Adult daughter with bad traits

[Calhoun]

I'm not sure if advice is possible. I have an adult daughter (age 42) who has been diagnosed with BPD who lives quite a distance away. She really has few if any friends. She lost her brother two years ago and strongly desires to move to be closer to me and her nephew. I have researched BPD traits and have somewhat of an understanding and communicate regularly with her. We generally get along quite well considering the stress and challenges of a parent in this situation. I am 75 years old and financially support her.

Here is my dilemma. My daughter daily requests help to move where I am. She says she is miserable and dying inside by staying where she is and would be much happier here with family, etc. My wife, not her mother, does not want her here and for good reason based on past behavior problems.

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place because I want to be as supportive as possible for my daughter but also respect my wife's feelings and not potentially jeopardize my marriage.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI CALHOUN:  

Welcome to bpdfamily

I have an adult daughter (age 42) who has been diagnosed with BPD      

Is she in therapy currently?  

What type of behavior does she exhibit?

My wife, not her mother, does not want her here and for good reason based on past behavior problems. . . . .I want to be as supportive as possible for my daughter but also respect my wife's feelings and not potentially jeopardize my marriage.

Perhaps you could discuss boundaries with your wife and come to some agreement.  Have you thought about ways to make it work?  I'm thinking that she wouldn't live in your home?

What type of problems might you anticipate, if you daughter comes to live close to you?

The information below might be helpful.

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

          https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to a Discussion Thread - What it means to be in the "FOG"

Note:  There are multiple pages for this one, might want to find the page numbering area at the top and click "all"

          https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

          https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries (there are approx. 7 pages of discussion)

          https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[Calhoun]

Thank you for responding.

Yes she does see a therapist. She goes to a methadone clinic daily where she sees a councilor plus a psychologist monthly who diagnosed her with BPD (I think). Her behavior is consistent with what I've learned about BPD.

It is difficult to discuss with my wife as she is concerned about the stress her living close will put on me and our marriage. As is, it is taking a toll on me as I've probably been unfair to my daughter by not directly addressing her desire to move. I'm concerned what she will do if I tell her no and what my wife will do if I tell her ok.

[Naughty Nibbler]

CALHOUN:

Be sure to check out the previous articles I posted links to.  You want to think about whether you are reacting to Fear Obligation and Guilt, FOG. You have to anticipate that you don't have the power to "fix her".  What do you fear will happen if she doesn't move close to you?

It would be wise to contemplate the logistics of how you might make it work.   If she brings all her worst behavior with her, what can you expect?  What would the best case situation look like and what would the worst one look like?

Sorry to throw out so many questions, but the more you research and plan, the better the outcome can be.  I can appreciate that your wife needs to be considered in your decisions and you definitely don't want to ruin your marriage.

SOME THINGS TO EXPLORE:

• How does your daughter treat your wife?



• How long has your daughter been clean/sober? (is she struggling right now?)



• Where will she live?



• Is there a methadone clinic nearby?



• Does she have transportation?  (if not, who transports her)



• Assuming she won't live in your home, how often can she come over?



• What will it cost you?

Best to understand boundaries.  It would be wise if you and your wife could agree on some firm boundaries to use with your daughter, if you agree to help her move and have her live close by.

After coming up with what you think would be the best plan, then you need to discuss it with your wife. If you don't gain her buy in, it will be a problem.  If you need a little help, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist could help.

[livednlearned]

Hi Calhoun,

She feels miserable and dying inside, and wants to live closer. She has a methadone clinic and psychologist she sees regularly.

Moving closer may (or may not) make her happy. Sadly, she probably experiences chronic self-invalidation and hopelessness, I'm guessing. Wherever she lives, there she goes.

Do you feel comfortable sharing some of the past behaviors that were problematic?