How do I let go?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok, now this is going to sound like I’ve gone completely crazy with grief, but here goes.

I read these words today “But the bottom line is that the person with BPD is gone now and all that is left is to fix ourselves” which made me realise that part of my problem with detaching is that I don’t think he’s gone. Maybe it’s because of all the recycling. The on again, off again, but how can I move on if I keep thinking (hoping?) he’s going to come back?

It’s so painful at times that I’d give anything to have him back, but at the same time I remember how painful it was being subjected to all the chaos, the inconsistency and the abuse and I know I couldn’t cope with any more of it. I was retreating more and more each time we got back together. I needed to protect myself more and more. It was incredibly damaging to my self-worth. But now, sometimes, I think I would cope with more of it because I’d do anything to stop feeling this emotional pain.

I’m confused because I’m stuck between two vacillating thoughts which both help to alleviate some of this pain. (1) He’s going to come back or (2) It’s over. Now I can start to rebuild. Gain a sense of stability and peace again.

Both are comforting and help alleviate the breakup pain. Can anyone understand this? I feel like I’m holding myself back.

[Larmoyant]

Ok, now this is going to sound like I’ve gone completely crazy with grief, but here goes.

I read these words today “But the bottom line is that the person with BPD is gone now and all that is left is to fix ourselves” which made me realise that part of my problem with detaching is that I don’t think he’s gone. Maybe it’s because of all the recycling. The on again, off again, but how can I move on if I keep thinking (hoping?) he’s going to come back?

It’s so painful at times that I’d give anything to have him back, but at the same time I remember how painful it was being subjected to all the chaos, the inconsistency and the abuse and I know I couldn’t cope with any more of it. I was retreating more and more each time we got back together. I needed to protect myself more and more. It was incredibly damaging to my self-worth. But now, sometimes, I think I would cope with more of it because I’d do anything to stop feeling this emotional pain.

I’m confused because I’m stuck between two vacillating thoughts which both help to alleviate some of this pain. (1) He’s going to come back or (2) It’s over. Now I can start to rebuild. Gain a sense of stability and peace again.

Both are comforting and help alleviate the breakup pain. Can anyone understand this? I feel like I’m holding myself back.

[Nuitari]

I’m confused because I’m stuck between two vacillating thoughts which both help to alleviate some of this pain. (1) He’s going to come back or (2) It’s over. Now I can start to rebuild. Gain a sense of stability and peace again.

I've been there, oscillating back and forth between those two contrary desires. But after 9 months of NC, I am gravitating more and more toward (2). The NC is worth it. Its a long process, but it will give you the clarity you need to make smart choices for yourself.  Its a long hard road, but worth it. I still occasionally feel the temptation to reach out to my ex (especially when she's trying to contact me), but I've gained the insight now to know that any contact will only set me back. The desire to be with my ex is all but gone. I'm still very broken inside. I'm still getting over the trauma, so I have a lot of healing ahead of me. But I'm not letting my ex get in the way of it anymore. I've grown too strong for that. That's what the NC has done for me. Hang in there.

[bunny4523]

Hi Larmoyant,

Yes I do understand it and I have been there. You do need to ask yourself why you are hoping he will come back?  Why would you want someone who mistreats you back in your life?  Is it because you are afraid you are not worth anything more?  Afraid you won't find anyone else?  Or is it maybe because you feel some obligation to work it out, get a second chance?  Or upset that you have failed/ruined it?

When I was going through it, it was because of all of the above.  I thought I could have handled it better and it could have worked.  I felt like I failed.  Hanging on for dear life until you are bloody trying to make it work is not living.  At some point we have to decide to love ourselves and get out of a bad situation.

I came across this, maybe it will help:

Put a frog into a vessel fill with water and start heating the water. As the temperature of the water begins to rise, the frog adjust its body temperature accordingly. The frog keeps adjusting its body temperature with the increasing temperature of the water. Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog cannot adjust anymore. At this point the frog decides to jump out. The frog tries to jump but it is unable to do so because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature. Very soon the frog dies.

What killed the frog?

Think about it!

I know many of us will say the boiling water. But the truth about what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when to jump out.

We all need to adjust with people & situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust & when we need to move on. There are times when we need to face the situation and take appropriate actions.

If we allow people to exploit us physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually or mentally they will continue to do so.

Let us decide when to jump!

Let's jump while we still have the strength.

Keep posting and talking it through.  Alot of us have been where you are and are on the other side now.  It's amazing here and you will get here too.

Bunny

[schwing]

I can relate to this feeling.  The way I navigated it was at some point I needed to *decide* for myself that I am getting off this roller coaster ride.  That even though an opportunity might come about where I can interact with my BPD loved one, I chose not to engage.

So you may need to choose that (1) even if he does comes back you choose not to re-attach and so you will not engage in any meaningful interaction with him (e.g., no contact).  And (2) it's over... .not because he is no longer trying to re-engage you but because you have decided for yourself *it's over*.

In anticipation of the times when you will have second thoughts, you could get some outside help (friends, support groups, etc... ) to remind you of your commitment.  But first you need to decide.

