Will she come back? 3. What can I do to help her come back? (from what I know she has only ever gone back to one bf, who eventually got rid of her. The rest appear to be guys she's maintained a friendship with, but denied ever trying to get back with them).

In a word - chill. She knows you are trying to manipulate her back. The "I don't love you", "I love someone else", "I love you", "I'm in a panic", "I'm better", "It's all or nothing", "I'm in a panic" - this strategy is not going to work - especially with someone who may have some traits of ODD.

Chilling out helps because it will let the above to distance itself in her mind - this is what most likely what she means by toxic.

1. Will she come back? You can't know.

2. Will she come back? You can only play the best hand you have.

3. What can I do to help her come back? End the toxic stuff - its repelling her. Go back to being the man she was originally attracted to.

Who is that guy?  How would be handle all of this if it was truly visible to all parties.

[Throw me a bone]

Thanks skip. Yeah I know... .very toxic. And you're most probably right about what she calls toxic. But of all these women she is the only one for me. It's now in hindsight that I feel I know this woman. That I now know what I need to do to be with her. I want to give it one more go. I want to make it work with her & I am willing to do whatever it takes. Just don't know what or if it's even possible.

[livednlearned]

It's now in hindsight that I feel I know this woman. That I now know what I need to do to be with her.

What is it that you know about her? What is it that you need to do to be with her?

[Throw me a bone]

She needs me to always be there, which I wasn't and I am now prepared and able to be. To step back when she feels overwhelmed, but to know that I will never leave. To understand that her negative actions are her distress of potentially losing me/being abandoned and I need to be strong in the face of it. Anyway I know what I need to do. I want assistance in getting her back, if it's even a possibility, and if it is what people would recommend based on their own knowledge & experience. I know no two people are alike, but I need a guide that will help me and stop me from doing more damage in my vain and misguided attempts at getting back together.

[livednlearned]

She needs me to always be there, which I wasn't and I am now prepared and able to be.

Can you say more about what it means to always be there?

One way: if she feels abandoned, you drop everything to be with her

Another way: if she feels abandoned, you firmly and gently hold your boundaries

[Throw me a bone]

I mean in the literal and metaphorical sense. To be the emotional support she wanted from me, to be there physically when she needs me. But as you say in the last point, within the context of appropriate boundaries. I know what it will take. I hope I haven't lost her for good. I want to give it another go with her. I just don't know what to do.

[livednlearned]

I said it's all or nothing with me... .You are either completely with me or you get nothing

Those are pretty firm words, black and white.

It sounds like she got the message.

What message do you want her to have?

[lbjnltx]

What you are doing is not working.  You are here, soliciting suggestions for what will work, but you are rejecting the premise that you need to change your game. This is not going to go well.

For a women, you are showing a lot of red flags and doubling down on them. You admit your treated her carelessly and your needs came first - almost like you were using her (not saying that you were, but she might very well feel that). There was a lot of manipulation - you admit that.  Now you are giving her ultimatums, setting conditions, being impatient (not loving and kind) and possibly worst of all - clearly using another women - and telling her to do the same.

Sure, you are saying you will be better, but the actions are telling.

Selfish is not very attractive.  She is telling you that clearly.

Do you think this looks like you treat women poorly until they are gone and then you want them?  If that image is seeded, its going to take some changes and time to reverse it.  Are you willing to do that?

You can't force her back with will - you have to entice her back on her timeline.

[Throw me a bone]

You are right on most points lbjnltx.

[Throw me a bone]

I recognise and understand the part I have played lbjnltx. It's why I am in therapy as I have a pattern of these relationships. I am doing and willing to do all that is needed to work on myself. I simply don't want her to be the one that got away because of my selfishness. Hence why I am soliciting suggestions.