Pregnancy fake or real ? Trying to break nc. ~

[Jacidrinkswine]

I have been nc. Sent her remaining items back. She is now claiming she may be pregnant. Says has some symptoms. I don't know if I should believe her or this is another tactic to drag me back into the madness. Now claimes she lied when said she was taking the pill. In any event - I want no part of her. And I for sure don't want a child with a mother as sick as she is. Please comment . Thanks

[Rayban]

When they feel you slipping away, they will use any tactic to keep you engaged. My ex started listing a list of pregnancy related symptoms she was feeling but I didn't bite. Next day she went as far as saying she went out and bought a pregnancy test (doubt it's true) Paused hard when I robotic-ally asked ... .And? I knew she had a IUD inserted, and I doubt she had any intention of taking it out. She finally admitted the ''test'' was negative, and besides she doesn't want children  ?


This from a person who was choosing names at one point. Also another gem I remembered is her saying that if she already had an abortion, and wouldn't hesitate to do it again.

[Leonis]

I have been nc. Sent her remaining items back. She is now claiming she may be pregnant. Says has some symptoms. I don't know if I should believe her or this is another tactic to drag me back into the madness. Now claimes she lied when said she was taking the pill. In any event - I want no part of her. And I for sure don't want a child with a mother as sick as she is. Please comment . Thanks

My ex and I had those pregnancy scares during our relationship. She insisted that she could feel the implantation and fetus detaching, etc. I'm not a woman, so I wouldn't know if that's true or not. The silliest thing is her insisting that whatever small mass she apparently "pushed out" she showed me in the shower was the miscarried baby last October. Even before we broke up, she talked about feeling pregnant; despite of the fact that we've been properly using protection.

All these months later, no child to show.

Bottom line is, no proof, no baby. If she is indeed pregnant, demand a paternity test.

[ForeverDad]

Time will reveal whether she's pregnant or not.  No need to rush or be pressured.  It is a real possibility that it is a control tactic (or perhaps that she feels empty when not in a relationship) to recycle you back into the relationship.  Then once you're back on the roller coaster maybe next time she does find a way to get pregnant.

To a person with a distorted perception of reality, any way to hold control or influence over another for a couple decades may be irresistible.  That's by having a baby.  Custody orders often default to the father, regardless whether his is the more stable parent, as non-primary parent and paying child support.

That's how I started.  The sole negative for me was that I worked a regular schedule.  Yes, she made numerous allegations but if they were truly believed, substantiated, then I would have been limited to supervised time and I wasn't.  Two years later her delays ran out and we settled for equal time.  Didn't work.  Three years later I gained sole custody but the GAL didn't want to change the parenting schedule, hoping mother would behave better while receiving child support.  Didn't work.  Three years later I gained majority time but just for the school year.  Magistrate gave her "one more try" and Ex kept her equal time during the summers.

Other factors include the social programs available to mothers.  Just in the past week a member reported that her DH's Ex announced she was pregnant again within weeks of being notified she had to find a job.  Her state won't require a mother to work until the youngest child attains 3 years of age.  With that pattern, that mother may receive welfare and avoid work until she is well into her 40s.  And potentially receive child support from various fathers until she's just about retirement age.

[Thunderstruck]

I bet a lot of men on the "leaving" board would have a similar story to yours.

When DH and I started dating, uBPDbm sent me emails claiming she was pregnant to try to scare me away. 

A few years later I believe she conned another ex-bf (one that left her and went back to his ex-wife) into paying for an abortion that she never had/needed.

Beware of positive pregnancy tests, you can buy them off the internet (or if she sends you a photo... .she can just steal a photo from the internet). Insist on hearing the news directly from a doctor.

If she is being truthful and down the road you do get a paternity test, make sure YOU are the one to take the samples, send them off, and get the results. She can doctor the results to say whatever she wants them to.

I can understand not wanting to have to coparent with a BPD for 18 years (believe me, I've been doing it for 4 years and I want to pull my hair out sometimes) but if there is a baby you will end up being responsible for it one way or another (if you don't want to spend the time raising the baby then you'll end up having to pay a lot of child support). You won't have much time to set up your rights, so think about what you would want and be prepared before the baby is born to have a court order in place (it's easier if you do it first versus waiting for BPDx to take you to court for child support).

[ForeverDad]

As for DNA tests, select from among the laboratories or services that the court uses or recognizes.  That way you don't select one the court doesn't recognize and then she has an opportunity to contest and delay parenting with your (presumed) child for more weeks or months.

As I mentioned before, I wouldn't fault you at all if you pulled back in paying for her expenses.  If not married and perhaps depending on your state, I don't believe court would force you to support her even if pregnant.  It's the baby once born that would trigger the child support.  Once it is documented as yours then you can revisit the pregnancy billings.

Also, if she's talking about getting a C-section well in advance of the birth, why?  Is there a real medical reason, such as a prior difficult birth or risks due to a prior C-section?  Years ago they were quite rare, only performed in dire need.  Nowadays doctors are more than willing to switch from natural to surgical births.  Partly, they don't want to get sued.  But also at least some are the result of doctor shopping where the mother prefers a C-section for whatever reasons.

https://www.statnews.com/2015/12/01/cesarean-section-childbirth/

Sky-high C-section rates in the US don't translate to better birth outcomes

In the United States, however, about one in three births happen by C-section, a rate that has risen dramatically over the past few decades, from 5 percent in 1970 and 20 percent in 1996.

“As countries increase the number of C-sections they provide, mortality goes down” — but only to a point, said Dr. Thomas Weiser... .When the C-section rate tops 19 percent, benefits for maternal and infant health plateau.

Some women choose C-sections for more control

Unlike in many countries where surgery is a challenge, women in the US can elect to have a C-section. It gives them a lot more control over childbirth than waiting to go into labor naturally."

I am concerned that if she is among the extra 10% of women selecting C-section and not the doctor for medical reasons.  Her doctor may be more willing to do the expensive surgery knowing you're paying.  Sorry, money does speak loudly.  Your money could be enabling her to seek unnecessary or expensive add-ons to the birthing process.  If you don't promise to pay the extra thousands of dollars, the doctor or the practice may shift other gears.

[Jacidrinkswine]

I am concerned that New York laws would treat me very poorly. Even though I was lied to about birth control.  And I feel that she would have a baby to keep a connection to me.

[ForeverDad]

What does your lawyer say?  You do have a lawyer, right?

If you don't then you need a few initial (and relatively inexpensive) consultations with a family law attorney sooner than later.  (Get multiple consultations so you can be sure you're getting good guidance.)  Quite likely you've already made some strategic blunders trying to be a Nice Guy.  Sorry, family court doesn't care whether you're a Nice Guy or not.  You can't plan the next 2 decades of your life without experienced proactive legal advice.  Please, don't stumble your way through this!