[Larmoyant]

Nuitari, I’m sorry you still feel so broken and I can completely relate, but thank you for responding because your post gives me hope. I know that leaving was my best option, well at least my head knows. I just want my heart to catch up.

Bunny,  on the top of my head I’m hoping he comes back because I haven’t got anything else. He became the centre of my world and I’ve become isolated. I’m sad and lonely and don’t really know how to start rebuilding. Thank you for those questions. I’m going to write them out in my journal and work through this.

This too was helpful, thank you:

“There are times when we need to face the situation and take appropriate actions. If we allow people to exploit us physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually or mentally they will continue to do so. Let us decide when to jump! Let's jump while we still have the strength.”

While still in the relationship and the prolonged break-up afterwards I started to feel increasingly helpless to the point I could hardly think. I’m still experiencing feelings of helplessness, but with time and space I’m getting stronger.


Schwing, what you wrote felt empowering to me. It reminded me that it was my decision to end it. That I finally stood up and said no more and walked away. I stand by my decision even though it’s excruciatingly painful at times. Still, back and forth I go at the moment. Spending equal amounts of times in one camp or the other. Hopefully soon the balance will tip and it won’t hurt so much anymore. Thanks for your thoughts.

[C.Stein]

It’s so painful at times that I’d give anything to have him back, but at the same time I remember how painful it was being subjected to all the chaos, the inconsistency and the abuse and I know I couldn’t cope with any more of it. I was retreating more and more each time we got back together. I needed to protect myself more and more. It was incredibly damaging to my self-worth. But now, sometimes, I think I would cope with more of it because I’d do anything to stop feeling this emotional pain.

Focus on the part I highlighted.  That is reality and no matter how much it hurts right now it will hurt more to step back into the fire.

I know that feeling of wanting to do anything to stop the pain, to forgive and forget any and all transgressions, to make excuses and deny the truth to ourselves.  There was a point where I erroneously thought my ex was looking to "accidentally" run into me post trash bin.  At that point I was filled with anger and pain, but I took a big step back and really considered what it would be like to reconcile with the intent to once again pursue a long term relationship.  When I did that the most prominent emotion I felt was FEAR and that pretty much says it all.  Looking back this was probably the most prominent emotion I felt throughout our relationship ... .what kind of relationship is that?

Even now I still feel attached to her on some levels, still catch myself "hoping" for something that will never be ... .and yes it still hurts quite a bit.  The one thing I cannot allow myself to forget or gloss over is that feeling of FEAR when I think of a future with her regardless of how much I might think I love her.

[Meili]

I can certainly relate to the conflicting thoughts. I experience them (what seems like) constantly. From what I understand, the conflict stems from trauma/betrayal bonds. My goal for today is to learn all that I can about breaking the trauma bonds that have me stuck in a relationship that does not actually exist. We are done and over; there has been zero contact for over a month; yet, I'm still in a r/s with the woman who damaged me so much.

I know that part of what keeps me ruminating on all of it is my loyalty. I'm still loyal to the person who abused me. I need to learn to quash that loyalty.

Why do you think that you are still bonded?

[SoMadSoSad]

I can certainly relate to the conflicting thoughts. I experience them (what seems like) constantly. From what I understand, the conflict stems from trauma/betrayal bonds. My goal for today is to learn all that I can about breaking the trauma bonds that have me stuck in a relationship that does not actually exist. We are done and over; there has been zero contact for over a month; yet, I'm still in a r/s with the woman who damaged me so much.

I know that part of what keeps me ruminating on all of it is my loyalty. I'm still loyal to the person who abused me. I need to learn to quash that loyalty.

Why do you think that you are still bonded?

I know this wasn't directed towards me but the reason I'm still bonded is because I've never connected with someone like I did with her. How do I break that.

[Meili]

I know this wasn't directed towards me but the reason I'm still bonded is because I've never connected with someone like I did with her. How do I break that.

It wasn't necessarily directed at anyone specific.

I'm sorry to answer your question with a question, but did you actually connect with her, or did you connect with the illusion of her?

I know that I connected with what my pwBPD mirrored back to me in the beginning of the r/s. She gave me exactly what I wanted by returning what I gave her. Once her veil was pierced, that all ended though. She no longer gave back what I needed.

That's not exactly true. There was a 2 week period, the last honeymoon phase, that she did that. But, the point is that what I fell in love with was the illusion of the person that she projected. Once the illusion was destroyed, I was left confused and fighting to restore it. It was never her that I loved and connected with, but merely what she wanted me to see.

So, when you examine the connection from the view of the totality of your r/s, can you still say that you connected? Did she stop the abuse when you asked her to stop? Did she show empathy about what you were experiencing? On what level did you actually connect?

[DreamerGirl]

Hi Larmoyant,

It has been the exact same for me.  With all our make ups and break ups, I have never really had to feel the pain of breaking up, forever, as I always knew we would recycle each other again. 

This time was different, I made the decision I couldn't take anymore, and I wasn't going back.  But I have also been stuck between the two thoughts of being with him again, which eases the pain, and then the reality that it's over which is crushing because I've left a man I love, to save myself and give myself a chance of finding happiness one day.

What has helped me has been Blocking his phone number.  I've never done that before. I do not have any idea whether or not he has texted or called me.  From past behavior and history, he would have texted me by now.  It has been 12 days NC for me.

This has also stopped me from constantly checking my phone with the hope of seeing his name and a message.  This has also stopped me from being even more saddened than I currently am, as I don't have to read his words of how much he loves me and is missing me, which is what I always wanted to hear, and I would text him back and it would all be 'perfect' again.  There was always such an incredible feeling of relief when I heard from him and we got back together.

I miss that relief, badly.  I know I have to stay in this sad/confusing place of grieving for him and just try to find my way through this pain and believe I will be ok and also believe I made the right decision because at times I am doubting ending the relationship.

[SoMadSoSad]

I know this wasn't directed towards me but the reason I'm still bonded is because I've never connected with someone like I did with her. How do I break that.

It wasn't necessarily directed at anyone specific.

I'm sorry to answer your question with a question, but did you actually connect with her, or did you connect with the illusion of her?

I know that I connected with what my pwBPD mirrored back to me in the beginning of the r/s. She gave me exactly what I wanted by returning what I gave her. Once her veil was pierced, that all ended though. She no longer gave back what I needed.

That's not exactly true. There was a 2 week period, the last honeymoon phase, that she did that. But, the point is that what I fell in love with was the illusion of the person that she projected. Once the illusion was destroyed, I was left confused and fighting to restore it. It was never her that I loved and connected with, but merely what she wanted me to see.

So, when you examine the connection from the view of the totality of your r/s, can you still say that you connected? Did she stop the abuse when you asked her to stop? Did she show empathy about what you were experiencing? On what level did you actually connect?

We had a lot of the same traits (these traits were evident before we met) . we were both the stay at home type that also likes to go out and have fun at times. Many of the same hobbies (sports music adventures movies etc). She also was overly nice to me and took care of me as I work 12 hrs a day and usually tired. Anger with her was sometimes justified its just that she usually blew it out of proportion. I guess this caused me to get more distant as we moved in together too soon. I guess this caused her to feel empty as she started thinking about a tragic incident in her childhood and became depressed and anger got worse. She lost both her brothers at age 8 when they were all in foster home. Not sure if this caused her condition but certainly made things worse. I just wish I knew about BPD I think she is more aware then most and she never really blew up for no reason. I could've done better to keep her I just wasn't ready for us to move in together.

[Larmoyant]

I posted something new because he made contact today and it threw me into a spin. I was both hoping he’d make contact and at the same time dreading it.

C.Stein, I had very mixed feelings, but took some advice and stepped back for a while, and found that fear was paramount and seriously how can I want to be with someone who instils such fear in me? It’s baffling. I am at least thankful that I am taking notice of it. It helped me not to respond today, but how sad is all this. All I ever wanted to do was love this man.

Meili, like you I am most definitely trauma bonded. Why? I have no idea perhaps the super highs and the super lows, the intermittent reinforcement, the devaluation, the isolation, the fear he instilled in me. I’m still in the relationship too even though it's finished 

SoMadSoSad, I relate. I’ve never connected with anyone like that either and hope I never do again!

DreamerGirl, I should have blocked the phone too and saved myself further anguish, but I couldn’t quite do it. He texted me today and I’ve posted about it and my emotions are all over the place, but I managed not to respond. I took a step back to think and decided it wasn’t worth it. I need to protect myself and keep moving forwards. So, I’m ok tonight, ok with the decision I made, but I suspect I’ll doubt my decision  tomorrow wondering if I’ve made the right one! Detaching is so very difficult, but there has to be something better than this doesn’t there? I want peace, stability, consistency, love and kindness and can provide those things to someone else. I’ve got to keep moving forwards. You too DreamerGirl. There’s a reason we walked away from our relationships so let’s keep faith in that decision. Try to remember the reality and not the hope perhaps.

[Meili]

Meili, like you I am most definitely trauma bonded. Why? I have no idea perhaps the super highs and the super lows, the intermittent reinforcement, the devaluation, the isolation, the fear he instilled in me. I’m still in the relationship too even though it's finished 

The reasons that trauma/betrayal bonds form is well documented and easy to find. It might help if you take a look at them and see how they apply to you. Once you understand the reasons for them, then you might be able to break them easier.

[C.Stein]

C.Stein, I had very mixed feelings, but took some advice and stepped back for a while, and found that fear was paramount and seriously how can I want to be with someone who instils such fear in me? It’s baffling. I am at least thankful that I am taking notice of it. It helped me not to respond today, but how sad is all this. All I ever wanted to do was love this man.

I totally understand and I am proud of you for having the strength to step back and assess the situation before acting.  I know how hard it is to not respond and you are absolutely right about the fear.  I also felt that fear, both during the relationship and when I consider (without cause) what might occur should I get back together with my ex.  Granted we can't live our lives in fear of what might happen, but when all the signs point in one direction and your instincts are telling you to read and believe in the signs, then your fear is justified and reasonable.  This is especially true when stuff that has already occurred in the relationship support the signs.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to live my life in fear.